My Brave Girl

It has been quite a week in Emma's life. She has used a soother right from day one although we tried to limit it to sleeping times only. She knew when she got out of bed that the soother had to go up on her dresser until the next sleep time and she was great about it. I have been wanting to take her off of it for a while but it seemed like things were always happening that postponed that...moving her to a big girl bed and her getting her two year molars were the two biggest things. I couldn't bring myself to take it away right when she needed some comfort and security.

Well, she has been in her big girl bed for a while now and is doing great in it and her two year molars are all in so it was time. Chad is away this week so I thought it would a good time in case there were some sleepless nights ahead. Just like when I took away her bottles I started preparing her a while before it actually happened. Explained why it was going away and when. I also prayed with and for her every night that she would have the strength, determination and courage that she needed.

Monday morning she got up and we went right to the garbage can. She had told me numerous times that she wanted to throw her soother away herself so I let her. The look on her face when she threw it away and then closed the door was one full of uncertainty and insecurity. I jumped in right away and told her how proud I was of her and how brave and strong she was and gave her a hug and kiss. Then I gave her a cuddle blankie that I made with pieces from the bumper pads from her crib. She loves the softness of the squares and uses them to help her go to sleep.

Then it was on with our day. We had music class that morning so I encouraged her to tell Miss Debbie her teacher what she had done and Debbie was great about encouraging her in it. She also called her Gramma when we got home. I wanted her to tell people because she is the type of little girl who needs reinforcing by people she loves and it just fills her heart right up. We went to Toys R Us that day as well to buy her a special stuffy and she picked out a giraffe. She loves giraffes.

She has done amazingly well without her soother! Her naps have been a breeze with no tears whatsoever. Her first two nights there were some tears but they didn't last long and she never once asked for her soother. Tonight she is settling in with no tears. She is quite the little girl. I had prepared myself for tears and meltdowns and lack of sleep but she has been so brave and strong. I love watching it happen and knowing that what she is learning now is going to help her later in life. To say I am proud of her would be an understatement!

I will admit that I shed a few tears over it all. My baby is gone and in her place is a beautiful little girl with a maturity and understanding beyond her age who loves deeply and has such a determined and strong spirit. The time is going by much too quickly. As I watch her I can't help but think of the coming years and wondering what they might hold for her and when and how that determination and strength will be called upon. I pray that when those times come I have done my job to prepare her and teach her Who strength comes from and Who will carry her through.

I am so proud of my little girl and so love watching who she is becoming.

Quick Update

For those of who you may be wondering how things are going with our next adoption I thought it was time to write another quick update.
Last month we met with our social worker to do our one year update. She just needed to know if there have been any changes to our home, finances, health etc. It was a very short visit but we got it all done.
I checked in with the agency this week and we are currently at number 42 with 6 couples ahead of us on hold. So we should be in the 30s soon which is great! Our profile also went out once in September which is encouraging.
And so we continue to wait and to trust and to hope and to pray.

Weep Forward

I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that everything happens for a reason whether we ever see or understand what that reason may be. I had a week of that last week. Actually, I think it's been building over the last few weeks and just came to a head this last week and weekend. Let me explain...

I have really been struggling with not being able to get pregnant. Emma is older and we are on the waiting list and I will welcome any baby whom God sends our way but in a way I think I have been grieving not being able to get pregnant and experiencing what it is like and not being able to go through that journey with Chad or have Emma share in that excitement and preparation. It's been a long time since I have sat and cried it out and prayed it out and I knew exactly why I haven't and so was avoiding it, but this last week God, as He so often does, hit me right between the eyes with it and I wasn't able to ignore it any longer. A dear friend of mine who has been traveling the same journey of infertility and adoption told me that she is expecting. Let me first of all say that I am so happy for her and excited about who this little one is going to be but I did take the news really hard. This friend understands though and was very gracious about it and we were able to talk about it a little bit because she has been in my place so many times herself. At the place I was in on the day I received the news I will admit that I had a good long cry and how I have really been feeling came out. I have been angry with God, not understanding why the only thing my heart truly longs for isn't happening. I have been avoiding praying about it all and dealing with it because I knew that's how I was feeling and I didn't want to face it or talk about it. Hard to ignore when it hits you in the heart. I let everything I was feeling come out and said it all and didn't pull any punches or avoid anything. On this side of the news I see it as a blessing. As what I needed to get real about it all. Doesn't mean I'm not still dealing with those feelings it just means I finally verbalized them and now can work through it. I call this my silent grief but am learning I can't let it be silent always or my heart will burst. The next day I saw this quote on Facebook...

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Coincidence? I don't think so. I once hoped to be a wife. I am now married to an incredible man who loves me and takes care of me and is the best friend I have ever had. I once hoped to be a Mommy. I am now Mommy to the most amazing little girl who fills my heart and home with joy and giggles and hugs.

I was invited to a women's conference at one of the churches here in the city. It was going to be Friday evening and Saturday morning. At first I said that I would go for the Saturday morning but not the Friday but after all this happened I really felt like I needed to be there for the whole thing. Here is where a number of other "coincidences" happened or as I like to think of it, here is where God confirmed my decision in more ways than one...

As I left on Friday to go to the church I turned west. The sun was setting and there were clouds in the sky and there right in front of me was what looked like a pillar of cloud. Now I know we don't know for sure what the pillar looked like that God gave to the Israelites to follow but it truly looked like a pillar of cloud. You might be thinking this is corny but God has spoken to me through nature for as long as I can remember and I don't take things such as this lightly. Like the rainbows I saw after I took the job at the business where I met Chad. There was not one but two rainbows and I just knew in my heart that I was supposed to be there. So on I drove to the church. Now you have to know that I am not the biggest fan of women's conferences. I have been to some where it ended up being a weekend of frivolity and shallowness and so I didn't know what to expect. I had never heard of the speaker and all I knew was that the theme of the weekend was "Leaving a Legacy of Love". Well, the service starts, I enjoy the time of praise and worship and then the speaker, Kelly Minter, gets up and begins to speak on the book of Ruth! That has always been my favourite book and story in the Bible. Coincidence? Definitely not! And thus began a study of the book of Ruth from a different perspective than I have heard before and one that spoke to me in so many ways. I took notes but will just share what stood out to me.

On the Friday night she only worked through chapter 1 where Naomi loses her husband and sons and Naomi, Orpah and Ruth start heading back to Bethlehem. She shared on how the three women handled the situation differently. Orpah turned and went back where she was comfortable instead of walking ahead because she thought it would be too hard. Naomi, in bitterness of heart, walked forward weeping. Ruth, in hope, walked forward also weeping. What struck me were two words she said. She talked about how we need to "weep forward". Orpah wept backwards. She chose to stay where she was comfortable, where it would be easier, although not necessarily life giving or growth encouraging. Naomi may have been full of bitterness but still she wept while she was walking forward, back to the country of the God of Israel. Ruth also wept while she was walking forward, not knowing where the path was going to lead or what she would encounter but she still wept forward. It made me stop and think about my times of trial and whether or not I choose to weep forward or to stay where I am. I think I can fairly confidently say that I have always chosen to weep forward. At times I may have been like Naomi, bitter and broken, and at other times I may have been like Ruth, unsure but hopeful. But I have always chosen to weep forward. To walk towards the heart of God rather than stay where I am. I know without a doubt that I would not be where I am today if I hadn't chosen that.

Saturday morning of the conference was also good. It was broken into two different sessions. The first session was mostly about Boaz and while I enjoyed it and got lots out of it the first and third sessions were the reasons I was supposed to be there. The third session was about the kinsmen redeemer. I am not sure why but those words "kinsmen redeemer" when used in reference to Jesus have always made my heart leap. Perhaps because it speaks of a more intimate relationship, perhaps because it is more of a knight in shining armor rescue type thing. I don't know, but I have always loved hearing Christ referred to as my kinsmen redeemer. What really struck me in that session though were how things turned out in the end. As we know, Boaz married Ruth and they were blessed with a baby and from that baby came the father of King David and from that lineage came Mary the mother of Jesus. The study this weekend though focused more on Naomi. On her loss and her bitterness and her walking forwards even when in pain and then at the end of the book this...God not only blessed Naomi but He did the thing she was so scared He wouldn't do, He carried on her name, her lineage, her legacy. It seemed as though He had taken everything away, her hubsand, her sons, her hopes and dreams of a legacy, but because she wept forwards, walking back into the land of the God of Israel, He blessed her. God saw her bitterness, He saw how much she hurt, but because she chose to walk forward He worked and moved to bring about something that she probably only dreamed of and dared to hope for.

I am so thankful that when we are angry or sad or disappointed or hurt that God doesn't just leave us there but that when we choose to weep forward He draws and woos and works and blesses us. Doesn't mean the road is easy. Doesn't mean we don't still have to work on our attitudes and emotions and ask forgiveness. It does mean though that He is faithful and that when it feels like (as it has felt for me lately) God has taken away your hopes and dreams and prayers and deepest desires it just means that He has something else in store and while in the present you may hurt or be angry or not understand there will come a day when you will look back and realize that God truly met you on that road as you were weeping forward.

I don't believe in coincidences. I believe I was supposed to be at that conference this weekend. I believe that God met me there and spoke directly to me. I believe that He knows best. I believe that He understands my feelings and emotions and isn't offended if I am angry at Him. I believe He forgives when I ask for His forgiveness. I believe He meets me when I choose to weep forward.

Kelly ended the conference with this song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4bAca9GCmo

To learn more about Kelly Minter and her ministry go to www.kellyminter.com

May I always choose to weep forward.

Where's Thanksgiving?!

Thanksgiving is this weekend. We will be having Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws on Sunday and as always I am sure it will be a delicious meal and some nice family time. Of course we should always be thankful for the many blessings in our life but it is good as well to be reminded and to take a day to just be thankful. The problem I am having is this...where is Thanksgiving?!

Every store I walk into right now has Halloween paraphernalia greeting me at the door and aisles of decorations (skeletons, skulls, blood, gore, witches, ghosts, gravestones etc). We were in the dollar store yesterday and they have a whole aisle full of things just for Halloween. And then of course there is all the candy and junk food. Everywhere you look right now there is Halloween. But there is no Thanksgiving. You have to search high and low to find anything that has to do with it. When did the hearts and minds of society change so much that Halloween is foremost in thought and action and money? Why are there not aisles full of decorations and such that remind us to be thankful and to fill our homes and hearts with blessings and family and to be blessings? Why is gore and evil and darkness so prevalent and it seems as though Thanksgiving is just an afterthought, another dinner to get through so the decorating for Halloween can begin? And then there is the whole candy overload and sick children thing that truly makes me shake my head.

I really don't like taking Emma into stores right now. In her innocence she stops and stares in wide eyed wonder at the bloody skulls and glowing eyes and hanging skeletons. No, I don't want to keep her in a bubble but there is so much in this world that at her age she doesn't understand or know how to filter. She is a sensitive little soul. We are very choosy in what we let her watch on tv or with her DVDVs as she calls them because she is easily scared and there are even some kid's ones that I have had to put aside until she is older. How it must affect her little heart and mind to walk into these stores and be assaulted with so much ickiness!

Anyways, just a blog of venting. I will be happy when Halloween is over again for the year and I will admit I will likely take advantage of sales to buy Emma some dress up clothes and buy Chad some candy. I won't, however, be decorating and we won't be handing out candy. We never have and instead have chosen to have a night out or something instead. We will see what happens this year.

For now I am going to be counting my blessings and making a mental list of the things for which I am thankful and I am going to enjoy our Thanksgiving dinner with family. I hope you are able to take time this year to be thankful for all that God has done for you. For your blessings, your family, your friends, your homes, your health, life, love, joy, turkey, mashed potoatoes and pumpkin pie! There is truly always, always something to be thankful for.

A Time to Reap

Fall is in the air today as I take some time out to relax after what has been a busy week. It is supposed to warm up again for a while but there is a distinct difference in the feel of the wind and just the air outside. I'm not going to lie, I love it! Fall is by far my favourite season and I am never sorry to see it come. In preparation for fall and winter we have begun harvesting our garden and our apple tree. Some of the veggies will still be growing for a bit yet but this past weekend we harvested our apples and then I set to work putting them up for the winter. We were blessed with an amazing bumper crop this year and the final count was amazing! 14 jars of apple butter, 9 jars of applesauce, 3 good sized jars of dried apples, 4 apple pies and 1 apple crisp. And that isn't counting the apples we have been eating or the bag of apples I gave to my Mom. All from one little apple tree! It was lots of work but I know we will be thankful for it all in the middle of winter when we open a jar of wonderful apple butter or eat a warm pie from the oven. I was able to do everything while still following Emma's diet restrictions as well. No gluten, dairy or eggs in the pastry or apple crisp and the only sugar used was a few tablespoons of coconut palm sugar in the apple crisp. It feels so good to know that I am feeding my family healthy wholesome food!
Here is a look at the last few days...

Picking the apples. Of course someone had to hold the ladder to make sure Daddy didn't fall. :)

Emma thought this was pretty exciting to do. For a while...

Then she entertained herself by watching cartoons.

She was my taste tester and she loves eating "cimmanon" off her fingers.

The first of four dehydrators I was able to do.

For a few days the crockpots were constantly going with either applesauce or apple butter cooking away. The house smelled yummy!

 About half of what I ended up with.

The last crockpot full. Emma got in on the last of it all.

My 4 gluten free, egg free, sugar free apple pies.

Last dehydrator full. I showed Emma how to put the apples on the dehydrator and away she went.

We had so many peels and cores after doing hundreds of apples. If only we had chickens!

I wish I had taken a picture of our little tree when it was laden with apples. Some of the branches were touching the ground. What a strong little tree!

"The Lord is good to me and so I thank the Lord

For giving me the things I need

The sun and the rain and the appleseed

The Lord is good to me!"

A little sidenote and update on Emma. It is amazing what going off of foods that are poisoning your system will do! There have been some changes in her for sure and the biggest most noticeable one is her energy. She has so much of it! Yes, she is still napping and still really needs her sleep but when she is awake she is more energetic and chatty and happy and not as clingy. How happy my heart is to see her run around the house squealing. I didn't realize until she started doing that in the last little while how rarely she really did that. Now she is running around and squealing and giggling and just doing what a toddler should be doing. I may need to ask our doctor for energy pills for myself to keep up with her! She was also quite puffy and bloated and that has disappeared. Noticeably. My Mom, who hadn't seen her for a bit, commented on it when she saw her on the weekend. It is such an encouragement to keep on the road that we are on and to keep following this new lifestyle. I have found some great cookbookes and gotten good ideas and it really hasn't been that difficult. We even survived our first birthday party thanks to some cupcakes and "ice cream" that I found for her. I love seeing her so healthy and happy and filled with life!

Purging, Cleansing, Renewing, Healing

I have started changing over Emma's diet. This afternoon I purged our pantry of things she can't have and did the same with the fridge. I have been shopping and reading labels and looking up recipes. Yesterday was her first day and the rice milk and sunflower seed butter were a hit! Especially the sunflower seed butter as you can see...

My heart hurt for her when I saw she is sensitive to peanuts because she loves peanut butter so much! I thought she would probably like sunflower seed butter as it has a similar taste and thank goodness I was right. She calls it peanut butter still. :) We also made waffles that were gluten free, dairy free, egg free and sugar free and they tasted very good! The recipe made enough that I was able to put some in the freezer for her breakfasts.

We have been enjoying some of the veggies from our garden and I love how eating them fresh from our garden is getting her to eat more veggies as she will very willingly eat whatever is picked. Our carrots are almost big enough to start picking and we had to cheat the other day and pick some. They tasted so good!

I am feeling quite encouraged about doing this diet with/for Emma. I have found so much and am thankful that Chad and I have done something similar in the past so I have a good idea of where to start and how to do it. We have a couple of birthday parties coming up and I was able to find some cupcakes and ice cream for Emma that she is able to eat so that she doesn't have to feel left out. She is too little to understand. She may grow out of all of these sensitivities but if she doesn't that is totally okay. It is a very healthy way to eat. It may mean more work for me but as I get into the swing of it all it will get easier and just be a way of life. The hard part will be going to other peoples' houses and having people offer her yummy things that she can't eat. If you are reading this and know you will be seeing her please don't offer her anything with gluten, dairy, eggs or peanuts! She won't understand why Mommy isn't letting her have it. I will try to always bring food and snacks and goodies with me that will be just for her.

I am planning on doing this all with her so that she isn't alone in it and Chad is okay with it all as well. Yes, it's more work. Yes, it's more time consuming. Yes, in some ways it is sacrificing alot. But tell me, don't you think this cutie is worth it?!

Longing...

I think that word best describes how I have been feeling lately. Overall I feel content with life. I am happy with where we are, have settled into living in our house for a while longer, love being a Mommy, enjoying summer, thankful for so much and yet I am longing. Longing for a few different things...

I am longing to hold my baby. Emma has filled our hearts and lives so much and up until a few months ago that longing was there but it was minimal. It has grown now and I so long to know who our baby is going to be and how God is going to bring it all together this time. I am at the point where being around pregnant women or women who have just had babies is tough for me again. Not that anyone would know because I have pretty much mastered faking it and would never ever want the women I am around to feel awkward or as though they are hurting me. I still am happy for them and love to see photos and such but the hurt and the longing is just that much stronger now. It's not something I openly talk about as the majority of people in my life don't understand and so it easier in so many ways to just keep it to myself. I have been praying that our baby comes home soon and praying that our hearts would be prepared.

I am longing for fellowship. This is a tough one. People can tell me just to find a church and get involved but we did that and ended up burnt out and hungry. It is so much easier said than done. I am longing for heart fellowship. Not just coffee time or play dates or movie nights or game nights. I am longing for fellowship with people who are similar in heart and spirit, who want to know more of God, who sacrifice for their families and put the interests of their mates and children far before theirs. People who have a certain standard when it comes to living in this world that may make them "peculiar" to others when they won't let their children be involved in certain things or when they themselves won't get involved in certain things. I wonder at times why it is so hard to find and have found myself praying that God would provide us with friends who have similar hearts and I am trying to trust that one day we will meet those friends.

I am longing to see Emma be healthy and flourishing and blossoming. No, she hasn't been sick as such but as her Mommy I have been watching her closely and could tell that she most likely has food sensitivities. We had her tested and my suspicions were confirmed. She tested positive to sensitivities to gluten, dairy, eggs, peanuts, just to name a few. We are starting her (and us really) on a new 'diet' even though it is more a lifestyle change and one that I hope stays. Her dairy and gluten sensitivities are super high, especially the dairy. We have done this change before for ourselves but eventually wandered away from it. It is a lot of work but once I get it down and figured out it will be good. It will be so wonderful to see Emma have energy and no black circles around her eyes and to see her skin smooth and healthy and her little tummy no longer bloated. Those are just some of the outward signs and I know as we see healing there that will mean that the damage done inside will be healing as well.

I have even found myself longing to challenge my brain somehow. I am not sure what that is going to look like, if it will be courses I take or different reading I do but I need to be challenged in something other than just life and so I am looking into different things.

I am longing for a closeness with God that I haven't felt for quite some time. No one to blame but myself of course! It takes work and time and I just haven't been spending the time that I know I need to. I could make a ton of excuses what with having a toddler but the truth is I just need to sit down and do it. In utter honesty and vulnerability though in some ways I am scared to because I know alot of things are going to come up and lots of tears are going to be involved. I will get there one day though and will be so thankful that I did.

In this period of longing I am so thankful that God knows the cries of our hearts even before we utter them. I am thankful that He understands and puts longing in our hearts for a reason. I am thankful that I don't need to explain myself to Him or to feel like I have to hide how I am feeling or what I am thinking. I am thankful that as hard as it is I can trust Him and trust that He is holding us and directing us and preparing us and drawing us. I am thankful for my home and my family and my health and for living in a country with 4 beautiful seasons and sunshine and rain and flowers and birds and giggles and love and hugs. I read in a book by Francis Chan recently something that is such a good reminder. He talked about how this life we live isn't our story. It's God's story. God put us here for a reason and it wasn't so we could just live our lives as we pleased and bring glory to ourselves. He created us to bring glory to His name and so the lives we live should be a story of the awesome God we serve and His goodness and mercy and love and forgiveness. Never bringing glory to ourselves but to Him alone. Hard to live out for sure but something to try and do.

Longing - a yearning desire. Overall it should be a desire to see God's will done in my life to bring glory to His name, no matter the cost.

What are you longing for today?

A Week of Adventure and Fun!

Last week Emma and I went on an adventure. I guess it actually started a little bit before that on the Friday. Chad, Emma, Finlay and I all packed into our vehicle with a week's worth of supplies to go camping for just over a week. (A huge thank you here to my brother Lindon and sis-in-law Denise for the use of their trailer!). We did go to the lake with Emma last year as well but not for as long and she wasn't quite as mobile. I was so looking forward to getting out of the city for a while and we ended up having a wonderful time. It's surprising how much "stuff" I ended up having to pack for just Emma and I for the week! We managed to get it all in our vehicle though and there was still enough room for Emma's "guys" (her stuffies).

The weather was beautiful the majority of the time even if it did get quite hot. We had a way to keep cool though thanks to Gramma...

After a fun weekend with Daddy it was time for him to come back home for the week. Emma, Finlay and I stayed in Lindon's trailer and Gramma was in her trailer. We had a fun week filled with beach time, park time, a trip into Stettler for some shopping and just enjoying being in the peace and quiet. I was surprised that there was basically no one else out there and both mornings that we went to the beach we had it totally to ourselves. I so enjoyed not hearing traffic or horns or sirens! It was so dark at night as well without the streetlights. I have missed that kind of quiet.

 Every morning Emma would have cuddle time with Minnie and share what she calls her "candy medicine" (probiotics) with her. It was pretty cute.

 Playing in the lake. Always a little timid at first and then of course once it's time to leave she doesn't want to.

 Lots of quality time and memory making with Gramma.

 Swinging on the big girl swing!

 Eating half of one of Daddy's giant freezies. Yum!

 She blew it up by herself and she was quite excited about that!

 More lake time. She loved floating around and riding in Gramma's boat (kayak).

 Blowing bubbles!

 Down time in the trailer having a snack and watching a video.

 Off to Stettler for some shopping.

 Being goofy with the camera.

We also went to Red Deer one day where Emma had lots of fun playing with her cousins and with the bunny which she loved very much as you will see. She was sad to leave and waved and blew kisses out the vehicle window.

We got back to the lake just in time for a nasty storm to blow through. Emma and I snuggled up and watched a video and had popcorn while the wind blew and the rain came down and the thunder and lightning were crashing and flashing. Gramma was in her trailer watching the storm and said a bolt of lightning came awfully close to hitting the trailer we were in. So thankful for God's protection! Emma was so brave during it all and it was pretty precious when at one point all she said was "Hold Emma'. 

I gladly did so.

I loved watching Emma transform while we were there. She is quite timid when it comes to new things and especially if it involves getting dirty or walking through tall grass and things like that. By the end of the week she was running everywhere and her legs were scratched up and she would be so dirty by bedtime. It was so good for her in so many ways! I loved watching her enjoying and discovering the world around her.

It was finally time for Daddy to come back and that night we had a fire and she had her first roasted hot dog and Doritos. The Doritos were definitely the hit of the night!

We had such a good week and I am so glad that we went. It was a week filled with fun and laughter and milestones and making memories. I would definitely do it again but next time Daddy has to be there too. We missed him so much and it was just too long to be apart. 

Thanks again Lindon and Denise!!!

Say Cheese!

I have been wanting to do this post for a week or so now but wanted to wait until Emma's grandparents received their photos first. We had a family photo shoot with Grace from EarlGray Images back in June. She is the same photographer who did photos for Emma's first birthday last year. It was fun to do them with her again and I look forward to it being a yearly tradition. We were worried that Emma might not cooperate and play shy but she was all smiles and giggles and she asked for "Miss Grace" so many times after that day. It was pretty cute. It was a beautiful afternoon and Grace took so many beautiful photos. I won't post them all here but will try and narrow them down to my absolute favorites.

Here is the amazing family that God has blessed me with. My cup runneth over!

 Grace took a photo just like this last year as well. Fun to see how Emma has grown and changed!

 Oh but she loves her Minne Mouse!

 My precious daughter. More thankful for her than words could ever express.

 How I love being her Mommy!

 This photo is my absolute favorite. It brings tears to my eyes every time. Emma adores her Daddy and the feeling is most definitely mutual.

 Such a perfect capture of Emma's personality.

 I am going to have this one made into a canvas print. I love it. My Chad leading and protecting his girls. The tree planted by the rivers of water (you can't see the river in this photo but Grace was actually on the other side of it taking the photo).

 She loves to swing!

All photos by Grace at EalrGray Images

www.earlgrayimages.com