Hope Springs Eternal

I am so thankful that I don't need to understand God and what He does in order to trust that He knows what He is doing. I am so thankful that in His way and in His time He makes all things beautiful. I am so thankful that He knows the journey each of us is going to take and that He has promised to be with us every step of the way. I am so thankful that even when we don't understand and when we grieve and shed tears that God is still sovereign. It doesn't mean I don't at times ask questions though. Like today...

Last night a precious little girl went home to be with Jesus after literally fighting for her life since before she was even born. Little Hope was born with half of a heart and last night, after a long battle, many surgeries and basically living in a hospital, her exhausted body went to sleep, she is now with Jesus and her heart is whole. I never had the privilege of meeting this sweet girl but followed her story through her Mom's blog. An open and honest blog of what it was like to travel this road, the good, the bad and the ugly. Hope lived until she was 13 months old and many hearts and lives were touched by this little girl and the amazing testimony and witness that her parents and extended family are. As I hold my own sweet baby close I can't help but ache and cry for Hope's parents and the loss they must be feeling. Yes, the last year has been harder than they were probably expecting but to have your precious baby taken from you must be so devastating. How thankful I am that they serve the Lord and that with His strength they will be able to deal with this next part of the journey.

This weekend we also heard that my friend Lara's husband Bruce, who was in the hospital a couple of months ago fighting for his life, this Sunday walked into church healthier than many 20 year olds! The miracles God has wrought in his physical body are absolutely stunning and the testimony has reached the world over to touch people and change lives.

This is where my questions come in...why did God choose to take Hope but heal Bruce? Why must one family grieve while the other rejoices? They both had thousands of people praying for them, interceding on their behalf.

I don't have answers, but you know what? I am okay with that. I learned a long time ago to put my trust in God. To not try and figure out what and why He does things the way He does. To not question or seek with my feeble earth-bound mind for answers that I may never understand anyways. There is a reason for all of this and we may never get to find out what that is but the truth of the matter is - God knows what He is doing. He knows the answers to all of the questions and why things have to happen the way they do. I am so thankful that I don't have to figure it out because I would exhaust myself trying to do so and I would be frustrated beyond words.

This I do know...God did heal Hope. He healed her in the way that He saw fit, the way that He knows will have more of an impact on people, the way that He knew was best for Hope and for her family. Hope has a whole heart now. A whole beautiful heart that is beating for joy to be in the presence of Jesus. She doesn't have any more tubes or wires or needles or medications. She is no longer in pain or sad or uncomfortable. She is whole, perfect, blameless, beautiful, healed.

One day I hope that Bruce and Hope are able to meet and swap stories. To share with each other all that God did through their stories, which to us seem to be so opposite but in God's eyes are exactly how He knew they would turn out.

As we rejoice with Bruce and Lara in the amazing, miraculous things that God has done and is doing through their story let us also remember to pray for Hope's parents Shawn and Amy and her big sister Sadie. They are starting out on a new journey now, with a part of them missing. May God be their strength and their comfort and may they one day be able to rejoice again and may God turn their mourning into dancing.

I am so thankful that hope springs eternal...


If any of you would like to know more of Hope's story here is the link to Amy's blog:

www.mendingheartsandbendingknees.blogspot.com

Celebration and Thanksgiving

What a busy weekend! We started it out by giving Chad his gifts for his 40th birthday and eating cinnamon buns which he very much likes. Then it was on to the big party for the day! We were having a whole bunch of people over to celebrate Emma finally being a Sakaluk. Our house was full of people who have loved and supported us and welcomed Emma with open hearts and loving arms. We had lots of food and two cakes, one for Emma and one for Chad, and presents and lots of visiting. Emma was exhausted but she handled it so well! She seems to be trying to catch up on some sleep this morning which is good! The next day we went for brunch with a few friends and our parents for Chad's birthday. Too much food again! Finally we came home and crashed for a while. It was a weekend full of celebration that also put me in a reflective mood as I thought about all I have to be thankful for. 

One of the things I find myself extremely thankful for right now is my brothers. I find myself so hoping that Emma is blessed to have a brother. Growing up I had so many people who didn't have older brothers tell me how lucky I was to have a big brother. I always just agreed with them. :) I am pretty sure I have the most amazing big brother there is! I have always felt so safe and secure and loved when he is around. Like he has my back and I could go to him for anything. I am so proud of the man that he is and all that he has accomplished in his career and with his family. What I am most proud of though is his heart. He has a heart of gold. A loving, tender heart. Strong and silent, a gentle giant. He is a man of integrity and character who loves his family fiercely and who would do anything for them. It is one thing for me to say that I could trust him with my life, quite another thing to say that I could trust him with Emma's. I could, absolutely. I am sad that Emma will never know the joy and love and security of having an amazing big brother like mine but so thankful that she gets to call my big brother Uncle and know what it is to be loved and protected by him. I love you Lindon, more than words could ever say.

I have also been blessed with a baby brother. One that I protected and took care of while we were growing up but who I now feel protected and cared for by. Another man of integrity and character who loves his family fiercely. Another man whom I would trust with Emma's life. Another brother whom I love more than words could ever say. Perhaps God will one day bless Emma with a baby brother and she will be able to experience the joy and love that exists in that relationship. That is my hope right now.  I am truly a blessed little and big sister and will always be so proud of my brothers and the men they have become. 

I think about having a boy and how incredibly blessed that little boy would be. In this day and age there are so many little boys who don't have a positive male influence in their lives at all. In our family there is no shortage of strong, positive, loving male influences and that is such a blessing! I can see the heritage and legacy of those influences in my husband and in my brothers and I pray that one day that can be carried on in our family. Of course if God decides to bless us with another little girl I absolutely won't complain and will welcome her with joy and awe. I am just kinda hoping for snakes and snails and puppy dog tails!

For those of you who weren't at the party this weekend I thought I would include something that I wrote and read on behalf of Chad and myself, as well as some photos of the day. What a wonderful day it was. A day to celebrate the two most special and amazing people in my life. A day to celebrate answers to pray and God's goodness. There was a butterfly theme for the party which had huge signifance for me and this will explain why...

"First of all we want to thank you all for coming. So many of you have walked with us on this journey, praying for us and supporting us and it means so much that you would come here today to celebrate. As we gear up to once again do what is necessary to get on the waiting list and actively wait we trust that we can count on your continued support.

You may have noticed that there is a butterfly theme going on. There is a twofold reason for that. Firstly it is such a good representation of our journey to get here today. Just as a caterpillar has to yield and wait, not knowing what the future has in store, to one day emerge as a beautiful butterfly, so we had to yield and wait and wait and wait, and cocoon ourselves within the promise of God that He would one day add to our family, not knowing that what would emerge as we yielded and waited and left it in His hands would be something and someone more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. The other reason is Emma herself. Just as a caterpillar leaves behind the old life and emerges with a new more beautiful one Emma has been blessed to be able to leave behind a future that may not have been so beautiful or free to live what we hope and pray is a life filled with abundant love, security and happiness. We know that there will be a time or times when she has questions and that the older she gets the more she will understand and the deeper the questions will be. We pray that when those times come we will have the words to say that will bring her peace and give her answers and remind her again of all that God has done and how very much she is loved not just by us but by all who know her and have welcomed her with loving hearts. Of course it goes without saying that to us Emma is the most beautiful and precious gift that ever was and we will forever be so thankful to God for all He has done. 

One of our main reasons for having this party today, besides celebrating that Emma is finally a Sakaluk, is that while some churches practice baby baptism and some churches practice child dedications we personally feel that neither is necessary and that because our situation was different and special we would do something different and special. We still want to acknowledge before our family and friends all that God has done and the precious gift that Emma is. We have asked my brother Mark if he would pray over Emma. Chad and I both have so much admiration and respect for Mark and Beth as a couple and for the way they are raising their children. They are such a true and genuine example of what it means to love and respect each other and to keep Christ as the centre of your marriage and of your family. They have walked with us on this journey from beginning to end, being there for us and crying with us and praying for us in the tough times and rejoicing with us and still praying for us in the good times. It is so important to us that Emma be prayed for by someone who doesn’t just talk the talk but who walks it out and lives it. Someone that we know is going to have an amazing and steady influence on her life. Although I know from growing up with him that Mark isn’t perfect he has proven himself time and again to be a man of God and a man of integrity. How special for Emma to have her Uncle Mark pray for her."

                                   

9 Months Already!

I thought I would do a blog all about Emma. :) Just an update on her and how she is doing and the milestones she has had and of course include some photos.
Emma turned 9 months old on the 10th of this month. I took her in to be weighed and measured and she has more than tripled her birthweight and grown almost 9 inches! She weighed 19lbs 1oz and was 27.25" tall. She is such a healthy little girl! We did have over a week where she was very sick with a flu/cold and she lost weight and had pretty much everything except a fever. It was a long week and we were worried about her but she has bounced back and gained back all her weight and then some! She has two teeth now and I think perhaps her gums are beginning to bother her again. She is now waving goodbye and learning high fives and trying to crawl. The attempts at crawling are fun to watch. She gets rather frustrated and finally gives up and rolls all over the place. Last night Chad was trying to help her practice crawling and she was getting frustrated so he stood her up and took her hands and she took off walking. Definitely prefers that mode of transportation! She doesn't have the balance yet to walk on her own or I know she would be off and running. She especially enjoys having us help her chase our dog Finlay! For now most of the time she is content to roll from place to place and play with her toys.
Emma loves books and being read to and she "reads" to herself. She loves music as well and can be in the middle of anything else when she hears music and stops what she is doing to find out where it is coming from. I have registered her in a program called Rhythm Rhyme and Storytime and am looking forward to taking her. It is a hands-on hour and a half of music, stories, dancing and crafts and the parents stay and do it all with the kids. It is for kids ages 0-5. It will be good to get her out and interacting with other little ones and good for Mommy to interact with other big ones!
Emma's hair is turning curly! It is still very dark and the longer it gets the wavier it gets. When it is wet it is all curls. Too cute! She is a good eater and we have been experimenting with lots of different foods. It seems as though she has a sweet tooth and she very much enjoys fruits and yam. I think mango is definitely a favourite of hers!
We are staying with my parents right now as renovations are taking place in our house. It has been a good time for Emma to bond with them and have some quality time. She is a little clingier right now as her world has turned upside down for a week but she is handling it quite well and is still full of smiles and sunshine. She is truly a happy little girl who makes everyone smile. So often when we are out shopping so many people (lots of grandma and grandpa types!) stop and talk to her and she just smiles and makes their day. She brings so much joy and light into every room and heart and is a blessing beyond compare.
Here are some photos of our lovely girl...

Reading and relaxing

Mmmm blueberries!

Hanging out at Gramma and Grampa's house

9 months old!

Such a big girl!

                                    

Trying to eat Finlay's dinner :)

         

Hi everyone! Look at my curly hair!

Finally!!!

I am so very excited and thankful and relieved to tell everyone that Emma is finally and officially a Sakaluk!!! We received the adoption order in the mail this past week. There is a small technicality that has to be fixed as they spelled my middle name wrong but it just means another piece of paper and that we can't apply for her birth certificate until it has been amended. Otherwise she is legally ours!

When I got into our vehicle after picking the adoption order up I sat and cried. Then I called Chad. Then I cried some more and even as I am writing this I am crying a little. It's amazing how some pieces of paper can change your world. Of course she was ours before this too but now it is done, settled, legal, no one can take her from me. How many times in the last almost nine months have I had thoughts go through my head of what my defense would be if someone tried to take her from me? What I would say in front of a judge....who has been changing her diapers, feeding her, clothing her, staying up nights with her when she couldn't breathe because she was so sick, loving her, teaching her, cuddling her, singing to her, praying over her, who has truly been her mother? What a relief to know she is truly and forever ours. Well, until some icky boy comes and sweeps her off her feet! But even then she will still be ours.

God is so good and He has blessed us so much. I think though that He can stop teaching me what it means to wait! I have waited for so many things in my life and think the lesson is well learned! Of course I know in saying that there will be more lessons. It's okay though, everything that I have waited for has turned out to be even more beautiful and amazing and perfect than I could ever imagine!

Dreams

I am a dreamer. Not the kind that daydreams all day, or the kind that has deep spiritual dreams all the time or even the kind that comes up with these crazy but wonderful ideas. I just dream. A lot. In colour and detail and sometimes it feels like I dream all night long although I am sure that isn't true. Quite often I remember my dreams and can figure out what I have been watching or reading or thinking about and see how it all comes together in a jumble in my dreams. There are times though when I have dreams that really stick with me and make me think and there have been times when I have had dreams that had huge impact and were definitely more than just dreams. It's been a while since I have had one of those. In the last few weeks though I have had two of the dreams that stuck with me and made me think and wonder where they came from and what was going in on my heart and life. It's not usually a good idea to interpret your own dreams and I don't think I have done that. I have just kind of searched my heart and now understand where they came from.

The first dream happened as many of them do...it was in the middle of a jumble of things happening and this one incident stood out and then faded again to a jumble. The part that stood out was there were a number of people sitting in a room together and we were having like a church small group. I don't know who everyone was that was there but I do know that my parents were there and maybe my younger brother and a pastor that I know. The pastor started speaking, about what I don't remember, when my parents interrupted him. They asked him why he wouldn't go any deeper. Why he would only talk about surface things and not dig deeper and challenge people. Almost as if he was scared to do so and they wanted to know why and they were frustrated at the lack of teaching. At one point my Mom basically told me that she was disappointed that this is what I was doing now for church. Ouch. I woke up later and really thought about it for a few days. It struck a chord and it took some time but I finally realized one day that it wasn't necessarily my parents that were the important part or the ones who were disappointed. It was the values and beliefs they instilled in me that were speaking and it is me who is disappointed. Sometimes it feels as though the depth and the heighth and the width of God and His love and character and mystery that I have known has become something shallow. Not that it is something shallow to me but that the place where I now fellowship and the things I hear and witness and see and have said to me lack life and depth and strength and concentrate on keeping people happy and safe and feeling like it is okay to not be okay instead of challenging them and digging deeper. That might sound like a harsh judgement and at times I wonder if it is just me and if I am just too cynical or critical and am missing out on what everyone else seems to be getting out of it. For me it comes down to this...I miss being in a place where I can actually feel God. I miss being led by the Spirit and having those around me doing the same. I get so frustrated with man being in charge. Where the praise and worship is rehearsed down to when there will be prayer and what the prayer is going to be about. When the services in churches are planned down to the minute. I get frustrated when there is just no room for God to truly move. I know that  lives are still touched and changed but I have to wonder at times how lasting it is and how true and how much is understood and if it sticks. I guess I am doing some venting here and know that at times I have to watch my attitude as I am scared to come across as being self-righteous or thinking I know it all. I certainly don't. But this one thing I do know... I have tasted and seen and experienced God in a way that I will never forget and long for more of. There is so much more to God!

My other dream actually woke me up one morning with my heart pounding. I was in a little 4 person plane. There was myself, a pilot (not sure who he was) and there was a female in the back. We were ascending and all of a sudden we were in some thick, heavy, wet clouds. I could literally feel it. Almost as if the body of the plane wasn't sealed or didn't have a roof. Just as we got into those clouds and that incredible humidity the engine of the plane spluttered and died and we began to go down. I said "Oh Jesus" and woke up. My heart was pounding and I could feel the fear and the next thing I heard was Emma talking in her crib. Now I know people might say it was just one of those dreams that you have when your body is trying to wake up and I kind of thought that too except for how I was feeling and the fact that it was Emma who woke me up. To me it was such a tangible expression of what has happened in my life in the last little while. I struggled so much with not being a Mom. Sometimes feeling so lost and and hurt and like I had a cloud hanging over me. Clouds full of tears. Then God blessed me with Emma and she woke up within me places that I had closed off. Places that were shutting down. Now I have this absolutely beautiful, sweet, precious little girl who makes me laugh and has opened my heart up to a love that I so longed to feel. She woke that up in me. God has used her to bring healing and to fill my life with so much joy. I love being a Mom. I love that God chose me for Emma. What a wonderful thing! A privilege that I don't take lightly. God used Emma to save me and I am so blown away that He chose me to teach her about Him!

I hear my little sweetpea now. Awake after her morning nap. Must go get her and give her a hug!

Meeting Again for the Very First Time

Last week Chad, Emma and I met with the birthgrandparents and birthbrothers. It was a nice little visit and good to spend a bit of time with them. It was interesting to meet the boys and see who Emma looks like and learn a little bit about them. The little two year helped me see what Emma will look like in two years. Such precious boys. Definitely a resemblance between them all.

Today though was a very special visit. Emma and I had a time set up to meet with birthmom K. I was so looking forward to it but praying lots as well and trusting that God was going with us. Even moreso though I was praying for K. I knew it would be tough for her to see Emma again and greatly respected her for wanting to see Emma again even though it may hurt her heart. It was so very good to see K.  She looks amazing! So healthy and happy and peaceful. There is life and light in her eyes. She has a plan and a goal that she is working towards. Becoming a practical nurse so she can eventually work in a detox type centre. She has worked so hard to get her life back on track and is now making wise choices and is feeling good about the plans she has. She loves where she is living and plans to stay there. It did my heart good to see her doing well and with plans that make her heart happy. I am so proud of her and the steps she has taken and the things she is working through and dealing with. I know the struggle will always potentially be there but she is determined and trying her best and I know God will continue to be her strength.

Emma did so well. She cuddled with K for a while and eventually warmed up enough to smile and talk a little and have her picture taken. I was able to ask K some questions about what her likes and interests and hobbies are so I know what Emma may want to be involved in. Emma looks like her in a way but in other ways she is very much her own little self too. I was so glad that she didn't play shy and K was able to spend some time with her.

K is my hero in many ways. I respect and admire her like I respect and admire no one else. Yes, there have been bad decisions in the past but she is working through all of that and given up so much to get on the right track. I pray that God blesses her and continues to give her the strength and determination to stay on track and live the life she has always wanted to live. May her life be full of love and hope and peace and may the healing that has begun continue.

Seeing K today, looking so much healthier and happier and even more beautiful than when we first met her, was like meeting her all over again for the very first time. A precious young woman who has blessed us with more love and joy than we could ever express.

Cakes and Creativity

This past weekend I had a moment where I was once again so thankful that I was homeschooled. My niece's bridal shower was on the weekend (when did she grow up?!) and I made a cake for the shower. I have always loved making cakes and baking and being a little creative with it. I had a discussion with a couple of the ladies there as they asked me how I made the cake and they commented on my creativity. I was actually asked if I was lefthanded and there was surprise when I said no. As if only lefthanded people can be creative. I told the ladies that I get it from my Mom. She is just creative in a different way with her amazing seamstress skills. I thought about it quite a bit after that though and really truly believe that being homeschooled is part of it as well. My Mom saw where my interests were and encouraged me in them. I became the resident cake maker for birthdays and other occassions and my family put up with my experimenting with different baking recipes. I am not sure how much I would have done had I been in a school where I was just lumped in with the other kids. These days I know schools have different things such as cooking and cosmetology and that sort of thing but way back when it wasn't so. I just felt so thankful that I had been blessed to be homeschooled where my talents and interests were encouraged and at times were actually a part of my schooling. I loved my home economics course! I so look forward to seeing what Emma's talents and interests are as she grows and develops and to encouraging them in her and including them in with her schooling.
I also saw something on the weekend that I have known for a long time but was once again confirmed. My Mom and I are so much alike! Just seeing the way we put our gifts together and the ideas that we had. It's funny because at times something will come up and I will say to Chad "I am so much like my Mom" and he will rather sarcastically say "Really? I hadn't noticed". I do have alot of my Dad in me as well and remember times growing up where they would be discussing something and not quite seeing each other's point of view and because I understood where they were both coming from I was able to kind of help things along. I am pretty proud of the fact that I am like my Mom. What better person to be like? I also find that the older I get the more I physically see myself in her. Which is fine with me because Mom is a beautiful, vibrant, healthy woman. I am definitely my Mom's daughter and I am okay with that!

Here is a photo of the cake I did on the weekend. Thanks to my Mom for encouraging my talents and interests!

Delay

Yesterday we received a call that there is a delay in our adoption finalization. We were to the point where the first filing in court was done, then all the paperwork was sent back. We had our criminal record checks done in March/April of this year as it was our two year mark of being on the waiting list and they needed to be renewed but apparently the courts want us to do them again as it has been 6 months. We have had Emma for more than 4 of those months so you would think that they would know that we haven't exactly been robbing banks or harming childern or anything! I was pretty frustrated but know that we just need to keep jumping through hoops and see it through to the end. The other thing is that we are not sure if the records office is receiving applications this week as the office is moving and will in fact be closed next week. The way it is looking everything may not be finalized now until December! I must say though how thankful I was that our social worker wasn't calling to say that someone was fighting to take Emma back! Delays I can handle.
Other than that life is going along at a fast pace. We have been really busy, too busy. We are seeing things through until the break over the December holidays and then are going to reevaluate everything we are involved in and which ones to step down from. I can see the negative effects of our busyness on Emma some days and really don't like that. Plus Chad and I have both been feeling run down. I am looking forward to going into hibernation with my little girl this winter and soaking in all her milestones and "first times" and just enjoying the beautiful little person she is.
Smiles, trying to roll over, getting ready to start on solid foods, favourite position is standing, trying to giggle, playing with her toys, intentionally just wanting to cuddle and so much more...all the things we are enjoying with our little sweetpea right now. It's fun!
Here are some recent photos for those of you who aren't on Facebook...

Emma Update

I realize it has been a long time since I have posted on here. Life has certainly gotten busier! I thought I should give everyone an update though on how things are going. I just read through my last post and cried more tears as I relived the emotions and goodness of God. Hard to believe that more than two months have come and gone!
First of all an update on the status of the adoption. We have done pretty much everything we need to do on our part except pay our last installment. The paperwork has been filled out and signed and now we are waiting on a lawyer to get a certain paper (I can't remember what it is called) that is needed as the birthdad has not signed the papers to release Emma. He has agreed to the adoption but not signed the papers. He is considered unfit to be a parent and so it is just a matter of the lawyer getting that legally stated on a piece of paper so that our papers can all be submitted. With summer holidays and appointments having to be made with judges and such it is looking like the adoption won't be offical until around the end of October. I would so love it if everything was signed and sealed by Thanksgiving! (The middle of October for my American friends:)) What a wonderful thing to be thankful for! We will be so relieved when everything is said and done. We know she won't be taken back but how amazing it will be to have her officially be a Sakaluk!
Life with Emma is everything I have longed for and so much more. She is such a good little girl who is very content and happy and healthy. A true snuggler which I love! She is smiling lots and finding her voice and wanting to stand when we hold her and just growing so quickly! She had her two month checkup this week and she is perfectly healthy! She is now 22" long and 11lbs! Her hair is coming in so dark and looks like it will be thick and I am looking forward to braids and curls and barrettes and ponytails! She has captured the hearts of everyone in our families and has been able to spend quite a bit of time with grandparents and some of her aunts, uncles and cousins this summer. She already loves to be read to and has quite the conversations with anyone who will sit and talk with her.
I have felt overwhelmed on many days. Not with how life is now so much as with the unspeakable blessing it is to be Emma's mommy. I have felt overwhelmed so many times that God chose me to raise this beautiful little girl and how I long for her to grow to know how much God loves her and how much He has already been at work in her life. As much as I want her to be happy and healthy and to follow her dreams and all of that I so much more want for her to know and love the One who has not only taken care of her thus far but who knit her together and created her to be exactly who she is. I sat one day and spent time praying over her and the word "joy" kept coming to me. Not so much to pray that Emma would have joy but that she does have joy and that joy is going to bubble up out of her and touch so many people and change so many lives. I could see her in a couple years running around and smiling and spreading joy everywhere she went and touching every life she came in contact with. May it be true. May God be so present and so real that His joy just bubbles up out of her and she shares it with all she comes in contact with. God truly has His hand on her and I pray for so much wisdom in raising her, that the same Lord who has entrusted her to me will enable me to raise her to be the amazing young woman that I know He is going to call her to be. She is a treasure, a gift, a responsibility, a blessing that I can not believe God has entrusted me with. I will and do love her with as much love as my heart can hold. We are truly a blessed family!

Emma Marlane - A Most Precious Gift

The Call. I lost track of how many scenarios played out in my head of where we might be when the call came, what we might be doing, if it was a good time for us or not or if we would be in the middle of something. When the call came though we were simply dishing up our dinner. The phone rang, I saw who was calling on the caller ID and all of a sudden I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer or not, I just knew, and in that instant of knowing every emotion you can think of flashed through me and in me. By the time the phone call was over the overriding feeling was one of shock. We waited for such a long time and at times it felt like it would never happen but then all of sudden there it was, everything our hearts had been hoping and praying for. Thus began a whirlwind of a week! Let me share with you the story of out little Emma Marlane and how full our hearts are of God's goodness, perfect timing and answers to prayer...

Tuesday, June 5th. The day we got the call. We were told that we had been chosen and that the baby was due on June 27th. The plan was that we were going to set up a time to meet with the birth family and get to know each other and see how everyone felt about the situation and go from there. (Before I go any further I want to tell you all that I am going to do my utmost to not uncover the birthmom (hereafter referred to simply as K) in any way, shape or form. She is a precious girl who needs lots of love and prayer.) We then received a call a couple of days later saying that the meeting was going to take place on Monday, June 11th in the evening and the birthgrandparents (B & J) would be there as well. So we had the weekend to prepare at least a little bit! Up to this point we had nothing except for a few sleepers and a play yard! We were feeling a little panicky and extremely overhwhelmed. I know without a doubt that God was chuckling at us! Chad and I are very similar and we like to have all of our ducks in a row and be prepared! We did a bit of shopping and lots of talking as we wondered about the birthfamily and the baby and what was going to happen and how we just felt like it was right. There were some circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and such that we needed to discuss but I know that for both of us we just knew this was right. On Saturday morning Chad told me that he thought we needed to go out and buy a car seat, just in case. Sears was having a sale too and so we went shopping again. The rest of that weekend was packed as we attended a party for one of our youth, went to church and were part of a photo shoot with our youth group. We had agreed to not tell anyone, except our parents, that we had been chosen until we had a chance to meet with the birthfamily. It was so hard not to say anything to our youth who have prayed for so long and been waiting with us!

On Sunday just before 9:30pm we received another call that truly changed our whole world...K was in labour! 2 weeks early! We might be able to bring our baby home the next night! There most definitely was no sleep for me that night! We called our parents again and then all of our siblings to let them know what was going on. That was fun! :) Chad went to work the next day instead of sitting around and just waiting and I did some running around trying to find more necessities and taking Finlay to the dog kennel. We were supposed to be at the hospital by 3 and of course just before Chad left work things kind of exploded there. Funny how that happens. He was a little later than planned getting home but we still made it to the hospital on time. Before I tell you about meeting everyone for the first time let me share a few things with you...

When Sheila, our social worker, called she told us that this birthfamily had requested to see profiles of Christian couples. That meant so much to me! A part of me had so been hoping we wouldn't be chosen because we have a dog or wear glasses or like to travel. I wanted it to be deeper than that and when Sheila told me I was so deeply grateful and it just resonated deep within me. Chad and I have both always known, although we never discussed it with each other, that our adopted baby was going to be a girl. Don't ask how we knew but we both did, and not just in the past couple of weeks but for as long as we have been on the waiting list and actually for me it has been for as long as we have been married I knew our first would be a girl. So of course I wasn't surprised when Sheila called on Monday morning to say the baby was a girl. She also told me that we didn't have to feel like we were going into an interview. Once you have been chosen the birthfamily has access to your in depth home study which means they know more about you than pretty much anyone else in your life. She told me they had read through it all and were in love with us and wanted to meet us. Another huge blessing! She also told me numerous times that because of some of the circumstances surrounding the whole situation there is no way the baby would be taken back. Wow! I had so been dreading the 10 day period where the birthmom can change her mind. Blessing upon blessing!

Monday, June 11th. We got to the hospital right on time and waited for a bit with Sheila downstairs and then she took us up to meet the birthfamily and the baby. We had no idea what to expect and yet I can honestly say that I had such a peace through this whole thing. Kind of like being in the eye of the storm when all around you is crazy but you are at peace. As soon as we walked in the room we all started visiting and joking around and laughing and there was almost a recognition of spirits I guess you could say. Birthgrandpa (B) and birthmom (K) had both been adopted themselves and almost right away B told us that he really wanted us to know that to them this wasn't "giving up a baby" it was presenting us with a gift. What an amazing gift! B had been holding the baby but he gave her to K and asked K to hand her to me which she did. The baby was beautiful! Absolutely perfect! Truly a gift from heaven above. Chad held her after a while and when he had her B asked Sheila to leave the room and he then did something I had so been hoping would happen but hadn't voiced. He asked if he could pray with us. He laid hands on Chad and the baby, I was holding onto Chad with one hand and K's hand in the other and B prayed a blessing over us and gave us his blessing. As soon as he was done I told him that I had so badly been hoping that would happen and he just laughed and gave me a hug. We talked about how we are all part of God's family, all adopted and just what a gift that is. It was like we were family in a strange kind of way. We ended up staying at the hospital for 4 hours. K decided to go home that night which meant we could bring baby home that night. We had to wait for the lawyer to come and for K and baby to be discharged and all of that. We spent quite a bit of time all of us in the hospital room together but we also let B and K have lots of time with the baby. I did have chance to ask K a couple of questions and found out that she knew as soon as she found out she was pregnant that she would be choosing adoption and when I asked her why us she said that a big reason was because I am going to be a stay at home mom and that meant so much to her as her Mom did the same with her. K was truly a sweetheart. I could have just sat and talked with her and hugged her and prayed for her.

Chad and I had a name picked out before we went to the hospital but I have always loved the name Emma. We kind of stayed away from it because it is always so high on the popular names list and we didn't want to use it because of that. A part of me though still would have loved to use it. When we got to the hospital and saw the paperwork that K had filled out she had put the baby's name down as Emma and it turns out it is also K's middle name! It was my great-grandma's name as well. So Chad and I talked about it and agreed to keep it. It is like it was always meant for her. Her middle name is, of course, my Mom's name and it is also my middle name. Quite often when an adoptive family changes the baby's name they will keep the name the birthmom chose as a middle name and when we told them we were keeping Emma as her first name they were so very happy and it made me even happier that we decided to keep it. Emma means "whole, complete" and it is so fitting as she has made our family whole.

The time came for B and K to leave the hospital and we again gave them some time with Emma. When they left we all hugged each other and K and I cried together and my heart broke for her as I watched her have to turn her back on this perfect little gift from above. What strength it took to do that! What love for her little girl! We left the hospital shortly thereafter and have been home with our precious Emma for a week now.

Until today I haven't really had time to sit and think and process and feel everything that has happened. It was such a whirlwind of events and there were people coming and going and we were taking her places to introduce her to people and I got quite sick and on and on and on. Today is our first full day home by ourselves and I have noticed a contentment in my heart that has been missing for so very long. I am a mom. I have a beautiful little girl who looks at me with her big brown eyes full of adoration and trust and I just want to be the best mom a little girl ever had. I think about my Gramma and how much she would have loved Emma and vice versa and how thrilled Gramma would be that Emma is named after Gramma's mother. I think of the miscarriage I had last year and how if that had never happened I would never have known Emma. Yes, I still wish I could have known that little baby but I know that baby is with Jesus and Gramma. I think about all of the tears and waiting and longing and praying and how they all just melted away when I held her in my arms. I think about how God's timing is perfect and I am blown away by His entrusting me with this little life. It feels in some ways like Emma has been here for so much longer than just a week and as I pondered that today I realized that it is because she has been in our hearts for such a long time. We never knew her but we loved her and were just waiting for the day when God brought her into our lives. I think about my husband and what an amazing Daddy he already is and how much his little girl loves him already and all of the special times they are going to have together and the relationship they are going to have. I think of dresses and curls and painted nails and teas and parties and cuddles and kisses and muddy handprints and giggles and poopy diapers and joy and tears and love and I am overhwhelmed. God is so good. So very many prayers were answered the day we got the call. So many lives changed forever. I already don't know what life would be like without my beautiful daughter and it is the desire of my heart to raise her to know and love and serve the One who orchestrated all of this. I also so hope that she and I have the same kind of relationship I have with my Mom. Emma is truly a gift to us all.

Please keep K in your prayers as she moves on to the next stage in her life and deals with the grief and separation this has brought. The family has left all of the contact decisions up to us and we hope and pray that sometime in the near future we can all get together and share God's goodness. They were so right when they said they were giving us a gift. How profoundly beautiful. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude and love to the God we all serve.

I am going to go cuddle with my beautiful Emma now and tell her just how amazing she is. Truly a most precious gift sent from above.

Update

     Just a quick little update to let you know that I heard from the agency and we are currently number 11 on the list! Moved up again! Our profile was sent out to a birthmom who has not yet made a decision and is still looking at profiles. She is due in July. Please keep her in your prayers as she makes what must be such a difficult decision. My heart goes out to these birthmoms who have to make what is perhaps the hardest most heartbreaking decision they will ever have to make. 

Holding Fast

"What happens to us is not nearly as important as what is happening in us."

     That was the first sentence I read in my little devotional book this morning and in a way I think I groaned inside as the devotion this morning was on contentment. When you are in a place of discontent in any way the last thing you want to read or hear about is how important it is to be content in whatever your circumstances may be! Of course for me right now it all has to do with longing for a baby. I was praying this morning and realized just how much of my life I have spent waiting and sometimes I feel like it was time wasted. When I really think about it though I realize how much God has done in me during that time of waiting, when I have let Him. I can fight it and spend time in self-pity but when I let God do what He wants to do in my heart the waiting is easier. Another quote from my devotions this morning...

"If Paul had to learn to be content (Philippians 4:12), it is not instinctive. He learned it by being harrowed and hard pressed, imprisoned and persecuted; for it is there you discover how real the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ is. Our reference point cannot be our circumstances. Our reference point must be Christ. Paul was able to live in any circumstance, because Christ was His strength."

     There is a part of a verse that has become my favorite in the last little while. It is simply this "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. When I am feeling down, in tears over waiting, longing to be a mom and in some ways grieving what hasn't happened and what I feel like I have lost, I repeat this verse out loud and it helps. Reminds me that I can have joy in the midst of trial and it isn't just joy but it is joy from the Lord and it is a strength that will carry me through.


     I am turning 39 in July and I know that is part of me having a tough time right now. Feeling like I am getting to be too old for God to add to my family and like half of my life is over already. I don't "feel" 39, whatever that feels like, but it is a constant reminder of how much my life is not in my control and how I really have to trust that God knows what He's doing because some days in my heart I feel like it's too late. I read a book recently though that really spoke to me. It was a fictional account of Abraham and Sarah and the promise from God that they would become parents to a son and how they waited and waited and waited. I was so struck by Abraham's faith. He has been an example to me for years and one of my favorite portions of scripture is in Romans 4 where Abraham's faith was talked about..."yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform." Romans 4:20-21 


     I find myself being more like Sarah so often. Doubting and laughing and wondering how God could possibly fulfill His promises when nothing has happened yet. I long to be more like Abraham. Not only did he hold fast to the promises of God but while he was waiting he gave glory to God! There was something that stood out to me as I read this book that I had never thought of before or heard preached about. I guess I never paid attention to the fact that Abraham and Sarah's names were changed before they had Isaac, from Abram and Sarai. It was almost as if God had to do a great work in them first, take them through desserts and such, work in their hearts and lives, bring them to a place where He could change them to be who they needed to be before He fulfilled His promise. Then He changed their names. Filled them with more of God. Fulfilled His promise. Made me think more about my own heart and life and what God may be trying to do.


     As I prayed and cried this morning words to a song came to mind and I am including it here for you to listen to. I especially love the bridge in the song. May I continually lift my eyes to the One who orchestrates, leads, guides, heals, corrects, strengthens and fulfills promises and may I learn what it is to be content and to have Christ as my reference point and not my circumstance. This I know, if I hold fast to the Lord, His joy will be my strength.