Friday, July 17, 2015

Tears of Grief

"Sad news." "Homicide detectives." "Shot and killed." "We wanted you to know."

I never expected to receive such news in relation to someone that I knew but there it was. A shock. A heartbreaking shock. In a tragic and violent incident a young woman's life was taken. A young woman who impacted our lives more than anyone else ever has. A young woman with a sweet spirit who had so much potential and yet she just couldn't seem to overcome her addictions and the choices in her life that brought her to such a point. That young woman was Emma's birth mom K.

We knew when we adopted Emma that K had an addiction problem. She pretty much went straight from the hospital into rehab. I kept in touch with her for the first while. We texted and we exchanged emails. She was in a vulnerable position and was open to me asking questions and she told me about her drug of choice (cocaine) and that she had indeed used while pregnant. She came out of rehab and she was so excited about life and the possibilities ahead of her, knowing that she likely would not move back here because there were too many triggers and connections. She was making a new life for herself. But something drove her back and in time she was right back where she started. It was hard hearing the news from her Mom. Hard knowing that she was hurting her parents and her boys. Her Mom was so good about letting us know what was going on and what the latest news was and how K was doing. This was never expected to happen though. A drug related home invasion. Shot multiple times. Succumbing to the injuries.

I have had so many different emotions towards K in the last 3 years. Everything from deep gratitude to anger. She gave us the most amazing gift anyone could ever give but while she was pregnant with our gift she chose to use drugs and endangered our baby. I remember getting the call that Emma did indeed have cocaine in her blood when they tested it. I remember being so angry. Emma did go through withdrawal and I am so thankful it was short lived. I see my Emma now and all I can think is that God was protecting her in a huge way. She is strong and healthy and intelligent and such an amazing little girl.

I will never forget the first time I saw K. She was sitting in the hospital bed holding Emma. She would have been almost 24 at the time but she looked more like 16. She looked so scared and vulnerable and like she just wanted to run but didn't want to run because it would hurt so much. She was trying to be so strong while her heart was breaking inside her. She later told me that she had always dreamed of having a little girl. I will never forget her strength that day, her determination, her sweet spirit. You can argue that she chose her lifestyle over her children and maybe she did but she also loved them enough to be sure they were loved and taken care of.

We went to K's memorial service today. I have been to many funerals but this was one of the hardest. To see her two young sons walk in with their grandparents (who adopted the boys last year), to see her parents in tears and to see her oldest son (who is 7) absolutely heartbroken really took a toll on my heart. Then to see the slide show of K's life and to see Emma's look alike pop up on the screen was almost more than I could take. They don't look exactly alike, and in fact sometimes you really have to sit and compare before you see a similarity, but Emma has K's eyes and some of the expressions on K's face in the photos was so like our Emma. It was a nice service, a quiet service. One where faith was talked about and where God was the centre. K was raised in a Christian home and at a young age acknowledged God and the seeds of faith were sown. We can only hope and pray that in those moments before death stole her away she cried out to God.

Looking at the future is so different than it used to be. I used to wonder what it would be like if/when Emma wanted to meet her birth mom. How would I handle that? Would I be able to be gracious and understanding and not let fear take over? Those questions are gone now and in their place are new ones. When do we tell her? How do we tell her? How much do we tell her? For me there is no "if" we tell her. This is not something I will ever hide from her. She deserves to hear the truth. It is more having the wisdom and discernment for the where and when and how. I found myself grieving for Emma today. Grieving for the heart that will be broken. Knowing that she will have to go through a grieving process herself at some point. I will walk with her through that, pray her through that, hold her through that and trust that God will make something beautiful of it.

There are two memories of K that I will always hold close to my heart. The first one is the moment we shared just before she walked out of the hospital room and left Emma behind. We hugged each other and we cried together and K looked at me and said "You will be great.". Here is this young woman walking away from her beautiful little girl and telling me that I will be a great Mom. The other memory I have is when Emma was 6 months old K got to see her again. K had completed her time in rehab and was making a new life for herself (before eventually moving back here). I saw peace in her eyes, like she wasn't running anymore. She looked so happy and healthy and ready to tackle whatever lie in front of her. I am sure it broke her heart in many ways to see Emma with me her Momma but K's face was glowing as she watched us. Almost as if she knew that for the first time she had made the right decision in blessing us with our amazing gift.

K was an addict. She made so many wrong life choices. She chose the life she had over the life she could have had and as a result she died a tragic and violent death. K was also sweet, she loved and felt deeply. She had a beautiful smile and a beautiful spirit. I will never speak ill of her to anyone and especially not to Emma. I know full well that the way I speak of K and act when K's name is spoken is the way that Emma will learn to think of her and so I want to always speak of her with love and respect. Respect for making good choices when faced with the most important ones, the lives of her children. Love for blessing us with the beautiful gift that has changed our lives. I want to instil within Emma the kind of love and respect that acknowledges the wrong choices K made but sees that there was so much more to this beautiful lost soul.

I heard a song on the radio the other day and if I could have shared it with K I would have. It brought me to tears as I thought of all she could have had and all she could have been if not for addiction.

You're Beautiful

And so our lives go on. In so many ways K's death has closed many doors. Never though will I forget the sweet troubled girl who hugged me and cried with me and told me "You will be great." Those words meant more than she will ever know.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Finally Writing Again

Months. It has been months since I have 'taken up the pen' as it were and written more than just a quick waiting list update. I'm not sure why. It isn't for lack of things to write about as there has been much going on in our lives and in my heart and on my mind. It hasn't been for lack of time as Emma still naps and I have evenings as well. I am hoping to start writing more consistently again and the first thing I want to do is to give everyone an update on us. So here it goes...

I had a really tough winter. I was sick for a few months and am still not sure exactly what was going on. It started out as gallbladder/liver issues and morphed into supposed kidney infection and just lots of pain and discomfort. I wasn't eating much so lost weight. In hindsight I can say that I was definitely dealing with seasonal affective disorder as well. I'm still not sure which came first, SAD or being sick, or if it was just a vicious cycle. I have known for years that I have adrenal fatigue (I finally a few years ago found a doctor who would treat it and help me and have been doing so much better) and so that was a factor as well. I was able to find help through different practitioners as well as just doing a better job of taking care of myself and slowly over time I began to feel better. I am doing so much better now than I was a few months ago but I definitely find that stress and busyness are really hard on me and I am slowly and not very patiently or without frustration learning to rest when my body says rest. I try not to be envious of those people who seem to have endless energy and just accept that I am how I am and I need to take care of me so I am here for my family.

Emma and Chad were amazing through all of it. Poor Emma had to put up with a Mommy who many days was just not happy and was in pain and unfortunately she probably saw the worst of it. I am so thankful that children are resilient and that she really didnt know what was going on except that some days Mommy just couldn't do stuff or Mommy had a short temper etc. She was certainly my light through it all. Chad was wonderful in jumping in and doing so much around the house and with Emma as there were many days when I just couldn't and I know he could tell just by looking at me. I will forever be so grateful and in awe of the man God has blessed me with. 

It is good to be feeling better. It is good to be able to laugh and play and just be thankful for healing. It is a journey that I feel like I will always be on as I often start to feel really good and then will have a setback but I think I am learning how to handle situations better. An example is that we just had a wonderful 3rd birthday party for Emma and I actually asked my Mom to come early to help me out as I knew it would be too much for me to do. Asking for help is a really hard thing for me to do but I am learning to humble myself and do so. Life really is a journey of learning and mistakes and setbacks and walking forward and defeats and victories isn't it?! How thankful I am for family and friends to take the journey with and for a God who loves me and strengthens me through it all.

Chad has had a big project going on at work and they will be launching a new software program in the next few weeks. The stress is high and I'm not sure who will be happier when it calms down Chad or myself. It's hard to see him under so much stress and to see how it affects him. He is such a hard worker who does such an amazing job of providing for his girls and taking care of us. I don't know what he would do without his little girl who runs to greet him with smiles and hugs and kisses when he comes home from work and it makes my heart sing to hear the giggles and laughter as they play together. He so needs it and so does she. That little girl has a hero and it is most definitely her beloved Daddy.

Emma. Dear sweet headstrong Emma. Where have the last 3 years gone?! When I look at her now it's hard sometimes to remember how tiny she was. She just had a growth spurt recently and I really don't see any baby left in her anymore. She is such a character and has such a kind and compassionate heart. She loves to talk! Oh my but she loves to talk! It is so hard sometimes to not laugh while she is talking because she talks like such a little grownup but of course she doesn't realize that she is using some words in the wrong context or mispronouncing some of them (like hippopotomanus). Yes, I will admit there are moments when I wish she would be quiet, like when she is supposed to be falling asleep, but I love to listen to her. It is always fun to see people's reactions to her speaking when we are leaving a store and she is saying thank you to the cashier and telling them to have a good day or when she is explaining what we are buying or why we buying it or when we walk into the chiropractor's office and she tells the receptionist and everyone in the waiting room that we are there so the doctor can fix Mommy's back because Mommy's back is hurting. As she gets older in some ways she seems to be getting more headstrong as well but I also find that she is understanding more when it comes to discipline and talking it out with her. Like the other day when she threw a temper tantrum and afterwards she acknowledged that she wasn't throwing the tantrum because she wanted me to do whatever it was but because she was frustrated that I wasn't listening to her bossyness and giving in just to keep her quiet. Working through things like that are always so difficult but the reward comes in little things like her asking me, when it was all said and done, if we could just sit on the couch and cuddle. Which of course we did, for a long time. She has been asking me quite often lately to tell her the story about when she same home. I love to tell her the story because hearing how much Mommy and Daddy loved her before we even saw her and how she made Mommy the happiest Mommy in the world the day she came home brings such a sweet smile to her face. Three years ago our world and family changed forever and she is by far the best change that has ever happened to us!

There isn't much of an update as far as the waiting list. When I checked at the beginning of the month we were at number 32 so we really didn't move up much in May. I am hoping for a call soon but also resting in knowing that God did amazing things in bringing us our Emma and He will do the same again.

By this time next weekend all of Emma's programs (music class, swimming and sportball) will be over and we can truly enjoy summer and no schedules and playing outside and lazy days and time spent at the lake. I am so looking forward to it. To giggles and squeals and adventures and discoveries and cuddles and singing and family time. We are so blessed to have each other and being together is the most important thing to us and what we enjoy the most.

Here are a few recent photos of our Em. She was so incredibly excited about turning 3 and about her party and she loved every minute of it. It took her a few days to recover from all of the excitement. :)












Friday, May 1, 2015

Time to Update

It's been a long time since I have written and I do need to do that soon but for today I thought I would just share our latest update on where we are on the waiting list.

I emailed this morning for our monthly update and was told that we are #34 on the list with 8 on hold ahead of us. Our profile has been shown twice this year. Once in January and once in March. I am hoping that maybe by June we will be in the 20s. That would increase the chances of our profile going out more often.

I am ready for baby number 2. If you had asked me a few months ago I would have said absolutely not but I am feeling ready now and so of course now it really feels like the time is dragging. I am starting to get so that every time the phone rings I am hoping it is the good news. So many around me are having babies too so that increases the longing. I also watch as Emma nears her 3rd birthday in June and see how much further away we are getting from anything baby and how big the transition will be to start all over again. I will have one amazing little helper though! 

In the not too distant future my own birthday is looming. Little ones are exhausting and I am not getting any younger! How different it would be if I was 15 years younger than I am! I find that I don't really fit in very many places that I go. So often when we attend events for Emma it is me and a bunch of much younger moms and if I am in a group of women my own age most of them have kids that are grown and on their own. But this I know, God's timing always has been and always will be best and I wouldn't change anything in the work He has done. 

I have such a beautiful little family...which will hopefully grow by one more soon!


Thursday, January 15, 2015

At the Feet of Jesus

I have come into this new year with different thoughts and goals than I have had any other year. There were always all the usuals like work out more, eat better, spend less etc. But this year those thoughts haven't been there. This year my goals are more realistic, more fulfilling, more eternal, more life changing. This year my heart's cry is to spend more time at the feet of Jesus. I haven't been good at doing that for a very long time now and just as it is true that you can see the fruit of the Spirit in people who spend lots of time with the Lord it is also true that there will be a lack of them in people who don't spend time with the Lord. I see more of the latter in myself lately and it hurts my heart to realize it. I miss Jesus. I miss being at peace. I miss being constantly aware of God by my side.

I remember when I moved to the city and how desperately I missed the meadow that I would walk to whenever I needed time to be with Jesus. My dogs and I would go for a long walk and I am sure if people had been able to watch me they would have thought I was a little off in the head as I would walk along and talk out loud to Jesus as if He were walking right beside me. Which of course He was. How I loved those walks! I was free to laugh and cry and pray and scream and sing and just express everything that was going on in my heart and in my head. When I moved to the city it was so different. I remember my Mom telling me to remember that the meadow wasn't just a physical place but it was in my heart and that it could be wherever I was. I will be honest and tell you that in the 13 years I have been here more often than not I haven't been able to find it. Life is so different here. Not in a bad way but in a way that keeps you busy and entertained and so you have to be more purposeful about taking time away and just being quiet before the Lord even in the midst of the noise. Not something I have been very good at it. With all that has transpired in our lives in the last few years and with bottling so much up I am at the point where if I don't find that meadow again I feel as though I may never find it.

And so the only goal I have for this year is to spend more time in that meadow, at the feet of my sweet Saviour, because I know that in doing that everything else will be more peaceful, more joyful, more beautiful.

I know it will never be exactly how it was but I don't want it to be. Life has happened and with that life has come change. I am so incredibly thankful though that my God never changes and that He is the same yesterday and today and forever! My heart needs work, my attitudes need work, my thoughts need work. I long to be the kind of wife and mother that God has called me to be. I long to be less selfish, more patient, more compassionate, more understanding, more loving, kinder, and I know that I cannot make that happen in and of myself and that it will only come when I spend time with Jesus.

To help me along on this journey I have purchased 3 books that I am going to work my way through...


The one on the left is a Bible but it is laid out in such a way that each day has readings from the Old Testament, Psalms, Proverbs and the New Testament so that by the end of the year I will have read through the whole Bible. The book in the middle is by Francis Chan and his wife Lisa. It may look like it's a book about how to have a great marriage but really it's a book about focusing on God first and foremost. "The way to have a great marriage is by not focusing on marriage". (Now before anyone reads anything into this, my marriage is just fine. There is always room for improvement though right because nobody has the perfect marriage.) The last book is one that when I saw it I knew I had to work through. It is a daily devotional about sitting at the feet of Jesus, 'daily devotions to nurture a Mary heart' as it says on the cover. I used to be such a Mary but have become more of a Martha over the years which I suppose is almost inevitable once you are married and have a family. I need to take more time to be a Mary again. So far that devotional book has hit so many areas in my heart and it is only the middle of January. I look forward to working my way through it.

If you think of me through the year please remember me in prayer. I am absolutely aware that as I start this journey back to the heart of God and who I am in Him that along with that will come obstacles and discouragements and attacks. That is okay though because greater is He that is in me!

When I first started the devotional book this is what I read and it speaks my heart probably better than anything I could write...

Lord Jesus, I give You my life.
I invite You to have Your way in me.
Take me and break me. Shake me and make me.
Fill me and spill me. Change me and rearrange me.
But whatever You do, Lord, don't leave me the same.
Spirit of wisdom and revelation, I welcome Your work.
Open my eyes so I can see...my ears so I can hear...
I choose truth over comfort, challenge over complacency.
Lord, make me forever Yours.
And most of all, make me like You.
        Amen.

Monday, January 5, 2015

This Year?!

I heard from the adoption agency today and I must say that I am feeling rather encouraged and hopeful that perhaps this will be the year that we add to our family. We are quite quickly moving up the list and with this update we are now number 38 on the list with 6 people on hold of us which means we will be at 32 once they come off. Yay!

I have started talking to Emma about how there will be a baby in our house one day. She told me that she will help me feed the baby when the baby's tummy is growling and "I really like babies!". Which is kind of funny to me because she has never been one to play with her dolls. I have the feeling that will all change once a baby is in the house though.

Perhaps this will be a big year in our family! I can't wait to see who our new little person is going to be!

I am so thankful that God's timing is perfect and will wait with hope and trust.