Funny Guy

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. It started with me trying to decide if I wanted to send a resume in for a full time job. I wrestled with it for quite some time and talked with Chad about it and wrestled some more. So many pros and cons. I finally decided that it didn't hurt to  send it in and then just see what happened, see what God might have in store. So I did and by last night I had my answer. There was a certain company policy that got in the way all having to do with family members working together. So the answer was no and I was actually disappointed and wondered why it had all happened because I knew there was a really good chance I would get the job and I was actually starting to feel excited about it. I knew the answer right away of course and it was this.....


In sending in my resume I was giving control over to God. There were so many arguments I had for either side of sending it or not sending it. Just sending it in and leaving it in God's hands was really hard for me because I knew that if I got the job there would be many things changing around here and I didn't really like the thought of that. I am not a controlling person but I like to have a plan and to know what's going on and what the next step is going to be and what is expected of me and have a really hard time making big decisions without really knowing what the outcome and consequences will be. And so that is why I wrestled for a little while and why it was hard for me to just send it off and leave it. 


I think it was a test. 


In all that is going on with our adopting there is definitely not much control on our side and that is hard for me too. I am learning though to just take it all one step at a time and to trust that God is taking care of it and that His timing is perfect and that He will lead and guide and that really all things work together when He is in control. So I have been trying and learning and after all of this happened with the job I really felt like I had been tested and I can only hope that I passed.


I told Chad that I felt like I had been tested, that God was testing me to see if I would give up control. Chad just chuckled and said "Funny Guy". 


Yep.

Wait by Russel Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...

and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate 

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign. 

Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, 

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate 

as my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. 

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. 

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; 

you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me 

when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love

when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT."

Creating a Profile

We are now in the phase of the adoption process that involves us having to make a profile of ourselves. It is called a "Dear Birthparent Letter" and includes a letter or short summary of our growing up years and how we met and what our lives are like now and how involved we are with family and it also includes pictures. I have done a rough copy of my part of it and the main part and Chad has his part to do still. It's not easy. What do you say to a girl who could potentially be choosing you to be the parents of the child she is carrying? My heart breaks when I think of the grief she will have to go through in order for us to become parents. In this letter we aren't supposed to sound desperate or squeaky clean or so perfect we are boring. I found some examples online and used one as a general guideline. I was surprised at some things that I put in the letter. Is she going to care that I fed chickadees out of my hand? What she will think when she knows I was homeschooled? Did she go to camp when she was younger and have a counsellor like me?


We were told at the seminar we went to that they are never able to predict what makes a birthmom choose the couple she chooses. They said it could be something as simple as the fact that Chad and I both wear glasses or something as significant as the fact that we are both very close to our families and spend alot of time with them and so the baby will be surrounded by love on all sides. And so I just let me fingers and my heart do the talking. Keep it short but informative, realistic but fun, hopeful and not desperate. We were told to not even infer that we want to be chosen and I honestly could never do that. I could never put something in the letter that says 'pick me! pick me!'. Just knowing that this girl is going to experience pain and grief like she may never have before and hopefully never will again. I want to be chosen not because we asked her to choose but because when she sees our photos and reads our stories in her heart of hearts she just knows we are the ones. Perhaps in the knowing she will be able to find some comfort. Just knowing that her baby will be safe and loved and given the best life we can possibly provide. Just knowing that we have a faith in God and that we will be praying for her. Just knowing that the baby will be loved and spoiled by so many people. Just knowing.


And so we will continue working on our profile. Trusting that God will guide our thoughts and even our choosing of the photos that we include. Trusting that what we put in there will be exactly what the birthmom is looking and that we will all just know it's right and that it was meant to be.

Find You Waiting

I've heard the angels, and I've seen the devil
Fought with a lion, sent through the fire
I've been in the valley when it was dry
Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher, and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold on to
I am Yours, and Lord, You are mine.

Through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just wanna feel Your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find You waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow
And still raise her hands in the midst of it all
And, Lord, I'm reminded of when I was weary
You carried me, yes, You carried me

Through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just wanna feel Your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find You waiting there

And in the midst of a struggle
There is one thing I know
You'll never leave me, You'll never let go

I've heard the angels, and I've seen the devil
Fought with a lion, sent straight through that fire

Through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just wanna feel Your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find You waiting
Lord, I find you waiting there for me.


Decemberadio




I hear this song on the radio quite often and each time it just makes me so thankful for all that God has done and the fact that He is always there waiting for me, in the good times and in the bad. What a good, faithful God He is!

Psalm 30

I was in the kitchen making breakfast this morning and realized at one point that I had a song going through my head. It is an old song, one that I haven't heard or sung in a very long time. It is also a passage from Psalm 30.


Thou hast turned my mourning into dancing for me;
  Thou hast put off my sackcloth;
Thou hast turned my mourning into dancing for me,
  And girded me with gladness;
To the end my glory may sing praise unto Thee,
  And not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto Thee forever.


A very nice way to start my day and such an excellent reminder of all that God has done and all I have to be thankful for. My prayer is that others will see the dancing, the gladness, hear the singing, see the thankfulness and will wonder what my story is. 

Next Project

Inventory is over! It all went well and I am so hoping that we won't have to do it again this year. So now it's on to the next project...

Cleansing. I started a cleanse today. It is a 7 day cleanse.  I have not been feeling 100% and know from some of my symptoms that it is time to do a cleanse. I also haven't really done anything like that since doing a fertility treatment last summer or having my surgery in November so I thought it would be a good idea to clean all the residue from the chemicals out of my system. I have done cleanses before but this one will be different because Chad is doing it with me! He will be one day behind as I started mine today and we just went and bought his kit today so he will start tomorrow. So it will be an interesting week. Hopefully our side effects won't be too bad and we will still be able to function or it could be a really long week! The first few days will be the hardest because usually you feel worse before you feel better but by the end of the week we should be feeling all cleaned up inside and ready for spring. And I am definitely looking forward to that!

Inventory

We have been getting ready for inventory at the store for the last few weeks. It looks like we are finally ready for it and I am so glad because the other night I was dreaming about inventory, checking items for skus, making lists etc. It has been so exhausting mentally and physically and all of us will be so happy when it is over. I have been getting a few extra hours which is nice but my feet ache, my body is tired and my brain hurts! There is going to be an auditor there as well and with him a student so you know he will be even pickier and more thorough than if it was just him. How thankful I am to not be the manager! I just go in and do what is asked of me and then leave it there when I come home. So much preparation for a few hours of counting! Here's hoping we don't have to do it again this year! Here's looking forward to no more list writing or ticket printing! Here's to dreams full of happy thoughts instead of work!

Nothing insightful in this post. Too tired and brain-dead!

He Will Do What Is Right

"Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right." 
— Max Lucado (He Still Moves Stones)


I think you will quickly catch on as you read through my blogs that I am a huge fan of quotes. Sometimes people say things, whether in print or in a sermon or discussion or on a movie, that just grab my attention and in some ways speaks what my heart is thinking but that I am not quite sure how to express. The above quote is one of those. (Max Lucado is an excellent author by the way!)


I know there are people who are surprised with how well Chad and I are handling the infertility/adoption journey that we are on. Of course most people don't see the days and moments of struggling and tears because we are fairly private people and don't really share lots. Not for any specific reason although I think the fact that we are both middle children who have that need to fix things for other people and care for them has something to do with it. We are the fixers and don't like to bother other people with our struggles. It hasn't all been hard though and that is because we so firmly believe that the Lord knows what He is doing and that in the end our story will be one of God's faithfulness and love and perfect timing. I have been thinking lately how when I was younger all my friends were getting married and I felt left behind and forgotten by God. Now all those friends have started families and once again I am left behind. The difference this time though is that I have my Chad story to fall back on. God's perfect timing in bringing us together, how perfect we are for each other, how we are both so thankful for all God has done and how we wouldn't change a thing. What a wonderful way to count my blessings and to be reminded that God DOES care and even though He may not answer when and where and how we want Him to when He does answer the timing, the setting, the baby, the situation, everything will be perfect for where we are in our lives and for what He wants to do. We know there could be tough decisions ahead and weeks or months or even years of waiting but God has proven Himself time and time again to be faithful and so we wait with expectant anticipation for this next chapter in our lives to unfold, knowing that God is the author and finisher and that because He is writing the story and painting the picture every word, every color, every brushstroke, will bring glory to Him.


So when you are feeling downtrodden, questioning if God cares or if He has forgotten, remember that while He may not do what you want, He will do what is right, and in that there is security and confidence and peace and laughter and joy.