Delight Full

I think God is pretty awesome. I love how He shows us things and reveals Himself and shows us our hearts but also how He is the one who created us and made us a certain way for a reason and how He keeps bringing us back to that if we let Him. I have been doing much soul searching and praying and reading in the last little while and, while I thought I was going to be heading in one direction with something I thought I had to deal with, God seems to be leading me in another. It is amazing to me how when you actually take the time to spend with God and have an open heart He begins to move and work and open your eyes. It makes my heart smile, even if the moving and working can at times be tough. Here is a taste of what I have been thinking about...

When I lived in BC I used to go for walks "out back" on the acreage we lived on to this beautiful mountain meadow. It would just be me and our Golden Lab and Jesus. I would pray out loud, more like talk as it always felt like Jesus was just walking by my side. Sometimes I might sing or just be silent and listen. I loved those times of solitude and it never failed that I would come back feeling refreshed and fed and watered. Then I moved to the big city. I knew that if I talked out loud to God as I walked down the streets people would think I was nuts and I certainly wasn't going to find a beautiful mountain meadow. I remember talking to my Mom about it one day and she told me to remember that the meadow isn't just a physical place, it is also inside me. That place where I meet and commune with God and where I will find peace and joy and that I can go there at any time. No, it may not be the same but God is the same. I have thought about that so many times over the years and I was thinking about it again this morning. I feel in some ways like God is bringing me back to that meadow. There is a reason why I had that physical meadow for so many years and I know it's because God knows that's what I needed. I am a person who craves solitude and who lives and performs best if I can have time to myself. Which obviously doesn't happen all that often now and so I enjoy it when and as I can. We were so involved with church and the life and schedule that went along with it the last few years that I never really had the solitude and I know it hindered me and hindered my walk. It's almost as if God is bringing me back to who He created me to be and reminding me that it's okay to need solitude, to meet with Him in the secret place, to live my life quietly and not feel like if I am not doing doing doing and super involved then I am somehow less or failing or not as much of a Christian. I am learning that the most important thing in my life right now is living by example for Emma's sake. If I am not being true to the person God created me to be how am I to teach her, instruct her, be an example to her? I want her to know God. I want her to run hard after Him and to feel free to sing and pray and dance as her heart leads her but if I am not doing the same then how will she learn? When I was little I used to lay in bed and sing and pray until my parents had to tell me to be quiet and go to sleep. I want Emma to feel free to do the same. I want God to be so real to her that He is another member of the family and not just some being that people talk about it. I love how when it's time to eat she reaches for our hands and says "pay" and how when I pray with her at night she says a resounding "aman" when I am done and how when I tell her in sign language that Jesus loves her she tries to sign "Jesus". Oh that her heart would be free to become the woman God is already calling and creating her to be. I am learning through being a Momma and I love that. I love how God creates us one way for a reason and I love being brought back to it and being reminded of it and being assured that because He created and is creating and changing it is a good thing.

There is a verse that is thrown around alot in the Christian world. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." It is so often used as a verse to claim what we want and desire. That if we just delight in God He will give us what we want. How many times when I was single did I hear and think that if I just delighted in God He would bring my husband and how many times was I disappointed? I have often taught young women that as we delight in the Lord our desires begin to line up with His will for our lives. I heard it explained so much better recently though and it has really stuck with me. To paraphrase the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give/instill/create the desires of your heart." Meaning that as we delight in Him, spend time with Him, surrender to Him, our desires don't just begin to line up with His will for our lives but our desires are actually ones that He has created and placed in our hearts, effectively becoming what He desires for us. I know many of you may have already figured that out but I think God reveals things to us as we need to know them and this was something that I needed to hear when I did and to understand to the depth that I did. It isn't just that if I delight in God He will give me what I want or that what I want lines up with His will. It's that as I delight in Him He changes my desires so that they become what He wants. He creates the desires and places them in my heart. In a way it gave me a lot of peace and helped me to kind of let go in some ways. It's nice to know that all I have to do is delight in Him, spend time with Him and He will take care of the rest, including my desires.

I am looking forward to 2014. Looking back on this last year I can't say that it was full of anything exciting or awful or that I am happy or sad to see it end. There were lots of good things, some bad things, happy, sad, exciting, routine. We enjoyed a good year with Emma and watching her grow and change and develop. We both found some answers to some health issues we are having which is always good. I guess I just feel indifferent about this past year. It was just a year. I am curious to see what 2014 has for us though. I have a quiet anticipation and excitement in my heart. I feel like God has something in store for us and be it little or be it big I don't want to miss it. I want to continue on delighting and reading and praying and living and allowing God to work and move so that as He does I can be a living witness and example, even if it's just to my little girl..

May God continue the work He has started. May I over and over again find that meadow, that place of communing with God in quiet as my heart needs.

May 2014 be delight FULL.

One and a Half!

I realized tonight that while I had posted some photos and such for Emma's 18 month birthday I forgot that some of you don't have Facebook and so wouldn't see them. Thought I would do a quick blog and include a few photos.

It is so hard to believe that Emma is 18 months old already! The time has gone by so quickly and we have been enjoying every stage. She is talking so much more now and copying us so much more (not always a good thing!) and trying to be independent but at times is scared of that independence. We are slowly introducing the potty and will be getting more serious about it after the holidays. She loves to sit on it and we must do a good "yay" and clap our hands when she is done. :) It does my heart good to see how strong and healthy she is and it encourages me to keep up with the good healthy food and to make sure she gets the naps and sleep she so needs.

I love that I can see so much of Chad and I in Emma. You know, the majority of the time I forget that she is adopted. It is like God was so in control and had everything so planned that it feels like she actually came from us. She is stubborn like we are (which makes for some good head to heads!) and she loves to help (like her two middle children parents just automatically do) and I can see her mirroring me at times (scary!) and I just see how God created her just for us. I am so blessed to know her and to watch her little personality develop and flourish and bloom. She is a very funny little girl and I love to get her laughing until she can't breathe, which is when she then says "all done"!

Here are some photos of our Emma who is much less a baby and much more a little girl every day. She is starting to love to dress up and have her hair done and wear dresses and after I get her ready for the day she loves to run out to her Dada and show him her hair and have him tell her how beautiful she is. She truly is. Inside and out and it is the inside especially that I am loving more and more. I am truly realizing every day how big a job being a Momma is as I influence and love and train up this little girl to one day be a woman of God who loves and helps and shows kindness to others.

Helping Momma with the housework. One of her favourite words is "help"!

 Helping again. This time helping make breakfast on a Sunday morning.

 Being goofy!

 Pretty in pink!

She loves to wear headbands or hats. Never used to but does now.

Her hair is getting so long!

 Hanging out with Momma in the kitchen drinking a smoothie. We do this quite often.

 Funny faces!

 Dress up time!

 Love those pigtails!

 This photo melts my heart. Emma absolutely adores her Dada. I love to hear her call him or say Dada. It almost sounds like she is British when she says it and her little voice is so cute. I love watching them together and am so thankful that she will always have a Daddy to turn to who is strong and confident and yet so gentle and loving. The boys in her future will have a lot to live up to!

What's In a Name?

I have been thinking a little bit lately about how the day we brought Emma home didn't go exactly as I had planned. Before we even knew she was going to be a girl, before we knew she was coming, right back when we decided to try starting a family I had a scenario that would play out in my mind.

I always knew that if I had a little girl her middle name would be Marlane. Partly because it is my middle name but mostly because it is the first name of the most precious woman in my life. I had a little speech all planned that I was going to make to build up to what her middle name was. What happened the day she came home? Well, my parents were waiting for us (with pizza because we hadn't really eaten all day!) and so we all came in the house and I took Emma out of her carseat and handed her to my Mom and simply said "Her name is Emma Marlane". Of course there were tears and all of that but I have regretted not being able to give my little speech. I had thought of writing it all in a nice card and sending it to my Mom but I decided this morning that I would blog about it so that everyone can know just why Emma's middle name is Marlane.

My speech would have gone something like this - "Her first name is Emma. I have always loved that name, it is my great-grandma's name and also the birthmom's middle name. For her middle name we named her after a woman of much strength, grace and beauty who loves and gives of herself willingly and selflessly and whom I am profoundly grateful to call my Mom. Marlane, a perfect middle name for a gift from God."

Since I am writing all of this though and can express myself so much more freely through the written word I want to expand on all of that and today I want to celebrate my Mom. Not for any special reason except that she is my Mom.

Many of you reading this know my Mom's story. For those of you who don't I would encourage you to sit down with her one day and over a big bowl of popcorn and a cup of chamomile tea listen to her story and to her heart. It is a story of broken lives and hearts, a story of mistakes and second chances, a story of persevering and holding fast and learning to lean on the Everlasting arms, a story of not having roots or a heritage and finally discovering all of those. My Mom is very humble and I know as she reads this she will be thinking of her faults and this and that which she doesn't like about herself and all of those things that so many of us think about ourselves because all we see is what is inside and the things that need to change and the things we don't like. I'm not going to say she is perfect because I know she isn't. However, it is knowing that and watching her rise above what life throws her way in spite of all of that and learning from her mistakes and seeing her learn and grow and change that makes me love her even more. I am so incredibly blessed to be very close to my Mom and so desire in my heart to have the same relationship with Emma. It is also my desire to see Emma be close to my Mom as I was so close to my Gramma Petty.

My Mom has endured much hurt and misunderstanding and ridicule and, though she never speaks of it, I know her heart hurts often and yet she continues on. Today I want to thank her. Thank her for teaching me what it is to love, to stand by your children and let them make mistakes and being there for them when they need you and realize they messed up. For always, always, always being there for me and understanding my heart many times before I even have to say a word. For praying for me and supporting me and putting up with me. For praying for Chad before she even knew him and now loving him as a son. For praying for Emma and loving Emma and for the fact that as Emma gets older if she has questions that I don't know how to answer about her birthmom I know she will have someone to go to who understands a little better than I do. For not being perfect and letting me see that. For homeschooling me and teaching me about Jesus. For being the best Mom I could ever need or want and for always being my friend while being my Mom first. Even at 40 years old there are still so many times when I just need my Mom. I see my Mom more and more when I look in the mirror. I have always been such a combination of my parents in both looks and personality. The older I get though the more I see my Mom and hear my Mom. I am okay with that.

And so, all of that being said, Emma Marlane is named after a woman that I cherish and am proud of and love so very much. A woman full of grace and love. A woman whom I hope Emma looks up to and learns from and is able to spend much time with. We all have a lot to learn from my Mom. There is a depth to her and her heart that few people have the privilege of seeing or haven't taken the time to learn from. I would encourage you to do both. I was once told something about myself that I think I need to pass on to my Mom.

"There is a lot of gold in there. You need to let it out."

Love you Mom. So very proud to be your daughter.

Kicking it Cold Turkey

This has been a big week in the life of a little girl! It started on Monday when I talked to her about how it was going to be her last day having a bottle and that the next day she was going to start drinking her milk out of a big girl cup. She hasn't been having lots of bottles a day but she was having them at significant times, before naps and bedtimes. It was how she would relax. I talked with her a few times on the Monday and every time she would look a little uncertain when I told her it was her last day with bottles but then she would get excited when I would tell her she would be drinking her milk out of a big girl cup.

On Tuesday we washed her bottles and then we packed them up into a plastic bag. While we were doing that I was telling her again why we were doing it but this time she shook her head "no" the whole time. It was so cute but it almost broke my heart. Her depth of understanding astounds me. Not just with this but with so much that we talk about with her. She really listens and responds and more than once she has astonished us with what she has done or how she has reacted. After we packed the bottles up we took them out to the garage and say bye-bye to them and put them in the garbage can. We have been very careful to not mention the word "bottle" around her since then.

Overall she has done amazingly well! A number of times she has gone to sleep with no fuss whatsoever. There have been a few times where there have been some tears and she has signed "milk" and asked for it. I tend to just ignore that and get her attention off of it somehow. She is still drinking milk when she gets up, although her interest in milk seems to be waning which I am totally fine with.

I am so incredibly proud of Emma! It has been a tough week with a huge change but she is still her smiling sweet self. Perhaps a little more clingy and her "lovies" (a stuffed giraffe and a stuffed elephant) have definitely become more of a take everywhere kind of thing but that is so okay. She has handled this so well and I just keep telling her how proud I am of her. The first night I talked and cuddled her through the little bit before bed and just kept telling her how much I love her and how proud I am of her and she kept giving me little hugs and kisses and at one point signed "I love you" to me. Precious moments for sure. Of course I have also been in tears as I watch her grow up much too quickly and burst with pride in the little girl that she is!

Next step, the soother. She only has it when she sleeps and I am not in a rush to get rid of it as she needs to fully get used to not having a bottle. All in good time.

Here is our precious, brave, beautiful little girl...

Giving Thanks

This past weekend was our Canadian Thanksgiving. We had lots of family time, lots of food, so many things to be thankful for. I thought I would take the time to sit and blog about a few of the things I am most thankful for.

I am thankful for my Chad. My best friend, confidante, hero, supporter. He tells me all the time that I am weird but he loves me anyways. :) He loves me for who I am and in spite of who I am. I never cease to be amazed at how God so perfectly matched us and knew just what and who we would need. How He answered my every prayer and hope and dream above and beyond what I ever could have imagined. It is so beautiful and brings such a feeling of security to know that us being together is good, a God-ordained and orchestrated thing. I love being loved by Chad and loving him in return and am so incredibly blessed because of it.

I am thankful for my Emma. She is the very tangible evidence of the reason why I had such a desire from a very young age to adopt. God was preparing my heart from the time I was a young girl to welcome and love my Emma. I am quite certain she is a gift directly from God's heart to ours.

I am thankful for my home, for having more than enough, for my Finlay, for waking up each day knowing that God is in the day and no matter what happens He is with me. I am thankful for health and for knowing that the older I am getting the healthier I am actually getting as I learn new things and find doctors who truly care and as I take care of myself. I am thankful for seasons changing and old things dying away so that new can come again. I am thankful for my in-laws and how they so willingly welcomed me into the family and how they have also welcomed Emma and how we know they are there for us whenever we need them and in whatever way they can help.

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for parents who have stuck it out even when at times I am certain one or both of them wanted to pack it in. I am thankful that they have always been there for me. I am thankful that they aren't perfect but are willing to let me see that and to help me learn from their mistakes. I am thankful for the legacy of faith and family that is being passed down from generation to generation in the families of those of us who believe and hold fast to the truth and to all God has done and all that God is. I am thankful that in this day and age of so many families being torn apart and not speaking to each other that yesterday my whole family gathered together to share a meal and laughter and love and to just enjoy being a family.

My sister-in-law said something yesterday as we were going around the table saying what we are thankful for that was one simple word but spoke volumes. She was thankful for salvation. Oh yes! Without that I know for sure we wouldn't have been gathered together yesterday. We wouldn't know the joy and love that comes from being part of a family that will stick together. More than that though we wouldn't know what it is like to walk this earth never alone. To know that no matter what our future holds we are safe in His hands. To know that when our time on earth is done we will see the Lord face to face and finally, finally be able to truly worship and adore Him in a way that our heart's don't totally understand but long for.

This Thanksgiving more than anything I am just thankful. Pure and simple. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Adoption Profile

I thought I would do something a little different this time around. I thought that I would share our adoption profile with you. When you go on the waiting list you are required to create an adoption profile or birthparent letter as it is otherwise known. It is kind of like a photo album or scrapbook for the birthmom to look at. It should have lots of photos and info about you and your family but a large part of it is a letter to the birthmom introducing yourselves and talking about your dreams for your family. It is a hard thing to do as you don't want to come across as asking her for her baby or making her feel pressured. It was tough to write as I tried putting myself in her shoes. Never could I ask someone to give me their baby and so instead I talked about how much we respected her decision to adopt and that we would be praying for her. I ended up kind of making the whole thing one long letter. I was able to use our last profile and just add in information on Emma and update some photos and do some tweaking here and there.

How this all works is the birthmom is counselled and in a way comes up with a list of what she is looking for in the family that she would like to be matched with. The agency then looks through the list of people waiting and chooses the ones that most closely match that list. They start with the top 10 then the top 20 and so on until they find 6 or so that are similar to the birthmom's list and then they give her those 6 profiles to look through and choose a family from. If none of those work they keep working their way down the list. That is why we never have any idea how long we will be waiting. 

I am attempting to upload a PDF link for you to look at as I can't seem to get it to work any other way. If this doesn't work I apologize and I will continue to try until something does! It may seem like something personal to be sharing but I wanted to share it with the couples who were our references as well as those of you who have wondered exactly how the process works. At least I'm not sharing our home study with you. THAT would be too much information!

For those of you who do want to read through the adoption profile just click on the link below. That should take you to another webpage where you can click "download" and then "download anyway". Don't worry, it's all safe! I tried it myself and it downloaded the PDF. 

Birthparent Letter

Seasons

I love fall. I love the leaves turning color and the crisp air and sweaters and tea and just everything about it. I could never live in a country that doesn't have seasons. Yes, there are many days during the winter here in Northern Alberta where I could do without the cold and snow but I also know that I would miss it. I love anticipating the changing of the seasons and wondering what each new season will hold and seeing the birds come and go and the flowers grow and bloom only to tuck away again for the winter. I love new life in spring and lush green in summer. I love waking up to a snow covered wonderland when it is so quiet you can almost hear the snow falling. I love that in our lives there are seasons and change and that God is with us through each season and preparing us for each change.

I feel like we are entering a new season in our family. We are waiting for our next child, learning to be parents and watching in amazement as Emma grows from a baby to a toddler, knowing that in just a few years we will getting ready to start school with her (I am excited about that!) and making decisions as to which homeschool association to register with and which books to use. She and I are getting ready to settle into a routine this fall filled with music lessons and swimming lessons and hopefully some story times at the library. Not to mention just every day life stuff as she is my little shadow and helper and loves to learn what Momma is doing and why and how she can help. She is talking more with both voice and sign and I am quickly losing sight of the baby in her but loving this stage of her life.

We are also entering a new and different season as we are no longer attending the church we went to for almost 3 years. We are not currently attending anywhere and I am not sure when or where we will be, at least for a while. I find myself in a season that I haven't been in for a while. A season of being quiet and wanting it to be that way and waiting and listening. After 3 years of giving and feeding others without really being fed in return I find myself craving quiet and wanting to read more and listen to worship music. I find myself feeling better about my relatonship with God than I have for a while and feeling more at peace. It's a good place to be and yet one that I know many people would disagree with and I have already had the "forsake not the assembling of yourselves" verse quoted to me. I think sometimes people can take that verse and use it to judge others or try to guilt others or try encourage others in a direction that maybe isn't needed right now. Does that verse always mean "church" or can it mean having good fellowship with one other person and talking about God and encouraging each other? Can it be sitting as a family and reading Bible stories or having a conversation on the phone with someone you have never even met yet and discovering you have a similar desire in how you want to worship and learn about God? Anyone can go to church but does that mean they are "assembling"? I could go to church but be stagnant in my walk with God and never really give of myself and no one would never know. I crave fellowship. I crave sitting and having a good conversation about who God is and what He has done and what we have learned and are learning and challenging each other and encouraging each other. That is the assembling that I long for and am hoping to find. We will probably at some point end up back at a church but we don't want it to be because that's what everyone expects or thinks we should do and we don't want it to be because of the programs the church does or doesn't have or the social groups that the church does or doesn't have. We want it to be because we know that's where God wants us and needs us.

I have had some old songs come to mind recently. I find that the newer praise and worship songs sing so much about what God can do for us instead of what we need to do or the reverence that is due Him. I have been enjoying the songs that have been coming back into my heart and thought I would share two of them. The first one has had me in tears a little bit as I think about what it really means and how I long for what the words say...

"Awaken my heart to love and adore you Oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to bow down before you oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to know Your love and to love You in return
Freely flowing from an awakened heart."

And this one...

"Let all those that seek Thee rejoice and be glad in Thee, in Thee oh Lord
And let such as love Thy salvation say continually, continually.
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be maginified
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be magnified!"

I don't know that this next season of our life holds. All I know is that I have a feeling of anticipation for what God is going to do and I am so thankful that He is with us all the way and that as we hold fast He leads and guides and renews and brings life and sets us free. May our hearts be open for what this next season holds and may we never forget who the Creator of those seasons is.

Ready. Set. Wait!

As of today we are officially on the active waiting list! We are starting out at #69 this time but there are 9 couples on hold ahead of us as a number of them have found out they are expecting, some have been matched, etc. So in a way we are more like #63ish. Feels good to have gotten to this point and now we just have to wait. It kind of feels surreal to be starting all over again and we so hope that Emma and the new addition won't be many years apart. We know though that God's plan is best and as He has done before He will do again in blessing us with the baby He knows needs to be with us and who we need.

I started having thoughts today like how do you prepare a toddler for a new baby when you have no idea when that baby will be coming? I guess we will just do what we can and pray that God prepares Emma's heart to share her Daddy and Momma and Finlay and everything else. She is a very kind-hearted little girl who loves to share and make sure everyone is included so we will just have to hope it stays that way and extends to her new sibling when the time comes. That God would begin to fill her heart with love for this new little one.

I have such mixed feelings with going back on the list. I am excited and so ready to welcome another baby but I still struggle at times with our "unexplained infertility" as it is hard for me to understand why I would be given such a desire at such a young age to be a mommy only to have what comes so naturally to so many women taken away from me and in essence have a long-loved and anticipated dream die. There are still tears shed at times and I know that it isn't something that will ever go away. That longing to know what it's like to carry a baby and meet someone who is a result of Chad's and my love for each other. To never know what a mixture of Chad and I would look like or the personality they would have and to not be able to present my husband with his bio child breaks my heart and I have to not think about it or I just cry. I had something come to mind the other day though that helped a little and I know it was God reminding me to strengthen me. Many years ago there was a prophecy given over me that I have seen fulfilled in various ways over the years. The part of the prophecy that I remember is where it was said that the little children would be brought to me and I would have the bread to feed them. I have seen that in the work I have done with youth at camp and with youth group and especially with my girls' group in 'feeding' them the bread of Life, but I wonder how much of that was God in a way preparing me to be an adoptive mom. He is bringing these little children into my life to feed, both physically and spiritually. There is a reason why He is filling our home with little ones who need a home. It doesn't necessarily make the hurt or longing less but it does make me more eager to meet my new baby and to hear their story and to see God once again make something beautiful in His time.

Will you pray for us as we wait? Pray that God would have His will and way and that as we wait we would fall in love with our new baby. Pray that God would prepare all of us and that when the time comes our new little one would fit in as though they have always been here. Pray as God leads.
Thank you.

Actively waiting...

Almost There

Today we had our repeat/update home study with Sheila, the same social worker who facilitated Emma's adoption. It was nice to see her again and for her to be able to see Emma and see how well she is doing and get all caught up on everything. We are now one step closer to being on the active waiting list. Sheila is taking two well-deserved weeks of vacation and once she is back she will do up the paperwork and then we should be on the list. The list is longer this time than it was when we went on it to wait for Emma but as we have seen God's timing is perfect and our wait will be exactly as long as He knows is best. I know it will be easier to wait this time with Emma keeping us so busy and our lives and hours being filled up with her.

Just before Sheila got here today I was sitting on the floor playing with Emma when I took a deep breath and said "I can't believe we are doing this again". It really hit home today in a way that it hasn't yet. I have gotten emotional about it for the first time today. I am excited and anxious and curious and hopeful and just wanting to know who this next amazing little person is that God is going to bring into our family. What a day that will be! I am so looking forward to being a Momma two times over and to seeing Emma take on the role of big sister. Excited for what God has in store for our family!

Emma is doing things in leaps and bounds these days. Her sign language vocabulary is growing and she is beginning to talk as well. I love walking into her bedroom and seeing her face light up with a smile as she reaches for me and says "Up!". She gets us laughing so often and loves to give hugs and kisses. She keeps me running all day long but it is so worth it!

Just because she is pretty much the sweetest and cutest little thing ever here is a photo of the big sister to be...

Don't Blink!

One year! A whole year has gone by already and our precious little Emma is one year old today! I cannot believe how quickly it has gone by! Seems like just yesterday we were taking the first steps towards adoption and now here we are with a little girl who is very quickly going from baby to toddler.

We had a busy weekend! Family photoshoot on Saturday with Grace Atkinson and then on Sunday we had a birthday party where Emma was once again spoiled and loved. I don't have lots to say beyond just being more and more thankful every day for our little bit of sunshine and very much looking forward to what the years ahead hold. She is a joy, pure and simple.

Here are photos for those of you who aren't on Facebook. I won't post all of them because there are way too many but I wanted to share our Emma and her first birthday with you. We had fun making decorations and Chad especially did an amazing job on the sign!

Let's Start at the Very Beginning - A Very Good Place to Start

Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Hopeful. Curious. Wondering. Trusting.

Yesterday Emma and I ran a very special errand. We went to the post office and mailed in our application for adoption to ABC! What a strange feeling that was! To be holding one amazing answer to prayer and to be submitting another request at the same time. We most likely won't be on the waiting list until fall as we have to jump through all the same hoops before that can happen but at least the ball is rolling and we have taken the first step. I would think the waiting would be easier this time with Emma filling our hearts and lives but I know I will still be praying lots and wondering and hoping and trusting, always trusting. We have seen that God definitely knows what He is doing in all of this and I am excited to see and to meet the next part of His plan. Although I will admit that our little Emma is such a special little girl I wonder how our next child and adoptive situation could ever match up.

I have been thinking about adoption alot lately and have realized how much my viewpoint has changed. I always thought it would be great to adopt, have wanted to adopt since I was very young. I liked the thought of giving an 'unwanted' child a good home and giving them the love they deserved. What I never could have anticipated is what I would receive through it all. I actually find myself almost feeling sorry people who have not experienced this beautiful gift. What a wonderful feeling to realize that you have been specifically chosen to raise a child who otherwise may not have had a loved filled life. To love with a love that grows day by day until you feel like your heart could burst. To know that God created that little one just for your family and that He had to orchestrate and weave every situation just so to make sure that baby ended up in your arms and heart. I honestly tend to forget most of the time that I didn't carry Emma and didn't give birth to her. She is so much a part of me and I of her that it is as if I did carry her and knew her all those months before she came into the world. I love watching her and discovering the little person she is. There is no saying "she gets that from her daddy" or "she must take after your side" because to us she is just uniquely Emma. Yes there are similarities as there will be from being raised by us and being in this environment but I love that Emma is just Emma. A beautiful little girl filled with so much love who loves to share and giggle and get into trouble and climb and dance and make others laugh.

I am looking forward to our next unique little one. Looking forward to seeing who God is going to bless us with this time and how and when. As I sit and write this my arms ache to hold that baby and to introduce them to their amazing big sister.

Would you join with us again as we wait and pray?

Hope Springs Eternal

I am so thankful that I don't need to understand God and what He does in order to trust that He knows what He is doing. I am so thankful that in His way and in His time He makes all things beautiful. I am so thankful that He knows the journey each of us is going to take and that He has promised to be with us every step of the way. I am so thankful that even when we don't understand and when we grieve and shed tears that God is still sovereign. It doesn't mean I don't at times ask questions though. Like today...

Last night a precious little girl went home to be with Jesus after literally fighting for her life since before she was even born. Little Hope was born with half of a heart and last night, after a long battle, many surgeries and basically living in a hospital, her exhausted body went to sleep, she is now with Jesus and her heart is whole. I never had the privilege of meeting this sweet girl but followed her story through her Mom's blog. An open and honest blog of what it was like to travel this road, the good, the bad and the ugly. Hope lived until she was 13 months old and many hearts and lives were touched by this little girl and the amazing testimony and witness that her parents and extended family are. As I hold my own sweet baby close I can't help but ache and cry for Hope's parents and the loss they must be feeling. Yes, the last year has been harder than they were probably expecting but to have your precious baby taken from you must be so devastating. How thankful I am that they serve the Lord and that with His strength they will be able to deal with this next part of the journey.

This weekend we also heard that my friend Lara's husband Bruce, who was in the hospital a couple of months ago fighting for his life, this Sunday walked into church healthier than many 20 year olds! The miracles God has wrought in his physical body are absolutely stunning and the testimony has reached the world over to touch people and change lives.

This is where my questions come in...why did God choose to take Hope but heal Bruce? Why must one family grieve while the other rejoices? They both had thousands of people praying for them, interceding on their behalf.

I don't have answers, but you know what? I am okay with that. I learned a long time ago to put my trust in God. To not try and figure out what and why He does things the way He does. To not question or seek with my feeble earth-bound mind for answers that I may never understand anyways. There is a reason for all of this and we may never get to find out what that is but the truth of the matter is - God knows what He is doing. He knows the answers to all of the questions and why things have to happen the way they do. I am so thankful that I don't have to figure it out because I would exhaust myself trying to do so and I would be frustrated beyond words.

This I do know...God did heal Hope. He healed her in the way that He saw fit, the way that He knows will have more of an impact on people, the way that He knew was best for Hope and for her family. Hope has a whole heart now. A whole beautiful heart that is beating for joy to be in the presence of Jesus. She doesn't have any more tubes or wires or needles or medications. She is no longer in pain or sad or uncomfortable. She is whole, perfect, blameless, beautiful, healed.

One day I hope that Bruce and Hope are able to meet and swap stories. To share with each other all that God did through their stories, which to us seem to be so opposite but in God's eyes are exactly how He knew they would turn out.

As we rejoice with Bruce and Lara in the amazing, miraculous things that God has done and is doing through their story let us also remember to pray for Hope's parents Shawn and Amy and her big sister Sadie. They are starting out on a new journey now, with a part of them missing. May God be their strength and their comfort and may they one day be able to rejoice again and may God turn their mourning into dancing.

I am so thankful that hope springs eternal...


If any of you would like to know more of Hope's story here is the link to Amy's blog:

www.mendingheartsandbendingknees.blogspot.com

Celebration and Thanksgiving

What a busy weekend! We started it out by giving Chad his gifts for his 40th birthday and eating cinnamon buns which he very much likes. Then it was on to the big party for the day! We were having a whole bunch of people over to celebrate Emma finally being a Sakaluk. Our house was full of people who have loved and supported us and welcomed Emma with open hearts and loving arms. We had lots of food and two cakes, one for Emma and one for Chad, and presents and lots of visiting. Emma was exhausted but she handled it so well! She seems to be trying to catch up on some sleep this morning which is good! The next day we went for brunch with a few friends and our parents for Chad's birthday. Too much food again! Finally we came home and crashed for a while. It was a weekend full of celebration that also put me in a reflective mood as I thought about all I have to be thankful for. 

One of the things I find myself extremely thankful for right now is my brothers. I find myself so hoping that Emma is blessed to have a brother. Growing up I had so many people who didn't have older brothers tell me how lucky I was to have a big brother. I always just agreed with them. :) I am pretty sure I have the most amazing big brother there is! I have always felt so safe and secure and loved when he is around. Like he has my back and I could go to him for anything. I am so proud of the man that he is and all that he has accomplished in his career and with his family. What I am most proud of though is his heart. He has a heart of gold. A loving, tender heart. Strong and silent, a gentle giant. He is a man of integrity and character who loves his family fiercely and who would do anything for them. It is one thing for me to say that I could trust him with my life, quite another thing to say that I could trust him with Emma's. I could, absolutely. I am sad that Emma will never know the joy and love and security of having an amazing big brother like mine but so thankful that she gets to call my big brother Uncle and know what it is to be loved and protected by him. I love you Lindon, more than words could ever say.

I have also been blessed with a baby brother. One that I protected and took care of while we were growing up but who I now feel protected and cared for by. Another man of integrity and character who loves his family fiercely. Another man whom I would trust with Emma's life. Another brother whom I love more than words could ever say. Perhaps God will one day bless Emma with a baby brother and she will be able to experience the joy and love that exists in that relationship. That is my hope right now.  I am truly a blessed little and big sister and will always be so proud of my brothers and the men they have become. 

I think about having a boy and how incredibly blessed that little boy would be. In this day and age there are so many little boys who don't have a positive male influence in their lives at all. In our family there is no shortage of strong, positive, loving male influences and that is such a blessing! I can see the heritage and legacy of those influences in my husband and in my brothers and I pray that one day that can be carried on in our family. Of course if God decides to bless us with another little girl I absolutely won't complain and will welcome her with joy and awe. I am just kinda hoping for snakes and snails and puppy dog tails!

For those of you who weren't at the party this weekend I thought I would include something that I wrote and read on behalf of Chad and myself, as well as some photos of the day. What a wonderful day it was. A day to celebrate the two most special and amazing people in my life. A day to celebrate answers to pray and God's goodness. There was a butterfly theme for the party which had huge signifance for me and this will explain why...

"First of all we want to thank you all for coming. So many of you have walked with us on this journey, praying for us and supporting us and it means so much that you would come here today to celebrate. As we gear up to once again do what is necessary to get on the waiting list and actively wait we trust that we can count on your continued support.

You may have noticed that there is a butterfly theme going on. There is a twofold reason for that. Firstly it is such a good representation of our journey to get here today. Just as a caterpillar has to yield and wait, not knowing what the future has in store, to one day emerge as a beautiful butterfly, so we had to yield and wait and wait and wait, and cocoon ourselves within the promise of God that He would one day add to our family, not knowing that what would emerge as we yielded and waited and left it in His hands would be something and someone more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. The other reason is Emma herself. Just as a caterpillar leaves behind the old life and emerges with a new more beautiful one Emma has been blessed to be able to leave behind a future that may not have been so beautiful or free to live what we hope and pray is a life filled with abundant love, security and happiness. We know that there will be a time or times when she has questions and that the older she gets the more she will understand and the deeper the questions will be. We pray that when those times come we will have the words to say that will bring her peace and give her answers and remind her again of all that God has done and how very much she is loved not just by us but by all who know her and have welcomed her with loving hearts. Of course it goes without saying that to us Emma is the most beautiful and precious gift that ever was and we will forever be so thankful to God for all He has done. 

One of our main reasons for having this party today, besides celebrating that Emma is finally a Sakaluk, is that while some churches practice baby baptism and some churches practice child dedications we personally feel that neither is necessary and that because our situation was different and special we would do something different and special. We still want to acknowledge before our family and friends all that God has done and the precious gift that Emma is. We have asked my brother Mark if he would pray over Emma. Chad and I both have so much admiration and respect for Mark and Beth as a couple and for the way they are raising their children. They are such a true and genuine example of what it means to love and respect each other and to keep Christ as the centre of your marriage and of your family. They have walked with us on this journey from beginning to end, being there for us and crying with us and praying for us in the tough times and rejoicing with us and still praying for us in the good times. It is so important to us that Emma be prayed for by someone who doesn’t just talk the talk but who walks it out and lives it. Someone that we know is going to have an amazing and steady influence on her life. Although I know from growing up with him that Mark isn’t perfect he has proven himself time and again to be a man of God and a man of integrity. How special for Emma to have her Uncle Mark pray for her."