As of today we are officially on the active waiting list! We are starting out at #69 this time but there are 9 couples on hold ahead of us as a number of them have found out they are expecting, some have been matched, etc. So in a way we are more like #63ish. Feels good to have gotten to this point and now we just have to wait. It kind of feels surreal to be starting all over again and we so hope that Emma and the new addition won't be many years apart. We know though that God's plan is best and as He has done before He will do again in blessing us with the baby He knows needs to be with us and who we need.
I started having thoughts today like how do you prepare a toddler for a new baby when you have no idea when that baby will be coming? I guess we will just do what we can and pray that God prepares Emma's heart to share her Daddy and Momma and Finlay and everything else. She is a very kind-hearted little girl who loves to share and make sure everyone is included so we will just have to hope it stays that way and extends to her new sibling when the time comes. That God would begin to fill her heart with love for this new little one.
I have such mixed feelings with going back on the list. I am excited and so ready to welcome another baby but I still struggle at times with our "unexplained infertility" as it is hard for me to understand why I would be given such a desire at such a young age to be a mommy only to have what comes so naturally to so many women taken away from me and in essence have a long-loved and anticipated dream die. There are still tears shed at times and I know that it isn't something that will ever go away. That longing to know what it's like to carry a baby and meet someone who is a result of Chad's and my love for each other. To never know what a mixture of Chad and I would look like or the personality they would have and to not be able to present my husband with his bio child breaks my heart and I have to not think about it or I just cry. I had something come to mind the other day though that helped a little and I know it was God reminding me to strengthen me. Many years ago there was a prophecy given over me that I have seen fulfilled in various ways over the years. The part of the prophecy that I remember is where it was said that the little children would be brought to me and I would have the bread to feed them. I have seen that in the work I have done with youth at camp and with youth group and especially with my girls' group in 'feeding' them the bread of Life, but I wonder how much of that was God in a way preparing me to be an adoptive mom. He is bringing these little children into my life to feed, both physically and spiritually. There is a reason why He is filling our home with little ones who need a home. It doesn't necessarily make the hurt or longing less but it does make me more eager to meet my new baby and to hear their story and to see God once again make something beautiful in His time.
Will you pray for us as we wait? Pray that God would have His will and way and that as we wait we would fall in love with our new baby. Pray that God would prepare all of us and that when the time comes our new little one would fit in as though they have always been here. Pray as God leads.
Thank you.
Actively waiting...
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