At the Feet of Jesus

I have come into this new year with different thoughts and goals than I have had any other year. There were always all the usuals like work out more, eat better, spend less etc. But this year those thoughts haven't been there. This year my goals are more realistic, more fulfilling, more eternal, more life changing. This year my heart's cry is to spend more time at the feet of Jesus. I haven't been good at doing that for a very long time now and just as it is true that you can see the fruit of the Spirit in people who spend lots of time with the Lord it is also true that there will be a lack of them in people who don't spend time with the Lord. I see more of the latter in myself lately and it hurts my heart to realize it. I miss Jesus. I miss being at peace. I miss being constantly aware of God by my side.

I remember when I moved to the city and how desperately I missed the meadow that I would walk to whenever I needed time to be with Jesus. My dogs and I would go for a long walk and I am sure if people had been able to watch me they would have thought I was a little off in the head as I would walk along and talk out loud to Jesus as if He were walking right beside me. Which of course He was. How I loved those walks! I was free to laugh and cry and pray and scream and sing and just express everything that was going on in my heart and in my head. When I moved to the city it was so different. I remember my Mom telling me to remember that the meadow wasn't just a physical place but it was in my heart and that it could be wherever I was. I will be honest and tell you that in the 13 years I have been here more often than not I haven't been able to find it. Life is so different here. Not in a bad way but in a way that keeps you busy and entertained and so you have to be more purposeful about taking time away and just being quiet before the Lord even in the midst of the noise. Not something I have been very good at it. With all that has transpired in our lives in the last few years and with bottling so much up I am at the point where if I don't find that meadow again I feel as though I may never find it.

And so the only goal I have for this year is to spend more time in that meadow, at the feet of my sweet Saviour, because I know that in doing that everything else will be more peaceful, more joyful, more beautiful.

I know it will never be exactly how it was but I don't want it to be. Life has happened and with that life has come change. I am so incredibly thankful though that my God never changes and that He is the same yesterday and today and forever! My heart needs work, my attitudes need work, my thoughts need work. I long to be the kind of wife and mother that God has called me to be. I long to be less selfish, more patient, more compassionate, more understanding, more loving, kinder, and I know that I cannot make that happen in and of myself and that it will only come when I spend time with Jesus.

To help me along on this journey I have purchased 3 books that I am going to work my way through...

The one on the left is a Bible but it is laid out in such a way that each day has readings from the Old Testament, Psalms, Proverbs and the New Testament so that by the end of the year I will have read through the whole Bible. The book in the middle is by Francis Chan and his wife Lisa. It may look like it's a book about how to have a great marriage but really it's a book about focusing on God first and foremost. "The way to have a great marriage is by not focusing on marriage". (Now before anyone reads anything into this, my marriage is just fine. There is always room for improvement though right because nobody has the perfect marriage.) The last book is one that when I saw it I knew I had to work through. It is a daily devotional about sitting at the feet of Jesus, 'daily devotions to nurture a Mary heart' as it says on the cover. I used to be such a Mary but have become more of a Martha over the years which I suppose is almost inevitable once you are married and have a family. I need to take more time to be a Mary again. So far that devotional book has hit so many areas in my heart and it is only the middle of January. I look forward to working my way through it.

If you think of me through the year please remember me in prayer. I am absolutely aware that as I start this journey back to the heart of God and who I am in Him that along with that will come obstacles and discouragements and attacks. That is okay though because greater is He that is in me!

When I first started the devotional book this is what I read and it speaks my heart probably better than anything I could write...

Lord Jesus, I give You my life.
I invite You to have Your way in me.
Take me and break me. Shake me and make me.
Fill me and spill me. Change me and rearrange me.
But whatever You do, Lord, don't leave me the same.
Spirit of wisdom and revelation, I welcome Your work.
Open my eyes so I can see...my ears so I can hear...
I choose truth over comfort, challenge over complacency.
Lord, make me forever Yours.
And most of all, make me like You.
        Amen.

This Year?!

I heard from the adoption agency today and I must say that I am feeling rather encouraged and hopeful that perhaps this will be the year that we add to our family. We are quite quickly moving up the list and with this update we are now number 38 on the list with 6 people on hold of us which means we will be at 32 once they come off. Yay!

I have started talking to Emma about how there will be a baby in our house one day. She told me that she will help me feed the baby when the baby's tummy is growling and "I really like babies!". Which is kind of funny to me because she has never been one to play with her dolls. I have the feeling that will all change once a baby is in the house though.

Perhaps this will be a big year in our family! I can't wait to see who our new little person is going to be!

I am so thankful that God's timing is perfect and will wait with hope and trust.