Monday, September 23, 2013

Seasons

I love fall. I love the leaves turning color and the crisp air and sweaters and tea and just everything about it. I could never live in a country that doesn't have seasons. Yes, there are many days during the winter here in Northern Alberta where I could do without the cold and snow but I also know that I would miss it. I love anticipating the changing of the seasons and wondering what each new season will hold and seeing the birds come and go and the flowers grow and bloom only to tuck away again for the winter. I love new life in spring and lush green in summer. I love waking up to a snow covered wonderland when it is so quiet you can almost hear the snow falling. I love that in our lives there are seasons and change and that God is with us through each season and preparing us for each change.

I feel like we are entering a new season in our family. We are waiting for our next child, learning to be parents and watching in amazement as Emma grows from a baby to a toddler, knowing that in just a few years we will getting ready to start school with her (I am excited about that!) and making decisions as to which homeschool association to register with and which books to use. She and I are getting ready to settle into a routine this fall filled with music lessons and swimming lessons and hopefully some story times at the library. Not to mention just every day life stuff as she is my little shadow and helper and loves to learn what Momma is doing and why and how she can help. She is talking more with both voice and sign and I am quickly losing sight of the baby in her but loving this stage of her life.

We are also entering a new and different season as we are no longer attending the church we went to for almost 3 years. We are not currently attending anywhere and I am not sure when or where we will be, at least for a while. I find myself in a season that I haven't been in for a while. A season of being quiet and wanting it to be that way and waiting and listening. After 3 years of giving and feeding others without really being fed in return I find myself craving quiet and wanting to read more and listen to worship music. I find myself feeling better about my relatonship with God than I have for a while and feeling more at peace. It's a good place to be and yet one that I know many people would disagree with and I have already had the "forsake not the assembling of yourselves" verse quoted to me. I think sometimes people can take that verse and use it to judge others or try to guilt others or try encourage others in a direction that maybe isn't needed right now. Does that verse always mean "church" or can it mean having good fellowship with one other person and talking about God and encouraging each other? Can it be sitting as a family and reading Bible stories or having a conversation on the phone with someone you have never even met yet and discovering you have a similar desire in how you want to worship and learn about God? Anyone can go to church but does that mean they are "assembling"? I could go to church but be stagnant in my walk with God and never really give of myself and no one would never know. I crave fellowship. I crave sitting and having a good conversation about who God is and what He has done and what we have learned and are learning and challenging each other and encouraging each other. That is the assembling that I long for and am hoping to find. We will probably at some point end up back at a church but we don't want it to be because that's what everyone expects or thinks we should do and we don't want it to be because of the programs the church does or doesn't have or the social groups that the church does or doesn't have. We want it to be because we know that's where God wants us and needs us.

I have had some old songs come to mind recently. I find that the newer praise and worship songs sing so much about what God can do for us instead of what we need to do or the reverence that is due Him. I have been enjoying the songs that have been coming back into my heart and thought I would share two of them. The first one has had me in tears a little bit as I think about what it really means and how I long for what the words say...

"Awaken my heart to love and adore you Oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to bow down before you oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to know Your love and to love You in return
Freely flowing from an awakened heart."

And this one...

"Let all those that seek Thee rejoice and be glad in Thee, in Thee oh Lord
And let such as love Thy salvation say continually, continually.
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be maginified
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be magnified!"

I don't know that this next season of our life holds. All I know is that I have a feeling of anticipation for what God is going to do and I am so thankful that He is with us all the way and that as we hold fast He leads and guides and renews and brings life and sets us free. May our hearts be open for what this next season holds and may we never forget who the Creator of those seasons is.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Ready. Set. Wait!

As of today we are officially on the active waiting list! We are starting out at #69 this time but there are 9 couples on hold ahead of us as a number of them have found out they are expecting, some have been matched, etc. So in a way we are more like #63ish. Feels good to have gotten to this point and now we just have to wait. It kind of feels surreal to be starting all over again and we so hope that Emma and the new addition won't be many years apart. We know though that God's plan is best and as He has done before He will do again in blessing us with the baby He knows needs to be with us and who we need.

I started having thoughts today like how do you prepare a toddler for a new baby when you have no idea when that baby will be coming? I guess we will just do what we can and pray that God prepares Emma's heart to share her Daddy and Momma and Finlay and everything else. She is a very kind-hearted little girl who loves to share and make sure everyone is included so we will just have to hope it stays that way and extends to her new sibling when the time comes. That God would begin to fill her heart with love for this new little one.

I have such mixed feelings with going back on the list. I am excited and so ready to welcome another baby but I still struggle at times with our "unexplained infertility" as it is hard for me to understand why I would be given such a desire at such a young age to be a mommy only to have what comes so naturally to so many women taken away from me and in essence have a long-loved and anticipated dream die. There are still tears shed at times and I know that it isn't something that will ever go away. That longing to know what it's like to carry a baby and meet someone who is a result of Chad's and my love for each other. To never know what a mixture of Chad and I would look like or the personality they would have and to not be able to present my husband with his bio child breaks my heart and I have to not think about it or I just cry. I had something come to mind the other day though that helped a little and I know it was God reminding me to strengthen me. Many years ago there was a prophecy given over me that I have seen fulfilled in various ways over the years. The part of the prophecy that I remember is where it was said that the little children would be brought to me and I would have the bread to feed them. I have seen that in the work I have done with youth at camp and with youth group and especially with my girls' group in 'feeding' them the bread of Life, but I wonder how much of that was God in a way preparing me to be an adoptive mom. He is bringing these little children into my life to feed, both physically and spiritually. There is a reason why He is filling our home with little ones who need a home. It doesn't necessarily make the hurt or longing less but it does make me more eager to meet my new baby and to hear their story and to see God once again make something beautiful in His time.

Will you pray for us as we wait? Pray that God would have His will and way and that as we wait we would fall in love with our new baby. Pray that God would prepare all of us and that when the time comes our new little one would fit in as though they have always been here. Pray as God leads.
Thank you.

Actively waiting...