Weep Forward

I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that everything happens for a reason whether we ever see or understand what that reason may be. I had a week of that last week. Actually, I think it's been building over the last few weeks and just came to a head this last week and weekend. Let me explain...

I have really been struggling with not being able to get pregnant. Emma is older and we are on the waiting list and I will welcome any baby whom God sends our way but in a way I think I have been grieving not being able to get pregnant and experiencing what it is like and not being able to go through that journey with Chad or have Emma share in that excitement and preparation. It's been a long time since I have sat and cried it out and prayed it out and I knew exactly why I haven't and so was avoiding it, but this last week God, as He so often does, hit me right between the eyes with it and I wasn't able to ignore it any longer. A dear friend of mine who has been traveling the same journey of infertility and adoption told me that she is expecting. Let me first of all say that I am so happy for her and excited about who this little one is going to be but I did take the news really hard. This friend understands though and was very gracious about it and we were able to talk about it a little bit because she has been in my place so many times herself. At the place I was in on the day I received the news I will admit that I had a good long cry and how I have really been feeling came out. I have been angry with God, not understanding why the only thing my heart truly longs for isn't happening. I have been avoiding praying about it all and dealing with it because I knew that's how I was feeling and I didn't want to face it or talk about it. Hard to ignore when it hits you in the heart. I let everything I was feeling come out and said it all and didn't pull any punches or avoid anything. On this side of the news I see it as a blessing. As what I needed to get real about it all. Doesn't mean I'm not still dealing with those feelings it just means I finally verbalized them and now can work through it. I call this my silent grief but am learning I can't let it be silent always or my heart will burst. The next day I saw this quote on Facebook...

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Coincidence? I don't think so. I once hoped to be a wife. I am now married to an incredible man who loves me and takes care of me and is the best friend I have ever had. I once hoped to be a Mommy. I am now Mommy to the most amazing little girl who fills my heart and home with joy and giggles and hugs.

I was invited to a women's conference at one of the churches here in the city. It was going to be Friday evening and Saturday morning. At first I said that I would go for the Saturday morning but not the Friday but after all this happened I really felt like I needed to be there for the whole thing. Here is where a number of other "coincidences" happened or as I like to think of it, here is where God confirmed my decision in more ways than one...

As I left on Friday to go to the church I turned west. The sun was setting and there were clouds in the sky and there right in front of me was what looked like a pillar of cloud. Now I know we don't know for sure what the pillar looked like that God gave to the Israelites to follow but it truly looked like a pillar of cloud. You might be thinking this is corny but God has spoken to me through nature for as long as I can remember and I don't take things such as this lightly. Like the rainbows I saw after I took the job at the business where I met Chad. There was not one but two rainbows and I just knew in my heart that I was supposed to be there. So on I drove to the church. Now you have to know that I am not the biggest fan of women's conferences. I have been to some where it ended up being a weekend of frivolity and shallowness and so I didn't know what to expect. I had never heard of the speaker and all I knew was that the theme of the weekend was "Leaving a Legacy of Love". Well, the service starts, I enjoy the time of praise and worship and then the speaker, Kelly Minter, gets up and begins to speak on the book of Ruth! That has always been my favourite book and story in the Bible. Coincidence? Definitely not! And thus began a study of the book of Ruth from a different perspective than I have heard before and one that spoke to me in so many ways. I took notes but will just share what stood out to me.

On the Friday night she only worked through chapter 1 where Naomi loses her husband and sons and Naomi, Orpah and Ruth start heading back to Bethlehem. She shared on how the three women handled the situation differently. Orpah turned and went back where she was comfortable instead of walking ahead because she thought it would be too hard. Naomi, in bitterness of heart, walked forward weeping. Ruth, in hope, walked forward also weeping. What struck me were two words she said. She talked about how we need to "weep forward". Orpah wept backwards. She chose to stay where she was comfortable, where it would be easier, although not necessarily life giving or growth encouraging. Naomi may have been full of bitterness but still she wept while she was walking forward, back to the country of the God of Israel. Ruth also wept while she was walking forward, not knowing where the path was going to lead or what she would encounter but she still wept forward. It made me stop and think about my times of trial and whether or not I choose to weep forward or to stay where I am. I think I can fairly confidently say that I have always chosen to weep forward. At times I may have been like Naomi, bitter and broken, and at other times I may have been like Ruth, unsure but hopeful. But I have always chosen to weep forward. To walk towards the heart of God rather than stay where I am. I know without a doubt that I would not be where I am today if I hadn't chosen that.

Saturday morning of the conference was also good. It was broken into two different sessions. The first session was mostly about Boaz and while I enjoyed it and got lots out of it the first and third sessions were the reasons I was supposed to be there. The third session was about the kinsmen redeemer. I am not sure why but those words "kinsmen redeemer" when used in reference to Jesus have always made my heart leap. Perhaps because it speaks of a more intimate relationship, perhaps because it is more of a knight in shining armor rescue type thing. I don't know, but I have always loved hearing Christ referred to as my kinsmen redeemer. What really struck me in that session though were how things turned out in the end. As we know, Boaz married Ruth and they were blessed with a baby and from that baby came the father of King David and from that lineage came Mary the mother of Jesus. The study this weekend though focused more on Naomi. On her loss and her bitterness and her walking forwards even when in pain and then at the end of the book this...God not only blessed Naomi but He did the thing she was so scared He wouldn't do, He carried on her name, her lineage, her legacy. It seemed as though He had taken everything away, her hubsand, her sons, her hopes and dreams of a legacy, but because she wept forwards, walking back into the land of the God of Israel, He blessed her. God saw her bitterness, He saw how much she hurt, but because she chose to walk forward He worked and moved to bring about something that she probably only dreamed of and dared to hope for.

I am so thankful that when we are angry or sad or disappointed or hurt that God doesn't just leave us there but that when we choose to weep forward He draws and woos and works and blesses us. Doesn't mean the road is easy. Doesn't mean we don't still have to work on our attitudes and emotions and ask forgiveness. It does mean though that He is faithful and that when it feels like (as it has felt for me lately) God has taken away your hopes and dreams and prayers and deepest desires it just means that He has something else in store and while in the present you may hurt or be angry or not understand there will come a day when you will look back and realize that God truly met you on that road as you were weeping forward.

I don't believe in coincidences. I believe I was supposed to be at that conference this weekend. I believe that God met me there and spoke directly to me. I believe that He knows best. I believe that He understands my feelings and emotions and isn't offended if I am angry at Him. I believe He forgives when I ask for His forgiveness. I believe He meets me when I choose to weep forward.

Kelly ended the conference with this song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4bAca9GCmo

To learn more about Kelly Minter and her ministry go to www.kellyminter.com

May I always choose to weep forward.

Where's Thanksgiving?!

Thanksgiving is this weekend. We will be having Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws on Sunday and as always I am sure it will be a delicious meal and some nice family time. Of course we should always be thankful for the many blessings in our life but it is good as well to be reminded and to take a day to just be thankful. The problem I am having is this...where is Thanksgiving?!

Every store I walk into right now has Halloween paraphernalia greeting me at the door and aisles of decorations (skeletons, skulls, blood, gore, witches, ghosts, gravestones etc). We were in the dollar store yesterday and they have a whole aisle full of things just for Halloween. And then of course there is all the candy and junk food. Everywhere you look right now there is Halloween. But there is no Thanksgiving. You have to search high and low to find anything that has to do with it. When did the hearts and minds of society change so much that Halloween is foremost in thought and action and money? Why are there not aisles full of decorations and such that remind us to be thankful and to fill our homes and hearts with blessings and family and to be blessings? Why is gore and evil and darkness so prevalent and it seems as though Thanksgiving is just an afterthought, another dinner to get through so the decorating for Halloween can begin? And then there is the whole candy overload and sick children thing that truly makes me shake my head.

I really don't like taking Emma into stores right now. In her innocence she stops and stares in wide eyed wonder at the bloody skulls and glowing eyes and hanging skeletons. No, I don't want to keep her in a bubble but there is so much in this world that at her age she doesn't understand or know how to filter. She is a sensitive little soul. We are very choosy in what we let her watch on tv or with her DVDVs as she calls them because she is easily scared and there are even some kid's ones that I have had to put aside until she is older. How it must affect her little heart and mind to walk into these stores and be assaulted with so much ickiness!

Anyways, just a blog of venting. I will be happy when Halloween is over again for the year and I will admit I will likely take advantage of sales to buy Emma some dress up clothes and buy Chad some candy. I won't, however, be decorating and we won't be handing out candy. We never have and instead have chosen to have a night out or something instead. We will see what happens this year.

For now I am going to be counting my blessings and making a mental list of the things for which I am thankful and I am going to enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner with family. I hope you are able to take time this year to be thankful for all that God has done for you. For your blessings, your family, your friends, your homes, your health, life, love, joy, turkey, mashed potoatoes and pumpkin pie! There is truly always, always something to be thankful for.