Delight Full

I think God is pretty awesome. I love how He shows us things and reveals Himself and shows us our hearts but also how He is the one who created us and made us a certain way for a reason and how He keeps bringing us back to that if we let Him. I have been doing much soul searching and praying and reading in the last little while and, while I thought I was going to be heading in one direction with something I thought I had to deal with, God seems to be leading me in another. It is amazing to me how when you actually take the time to spend with God and have an open heart He begins to move and work and open your eyes. It makes my heart smile, even if the moving and working can at times be tough. Here is a taste of what I have been thinking about...

When I lived in BC I used to go for walks "out back" on the acreage we lived on to this beautiful mountain meadow. It would just be me and our Golden Lab and Jesus. I would pray out loud, more like talk as it always felt like Jesus was just walking by my side. Sometimes I might sing or just be silent and listen. I loved those times of solitude and it never failed that I would come back feeling refreshed and fed and watered. Then I moved to the big city. I knew that if I talked out loud to God as I walked down the streets people would think I was nuts and I certainly wasn't going to find a beautiful mountain meadow. I remember talking to my Mom about it one day and she told me to remember that the meadow isn't just a physical place, it is also inside me. That place where I meet and commune with God and where I will find peace and joy and that I can go there at any time. No, it may not be the same but God is the same. I have thought about that so many times over the years and I was thinking about it again this morning. I feel in some ways like God is bringing me back to that meadow. There is a reason why I had that physical meadow for so many years and I know it's because God knows that's what I needed. I am a person who craves solitude and who lives and performs best if I can have time to myself. Which obviously doesn't happen all that often now and so I enjoy it when and as I can. We were so involved with church and the life and schedule that went along with it the last few years that I never really had the solitude and I know it hindered me and hindered my walk. It's almost as if God is bringing me back to who He created me to be and reminding me that it's okay to need solitude, to meet with Him in the secret place, to live my life quietly and not feel like if I am not doing doing doing and super involved then I am somehow less or failing or not as much of a Christian. I am learning that the most important thing in my life right now is living by example for Emma's sake. If I am not being true to the person God created me to be how am I to teach her, instruct her, be an example to her? I want her to know God. I want her to run hard after Him and to feel free to sing and pray and dance as her heart leads her but if I am not doing the same then how will she learn? When I was little I used to lay in bed and sing and pray until my parents had to tell me to be quiet and go to sleep. I want Emma to feel free to do the same. I want God to be so real to her that He is another member of the family and not just some being that people talk about it. I love how when it's time to eat she reaches for our hands and says "pay" and how when I pray with her at night she says a resounding "aman" when I am done and how when I tell her in sign language that Jesus loves her she tries to sign "Jesus". Oh that her heart would be free to become the woman God is already calling and creating her to be. I am learning through being a Momma and I love that. I love how God creates us one way for a reason and I love being brought back to it and being reminded of it and being assured that because He created and is creating and changing it is a good thing.

There is a verse that is thrown around alot in the Christian world. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." It is so often used as a verse to claim what we want and desire. That if we just delight in God He will give us what we want. How many times when I was single did I hear and think that if I just delighted in God He would bring my husband and how many times was I disappointed? I have often taught young women that as we delight in the Lord our desires begin to line up with His will for our lives. I heard it explained so much better recently though and it has really stuck with me. To paraphrase the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give/instill/create the desires of your heart." Meaning that as we delight in Him, spend time with Him, surrender to Him, our desires don't just begin to line up with His will for our lives but our desires are actually ones that He has created and placed in our hearts, effectively becoming what He desires for us. I know many of you may have already figured that out but I think God reveals things to us as we need to know them and this was something that I needed to hear when I did and to understand to the depth that I did. It isn't just that if I delight in God He will give me what I want or that what I want lines up with His will. It's that as I delight in Him He changes my desires so that they become what He wants. He creates the desires and places them in my heart. In a way it gave me a lot of peace and helped me to kind of let go in some ways. It's nice to know that all I have to do is delight in Him, spend time with Him and He will take care of the rest, including my desires.

I am looking forward to 2014. Looking back on this last year I can't say that it was full of anything exciting or awful or that I am happy or sad to see it end. There were lots of good things, some bad things, happy, sad, exciting, routine. We enjoyed a good year with Emma and watching her grow and change and develop. We both found some answers to some health issues we are having which is always good. I guess I just feel indifferent about this past year. It was just a year. I am curious to see what 2014 has for us though. I have a quiet anticipation and excitement in my heart. I feel like God has something in store for us and be it little or be it big I don't want to miss it. I want to continue on delighting and reading and praying and living and allowing God to work and move so that as He does I can be a living witness and example, even if it's just to my little girl..

May God continue the work He has started. May I over and over again find that meadow, that place of communing with God in quiet as my heart needs.

May 2014 be delight FULL.

One and a Half!

I realized tonight that while I had posted some photos and such for Emma's 18 month birthday I forgot that some of you don't have Facebook and so wouldn't see them. Thought I would do a quick blog and include a few photos.

It is so hard to believe that Emma is 18 months old already! The time has gone by so quickly and we have been enjoying every stage. She is talking so much more now and copying us so much more (not always a good thing!) and trying to be independent but at times is scared of that independence. We are slowly introducing the potty and will be getting more serious about it after the holidays. She loves to sit on it and we must do a good "yay" and clap our hands when she is done. :) It does my heart good to see how strong and healthy she is and it encourages me to keep up with the good healthy food and to make sure she gets the naps and sleep she so needs.

I love that I can see so much of Chad and I in Emma. You know, the majority of the time I forget that she is adopted. It is like God was so in control and had everything so planned that it feels like she actually came from us. She is stubborn like we are (which makes for some good head to heads!) and she loves to help (like her two middle children parents just automatically do) and I can see her mirroring me at times (scary!) and I just see how God created her just for us. I am so blessed to know her and to watch her little personality develop and flourish and bloom. She is a very funny little girl and I love to get her laughing until she can't breathe, which is when she then says "all done"!

Here are some photos of our Emma who is much less a baby and much more a little girl every day. She is starting to love to dress up and have her hair done and wear dresses and after I get her ready for the day she loves to run out to her Dada and show him her hair and have him tell her how beautiful she is. She truly is. Inside and out and it is the inside especially that I am loving more and more. I am truly realizing every day how big a job being a Momma is as I influence and love and train up this little girl to one day be a woman of God who loves and helps and shows kindness to others.

Helping Momma with the housework. One of her favourite words is "help"!

 Helping again. This time helping make breakfast on a Sunday morning.

 Being goofy!

 Pretty in pink!

She loves to wear headbands or hats. Never used to but does now.

Her hair is getting so long!

 Hanging out with Momma in the kitchen drinking a smoothie. We do this quite often.

 Funny faces!

 Dress up time!

 Love those pigtails!

 This photo melts my heart. Emma absolutely adores her Dada. I love to hear her call him or say Dada. It almost sounds like she is British when she says it and her little voice is so cute. I love watching them together and am so thankful that she will always have a Daddy to turn to who is strong and confident and yet so gentle and loving. The boys in her future will have a lot to live up to!

What's In a Name?

I have been thinking a little bit lately about how the day we brought Emma home didn't go exactly as I had planned. Before we even knew she was going to be a girl, before we knew she was coming, right back when we decided to try starting a family I had a scenario that would play out in my mind.

I always knew that if I had a little girl her middle name would be Marlane. Partly because it is my middle name but mostly because it is the first name of the most precious woman in my life. I had a little speech all planned that I was going to make to build up to what her middle name was. What happened the day she came home? Well, my parents were waiting for us (with pizza because we hadn't really eaten all day!) and so we all came in the house and I took Emma out of her carseat and handed her to my Mom and simply said "Her name is Emma Marlane". Of course there were tears and all of that but I have regretted not being able to give my little speech. I had thought of writing it all in a nice card and sending it to my Mom but I decided this morning that I would blog about it so that everyone can know just why Emma's middle name is Marlane.

My speech would have gone something like this - "Her first name is Emma. I have always loved that name, it is my great-grandma's name and also the birthmom's middle name. For her middle name we named her after a woman of much strength, grace and beauty who loves and gives of herself willingly and selflessly and whom I am profoundly grateful to call my Mom. Marlane, a perfect middle name for a gift from God."

Since I am writing all of this though and can express myself so much more freely through the written word I want to expand on all of that and today I want to celebrate my Mom. Not for any special reason except that she is my Mom.

Many of you reading this know my Mom's story. For those of you who don't I would encourage you to sit down with her one day and over a big bowl of popcorn and a cup of chamomile tea listen to her story and to her heart. It is a story of broken lives and hearts, a story of mistakes and second chances, a story of persevering and holding fast and learning to lean on the Everlasting arms, a story of not having roots or a heritage and finally discovering all of those. My Mom is very humble and I know as she reads this she will be thinking of her faults and this and that which she doesn't like about herself and all of those things that so many of us think about ourselves because all we see is what is inside and the things that need to change and the things we don't like. I'm not going to say she is perfect because I know she isn't. However, it is knowing that and watching her rise above what life throws her way in spite of all of that and learning from her mistakes and seeing her learn and grow and change that makes me love her even more. I am so incredibly blessed to be very close to my Mom and so desire in my heart to have the same relationship with Emma. It is also my desire to see Emma be close to my Mom as I was so close to my Gramma Petty.

My Mom has endured much hurt and misunderstanding and ridicule and, though she never speaks of it, I know her heart hurts often and yet she continues on. Today I want to thank her. Thank her for teaching me what it is to love, to stand by your children and let them make mistakes and being there for them when they need you and realize they messed up. For always, always, always being there for me and understanding my heart many times before I even have to say a word. For praying for me and supporting me and putting up with me. For praying for Chad before she even knew him and now loving him as a son. For praying for Emma and loving Emma and for the fact that as Emma gets older if she has questions that I don't know how to answer about her birthmom I know she will have someone to go to who understands a little better than I do. For not being perfect and letting me see that. For homeschooling me and teaching me about Jesus. For being the best Mom I could ever need or want and for always being my friend while being my Mom first. Even at 40 years old there are still so many times when I just need my Mom. I see my Mom more and more when I look in the mirror. I have always been such a combination of my parents in both looks and personality. The older I get though the more I see my Mom and hear my Mom. I am okay with that.

And so, all of that being said, Emma Marlane is named after a woman that I cherish and am proud of and love so very much. A woman full of grace and love. A woman whom I hope Emma looks up to and learns from and is able to spend much time with. We all have a lot to learn from my Mom. There is a depth to her and her heart that few people have the privilege of seeing or haven't taken the time to learn from. I would encourage you to do both. I was once told something about myself that I think I need to pass on to my Mom.

"There is a lot of gold in there. You need to let it out."

Love you Mom. So very proud to be your daughter.