Piano Therapy

I played the piano this afternoon for the first time in quite a while. I love playing my piano (even though it badly needs to be tuned!) but there are times when it is much harder for me than others. My Mom knows better than anyone that playing my piano is like a kind of therapy for me. When I am going through a tough time it helps to get lost in playing praise and worship songs. There are times though when what I am going through makes it much too hard for me play because the hurt is just too deep or the tears are too near the surface. Today I just had the sudden urge to play and so I did and I so enjoyed it.


I am not the kind of player who can play in front of others and definitely not in church. I think at times that the gift I have of being able to play was given to me as a blessing for my Mom. She used to go lay down in her bedroom and I would play for an hour or so while she rested. It took me a while to realize that's what she did but once I did it made me feel good to play for her. I think of her every time I play and I miss playing for her. Chad hasn't heard me play many times but the last time he did he and Finlay just sat on the loveseat and let the music relax them. So I guess my gift can be used to bless him too.


I used to sit, when no one was home, and just play whatever my fingers felt like playing. There was nothing quite like sitting at the piano in the living room in our house in the country, with sun streaming in the windows and the birds singing outside, and knowing that the only One hearing me was God and it was at times like that when everything that was in my heart came out through my fingers. It wasn't something I could write down and it never sounded the same but it was like a way of praising God that just flowed from my heart. As I said, a type of therapy for me.


Today I played from some of my old songbooks. The ones with the good old praise and worship songs. You know, I really do like so many of the new songs that have come out and there are some writers who are so anointed, but there is just something about those old songs. Part of it is memories and sentiments but so much of it is their simplicity and yet their depth of feeling and meaning. I wish at times that we would sing some of the old songs. Here are a couple that touched me today...


I just want to praise You
Lift my hands and say "I love You"
You are everything to me
And I exalt Your holy name
I exalt Your holy name
I exalt Your holy name on high.


And....


One thing is needful, oh my Father
One thing is needful, oh my Lord
That I sit at Your feet and pour out my love
This thing is needful, oh my Lord.


There are so many more, so many that say it so simply and yet are so true. 


I am thankful for my piano, thankful for the lessons my parents let me take, thankful that it is a gift I can use to bless the people I love and so thankful that God speaks to me and brings healing and life and joy when I sit and play and listen.

Update

Just a quick little update to let you all know that in the last month we have moved up two spots on the waiting list! Slow but sure. So we are now at #32. Of course we could still get a call at any time but it is still encouraging to know that we have moved even a little bit.

Faithful

I have never tried posting a song before and so I hope this works! I bought a Steven Curtis Chapman CD today and heard this song for the first time. I cried all the way through it but at the same time felt like I wanted to be back in my meadow in BC spinning in a circle with my arms open wide singing this song. Yeah, it gave me that feeling, with tears streaming down my face. It speaks my heart and knowing that it comes from the heart of a man who lost a daugher in a tragic accident makes it even more meaningful.

Turn your volume up and feel the power and the assurance in knowing that no matter what God is faithful and that is an anthem that needs to be sung again and again!

Fill Me With Hope

I don't think is a coincidence that I decided to start out this year reading through a devotional titled "Fill Me With Hope". God knew I was going to need it to start the year with.


It has been a rollercoaster ride around here for the last couple of weeks. Chad and I had some wonderful news that we were just starting to share with everyone. We told our immediate families and were planning on letting everyone else know this week. We were pregnant! Finally! After 4 years of hoping and praying and trying we were going to have a baby! Then on Saturday I started cramping and bleeding and by Monday morning knew that I had miscarried. I was not quite 6 weeks along. Oh the emotions! The ups and downs in 2 weeks that we have experienced. It is an understatement to say that it hasn't been easy and would be a lie if I said that I am okay. For the most part I am. There are many things to be thankful for in all of this. I realize though that it's okay to let myself cry and grieve and miss my baby and acknowledge that there is a part of me that feels empty. Chad has also been struggling and we had a good talk the other night and agreed that we need to take the time to grieve but then we need to have hope again. We don't want to dwell on the sadness and disappointment of it all. This is what we want to concentrate on instead.....


We got pregnant! After so long and really feeling like maybe it couldn't happen and never would, it did! We will absolutely try again. Part of me is scared to try I will admit. I don't want to go through this again. I also realize though that I am not God and so I am not in control of what happens. It is my job to keep myself healthy and strong and to trust and have hope! 


All through this trial and sorrow there have been things to be thankful for: thankful that I wasn't farther along when it happened, thankful that my parents haven't left for vacation yet and that Chad wasn't away on a business trip, thankful that my place of employment is willing to let me work from home this week, thankful for my sis-in-law who has offered words of advice and encouragement, thankful for friends and family who are praying for us and supporting us, thankful for the way Chad and I have grown even closer together, thankful for a husband who knows to just let me cry and who hugs me and just wants to be with me, thankful for a puppy who keeps me company and is ultra sensitive to my moods and emotions, thankful for the sun that was finally shining yesterday.


I can tend to let depression get hold of me at times. It is something that I have never fully given into but that I know I struggle with and I have made a determination in my heart to not let that happen. My God is too big and too strong and too mighty to do that. No, I don't understand why it had to happen and yes, it hurts alot, but God has a plan and to that I hold and trust and have to believe. And so I think upon those things that are good and pure and true and lovely and full of hope. 


I would ask for your prayers as tomorrow we go for an ultrasound to confirm everything and to make sure that my body is cleansing itself. Pray for us as we pick up the pieces and carry on with life having loved and lost but being so thankful for the time we did have. It was a great two weeks and we are holding to the hope that God will allow it to happen again and will see it through to the end.


My prayer continually right now is that God will Fill Me With Hope.

And so another year begins.....

I made a determination in my heart last night. We were on our way home after spending a fun evening at my parents' place with my whole family and I had a little time to think on the 30 minute drive home. I started thinking about this past year and then about the year to come. I thought about how, if I let myself, I could be pretty depressed about this past year and the fact that I am still not a mom. The one thing that I so badly hoped would happen in 2010 didn't come to pass. But then I thought, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to focus on the negative. So I made a determination in my heart to think of all the blessings that happened in this last year.....


-A new member of the family was born, wonderful little Rhyan. So hard to believe she is almost a year old already! With Rhyan's birth the count in nieces and nephews is up to 14!
-Becoming involved with an exciting new church plant. Finding a church family where we don't just feel like we belong but where we are needed and encouraged to use the gifts God has given us and in that being challenged and growing and just wanting to learn more,.
-Time out at the lake with family, even though almost every time we went to the lake there ended up being a storm! My parents may want to rethink their invitation to go out whenever we want!
-A good friend, who is beautiful and inspiring, finally finding the love of her life after waiting for much longer than I had to. What a delight to see the joy, love and peace in her countenance, as well as the rock on her finger!
-Seeing 2 nieces and 1 nephew hit 'double digit' birthdays this year and one niece enter the teen years. What a blessing to have another year with all of them!
-God providing a new job for me that pays better, has great hours and consists of the kind of work I enjoy doing. And of course He provided it just when I needed it!
-Chad getting a well deserved raise!
-My Gramma finally having cataract surgery and, while she still can't read, her eyesight has improved. She is going to be 91 in 9 days!
-My parents moving into a new place that suits them and that I realized in a strange way feels like home. I know it is because they are there and they are the heart of their home but it's still strange to have a brand new place that I have never lived in feel in a way like home. So happy for them!


I am sure there is so much more that I am not thinking of right now. So many things to be thankful for and so many blessings to be counted. Of course I am beyond thankful for my own little family. For our puppy who some moments causes me great frustration but the majority of the time just fills our home with life and laughter and brings the stress down in our lives. For my amazing husband.....I was thinking this morning what a remarkable thing it is to have such security and confidence in knowing he loves me, he likes me, he wants to be with me, and he will care for me always. He is without a doubt one of the most amazing blessings in my life.


The most humbling, encouraging and joyous blessing in my life though? Knowing and being known by a God who sent His only Son to die for me. Knowing that His grace is sufficient. Knowing that even though I may ask the 'how' and 'why' of things it really doesn't matter because He has the answers and in that I can (should) trust. Knowing that He knows the deepest parts of my heart and loves me still and that because of that love He doesn't let me stay depressed or sad but at the most out of the blue moments He sends something or someone into my path to remind me again that He loves me, He understands, and He hasn't forgotten.


2010 was a good year all in all. There were tears and laughter, joys and sorrows, frustrations and victories. I am expecting the same of 2011. Perhaps there will be joyous news, perhaps there will just be more waiting. But one thing I know, no matter the year, the month or the day, my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is ever faithful and true. And so I look forward to this next year, to growing and being challenged and seeing God in the joys as well as the sorrows. I look forward to more time with family and friends, to seeing others start out on their own new journeys, like my beautiful niece Kayla who is graduating this year! I look forward to living in the promises of God that He will never leave me or forsake me. I look forward to the laughter as well as the tears because I realize what a huge blessing it is just to BE. To be living this life God has blessed me with, to be who He has and is making me to be, to be loved and to love in return.


Happy New Year to all of you! May the next year be filled with growth, with a new awareness of your many blessings and perhaps even an awareness of the many different ways you can be a blessing to others. 


God bless you in 2011!

Home Sweet Home

In the last couple of weeks Chad and I have been blessed to be part of an experience through church that has really touched us both. As Chad said last night "Everyone should have to do something like this". Crosspoint has chosen a shelter here in the city to support financially and in any other way that we as a church can. It is a new shelter that just this year has been granted permission to also be a warming centre which means they will open earlier and stay open later so that when it is so cold the homeless have somewhere to go and stay warm. The church has offered to help cover their extra expenses when it comes to their utilities for those months they are open extra hours. There is also a team from the church going there on the 28th to cook a turkey dinner for some of the needy families. Plus there will be gifts taken to the shelter. The part in all of this that has touched Chad and I so deeply is there was an opportunity to choose either a needy family to make up a hamper for or a homeless person to make up a backpack for. We chose to do the backpack. 
The man we chose is 43 years old and his name is Craig. We will probably never see him face to face and he will never know any more about us than that we go to Crosspoint and what our first names are. We were given a list of ideas of what to fill his backpack with. A backpack filled with warmth. So we went shopping. We bought a backpack, long underwear, a fur lined hat, fleece pants, mitts, undershirts, Chad went through his clothes and found some long sleeve shirts and a sweater, (a friend donated another warm sweater), wool socks, boxer shorts, shaving supplies, toothpaste and toothbrush, lip balm, lotion, deodorant, goodies like chocolate and granola bars, etc. We have put out quite a bit of money for all of this but it still doesn't feel like enough. 
If you are like Chad and I and have never worked with homeless people or had experiences with them you will understand when I say that as we shopped for all these items we were really struck with what being homeless might be like. It affected every decision we made for what we bought for him and we didn't really care how much it cost. As Chad said last night he feels bad doing it, bad because we have so much, so many things, we want for nothing. I was in Walmart yesterday looking for some decent wool socks that wouldn't be too itchy or uncomfortable and would still be warm and all of a sudden I just felt overwhelmed with it all, with what I was really doing and why, and I had to get myself under control because all I could think about was the fact that I was buying these socks for someone who has nothing, for someone who will most likely treasure the things we are giving him as we would treasure an expensive new car or house or computer or whatever and yet he will be genuinely grateful and not take it for granted. I could have just sat down right there and cried and prayed for him. 
I am going to wash all of the clothes tomorrow and make them smell all clean and fresh. I am going to enjoy putting everything together for Craig and praying over everything and pouring lots of love into it. My hope and my prayer is not just that he will be warm this winter or that the clothes will fit or that he isn't allergic to nuts but that it will all bring a smile to his face and a little joy to his heart and that he will feel the love that is going into it all and that he will know we are thinking of him and praying for him and that God loves him more than he will ever be able to comprehend. That when he is having a down day and feeling unloved and forgotten he will remember these two people whom he has never met and that they reached out to try and make his days and nights a little easier and warmer, that he will wonder what it is that would inspire them to do something like this and that he would find God in it all and know that God is there waiting for him.
On Sunday everyone who chose a hamper or backpack is supposed to take it back to the church where they are going to pile everything up and have some people pray over them, including some of the children and youth. Yes, I will be taking lots of kleenex with me! 
I would encourage all of you to take the time to truly be thankful for all that God has blessed you with. As I sit here right now I wonder where Craig is and if he is warm and if he knows that he is special and loved and I am so incredibly thankful for my quilt, my sofa, my clothes, my home sweet home.

Miracles and Thankfulness and How Great is Our God!

There are times in my life when it seems like God uses people, words, circumstances, songs, what have you, to get my attention and speak to my heart and that has been happening in the last few days.
The first thing was that I received a card in the mail from my Mom and on the front of the card it says "Every sunrise is proof that God is still in the miracle business". On the inside she wrote words of encouragement and love and reminded me that she is praying for me and hoping with me. It seems like whenever I am going through a hard time I never have to tell her. She just knows. And she prays for me. I am sure there is a lot in my life that hasn't happened or has happened or things I have been saved from and help that I have gotten that has all happened because she prays. I also believe that I will never know how many hours she has prayed for me. I do know though that I am so thankful that she IS praying and hoping and that she is such a huge source of support. Thank you Mom. Thank you for the reminder, for your words, for your prayers, for your love. Love you.
The second thing was reading a post by a young woman who is doing her DTS with YWAM in Mexico. Her post was titled "Turn that frown upside down". The whole post was so good and it was challenging. There was one sentence that jumped right off the page at me and the sentence was "I don't want to waste any more time complaining about the things that God has blessed me with". Ouch! It is so true though! How often do I let my longing to be a mommy and to hold my baby cloud my eyes and heart from seeing the many blessings I already have. Instead of living in the moment and being thankful and in awe of all that God has done I long and yearn and at times cry and get frustrated. May I not waste any more time! Instead of taking my blessings for granted and longing for more may I be so aware of this life I have and the privilege I have of living it! 
The third was a song that we sang in church this morning. We had communion in church today and it is always an emotional time for me. I love how we have been doing it there because the worship team leads us in worship and as we feel led we can individually go and take the emblems, spend time in private prayer and then partake as we feel led. It is a much more intimate time between us and the Lord, so very personal. One of the songs sung during that time is one of my favourite worship songs right now. The song is "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin. It was just such a strong reminder to me today that no matter what is going on in my life my heart can still sing how great is our God! I am including the lyrics here for you to read and to remind you that He is worthy of our praise, His name is above all names and that no matter the circumstances our hearts can sing about His greatness. 
As I head into this next week with it's stresses and busyness, and knowing that I am still waiting to be a mommy, I am going to try and remember all God has shown me the last few days. May I live in the awareness that God is great, that He is still in the miracle business and may I remember to be thankful for all His amazing blessings.


How Great is Our God


The splendor of the King, clothed in majesty 
Let all the earth rejoice 
All the earth rejoice 

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide 
And trembles at His voice 
Trembles at His voice 

How great is our God, sing with me 
How great is our God, and all will see 
How great, how great is our God 

Age to age He stands 
And time is in His hands 
Beginning and the end 
Beginning and the end 

The Godhead Three in One 
Father Spirit Son 
The Lion and the Lamb 
The Lion and the Lamb 

How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God

Name above all names 
Worthy of all praise 
My heart will sing 
How great is our God 

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me 
How great is our God, and all will see 
How great, how great is our God 

8 Months and Counting

I emailed the adoption agency last week for an update on our status. In the last month we moved up to two more spots! We are now at #34 on the list. It is encouraging that we have moved a little but I will admit that the waiting is getting harder. There are so many days when it just feels like it is never going to happen and I have to remind myself that God knows what is going on and He knows best. I find myself more and more waiting for the phone to ring, looking to see if there are messages, hoping that we will hear something soon. For the first quite a few months I hardly even thought about the phone ringing or thinking it might be the agency when it did. I am not sure when that changed but I now find myself hoping the caller ID will show the agency number or that my cell phone will ring while I am at work. It's been a little harder lately for me to be positive about it but I am trying. 


I have gotten a new job and have been so very busy in the last month which is actually really good for me when it comes to all of this. I can't think about it as much or sit and feel sorry for myself. Instead my days are full and lately my evenings have been as well with church activities. I am so thankful for all of that. Not just thankful for the busyness but also thankful for the little community that is forming and that we are part of. It helps so much to have support even if it is mostly through prayer. It is so true that unless someone has been through the infertility/adoption experience they can't fully understand our hearts in it all but that doesn't mean that they can't still pray for us and just be there. The kids in the youth group want an update every so often and they are all so excited. We are excited that we will have a houseful of babysitters. :)


So yes, we have moved up the list. No, there is no other news. Yes, it is tough and I can't think about it too much or I just get all teary. Yes, I know God is good and He has a plan and His timing is perfect and to that I will and must cling. I am blessed beyond belief in the life I already have and I am more and more thankful every day that God's grace is truly sufficient and that in Him I can trust.


Please though, keep praying. Not just for our baby and that it will happen soon but also for Chad and I as our hearts long to love our baby and our arms ache to hold our baby and as we dream and hope and at times cry and get frustrated and feel discouraged. I keep thinking that it will be like it was when Chad and I finally got together....the waiting is so hard and feels like it is taking forever but when it finally happens the waiting will feel like it was a blink of an eye and we will be willing to do it again because it is so worth it.

Psalm 51

Now that we are hosting the youth group and helping Ali (the youth leader) out we are also having to do the same "homework" they are. Which means we have scriptures to read and some to memorize. This morning I was reading a couple of the Psalms we were supposed to read and noticed something I have never noticed before. I was reading Psalm 51, the psalm David wrote after being caught in adultery with Bathsheba. There are some very well known verses in there that are also a well known song sung in many churches and I was just reading them kind of like 'blah blah blah' heard this a million times before. But then something jumped out at me. Here are the verses that are so well known.....



¹⁰Create in me a clean heart, O God,
         And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
    ¹¹Do not cast me away from Your presence
         And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
    ¹²Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
         And sustain me with a willing spirit. 


Wonderful verses. Ones that can truly speak your heart when you know that you need to be cleansed and made pure again when you have lost the joy you once had in knowing you had been redeemed and cleansed. It was the verse after all of these ones though that jumped out at me...

    ¹³Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
         And sinners will be converted to You.


How many times do we stop at the end of verse 12, end with asking God to cleanse us and renew our joy and then we go on with our days, our lives, keeping it between God and ourselves and not sharing what He has done and can and will do? Verse 13 tells us what the next step should be! Once we have had our time with God and feel renewed and strengthened we need to share that! We need to teach others! We need to share with others what we have gone through and what God has done for us and as we do that we will see other lives changed and new hearts created in others and they in turn can go out and share with people they know. 
Perhaps I am seeing more of this kind of thing because of the church plant we are in and the encouragement we are receiving there to share God's love and hope within our communities. All I know is that my view of those first few verses has changed just a little. It is an inward personal change to be sure and it has to happen there first, but once it has happened it is time to share that!
May I be more open to what God is doing in me and then in turn to sharing with those around me who need to hear the good news and find rest for their weary souls.

Ahhh Youth!

This past spring Chad and I committed ourselves to getting involved with a church plant here in Edmonton. We weren't exactly sure what that meant as far as what our involvement would be but we felt it was what God wanted us to do and we were excited about it. We hosted a get-to-know you BBQ, I helped plan a church/community event, Chad helped build portable storage boxes and we have jumped in to help in other areas. One thing that was really on my heart was to help with the youth. It has been so very many years since I have worked with youth and I have missed it. I got together with the youth leader from the church and we had a talk about it all. She is a great girl. She didn't go to CLBC but she was involved in other camps for years and there is just something about "camp" people that connects us all in a way that we don't connect with others and that has happened with us. She has an amazing heart for youth and is so very good with them! 


So, we offered our home for the youth group to meet at and last night we had our first ever youth home group. It was great! There were 7 kids which was great for our first time. What a fantastic core group of kids! They were all so comfortable and talkative and telling stories and willing to pray and share prayer requests and answer questions. It was so good to hear the laughter and see the smiles and listen to the stories. So very good to be with youth again. 


I am so looking forward to what this year holds. So looking forward to learning from these kids and sharing my experiences and lessons learned with them. So looking forward to watching them grow and be stretched, knowing that I will likely be stretched as much if not more than they are. It will be a good year and I am excited to see our group grow in numbers, in maturity, in our walks with God and our hearts for the hurting. My prayer is that they will find our home to be a place of refuge. A place where we can rejoice together and cry together. A place where they feel free to be who they truly are and where we as leaders are transparent and open and real with them as well. 


Ahhh youth, how I have missed you!

A Leap of Faith

Well, okay, it was more like a tiny little baby step of faith, but I did it! I finally bought something for our baby. Up until this point I haven't really bought anything. We did buy a playard pretty much right away but it is still in a box in the garage. For some reason I have had a really hard time buying anything. I have wanted to but I would start looking and feel overwhelmed. It is such a strange feeling to be buying clothes or anything for a little person that I don't even know when they will be joining our family and of course almost everything is gender specific which doesn't help any. 


Today though I decided that I needed to buy something and so I came home with a little package of 3 body suits and a little package of 8 washcloths. No, not much, but even buying that was tough for me. I was actually teary eyed looking at everything and couldn't think too hard about why I was actually doing it. You know, think about the fact that I am actually really going to be a mommy. I think there is a part of me that is holding back because of the fear of something going wrong and us not getting a baby after all. After 3 years of being disappointed every month it's tough sometimes to not just expect the same thing. 


I think I need to give myself permission to be excited! To anticipate and hope and dream and start a little nest for the new little chickadee that will be joining our family. Today was a good start.


Auntie V, it wasn't diapers and it wasn't much, but I did it!


And they are so cute!

Adoption Update

Good news and bad news.
Bad news first...well, maybe not bad but a little disappointing. We haven't moved up on the list at all since last time I checked. We were hoping we had at least moved a few places but nothing this time.
The good news is that they are already showing our profile! There is one birthmom who is trying to make her decision right now and has our profile as well as a few other profiles that she is looking at. It was a surprise to us and the reality of it all kind of sunk in. We could literally get a call any day and all of a sudden be parents! The other reality that hit me was that the birthmom is a real person with a real decision to make, a hard, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision. I have gotten emotional about it a few times and can't think about it too much or I just cry. My heart goes out to her, whoever she is.
If you think of us, and her, please pray. We know that the chances of her choosing us are just as big as the chances of her not choosing us and I would never pray that God make her choose us. I have just been praying that she will have complete peace about whomever she chooses. That God would lead her heart to the people He has chosen to be this baby's parents. We don't want to be chosen if it isn't what God wants and we know that He has a plan for this baby and that is the most important thing. It is exciting to think we may get a call but only if it is in God's plan and timing. So we will just keep waiting and praying and believing and living and trust that if this baby is to be ours God will guide this young woman to us and if we are still to wait then He will guide her heart towards another couple.
Still, yay that they are showing our profile and yay that it really truly is going to happen one day! I can't even think about finally holding my baby without just crying and know that it will be a joyful yet heart-breaking time.
So thankful I can trust that God has it all under control.