9 Months Already!

I thought I would do a blog all about Emma. :) Just an update on her and how she is doing and the milestones she has had and of course include some photos.
Emma turned 9 months old on the 10th of this month. I took her in to be weighed and measured and she has more than tripled her birthweight and grown almost 9 inches! She weighed 19lbs 1oz and was 27.25" tall. She is such a healthy little girl! We did have over a week where she was very sick with a flu/cold and she lost weight and had pretty much everything except a fever. It was a long week and we were worried about her but she has bounced back and gained back all her weight and then some! She has two teeth now and I think perhaps her gums are beginning to bother her again. She is now waving goodbye and learning high fives and trying to crawl. The attempts at crawling are fun to watch. She gets rather frustrated and finally gives up and rolls all over the place. Last night Chad was trying to help her practice crawling and she was getting frustrated so he stood her up and took her hands and she took off walking. Definitely prefers that mode of transportation! She doesn't have the balance yet to walk on her own or I know she would be off and running. She especially enjoys having us help her chase our dog Finlay! For now most of the time she is content to roll from place to place and play with her toys.
Emma loves books and being read to and she "reads" to herself. She loves music as well and can be in the middle of anything else when she hears music and stops what she is doing to find out where it is coming from. I have registered her in a program called Rhythm Rhyme and Storytime and am looking forward to taking her. It is a hands-on hour and a half of music, stories, dancing and crafts and the parents stay and do it all with the kids. It is for kids ages 0-5. It will be good to get her out and interacting with other little ones and good for Mommy to interact with other big ones!
Emma's hair is turning curly! It is still very dark and the longer it gets the wavier it gets. When it is wet it is all curls. Too cute! She is a good eater and we have been experimenting with lots of different foods. It seems as though she has a sweet tooth and she very much enjoys fruits and yam. I think mango is definitely a favourite of hers!
We are staying with my parents right now as renovations are taking place in our house. It has been a good time for Emma to bond with them and have some quality time. She is a little clingier right now as her world has turned upside down for a week but she is handling it quite well and is still full of smiles and sunshine. She is truly a happy little girl who makes everyone smile. So often when we are out shopping so many people (lots of grandma and grandpa types!) stop and talk to her and she just smiles and makes their day. She brings so much joy and light into every room and heart and is a blessing beyond compare.
Here are some photos of our lovely girl...

Reading and relaxing

Mmmm blueberries!

Hanging out at Gramma and Grampa's house

9 months old!

Such a big girl!

                                    

Trying to eat Finlay's dinner :)

         

Hi everyone! Look at my curly hair!

Finally!!!

I am so very excited and thankful and relieved to tell everyone that Emma is finally and officially a Sakaluk!!! We received the adoption order in the mail this past week. There is a small technicality that has to be fixed as they spelled my middle name wrong but it just means another piece of paper and that we can't apply for her birth certificate until it has been amended. Otherwise she is legally ours!

When I got into our vehicle after picking the adoption order up I sat and cried. Then I called Chad. Then I cried some more and even as I am writing this I am crying a little. It's amazing how some pieces of paper can change your world. Of course she was ours before this too but now it is done, settled, legal, no one can take her from me. How many times in the last almost nine months have I had thoughts go through my head of what my defense would be if someone tried to take her from me? What I would say in front of a judge....who has been changing her diapers, feeding her, clothing her, staying up nights with her when she couldn't breathe because she was so sick, loving her, teaching her, cuddling her, singing to her, praying over her, who has truly been her mother? What a relief to know she is truly and forever ours. Well, until some icky boy comes and sweeps her off her feet! But even then she will still be ours.

God is so good and He has blessed us so much. I think though that He can stop teaching me what it means to wait! I have waited for so many things in my life and think the lesson is well learned! Of course I know in saying that there will be more lessons. It's okay though, everything that I have waited for has turned out to be even more beautiful and amazing and perfect than I could ever imagine!

Dreams

I am a dreamer. Not the kind that daydreams all day, or the kind that has deep spiritual dreams all the time or even the kind that comes up with these crazy but wonderful ideas. I just dream. A lot. In colour and detail and sometimes it feels like I dream all night long although I am sure that isn't true. Quite often I remember my dreams and can figure out what I have been watching or reading or thinking about and see how it all comes together in a jumble in my dreams. There are times though when I have dreams that really stick with me and make me think and there have been times when I have had dreams that had huge impact and were definitely more than just dreams. It's been a while since I have had one of those. In the last few weeks though I have had two of the dreams that stuck with me and made me think and wonder where they came from and what was going in on my heart and life. It's not usually a good idea to interpret your own dreams and I don't think I have done that. I have just kind of searched my heart and now understand where they came from.

The first dream happened as many of them do...it was in the middle of a jumble of things happening and this one incident stood out and then faded again to a jumble. The part that stood out was there were a number of people sitting in a room together and we were having like a church small group. I don't know who everyone was that was there but I do know that my parents were there and maybe my younger brother and a pastor that I know. The pastor started speaking, about what I don't remember, when my parents interrupted him. They asked him why he wouldn't go any deeper. Why he would only talk about surface things and not dig deeper and challenge people. Almost as if he was scared to do so and they wanted to know why and they were frustrated at the lack of teaching. At one point my Mom basically told me that she was disappointed that this is what I was doing now for church. Ouch. I woke up later and really thought about it for a few days. It struck a chord and it took some time but I finally realized one day that it wasn't necessarily my parents that were the important part or the ones who were disappointed. It was the values and beliefs they instilled in me that were speaking and it is me who is disappointed. Sometimes it feels as though the depth and the heighth and the width of God and His love and character and mystery that I have known has become something shallow. Not that it is something shallow to me but that the place where I now fellowship and the things I hear and witness and see and have said to me lack life and depth and strength and concentrate on keeping people happy and safe and feeling like it is okay to not be okay instead of challenging them and digging deeper. That might sound like a harsh judgement and at times I wonder if it is just me and if I am just too cynical or critical and am missing out on what everyone else seems to be getting out of it. For me it comes down to this...I miss being in a place where I can actually feel God. I miss being led by the Spirit and having those around me doing the same. I get so frustrated with man being in charge. Where the praise and worship is rehearsed down to when there will be prayer and what the prayer is going to be about. When the services in churches are planned down to the minute. I get frustrated when there is just no room for God to truly move. I know that  lives are still touched and changed but I have to wonder at times how lasting it is and how true and how much is understood and if it sticks. I guess I am doing some venting here and know that at times I have to watch my attitude as I am scared to come across as being self-righteous or thinking I know it all. I certainly don't. But this one thing I do know... I have tasted and seen and experienced God in a way that I will never forget and long for more of. There is so much more to God!

My other dream actually woke me up one morning with my heart pounding. I was in a little 4 person plane. There was myself, a pilot (not sure who he was) and there was a female in the back. We were ascending and all of a sudden we were in some thick, heavy, wet clouds. I could literally feel it. Almost as if the body of the plane wasn't sealed or didn't have a roof. Just as we got into those clouds and that incredible humidity the engine of the plane spluttered and died and we began to go down. I said "Oh Jesus" and woke up. My heart was pounding and I could feel the fear and the next thing I heard was Emma talking in her crib. Now I know people might say it was just one of those dreams that you have when your body is trying to wake up and I kind of thought that too except for how I was feeling and the fact that it was Emma who woke me up. To me it was such a tangible expression of what has happened in my life in the last little while. I struggled so much with not being a Mom. Sometimes feeling so lost and and hurt and like I had a cloud hanging over me. Clouds full of tears. Then God blessed me with Emma and she woke up within me places that I had closed off. Places that were shutting down. Now I have this absolutely beautiful, sweet, precious little girl who makes me laugh and has opened my heart up to a love that I so longed to feel. She woke that up in me. God has used her to bring healing and to fill my life with so much joy. I love being a Mom. I love that God chose me for Emma. What a wonderful thing! A privilege that I don't take lightly. God used Emma to save me and I am so blown away that He chose me to teach her about Him!

I hear my little sweetpea now. Awake after her morning nap. Must go get her and give her a hug!

Meeting Again for the Very First Time

Last week Chad, Emma and I met with the birthgrandparents and birthbrothers. It was a nice little visit and good to spend a bit of time with them. It was interesting to meet the boys and see who Emma looks like and learn a little bit about them. The little two year helped me see what Emma will look like in two years. Such precious boys. Definitely a resemblance between them all.

Today though was a very special visit. Emma and I had a time set up to meet with birthmom K. I was so looking forward to it but praying lots as well and trusting that God was going with us. Even moreso though I was praying for K. I knew it would be tough for her to see Emma again and greatly respected her for wanting to see Emma again even though it may hurt her heart. It was so very good to see K.  She looks amazing! So healthy and happy and peaceful. There is life and light in her eyes. She has a plan and a goal that she is working towards. Becoming a practical nurse so she can eventually work in a detox type centre. She has worked so hard to get her life back on track and is now making wise choices and is feeling good about the plans she has. She loves where she is living and plans to stay there. It did my heart good to see her doing well and with plans that make her heart happy. I am so proud of her and the steps she has taken and the things she is working through and dealing with. I know the struggle will always potentially be there but she is determined and trying her best and I know God will continue to be her strength.

Emma did so well. She cuddled with K for a while and eventually warmed up enough to smile and talk a little and have her picture taken. I was able to ask K some questions about what her likes and interests and hobbies are so I know what Emma may want to be involved in. Emma looks like her in a way but in other ways she is very much her own little self too. I was so glad that she didn't play shy and K was able to spend some time with her.

K is my hero in many ways. I respect and admire her like I respect and admire no one else. Yes, there have been bad decisions in the past but she is working through all of that and given up so much to get on the right track. I pray that God blesses her and continues to give her the strength and determination to stay on track and live the life she has always wanted to live. May her life be full of love and hope and peace and may the healing that has begun continue.

Seeing K today, looking so much healthier and happier and even more beautiful than when we first met her, was like meeting her all over again for the very first time. A precious young woman who has blessed us with more love and joy than we could ever express.

Cakes and Creativity

This past weekend I had a moment where I was once again so thankful that I was homeschooled. My niece's bridal shower was on the weekend (when did she grow up?!) and I made a cake for the shower. I have always loved making cakes and baking and being a little creative with it. I had a discussion with a couple of the ladies there as they asked me how I made the cake and they commented on my creativity. I was actually asked if I was lefthanded and there was surprise when I said no. As if only lefthanded people can be creative. I told the ladies that I get it from my Mom. She is just creative in a different way with her amazing seamstress skills. I thought about it quite a bit after that though and really truly believe that being homeschooled is part of it as well. My Mom saw where my interests were and encouraged me in them. I became the resident cake maker for birthdays and other occassions and my family put up with my experimenting with different baking recipes. I am not sure how much I would have done had I been in a school where I was just lumped in with the other kids. These days I know schools have different things such as cooking and cosmetology and that sort of thing but way back when it wasn't so. I just felt so thankful that I had been blessed to be homeschooled where my talents and interests were encouraged and at times were actually a part of my schooling. I loved my home economics course! I so look forward to seeing what Emma's talents and interests are as she grows and develops and to encouraging them in her and including them in with her schooling.
I also saw something on the weekend that I have known for a long time but was once again confirmed. My Mom and I are so much alike! Just seeing the way we put our gifts together and the ideas that we had. It's funny because at times something will come up and I will say to Chad "I am so much like my Mom" and he will rather sarcastically say "Really? I hadn't noticed". I do have alot of my Dad in me as well and remember times growing up where they would be discussing something and not quite seeing each other's point of view and because I understood where they were both coming from I was able to kind of help things along. I am pretty proud of the fact that I am like my Mom. What better person to be like? I also find that the older I get the more I physically see myself in her. Which is fine with me because Mom is a beautiful, vibrant, healthy woman. I am definitely my Mom's daughter and I am okay with that!

Here is a photo of the cake I did on the weekend. Thanks to my Mom for encouraging my talents and interests!

Delay

Yesterday we received a call that there is a delay in our adoption finalization. We were to the point where the first filing in court was done, then all the paperwork was sent back. We had our criminal record checks done in March/April of this year as it was our two year mark of being on the waiting list and they needed to be renewed but apparently the courts want us to do them again as it has been 6 months. We have had Emma for more than 4 of those months so you would think that they would know that we haven't exactly been robbing banks or harming childern or anything! I was pretty frustrated but know that we just need to keep jumping through hoops and see it through to the end. The other thing is that we are not sure if the records office is receiving applications this week as the office is moving and will in fact be closed next week. The way it is looking everything may not be finalized now until December! I must say though how thankful I was that our social worker wasn't calling to say that someone was fighting to take Emma back! Delays I can handle.
Other than that life is going along at a fast pace. We have been really busy, too busy. We are seeing things through until the break over the December holidays and then are going to reevaluate everything we are involved in and which ones to step down from. I can see the negative effects of our busyness on Emma some days and really don't like that. Plus Chad and I have both been feeling run down. I am looking forward to going into hibernation with my little girl this winter and soaking in all her milestones and "first times" and just enjoying the beautiful little person she is.
Smiles, trying to roll over, getting ready to start on solid foods, favourite position is standing, trying to giggle, playing with her toys, intentionally just wanting to cuddle and so much more...all the things we are enjoying with our little sweetpea right now. It's fun!
Here are some recent photos for those of you who aren't on Facebook...

Emma Update

I realize it has been a long time since I have posted on here. Life has certainly gotten busier! I thought I should give everyone an update though on how things are going. I just read through my last post and cried more tears as I relived the emotions and goodness of God. Hard to believe that more than two months have come and gone!
First of all an update on the status of the adoption. We have done pretty much everything we need to do on our part except pay our last installment. The paperwork has been filled out and signed and now we are waiting on a lawyer to get a certain paper (I can't remember what it is called) that is needed as the birthdad has not signed the papers to release Emma. He has agreed to the adoption but not signed the papers. He is considered unfit to be a parent and so it is just a matter of the lawyer getting that legally stated on a piece of paper so that our papers can all be submitted. With summer holidays and appointments having to be made with judges and such it is looking like the adoption won't be offical until around the end of October. I would so love it if everything was signed and sealed by Thanksgiving! (The middle of October for my American friends:)) What a wonderful thing to be thankful for! We will be so relieved when everything is said and done. We know she won't be taken back but how amazing it will be to have her officially be a Sakaluk!
Life with Emma is everything I have longed for and so much more. She is such a good little girl who is very content and happy and healthy. A true snuggler which I love! She is smiling lots and finding her voice and wanting to stand when we hold her and just growing so quickly! She had her two month checkup this week and she is perfectly healthy! She is now 22" long and 11lbs! Her hair is coming in so dark and looks like it will be thick and I am looking forward to braids and curls and barrettes and ponytails! She has captured the hearts of everyone in our families and has been able to spend quite a bit of time with grandparents and some of her aunts, uncles and cousins this summer. She already loves to be read to and has quite the conversations with anyone who will sit and talk with her.
I have felt overwhelmed on many days. Not with how life is now so much as with the unspeakable blessing it is to be Emma's mommy. I have felt overwhelmed so many times that God chose me to raise this beautiful little girl and how I long for her to grow to know how much God loves her and how much He has already been at work in her life. As much as I want her to be happy and healthy and to follow her dreams and all of that I so much more want for her to know and love the One who has not only taken care of her thus far but who knit her together and created her to be exactly who she is. I sat one day and spent time praying over her and the word "joy" kept coming to me. Not so much to pray that Emma would have joy but that she does have joy and that joy is going to bubble up out of her and touch so many people and change so many lives. I could see her in a couple years running around and smiling and spreading joy everywhere she went and touching every life she came in contact with. May it be true. May God be so present and so real that His joy just bubbles up out of her and she shares it with all she comes in contact with. God truly has His hand on her and I pray for so much wisdom in raising her, that the same Lord who has entrusted her to me will enable me to raise her to be the amazing young woman that I know He is going to call her to be. She is a treasure, a gift, a responsibility, a blessing that I can not believe God has entrusted me with. I will and do love her with as much love as my heart can hold. We are truly a blessed family!

Emma Marlane - A Most Precious Gift

The Call. I lost track of how many scenarios played out in my head of where we might be when the call came, what we might be doing, if it was a good time for us or not or if we would be in the middle of something. When the call came though we were simply dishing up our dinner. The phone rang, I saw who was calling on the caller ID and all of a sudden I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer or not, I just knew, and in that instant of knowing every emotion you can think of flashed through me and in me. By the time the phone call was over the overriding feeling was one of shock. We waited for such a long time and at times it felt like it would never happen but then all of sudden there it was, everything our hearts had been hoping and praying for. Thus began a whirlwind of a week! Let me share with you the story of out little Emma Marlane and how full our hearts are of God's goodness, perfect timing and answers to prayer...

Tuesday, June 5th. The day we got the call. We were told that we had been chosen and that the baby was due on June 27th. The plan was that we were going to set up a time to meet with the birth family and get to know each other and see how everyone felt about the situation and go from there. (Before I go any further I want to tell you all that I am going to do my utmost to not uncover the birthmom (hereafter referred to simply as K) in any way, shape or form. She is a precious girl who needs lots of love and prayer.) We then received a call a couple of days later saying that the meeting was going to take place on Monday, June 11th in the evening and the birthgrandparents (B & J) would be there as well. So we had the weekend to prepare at least a little bit! Up to this point we had nothing except for a few sleepers and a play yard! We were feeling a little panicky and extremely overhwhelmed. I know without a doubt that God was chuckling at us! Chad and I are very similar and we like to have all of our ducks in a row and be prepared! We did a bit of shopping and lots of talking as we wondered about the birthfamily and the baby and what was going to happen and how we just felt like it was right. There were some circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and such that we needed to discuss but I know that for both of us we just knew this was right. On Saturday morning Chad told me that he thought we needed to go out and buy a car seat, just in case. Sears was having a sale too and so we went shopping again. The rest of that weekend was packed as we attended a party for one of our youth, went to church and were part of a photo shoot with our youth group. We had agreed to not tell anyone, except our parents, that we had been chosen until we had a chance to meet with the birthfamily. It was so hard not to say anything to our youth who have prayed for so long and been waiting with us!

On Sunday just before 9:30pm we received another call that truly changed our whole world...K was in labour! 2 weeks early! We might be able to bring our baby home the next night! There most definitely was no sleep for me that night! We called our parents again and then all of our siblings to let them know what was going on. That was fun! :) Chad went to work the next day instead of sitting around and just waiting and I did some running around trying to find more necessities and taking Finlay to the dog kennel. We were supposed to be at the hospital by 3 and of course just before Chad left work things kind of exploded there. Funny how that happens. He was a little later than planned getting home but we still made it to the hospital on time. Before I tell you about meeting everyone for the first time let me share a few things with you...

When Sheila, our social worker, called she told us that this birthfamily had requested to see profiles of Christian couples. That meant so much to me! A part of me had so been hoping we wouldn't be chosen because we have a dog or wear glasses or like to travel. I wanted it to be deeper than that and when Sheila told me I was so deeply grateful and it just resonated deep within me. Chad and I have both always known, although we never discussed it with each other, that our adopted baby was going to be a girl. Don't ask how we knew but we both did, and not just in the past couple of weeks but for as long as we have been on the waiting list and actually for me it has been for as long as we have been married I knew our first would be a girl. So of course I wasn't surprised when Sheila called on Monday morning to say the baby was a girl. She also told me that we didn't have to feel like we were going into an interview. Once you have been chosen the birthfamily has access to your in depth home study which means they know more about you than pretty much anyone else in your life. She told me they had read through it all and were in love with us and wanted to meet us. Another huge blessing! She also told me numerous times that because of some of the circumstances surrounding the whole situation there is no way the baby would be taken back. Wow! I had so been dreading the 10 day period where the birthmom can change her mind. Blessing upon blessing!

Monday, June 11th. We got to the hospital right on time and waited for a bit with Sheila downstairs and then she took us up to meet the birthfamily and the baby. We had no idea what to expect and yet I can honestly say that I had such a peace through this whole thing. Kind of like being in the eye of the storm when all around you is crazy but you are at peace. As soon as we walked in the room we all started visiting and joking around and laughing and there was almost a recognition of spirits I guess you could say. Birthgrandpa (B) and birthmom (K) had both been adopted themselves and almost right away B told us that he really wanted us to know that to them this wasn't "giving up a baby" it was presenting us with a gift. What an amazing gift! B had been holding the baby but he gave her to K and asked K to hand her to me which she did. The baby was beautiful! Absolutely perfect! Truly a gift from heaven above. Chad held her after a while and when he had her B asked Sheila to leave the room and he then did something I had so been hoping would happen but hadn't voiced. He asked if he could pray with us. He laid hands on Chad and the baby, I was holding onto Chad with one hand and K's hand in the other and B prayed a blessing over us and gave us his blessing. As soon as he was done I told him that I had so badly been hoping that would happen and he just laughed and gave me a hug. We talked about how we are all part of God's family, all adopted and just what a gift that is. It was like we were family in a strange kind of way. We ended up staying at the hospital for 4 hours. K decided to go home that night which meant we could bring baby home that night. We had to wait for the lawyer to come and for K and baby to be discharged and all of that. We spent quite a bit of time all of us in the hospital room together but we also let B and K have lots of time with the baby. I did have chance to ask K a couple of questions and found out that she knew as soon as she found out she was pregnant that she would be choosing adoption and when I asked her why us she said that a big reason was because I am going to be a stay at home mom and that meant so much to her as her Mom did the same with her. K was truly a sweetheart. I could have just sat and talked with her and hugged her and prayed for her.

Chad and I had a name picked out before we went to the hospital but I have always loved the name Emma. We kind of stayed away from it because it is always so high on the popular names list and we didn't want to use it because of that. A part of me though still would have loved to use it. When we got to the hospital and saw the paperwork that K had filled out she had put the baby's name down as Emma and it turns out it is also K's middle name! It was my great-grandma's name as well. So Chad and I talked about it and agreed to keep it. It is like it was always meant for her. Her middle name is, of course, my Mom's name and it is also my middle name. Quite often when an adoptive family changes the baby's name they will keep the name the birthmom chose as a middle name and when we told them we were keeping Emma as her first name they were so very happy and it made me even happier that we decided to keep it. Emma means "whole, complete" and it is so fitting as she has made our family whole.

The time came for B and K to leave the hospital and we again gave them some time with Emma. When they left we all hugged each other and K and I cried together and my heart broke for her as I watched her have to turn her back on this perfect little gift from above. What strength it took to do that! What love for her little girl! We left the hospital shortly thereafter and have been home with our precious Emma for a week now.

Until today I haven't really had time to sit and think and process and feel everything that has happened. It was such a whirlwind of events and there were people coming and going and we were taking her places to introduce her to people and I got quite sick and on and on and on. Today is our first full day home by ourselves and I have noticed a contentment in my heart that has been missing for so very long. I am a mom. I have a beautiful little girl who looks at me with her big brown eyes full of adoration and trust and I just want to be the best mom a little girl ever had. I think about my Gramma and how much she would have loved Emma and vice versa and how thrilled Gramma would be that Emma is named after Gramma's mother. I think of the miscarriage I had last year and how if that had never happened I would never have known Emma. Yes, I still wish I could have known that little baby but I know that baby is with Jesus and Gramma. I think about all of the tears and waiting and longing and praying and how they all just melted away when I held her in my arms. I think about how God's timing is perfect and I am blown away by His entrusting me with this little life. It feels in some ways like Emma has been here for so much longer than just a week and as I pondered that today I realized that it is because she has been in our hearts for such a long time. We never knew her but we loved her and were just waiting for the day when God brought her into our lives. I think about my husband and what an amazing Daddy he already is and how much his little girl loves him already and all of the special times they are going to have together and the relationship they are going to have. I think of dresses and curls and painted nails and teas and parties and cuddles and kisses and muddy handprints and giggles and poopy diapers and joy and tears and love and I am overhwhelmed. God is so good. So very many prayers were answered the day we got the call. So many lives changed forever. I already don't know what life would be like without my beautiful daughter and it is the desire of my heart to raise her to know and love and serve the One who orchestrated all of this. I also so hope that she and I have the same kind of relationship I have with my Mom. Emma is truly a gift to us all.

Please keep K in your prayers as she moves on to the next stage in her life and deals with the grief and separation this has brought. The family has left all of the contact decisions up to us and we hope and pray that sometime in the near future we can all get together and share God's goodness. They were so right when they said they were giving us a gift. How profoundly beautiful. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude and love to the God we all serve.

I am going to go cuddle with my beautiful Emma now and tell her just how amazing she is. Truly a most precious gift sent from above.

Update

     Just a quick little update to let you know that I heard from the agency and we are currently number 11 on the list! Moved up again! Our profile was sent out to a birthmom who has not yet made a decision and is still looking at profiles. She is due in July. Please keep her in your prayers as she makes what must be such a difficult decision. My heart goes out to these birthmoms who have to make what is perhaps the hardest most heartbreaking decision they will ever have to make. 

Holding Fast

"What happens to us is not nearly as important as what is happening in us."

     That was the first sentence I read in my little devotional book this morning and in a way I think I groaned inside as the devotion this morning was on contentment. When you are in a place of discontent in any way the last thing you want to read or hear about is how important it is to be content in whatever your circumstances may be! Of course for me right now it all has to do with longing for a baby. I was praying this morning and realized just how much of my life I have spent waiting and sometimes I feel like it was time wasted. When I really think about it though I realize how much God has done in me during that time of waiting, when I have let Him. I can fight it and spend time in self-pity but when I let God do what He wants to do in my heart the waiting is easier. Another quote from my devotions this morning...

"If Paul had to learn to be content (Philippians 4:12), it is not instinctive. He learned it by being harrowed and hard pressed, imprisoned and persecuted; for it is there you discover how real the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ is. Our reference point cannot be our circumstances. Our reference point must be Christ. Paul was able to live in any circumstance, because Christ was His strength."

     There is a part of a verse that has become my favorite in the last little while. It is simply this "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. When I am feeling down, in tears over waiting, longing to be a mom and in some ways grieving what hasn't happened and what I feel like I have lost, I repeat this verse out loud and it helps. Reminds me that I can have joy in the midst of trial and it isn't just joy but it is joy from the Lord and it is a strength that will carry me through.


     I am turning 39 in July and I know that is part of me having a tough time right now. Feeling like I am getting to be too old for God to add to my family and like half of my life is over already. I don't "feel" 39, whatever that feels like, but it is a constant reminder of how much my life is not in my control and how I really have to trust that God knows what He's doing because some days in my heart I feel like it's too late. I read a book recently though that really spoke to me. It was a fictional account of Abraham and Sarah and the promise from God that they would become parents to a son and how they waited and waited and waited. I was so struck by Abraham's faith. He has been an example to me for years and one of my favorite portions of scripture is in Romans 4 where Abraham's faith was talked about..."yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform." Romans 4:20-21 


     I find myself being more like Sarah so often. Doubting and laughing and wondering how God could possibly fulfill His promises when nothing has happened yet. I long to be more like Abraham. Not only did he hold fast to the promises of God but while he was waiting he gave glory to God! There was something that stood out to me as I read this book that I had never thought of before or heard preached about. I guess I never paid attention to the fact that Abraham and Sarah's names were changed before they had Isaac, from Abram and Sarai. It was almost as if God had to do a great work in them first, take them through desserts and such, work in their hearts and lives, bring them to a place where He could change them to be who they needed to be before He fulfilled His promise. Then He changed their names. Filled them with more of God. Fulfilled His promise. Made me think more about my own heart and life and what God may be trying to do.


     As I prayed and cried this morning words to a song came to mind and I am including it here for you to listen to. I especially love the bridge in the song. May I continually lift my eyes to the One who orchestrates, leads, guides, heals, corrects, strengthens and fulfills promises and may I learn what it is to be content and to have Christ as my reference point and not my circumstance. This I know, if I hold fast to the Lord, His joy will be my strength.

Adoption Update

We met with our social worker Sheila yesterday and we were so glad we did! I could have just sent in our paperwork and done an interview update over the phone but we met with her in person instead. It was so good to actually sit and be able to talk with her and ask her questions, but one of the things I appreciated most was that instead of asking how we were doing she told us how we are doing! What a change! She described it exactly, she understood and she was just so encouraging about it all. We have only moved up one spot since last time so we are now at number 12. The good thing is that she said with where we are on the list now pretty much every time there is a caucasian baby in need of a home our profile will be going out. That was encouraging to hear. She also said that updating/redoing our profile was "good luck". I guess we will see about that but it did feel good to redo it and give her brand new ones.


When she did the "instant placement" last week the birthmom she was working with initially got in touch with her on the Tuesday to say that she was due soon and needed to make some decisions so wanted to meet with Sheila. Then on Thursday she called Sheila to say that she had gone into labour and really needed to make a decision. So Sheila drove up there that day to show her some profiles. The birthmom chose a couple right away, Sheila called them at 4:30, they were at the hospital by 9:30, the baby was born at 11:30 and the adoptive parents took her home the next day. That's how quickly and out of the blue it can happen! We were so happy for the adoptive parents especially when we heard they had been number 1 on the waiting list for a while. Just knowing they were number 1 made us realize just how long they must have been waiting and we were so happy for them. Sheila did take our profile to show this birthmom, as well as some other profiles, and once the girl had made her decision Sheila asked for feedback on all of the profiles. It is something she typically does. The girl told Sheila that there was nothing wrong with any of the profiles but the one she chose had an extended family almost identical to her own and that was what had stood out to her.


Sheila did encourage us alot and just kept saying that it will happen and how much easier it will be for us in some ways because I am already at home and so there won't be as big of an adjustment when a baby comes as there is for some couples who both work. I am sure she makes all waiting couples feel this way but we left feeling like she is pulling for us and she will be so thrilled when it all works out. 


It was definitely a much needed visit for me. I needed to have that contact with an actual person instead of just emails. I needed to hear all the things she had to say and to realize that while we wait there is so much going on that we don't see or hear about. I left feeling encouraged and strengthened and excited and even more hopeful. Ever since I was a young girl I have wanted to adopt and yesterday that longing was allowed to show itself again and it just reminded me how much I do long to adopt and how it just feels like it is something we are supposed to do. Not something we are "settling for" because we haven't been able to have a baby but something that we were meant to do. Something that God ordained a long time ago and feeling that way just reinforces that I know and believe that His way and timing are perfect. The adoptive parents that I mentioned above told Sheila that all of the years of waiting just melted away when they held their new little girl and they knew immediately that she had always been meant for them. I know it will be the same for us.


A friend of mine is expecting her first baby really any time now. She has been praying her heart out for us and has been determined that we will have a baby before she does. She is still holding to that and has told me to brace myself as their baby will be here soon. Whether or not that actually happens it is just so good to know that we have people like her who are supporting us and praying for us. 


I am feeling a little better about it all right now. There is a little more excitement and I am starting to feel like maybe we should start looking at doing up a nursery and buying supplies. I won't rush into all that but I will keep my eyes open and just keep trusting and hoping.

Quick Update

I was hoping to have an update on our adoption for you today. We were supposed to be meeting with a lady from the agency just to update our profile and give her some more money and find out our status. I received a call this morning that went like this..."Hi Julie, this is Lauren from Adoption By Choice. I know you were supposed to be meeting with Sheila today but (and at this point my heart stopped) she isn't able to make it today as she is facilitating a placement and won't make it back in time." I so thought she was going to tell me that we didn't need to meet as we had been matched! Such a jumble of emotions I went through in those few seconds! So we are now going to try and meet with Sheila next week and after that I should have an update for you.
I realized something this morning when I got that call though. I realized just how desperately I want and long for this to happen and how much I stuff it all inside because if I don't it will rule my life and emotions. I have found in the last week or so that every time the phone rings I am almost holding my breath until I know who is calling. Very strange as I haven't been like that in the last two years but it has just started lately. It might be because we were going to be meeting with Sheila, I don't know. I do know though that even in our meeting today being cancelled God has a plan and He is using every little thing that happens to put that plan into place.
Today is Chad's birthday and I have baked him a rich chocolatey cake and have ribs on for dinner. Going to celebrate and keep trusting and hoping!