Longing...

I think that word best describes how I have been feeling lately. Overall I feel content with life. I am happy with where we are, have settled into living in our house for a while longer, love being a Mommy, enjoying summer, thankful for so much and yet I am longing. Longing for a few different things...

I am longing to hold my baby. Emma has filled our hearts and lives so much and up until a few months ago that longing was there but it was minimal. It has grown now and I so long to know who our baby is going to be and how God is going to bring it all together this time. I am at the point where being around pregnant women or women who have just had babies is tough for me again. Not that anyone would know because I have pretty much mastered faking it and would never ever want the women I am around to feel awkward or as though they are hurting me. I still am happy for them and love to see photos and such but the hurt and the longing is just that much stronger now. It's not something I openly talk about as the majority of people in my life don't understand and so it easier in so many ways to just keep it to myself. I have been praying that our baby comes home soon and praying that our hearts would be prepared.

I am longing for fellowship. This is a tough one. People can tell me just to find a church and get involved but we did that and ended up burnt out and hungry. It is so much easier said than done. I am longing for heart fellowship. Not just coffee time or play dates or movie nights or game nights. I am longing for fellowship with people who are similar in heart and spirit, who want to know more of God, who sacrifice for their families and put the interests of their mates and children far before theirs. People who have a certain standard when it comes to living in this world that may make them "peculiar" to others when they won't let their children be involved in certain things or when they themselves won't get involved in certain things. I wonder at times why it is so hard to find and have found myself praying that God would provide us with friends who have similar hearts and I am trying to trust that one day we will meet those friends.

I am longing to see Emma be healthy and flourishing and blossoming. No, she hasn't been sick as such but as her Mommy I have been watching her closely and could tell that she most likely has food sensitivities. We had her tested and my suspicions were confirmed. She tested positive to sensitivities to gluten, dairy, eggs, peanuts, just to name a few. We are starting her (and us really) on a new 'diet' even though it is more a lifestyle change and one that I hope stays. Her dairy and gluten sensitivities are super high, especially the dairy. We have done this change before for ourselves but eventually wandered away from it. It is a lot of work but once I get it down and figured out it will be good. It will be so wonderful to see Emma have energy and no black circles around her eyes and to see her skin smooth and healthy and her little tummy no longer bloated. Those are just some of the outward signs and I know as we see healing there that will mean that the damage done inside will be healing as well.

I have even found myself longing to challenge my brain somehow. I am not sure what that is going to look like, if it will be courses I take or different reading I do but I need to be challenged in something other than just life and so I am looking into different things.

I am longing for a closeness with God that I haven't felt for quite some time. No one to blame but myself of course! It takes work and time and I just haven't been spending the time that I know I need to. I could make a ton of excuses what with having a toddler but the truth is I just need to sit down and do it. In utter honesty and vulnerability though in some ways I am scared to because I know alot of things are going to come up and lots of tears are going to be involved. I will get there one day though and will be so thankful that I did.

In this period of longing I am so thankful that God knows the cries of our hearts even before we utter them. I am thankful that He understands and puts longing in our hearts for a reason. I am thankful that I don't need to explain myself to Him or to feel like I have to hide how I am feeling or what I am thinking. I am thankful that as hard as it is I can trust Him and trust that He is holding us and directing us and preparing us and drawing us. I am thankful for my home and my family and my health and for living in a country with 4 beautiful seasons and sunshine and rain and flowers and birds and giggles and love and hugs. I read in a book by Francis Chan recently something that is such a good reminder. He talked about how this life we live isn't our story. It's God's story. God put us here for a reason and it wasn't so we could just live our lives as we pleased and bring glory to ourselves. He created us to bring glory to His name and so the lives we live should be a story of the awesome God we serve and His goodness and mercy and love and forgiveness. Never bringing glory to ourselves but to Him alone. Hard to live out for sure but something to try and do.

Longing - a yearning desire. Overall it should be a desire to see God's will done in my life to bring glory to His name, no matter the cost.

What are you longing for today?