Update

     Just a quick little update to let you know that I heard from the agency and we are currently number 11 on the list! Moved up again! Our profile was sent out to a birthmom who has not yet made a decision and is still looking at profiles. She is due in July. Please keep her in your prayers as she makes what must be such a difficult decision. My heart goes out to these birthmoms who have to make what is perhaps the hardest most heartbreaking decision they will ever have to make. 

Holding Fast

"What happens to us is not nearly as important as what is happening in us."

     That was the first sentence I read in my little devotional book this morning and in a way I think I groaned inside as the devotion this morning was on contentment. When you are in a place of discontent in any way the last thing you want to read or hear about is how important it is to be content in whatever your circumstances may be! Of course for me right now it all has to do with longing for a baby. I was praying this morning and realized just how much of my life I have spent waiting and sometimes I feel like it was time wasted. When I really think about it though I realize how much God has done in me during that time of waiting, when I have let Him. I can fight it and spend time in self-pity but when I let God do what He wants to do in my heart the waiting is easier. Another quote from my devotions this morning...

"If Paul had to learn to be content (Philippians 4:12), it is not instinctive. He learned it by being harrowed and hard pressed, imprisoned and persecuted; for it is there you discover how real the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ is. Our reference point cannot be our circumstances. Our reference point must be Christ. Paul was able to live in any circumstance, because Christ was His strength."

     There is a part of a verse that has become my favorite in the last little while. It is simply this "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. When I am feeling down, in tears over waiting, longing to be a mom and in some ways grieving what hasn't happened and what I feel like I have lost, I repeat this verse out loud and it helps. Reminds me that I can have joy in the midst of trial and it isn't just joy but it is joy from the Lord and it is a strength that will carry me through.


     I am turning 39 in July and I know that is part of me having a tough time right now. Feeling like I am getting to be too old for God to add to my family and like half of my life is over already. I don't "feel" 39, whatever that feels like, but it is a constant reminder of how much my life is not in my control and how I really have to trust that God knows what He's doing because some days in my heart I feel like it's too late. I read a book recently though that really spoke to me. It was a fictional account of Abraham and Sarah and the promise from God that they would become parents to a son and how they waited and waited and waited. I was so struck by Abraham's faith. He has been an example to me for years and one of my favorite portions of scripture is in Romans 4 where Abraham's faith was talked about..."yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform." Romans 4:20-21 


     I find myself being more like Sarah so often. Doubting and laughing and wondering how God could possibly fulfill His promises when nothing has happened yet. I long to be more like Abraham. Not only did he hold fast to the promises of God but while he was waiting he gave glory to God! There was something that stood out to me as I read this book that I had never thought of before or heard preached about. I guess I never paid attention to the fact that Abraham and Sarah's names were changed before they had Isaac, from Abram and Sarai. It was almost as if God had to do a great work in them first, take them through desserts and such, work in their hearts and lives, bring them to a place where He could change them to be who they needed to be before He fulfilled His promise. Then He changed their names. Filled them with more of God. Fulfilled His promise. Made me think more about my own heart and life and what God may be trying to do.


     As I prayed and cried this morning words to a song came to mind and I am including it here for you to listen to. I especially love the bridge in the song. May I continually lift my eyes to the One who orchestrates, leads, guides, heals, corrects, strengthens and fulfills promises and may I learn what it is to be content and to have Christ as my reference point and not my circumstance. This I know, if I hold fast to the Lord, His joy will be my strength.