Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Moments in Time

In some ways it feels like we didn't even have winter this year. It was so very mild and not lots of snow. That means we have had a beautifully early spring but it also means we are in for a very dry summer. Time is flying by and I can't believe we are in the second half of April already!

There are times though when it doesn't seem like time is flying by and those are the moments when it hits me again how long we have been waiting this time for "the" phone call. Moments when I would just like to sit and have a good cry about it all because sometimes the waiting just hurts so much. For the most part life is filled with joy and love and little girl giggles and adventures and listening to an incredibly active imagination at play. But there are moments in time when I just want to sit and hold a baby again and experience all those firsts again. I am part of a moms group that meets every week and I have really been enjoying it. The girls in my group are all so great and I have made some sweet friendships and I appreciate them and am thankful I joined. There are moments there though too where it is just so hard. I am surrounded by beautiful women who have had or are having babies. There are announcements being made all the time and baby bumps all over the place. I am so happy for them and love seeing the toothless baby smiles but there are moments when it is almost more than I can take. Where it is another reminder that I am just waiting and there is nothing I can do about it.

This morning at the moms group there was a speaker who was sharing on grief. Most of it was centred around losing a loved one but of course things came up like broken marriages, loss of jobs, loss of health etc. I have know for a long time that I have and probably always will grieve my lack of fertility, the loss of a dream I had all my life of bearing lots of children. At times I even feel like less of a woman somehow because I haven't been able to conceive. Sometimes it hurts so much and yet I don't talk about it because there really aren't people in my life who would understand and because I don't easily share my heart with people. Don't want to bother others with my burdens but also don't want them to feel awkward in a situation that they don't understand. What happens then of course is I bottle it up and try to pretend it's not there. So today I decided to blog about it. I haven't written for so long and part of that is my way of bottling up. I don't want to just write shallow, flippant posts but it's also draining and hard for me to write what's really going on in my heart. It takes a lot out of me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not living in depression or any such thing. My life is so full right now. I have a beautiful little girl who is turning 4 in June (already!) who loves to give spontaneous hugs and kisses and sing me songs that she made up and help me with whatever I'm doing and who is learning what it means to be able to pray whenever and wherever she is. She is light and joy and she makes us laugh and I am so incredibly proud of the little person she is. I have a husband who is truly my constant. When it feels like things are falling apart or when I feel anxious about life he is there and he is constant and he loves me. I have a dog who is loyal and loving. I have a beautiful home and big yard and space for gardens. I am so incredibly, beautifully blessed! That is what gets me through those moments of sadness and grief. Counting my blessings and seeing what God has done and hoping and trusting in what He is going to do. It doesn't mean I don't still cry at times and in all honesty I just feel like I probably always will. Like it is my own silent grief that will always be there. I am coming to terms with that and learning to just live and let God be God and trust that He truly has my best interests in mind. You know, my life hasn't gone at all the way I always hoped and dreamed. For that I am thankful. I can look back and see how God has worked and moved and led and guided and protected and because of His faithfulness I can still trust. Some days it is so very hard to do so but still I cling to that unchanging hand and trust that He is always there.

When you think of me please pray for me. For us. I told Emma her adoption story again recently and explained to her again that we are waiting for a baby to come and live with us. She asked me the other day when the baby is coming. In her own little way she is also waiting. She will tell me how she is going to help me and she will talk about being a sister. She is going to be such a wonderful big sister. We all hope the phone call comes soon but until that call comes your prayers are coveted and appreciated. We have been on and are on quite a journey.

As of the first of April we were number 16 on the waiting list with 2 couples on hold ahead of us. Our  profile was out once in March with a birth family but it sounded as though birth mom was deciding to keep the baby.

So we wait. We wait and we live and we love and we hope and when those moments of sadness or hurt come I let myself feel it and then I look up again, count my multitude of blessings and carry on. Life is too short to live in despair!

Here are a couple pictures of the joy of our lives. By far our biggest blessing! She is such a remarkable gift to us and to all who know her. How truly blessed we are!




"Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Teach me Lord to wait."