I was hoping to have an update on our adoption for you today. We were supposed to be meeting with a lady from the agency just to update our profile and give her some more money and find out our status. I received a call this morning that went like this..."Hi Julie, this is Lauren from Adoption By Choice. I know you were supposed to be meeting with Sheila today but (and at this point my heart stopped) she isn't able to make it today as she is facilitating a placement and won't make it back in time." I so thought she was going to tell me that we didn't need to meet as we had been matched! Such a jumble of emotions I went through in those few seconds! So we are now going to try and meet with Sheila next week and after that I should have an update for you.
I realized something this morning when I got that call though. I realized just how desperately I want and long for this to happen and how much I stuff it all inside because if I don't it will rule my life and emotions. I have found in the last week or so that every time the phone rings I am almost holding my breath until I know who is calling. Very strange as I haven't been like that in the last two years but it has just started lately. It might be because we were going to be meeting with Sheila, I don't know. I do know though that even in our meeting today being cancelled God has a plan and He is using every little thing that happens to put that plan into place.
Today is Chad's birthday and I have baked him a rich chocolatey cake and have ribs on for dinner. Going to celebrate and keep trusting and hoping!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A Precious Treasure
My Gramma was a simple woman. She didn't have a need for material possessions and in the last 10 or so years of her life when we would ask her what she wanted for her birthday her response would be that she didn't want something she couldn't eat or wear. In other words, whatever we gave her had to be useful and not just take up space and be pointless clutter. When she passed away there were very few material possessions for my parents to go through. She had the minimum of what she needed as far as furniture and clothing and in the last number of years she actually started giving things back to the people who had given them to her. Almost like she was preparing for when she wasn't here anymore. And she just really didn't have any need for it. She lived simply and knew that her treasure was in heaven and not on earth. There was something though that she never gave up. Her Bibles. When I would go over there I would read to her from a Bible that had her and Grampa's names on the inscribed on the front. I just assumed that Bible was the one she had used for years. Until she passed away. My Mom gave me a Bible that she remembered Gramma using in the mornings for her personal devotions. I remember the devotional book she went through year after year but I didn't remember which Bible she used. How deeply grateful I am that my Mom gave this Bible to me.
I am one who underlines and writes things in my Bible all the time and know that if someone were to read through it they would be able to kind of figure out what I was struggling with or what God was showing me or the promises I was claiming.I have been reading through Gramma's Bible and she had underlined verses and written things down as well. A lot of what she wrote was just a year written next to a verse she had underlined. Some of them I was able to figure out what was happening in her life at the time, others I don't know. When I first started going through it I started with Job and Psalms and it was as if she had underlined and highlighted things just for me. Almost like a roadmap. I know she didn't purposefully sit down with me in mind and do that and that she was going through her own struggles when she underlined but God used it to speak to my heart. It has been such a good time of seeing who Gramma was in her private times with God and to see how she claimed His promises and clung to hope that is only found in Him. One of the things that has stuck out to me is how she at times would underline just a part of a verse or highlight a whole verse and then underline just certain words. It has made them come alive a little more for me and made me want to pay even more attention to the details in what I read. Here is an example. I will write the whole of the verse as we know it and then write just what she had underlined..."And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Gramma's underlining simply says..."Seek, find, search, all your heart." It just breaks it down so well and tells you so simply what you must do...seek, find, search, all your heart. Again I see her simplicity in how she looked at things. There is a command in there, verbs, a direct explanation of what to do. Simple. To the point. I love it!
Then there is Psalm 23 which we all know so well. Here is what Gramma underlined..."The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down; He leadeth me. He restoreth. He leadeth. For thou art with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table. Anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I love the section where she just has underlined...He leadeth me. He restoreth. He leadeth. Such a simple explanation of what He does.
It has been a balm for my heart in some ways to read through Gramma's Bible. I think I have teared up almost every time I have read it as I remember her. This morning I remembered listening to her pray and how humble she was. Never demanding. Just in humility bringing her requests before her Father.
I am thankful for this Bible but I am even more thankful for how God is speaking to my heart through the things Gramma has underlined. So many of the same verses are underlined and highlighted in my own Bible and I love how God's promises are for everyone! How He speaks to each of us where we are at and how, when we seek Him, we see Him more clearly and just want more of Him.
A precious treasure, that's what Gramma's Bible is to me, but I know it wouldn't be the same if it was just some novel or cookbook. This book was a source of life and strength and hope and peace and joy to her because the Lord she loved so much spoke to her through it. I feel blessed and privileged to see into her heart a little bit more and am so thankful that even in this she is still being an example.
I am one who underlines and writes things in my Bible all the time and know that if someone were to read through it they would be able to kind of figure out what I was struggling with or what God was showing me or the promises I was claiming.I have been reading through Gramma's Bible and she had underlined verses and written things down as well. A lot of what she wrote was just a year written next to a verse she had underlined. Some of them I was able to figure out what was happening in her life at the time, others I don't know. When I first started going through it I started with Job and Psalms and it was as if she had underlined and highlighted things just for me. Almost like a roadmap. I know she didn't purposefully sit down with me in mind and do that and that she was going through her own struggles when she underlined but God used it to speak to my heart. It has been such a good time of seeing who Gramma was in her private times with God and to see how she claimed His promises and clung to hope that is only found in Him. One of the things that has stuck out to me is how she at times would underline just a part of a verse or highlight a whole verse and then underline just certain words. It has made them come alive a little more for me and made me want to pay even more attention to the details in what I read. Here is an example. I will write the whole of the verse as we know it and then write just what she had underlined..."And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Gramma's underlining simply says..."Seek, find, search, all your heart." It just breaks it down so well and tells you so simply what you must do...seek, find, search, all your heart. Again I see her simplicity in how she looked at things. There is a command in there, verbs, a direct explanation of what to do. Simple. To the point. I love it!
Then there is Psalm 23 which we all know so well. Here is what Gramma underlined..."The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down; He leadeth me. He restoreth. He leadeth. For thou art with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table. Anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I love the section where she just has underlined...He leadeth me. He restoreth. He leadeth. Such a simple explanation of what He does.
It has been a balm for my heart in some ways to read through Gramma's Bible. I think I have teared up almost every time I have read it as I remember her. This morning I remembered listening to her pray and how humble she was. Never demanding. Just in humility bringing her requests before her Father.
I am thankful for this Bible but I am even more thankful for how God is speaking to my heart through the things Gramma has underlined. So many of the same verses are underlined and highlighted in my own Bible and I love how God's promises are for everyone! How He speaks to each of us where we are at and how, when we seek Him, we see Him more clearly and just want more of Him.
A precious treasure, that's what Gramma's Bible is to me, but I know it wouldn't be the same if it was just some novel or cookbook. This book was a source of life and strength and hope and peace and joy to her because the Lord she loved so much spoke to her through it. I feel blessed and privileged to see into her heart a little bit more and am so thankful that even in this she is still being an example.
Monday, March 12, 2012
A Beautiful Day for Photos!
This week marks the two year anniversary of us being on the active waiting list for adoption. It is hard to believe that two years have gone by! In some ways it has flown by and in others it has been such a long wait. Of course we hoped to not see the two year mark, hoped we would have a baby before then, but apparently God has other plans. With it now being two years we had to redo our Intervention Records Check as well as our Criminal Records Check. We also decided that I would update our profile and have new copies made up. So all afternoon today I worked on updating everything and we will send it to be printed this week. We need 6 copies done, I believe, and we want it to look professional, as our first one does.
Yesterday, in preparation for the updates I was doing today, we went to a park and took some photos. It was such a beautiful day! We had alot of fun and just enjoyed the sunshine and spending some special time together. I thought I would post a few of those photos here for those of you who don't have Facebook. Look at how dark my hair is! Yes, that is my natural color!
Yesterday, in preparation for the updates I was doing today, we went to a park and took some photos. It was such a beautiful day! We had alot of fun and just enjoyed the sunshine and spending some special time together. I thought I would post a few of those photos here for those of you who don't have Facebook. Look at how dark my hair is! Yes, that is my natural color!
Friday, February 24, 2012
My Gramma
Last week my sweet Gramma went home to be with her Lord. She was mercifully taken in her sleep and in no pain. While the loss is heartbreaking and I am going to miss her so much it is good to know that she is with her Lord and Saviour where she longed to be.
My brother Mark officiated the funeral service and he did such a wonderful job. Gramma would have been so proud of him. When we went to the cemetery for the burial there was a small herd of deer wandering through and just as almost everyone except for a few of us walked away from the burial plot the sun broke through and shone on her coffin. It was such a God thing and so evident that He was a part of it all.
I am posting here Gramma's obituary as well as something that I wrote and shared at the funeral service. There really are no words though to say how much I will miss her.
My brother Mark officiated the funeral service and he did such a wonderful job. Gramma would have been so proud of him. When we went to the cemetery for the burial there was a small herd of deer wandering through and just as almost everyone except for a few of us walked away from the burial plot the sun broke through and shone on her coffin. It was such a God thing and so evident that He was a part of it all.
I am posting here Gramma's obituary as well as something that I wrote and shared at the funeral service. There really are no words though to say how much I will miss her.
During the early morning hours of Wednesday, February 15, 2012 Mabel Petty passed away peacefully at the Westview Hospital in Stony Plain, AB at the age of 92. Mabel was born to John and Emma McCutcheon in Ardath, SK. She was a loving mother, grandmother and great grandmother. She was predeceased by her husband Bill in January 1976 and her son Ken in July 1996. She is survived by her son Jim and his wife Marilyn, Don and his wife Ester, Calvin and his partner Linda, and Lindon and his wife Marlane. She has 12 grandchildren and 20 great grandchildren. Mabel grew up on a farm near Ardath, SK and after marrying Bill in 1941, they moved to a farm near Conquest, SK. There she raised 5 boys and was very much a helping hand in the farming operation. In 1964 Bill and Mabel along with 3 of the boys moved to Cranbrook, BC. While living in Cranbrook, Mabel helped run the family business, Petty’s Supermarket. After the passing of Bill, she spent her time helping at the Alliance Church and meeting with her very good friends. She loved playing word games and Scrabble was her favourite. In 2004 Mabel moved to the Edmonton area where she lived until her passing. The family is grateful for the care she received while at the nursing home and in the hospital. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations, if desired maybe made in Mabel’s name to the Gideon Bible Society and the MS Society.
Gramma
How do you describe a woman who in her own quiet way touched so very many lives? There are the typical words we could use such as daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. Or words to describe her personality such as loving, giving, thrifty, funny, stubborn, supportive, proud, beautiful and so many more and all so true. If you were to ask me though who Gramma was I would say she was faithful, a prayer warrior, a woman of God, my inspiration, my example, my friend. More than anything else in this life she loved her Lord and Saviour, depended on Him and was faithful to Him, and in that she was such a profound example to me of learning to trust in Jesus no matter what trials and hurts came her way. The road she walked wasn’t an easy one as she so often, it seemed, had to say goodbye to the ones she loved and as osteoporosis, emphysema and blindness stole her independence and crippled her body, but she knew to hold fast to that hand that would get her through. In the last 7 and a half years, as she went from being an independent woman to one who was dependent on a machine to help her breathe, there were days and moments when she struggled and felt useless and like a burden and just wanted to go home, but she still held fast to the Lord and trusted that she was here for a reason. She prayed, oh she prayed, she prayed for each of us all the time and there was nothing she wanted more than to see her family come to know the saving grace of the God she served. How her heart ached for that circle to be unbroken.
When I think of Gramma there are so many memories that come to mind - the time she and my other Grandma stayed with my brothers and me while my parents were away and they decided to make us pancakes only to realize after the batter was made that they had used my Mom’s plaster mix. Our whole family living with her in her little home while our house was finished being built and sharing a bedroom with her at that time. How excited even our dog Trooper would get when we asked him if he wanted to go to Gramma’s house. Going to her house on Monday nights to watch Little House on the Prairie or watching Wheel of Fortune and Gramma solving the puzzles before the contestants really even had a chance to ask for a letter . Oatmeal cookies, potato deluxe, cheese crackers and all the other food that I try to make now that just doesn’t turn out quite the same and I am almost convinced she left out a secret ingredient when she passed on the recipes. Seeing the pride in her eyes whenever she had her boys surrounding her. All those times when I stayed with her and getting up in the morning to see her doing her daily devotions and spending time with God and then as her eyesight grew worse reading those devotions for her and praying with her. How for as long as I can remember and as long as she could see she would stand at her window to wave goodbye as we left for home. I have so many memories, ones that fill my heart to overflowing and leave me so thankful that I knew her the way I did and that she didn’t just share her life with me she shared her heart.
I have discovered over the last few years especially just how alike Gramma and I were and how much she has passed down to me - her love of reading and walking and Scrabble and crossword puzzles and cinnamon raisin bread (toasted of course!). Then there are those similarities that Dad and I both share with her - stubbornness and a pride that keeps us from asking others for help (partly because we don’t want to burden anyone else with our problems), as well as a love for desserts and ice cream. In fact one of the last things Dad, Gramma and I did together was have ice cream, with Gramma savouring every last spoonful of her favourite, plain vanilla. But what I love and cling to most is the legacy of faith she passed down. When I would tell her what an example she was to me she would remind me in her own way that she was just a sinner saved by grace and that God was the one I needed to look to. True, and yet it was just that attitude that showed me even more who God was to her. I will always be thankful that we shared our faith and were able to pray together and love the Lord together and to know, when trials came my way, that Gramma was there praying for me and supporting me.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents. I watched as you gave of your time, love and finances selflessly and willingly so that Gramma would be comfortable the last 7 and a half years and know she was loved and cared for. Thank you for taking on that responsibility and essentially putting your own lives on hold. I know you felt that it wasn’t just what you had to do but that you wanted to do it to give back some of what she had given you and that you did it without a thought and with so much love in your hearts for her. Gramma said to me so many times that she didn’t know what she would have done without you and how thankful she was. You poured your lives into her especially in the last 5 or so months without a thought to your own cares or concerns and I know she appreciated that more than she would have ever been able to express. Thank you for being an example of what selfless giving and caring is. I pray that the Lord blesses you abundantly and that He fills the emptiness Gramma’s passing has left in your hearts with much peace and joy and the assurance that you have done well.
As I write this I can’t help but think how difficult it is to explain to someone how a woman like my Gramma impacted my life, how much I loved her and how desperately I will miss her. Gramma was truly a special woman, one who touched more hearts than any of us will probably ever know. I will always be so thankful for the amazing blessing and privilege of being not just her granddaughter but also her friend and sister in Christ. I am going to miss her and our times together but I am so thankful and filled with peace just knowing that she is free from pain, she can breathe and see, she is where her heart longed to be for so many years and I am sure that when she entered God’s presence she heard those words we all hope to hear “Well done thou good and faithful servant”.
Gramma is home, she is with her Lord, her journey on this earth is done and we are all the better for having known and loved her and having been loved by her.
And so now it is my turn to stand and wave goodbye.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
79% and 14!
It has been a good week! There has been good news all around and I am feeling encouraged and ready to just keep pushing on.
I had my reassessment done at the clinic I have been going to and there has been a 79% improvement in my health! That is huge! I can feel it and let me tell you that it feels great to have energy again and to be able to handle situations without having a mini breakdown. God is good! I am so thankful for the clinic and everyone there and thankful for how God has used it all to strengthen my body and mind. The other good news is that because I have progressed so well the doctor thinks that she can now begin to concentrate more on the infertility issue! She wanted to get me healthy first and see how well I responded to everything and now that I am pretty much back to "normal" she is ready to treat the infertility more specifically. So perhaps we will end up being able to have a baby yet, but even if we don't it is just so wonderful to feel like myself again and to know that no matter how a baby joins our family I will have the strength and energy to be the mom I want to be.
The other good news is that we are now number 14 on the waiting list! That is including matches or holds that are ahead of us so if any of those fall through we could move back down one or two spots but still! This time last month we were at number 18! That is a huge jump!
It's the first time in a while that I have felt encouraged about all the 'baby stuff'. I am feeling a little more optimistic that something may actually happen this year and actually feeling a little excited now.
Keep praying though!
One of the girls in our home group is expecting a baby in May and she keeps telling me that she is positive I will either have a baby in my arms or belly by the time she has her little girl because she wants us to do the baby thing together. Her optimism is actually a blessing to me as she refuses to think it won't happen this year. We are blessed to be surrounded by people who are optimistic and supportive and praying for us!
I had my reassessment done at the clinic I have been going to and there has been a 79% improvement in my health! That is huge! I can feel it and let me tell you that it feels great to have energy again and to be able to handle situations without having a mini breakdown. God is good! I am so thankful for the clinic and everyone there and thankful for how God has used it all to strengthen my body and mind. The other good news is that because I have progressed so well the doctor thinks that she can now begin to concentrate more on the infertility issue! She wanted to get me healthy first and see how well I responded to everything and now that I am pretty much back to "normal" she is ready to treat the infertility more specifically. So perhaps we will end up being able to have a baby yet, but even if we don't it is just so wonderful to feel like myself again and to know that no matter how a baby joins our family I will have the strength and energy to be the mom I want to be.
The other good news is that we are now number 14 on the waiting list! That is including matches or holds that are ahead of us so if any of those fall through we could move back down one or two spots but still! This time last month we were at number 18! That is a huge jump!
It's the first time in a while that I have felt encouraged about all the 'baby stuff'. I am feeling a little more optimistic that something may actually happen this year and actually feeling a little excited now.
Keep praying though!
One of the girls in our home group is expecting a baby in May and she keeps telling me that she is positive I will either have a baby in my arms or belly by the time she has her little girl because she wants us to do the baby thing together. Her optimism is actually a blessing to me as she refuses to think it won't happen this year. We are blessed to be surrounded by people who are optimistic and supportive and praying for us!
Monday, January 16, 2012
I Still Believe
It has been 5 years this month since Chad and I started trying to add to our family. It was tough to see this last year come and go and still have nothing happen. Of course we are hoping and praying that this year holds beautiful news and that our arms and heart will be filled! I struggled a little bit this month and was tempted to start asking the 'why?' questions. Every time that happens though I think about a quote I once heard about us not having the right to ask why every time sorrow comes our way unless we also ask why for every joy that comes our way. What makes us think and feel as though we do or don't 'deserve' something? Why do we think we 'deserve' good things but not bad? If everything were giggles and sunshine all of the time we would never grow or learn or be able to empathize with others.
God is so very good at giving me reminders and showing me things and I am so thankful that I am aware enough to catch them. I am sure there are many that go by without me seeing them but it seems as though lately there has been so much come my way that just helps me know God is there and knows exactly what is going on. In all of this waiting for a baby the question that comes up over and over again is 'when'? When will it happen? I had a great reminder on the weekend of God's perfect timing...
My Gramma ended up in the hospital in September and never did move back to her apartment as she isn't well enough to be independent anymore. She was in the hospital for quite some time and then in a temporary nursing home. My parents have been driving into the city to be with her. Every day for 4 months one or the other or both of them were driving into the city to see her. That means a 40 minute trip one way, every day, for 4 months. We have been blessed with an amazing winter and they didn't have to put up with winter driving, which was a huge blessing! This past Friday Gramma was finally moved to her brand new nursing home that is only 15 minutes from my parents' house and what happened on Saturday? It snowed and the temperatures plummeted and winter is now most definitely here! Some people may say it is just a coincidence but when it comes to God and His timing there is no such thing as coincidence! It was such a great reminder to me that God really does know what He is doing and even though it seems as though He is slow or that He has forgotten we need to remember that He knows exactly what is going on. He is orchestrating everything behind the scenes and we just need to continue to trust.
So as I wait (and some days the waiting is so hard it hurts) I will try to remember that God truly does know what He is doing and that He hasn't forgotten and that His timing is perfect.
And as I wait I will choose to still believe...
God is so very good at giving me reminders and showing me things and I am so thankful that I am aware enough to catch them. I am sure there are many that go by without me seeing them but it seems as though lately there has been so much come my way that just helps me know God is there and knows exactly what is going on. In all of this waiting for a baby the question that comes up over and over again is 'when'? When will it happen? I had a great reminder on the weekend of God's perfect timing...
My Gramma ended up in the hospital in September and never did move back to her apartment as she isn't well enough to be independent anymore. She was in the hospital for quite some time and then in a temporary nursing home. My parents have been driving into the city to be with her. Every day for 4 months one or the other or both of them were driving into the city to see her. That means a 40 minute trip one way, every day, for 4 months. We have been blessed with an amazing winter and they didn't have to put up with winter driving, which was a huge blessing! This past Friday Gramma was finally moved to her brand new nursing home that is only 15 minutes from my parents' house and what happened on Saturday? It snowed and the temperatures plummeted and winter is now most definitely here! Some people may say it is just a coincidence but when it comes to God and His timing there is no such thing as coincidence! It was such a great reminder to me that God really does know what He is doing and even though it seems as though He is slow or that He has forgotten we need to remember that He knows exactly what is going on. He is orchestrating everything behind the scenes and we just need to continue to trust.
So as I wait (and some days the waiting is so hard it hurts) I will try to remember that God truly does know what He is doing and that He hasn't forgotten and that His timing is perfect.
And as I wait I will choose to still believe...
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thought for the Day
Finlay and I just got back from taking our daily walk. I so enjoy our walks and spend time thinking or praying or listening to music or all of the above at once. This was my thought for today - but first let me give you some details -
For those of you not in Edmonton I will let you know that our winter has been very strange. We have had very little snow, most of which has melted, we have had many days where the temperature has been above freezing and we have even had rain. Usually we have a lot more snow than we do now and it is much colder. I am not complaining mind you, it is much easier to get through a winter like this (although I know at any time we could get a huge dump of snow and be very cold). It makes it so nice for going for walks except for one thing, ICE. With our little bit of snow melting and then rain and then freezing again it makes for some rather treacherous ice patches on sidewalks and paths. As I was walking along today these thoughts came to mind...
I was thinking about how so often we go through life without a care in the world but with our eyes still taking in our periphery, watching for dangers or things out of place (like keeping an eye on Finlay to make sure he doesn't eat something he shouldn't) when up ahead we see an icy patch. I don't have a very good history with ice. I have fallen and hurt myself and so probably look a little funny when I am walking on it as I so don't want to fall again. When we get to those icy patches on the road what do we do? Do we approach with caution and carefully walk our way through, paying attention and so getting to the other side safely? Or do we throw caution to the wind and rush ahead and perhaps fall flat? Do we say a little prayer that we get to the other side safely or do we think we can just do it on our own? I know there are gaps in this little analogy because there are so many different ways of approaching the ice but the point is - are we really paying attention to the road we are on? When and if we do stumble and fall do we pick ourselves up and use a little more caution the next time or do we forget about the lessons learned and forge on again or do we even lay there and blame the ice for making us fall?
I am so thankful that as I walk this road God has me on that He is walking with me. I am so thankful that when I get to those icy patches I can ask Him to get me through safely and I know He will answer. There may be times when I stumble and fall but through all of that God is still there and, as long as I am looking to Him, He doesn't let me stay fallen but He lifts me up and encourages me to keep on.
I had a Bible verse/song come to mind as I was thinking about this that I haven't sung in years and I will end my little 'thought for the day' with it.
For those of you not in Edmonton I will let you know that our winter has been very strange. We have had very little snow, most of which has melted, we have had many days where the temperature has been above freezing and we have even had rain. Usually we have a lot more snow than we do now and it is much colder. I am not complaining mind you, it is much easier to get through a winter like this (although I know at any time we could get a huge dump of snow and be very cold). It makes it so nice for going for walks except for one thing, ICE. With our little bit of snow melting and then rain and then freezing again it makes for some rather treacherous ice patches on sidewalks and paths. As I was walking along today these thoughts came to mind...
I was thinking about how so often we go through life without a care in the world but with our eyes still taking in our periphery, watching for dangers or things out of place (like keeping an eye on Finlay to make sure he doesn't eat something he shouldn't) when up ahead we see an icy patch. I don't have a very good history with ice. I have fallen and hurt myself and so probably look a little funny when I am walking on it as I so don't want to fall again. When we get to those icy patches on the road what do we do? Do we approach with caution and carefully walk our way through, paying attention and so getting to the other side safely? Or do we throw caution to the wind and rush ahead and perhaps fall flat? Do we say a little prayer that we get to the other side safely or do we think we can just do it on our own? I know there are gaps in this little analogy because there are so many different ways of approaching the ice but the point is - are we really paying attention to the road we are on? When and if we do stumble and fall do we pick ourselves up and use a little more caution the next time or do we forget about the lessons learned and forge on again or do we even lay there and blame the ice for making us fall?
I am so thankful that as I walk this road God has me on that He is walking with me. I am so thankful that when I get to those icy patches I can ask Him to get me through safely and I know He will answer. There may be times when I stumble and fall but through all of that God is still there and, as long as I am looking to Him, He doesn't let me stay fallen but He lifts me up and encourages me to keep on.
I had a Bible verse/song come to mind as I was thinking about this that I haven't sung in years and I will end my little 'thought for the day' with it.
"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord;
and he delighteth in his way.
Though he stumble though he fall he will not be cast down
for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand.
With His hand, with His hand, for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand.
Though he stumble though he fall he will not be cast down
for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand."
Psalm 37:23-24
Friday, December 30, 2011
She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life...
The above words were taken from something that was shared by a friend of ours at his mother-in-law's funeral service. It was a service that I would have loved to have been at but I wasn't able to make it home (BC) to attend. I am very thankful for technology as I was able to watch a video of the funeral. Ruth was an amazing woman and had the ultimate gift of hospitality. Brian (her son-in-law) was talking about how it says in the Bible that we are to be living epistles and how Ruth didn't have a sermon or a teaching but she had her life. And what an epistle it was! The legacy she has left behind is incredible and she touched more lives than almost anyone else I know. Her passing put me in a reflective frame of mind for a couple of weeks, brought back so many memories and just kind of made me take a look at things in a way that I haven't for a while. What did I come up with in those times of reflection? Well, there were tears of course, thankfulness for having been one of the many hearts and lives she touched, memories of good times and bad, a feeling of gratefulness for having been raised the way I was and being allowed the privilege of knowing people like her because of that. There was also a lot of pondering and questioning. Pondering the things I learned growing up and questioning some things that my heart has been struggling with. Did I come up with answers? No, not really, but I may never have the answers, which makes following after Jesus the mysterious adventure that it is.
I am going to share some of my ponderings with you in the hopes that perhaps it will make you think as well and take a look at your life and heart and those around you. And if it doesn't that's fine too.
I have had so many verses going through my head...
Micah 6:8 - He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Psalm 84:11 - For the Lord God is a sun and shield, He gives grace and glory. No good thing does He withhold from them that walk uprightly.
1st Thessalonians 5:22 - But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.
1st Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals".
My questions have arisen from thinking about these verses and from different quotes that come to mind such as "Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out" and one I read recently in a book and it was along the lines of how you should surround yourself with people that you want to be like, ie: spiritual mentor type people. So all of this has raised questions for me. What does it mean to do justly and love mercy? To walk humbly and uprightly? What does it mean to be like Jesus? When I really think about it all more though the real question for me isn't 'What does it mean?' but 'What does it look like?'. What does walking in humility and uprightness look like? What does it really look like to be like Jesus? What, in this day and age we live in, is considered evil and what is good and why has it changed? What is considered bad company and why does it seem like 'good morals' are so hard to find?
Growing up we had many things said about us as a family, one of which came up over and over again. We were told we were too legalistic. Now I admit that in some ways perhaps we were and my viewpoint on some issues has changed as I have gotten older but what I am seeing more and more is that even if you just have good strong morals these days you are considered to be legalistic. We are told to be tolerant, to be open first and ask questions later, to join in and do what we need to do to make unbelievers feel comfortable. So here's another question - where do we draw the line? When does making someone feel "comfortable" become us condoning what they do? When does us being tolerant of bad morals and decisions turn into us being seen as no different than anyone else? Romans 12:2 comes to mind - "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." It makes my heart sad to see how so many of us have and are conforming and giving in a little at a time and thinking that it's okay. For me this is where the quote about surrounding yourself with people you want to be like comes in.
I have thought about that, am I surrounding myself with people that I want to be like? The answer at this point in my life, sadly, is no. I do have a few people like my Mom and Gramma and my brother but that is really about it. There have been people in the past. There have been people that have touched my life in profound ways, who have shown me God and so many times it wasn't through sermons or teachings but just by living their lives as unto the Lord and being those living epistles. There have been others who God spoke through whether in sermon or song or prayer or just sharing their hearts. I'm not saying that there isn't anyone around me who doesn't long to live for Christ and to follow after Him because I know many people who have good hearts and intentions and want to do what is right and good. I think in some ways I was spoiled growing up. I had the privilege of being in meetings where the presence of God was so strong all you could do was weep and pray and worship. I am hard pressed now to find a place where that happens. Hard pressed to find a place where the Holy Spirit is allowed to move and work and where total control is given over to God. I get frustrated at times and then keep myself in check and remind myself that what I experienced in the past is passed. But is it? Does not God remain the same day after day? Isn't it us who change over time? Is it wrong of me to long for His presence again? To see lives changed not as we are 'open' and 'tolerant' but as we refuse to give in and conform to what is expected of us? I think there is a fine line between being legalistic and walking uprightly. If you take walking uprightly too far you fall into legalism and then it all becomes rules and no love. If you try to walk uprightly you may be ridiculed for it, called legalistic even, or a party pooper or a stick in the mud or what have you.
I could go on and on about all of this. It is something that I wrestle with even as Chad and I lead the youth in our home. How my heart longs for them to know the height and depth of God's love but also to truly feel His presence, to understand what it means to be led by the Spirit, something that I have tasted but haven't fully grasped. To know that there is so much more.
I have been blessed. So very blessed. I grew up surrounded by people that, even if at times they were led astray by emotions or just being human, so longed after the heart of God that it changed my life. I long to be back there at times and yet I know that I didn't leave God there. He is here with me now. He lives in me and His Spirit cries out within me for hearts that refuse to be conformed to this world, who refuse to compromise, who long to be transformed and renewed. I feel at times like I am stifled. Like I can't be who God has called me to be. Like I can't share all that I have learned and know and had revealed. I know though that some of that stifling comes from myself. From the fear of once again being called legalistic or intolerant or self-righteous. Oh that I may have the grace to speak in love when the Spirit prompts and to leave the results in the Lord's hands.
Wow, a lot has come out of my few weeks of pondering! I have realized how far I have conformed in some ways and how much I have given up and how I am not even close to being perfect and so far from being like Jesus. I have seen how my heart truly longs for more than I am receiving and longs for it because I know there is more. I have tasted it, felt it, breathed it, been blessed with the privilege of partaking and receiving.
I long to be one of those people that when I pass away it is also said of me "She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life.".
I am going to share some of my ponderings with you in the hopes that perhaps it will make you think as well and take a look at your life and heart and those around you. And if it doesn't that's fine too.
I have had so many verses going through my head...
Micah 6:8 - He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Psalm 84:11 - For the Lord God is a sun and shield, He gives grace and glory. No good thing does He withhold from them that walk uprightly.
1st Thessalonians 5:22 - But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.
1st Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals".
My questions have arisen from thinking about these verses and from different quotes that come to mind such as "Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out" and one I read recently in a book and it was along the lines of how you should surround yourself with people that you want to be like, ie: spiritual mentor type people. So all of this has raised questions for me. What does it mean to do justly and love mercy? To walk humbly and uprightly? What does it mean to be like Jesus? When I really think about it all more though the real question for me isn't 'What does it mean?' but 'What does it look like?'. What does walking in humility and uprightness look like? What does it really look like to be like Jesus? What, in this day and age we live in, is considered evil and what is good and why has it changed? What is considered bad company and why does it seem like 'good morals' are so hard to find?
Growing up we had many things said about us as a family, one of which came up over and over again. We were told we were too legalistic. Now I admit that in some ways perhaps we were and my viewpoint on some issues has changed as I have gotten older but what I am seeing more and more is that even if you just have good strong morals these days you are considered to be legalistic. We are told to be tolerant, to be open first and ask questions later, to join in and do what we need to do to make unbelievers feel comfortable. So here's another question - where do we draw the line? When does making someone feel "comfortable" become us condoning what they do? When does us being tolerant of bad morals and decisions turn into us being seen as no different than anyone else? Romans 12:2 comes to mind - "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." It makes my heart sad to see how so many of us have and are conforming and giving in a little at a time and thinking that it's okay. For me this is where the quote about surrounding yourself with people you want to be like comes in.
I have thought about that, am I surrounding myself with people that I want to be like? The answer at this point in my life, sadly, is no. I do have a few people like my Mom and Gramma and my brother but that is really about it. There have been people in the past. There have been people that have touched my life in profound ways, who have shown me God and so many times it wasn't through sermons or teachings but just by living their lives as unto the Lord and being those living epistles. There have been others who God spoke through whether in sermon or song or prayer or just sharing their hearts. I'm not saying that there isn't anyone around me who doesn't long to live for Christ and to follow after Him because I know many people who have good hearts and intentions and want to do what is right and good. I think in some ways I was spoiled growing up. I had the privilege of being in meetings where the presence of God was so strong all you could do was weep and pray and worship. I am hard pressed now to find a place where that happens. Hard pressed to find a place where the Holy Spirit is allowed to move and work and where total control is given over to God. I get frustrated at times and then keep myself in check and remind myself that what I experienced in the past is passed. But is it? Does not God remain the same day after day? Isn't it us who change over time? Is it wrong of me to long for His presence again? To see lives changed not as we are 'open' and 'tolerant' but as we refuse to give in and conform to what is expected of us? I think there is a fine line between being legalistic and walking uprightly. If you take walking uprightly too far you fall into legalism and then it all becomes rules and no love. If you try to walk uprightly you may be ridiculed for it, called legalistic even, or a party pooper or a stick in the mud or what have you.
I could go on and on about all of this. It is something that I wrestle with even as Chad and I lead the youth in our home. How my heart longs for them to know the height and depth of God's love but also to truly feel His presence, to understand what it means to be led by the Spirit, something that I have tasted but haven't fully grasped. To know that there is so much more.
I have been blessed. So very blessed. I grew up surrounded by people that, even if at times they were led astray by emotions or just being human, so longed after the heart of God that it changed my life. I long to be back there at times and yet I know that I didn't leave God there. He is here with me now. He lives in me and His Spirit cries out within me for hearts that refuse to be conformed to this world, who refuse to compromise, who long to be transformed and renewed. I feel at times like I am stifled. Like I can't be who God has called me to be. Like I can't share all that I have learned and know and had revealed. I know though that some of that stifling comes from myself. From the fear of once again being called legalistic or intolerant or self-righteous. Oh that I may have the grace to speak in love when the Spirit prompts and to leave the results in the Lord's hands.
Wow, a lot has come out of my few weeks of pondering! I have realized how far I have conformed in some ways and how much I have given up and how I am not even close to being perfect and so far from being like Jesus. I have seen how my heart truly longs for more than I am receiving and longs for it because I know there is more. I have tasted it, felt it, breathed it, been blessed with the privilege of partaking and receiving.
I long to be one of those people that when I pass away it is also said of me "She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life.".
Monday, December 19, 2011
Chuckles and Tears
I think God was chuckling at me today and most likely shaking His head a little. It was a hard day for me as once again another month has come and gone without us conceiving. I took it a little hard this time and at one point was having thoughts like "I have heard stories of people having bad days and being laid on someone's heart and then getting a visit from said someone that just brightens their day and encourages them. How come things like that never happen to me?". I think that's where the chuckling started as God basically said to me "Are you listening to what you're saying?"
You see, I am a very private person, always have been. There are few people who truly know the depths of my heart or that I am comfortable enough with to pour out my struggles and such and so often when I am going through things no one in my life knows, usually with the exception of my husband and my Mom. My husband because he sees me all the time and knows me so well. My Mom because, well, she is my Mom and even if I don't see her all the time she seems to know. I am, in some ways, a typical middle child. I am the peace keeper, I take care of others, I don't like to be a burden, etc. So I keep things to myself and I work them out with God and have a good cry and get on with my day. There are times though, like today, where I have thoughts like I did. Today was the first time though that I really listened to myself and realized how ridiculous it all was. Why you may ask? Let me explain...
Having someone turn up at my door while I am having a bad day is the worst thing that could happen! Unless it was my Mom or a few other select people I would automatically switch into the "everything is okay" mode and put my feelings and struggles on hold and listen and be there for the other person. If the phone rang I would check the caller ID and only answer if it was certain people and ignore it if it was others. I would feel imposed upon, like my personal space and time was being intruded upon. While other people need someone to turn up and offer words of encouragement I need to be alone so I can cry and pray and get back on track.
What struck me today is how well God knows me. He made me the way I am and He knows that sending someone to my door at a moment like that would make things worse. He knows I just need to cry and spend time with Him and get my thoughts back in order and my determination back where it needs to be. He knows that someone turning up or calling would stress me out more and make me feel like my privacy was being intruded upon. He knows that I will be okay. God created me this way for a reason and I am so thankful He knows how to handle me!
God also knows how much I covet all of your prayers and that to me praying is the best thing you can do. We've heard so much advice and had so much said to us and people have tried to make us feel better but when it comes right down to it the most important thing is prayer and so I want to say thank you to those of you who pray! I am more encouraged by someone lifting us before the Lord than by most words that could be said to us.
Yes, God chuckled at me today, I just know He did, as He showed me again in His own way and yet in a way that He knew would speak to me, that He does know what is best!
You see, I am a very private person, always have been. There are few people who truly know the depths of my heart or that I am comfortable enough with to pour out my struggles and such and so often when I am going through things no one in my life knows, usually with the exception of my husband and my Mom. My husband because he sees me all the time and knows me so well. My Mom because, well, she is my Mom and even if I don't see her all the time she seems to know. I am, in some ways, a typical middle child. I am the peace keeper, I take care of others, I don't like to be a burden, etc. So I keep things to myself and I work them out with God and have a good cry and get on with my day. There are times though, like today, where I have thoughts like I did. Today was the first time though that I really listened to myself and realized how ridiculous it all was. Why you may ask? Let me explain...
Having someone turn up at my door while I am having a bad day is the worst thing that could happen! Unless it was my Mom or a few other select people I would automatically switch into the "everything is okay" mode and put my feelings and struggles on hold and listen and be there for the other person. If the phone rang I would check the caller ID and only answer if it was certain people and ignore it if it was others. I would feel imposed upon, like my personal space and time was being intruded upon. While other people need someone to turn up and offer words of encouragement I need to be alone so I can cry and pray and get back on track.
What struck me today is how well God knows me. He made me the way I am and He knows that sending someone to my door at a moment like that would make things worse. He knows I just need to cry and spend time with Him and get my thoughts back in order and my determination back where it needs to be. He knows that someone turning up or calling would stress me out more and make me feel like my privacy was being intruded upon. He knows that I will be okay. God created me this way for a reason and I am so thankful He knows how to handle me!
God also knows how much I covet all of your prayers and that to me praying is the best thing you can do. We've heard so much advice and had so much said to us and people have tried to make us feel better but when it comes right down to it the most important thing is prayer and so I want to say thank you to those of you who pray! I am more encouraged by someone lifting us before the Lord than by most words that could be said to us.
Yes, God chuckled at me today, I just know He did, as He showed me again in His own way and yet in a way that He knew would speak to me, that He does know what is best!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
What? No TV?!
It's been almost 4 weeks now. Chad and I decided that we were going to stop watching tv and just see how it goes. Almost 4 weeks and only about 4 hours of watching tv. 3 of those hours being Amazing Race because I wanted to know who won and 1 hour of news. That's all. It was kind of strange at first especially for me because with being home all day I had just kind of gotten used to having it on as a source of background noise and in some respects company. We haven't missed it though and the few times we did turn it on it almost felt intrusive! The commercials were so annoying and it just seemed larger than life after not having it on for a while. We have found as well that we have more time for things. Whereas we used to say we 'just didn't have time' we now do! It is amazing when you think that you don't want watch that much tv to realize just how much you really did and how it is such a waste of time. I'm not saying we will never watch it again (we have still been recording our favourite shows in case we want to sit and watch them one day) but we have been enjoying the peace and quiet. We listen to music or just don't have anything on at all. We read or work on puzzles or just get things done that we have been putting off. I even find it more relaxing to just not have it on. I don't think I truly realized how much I missed quiet until we did this. It's been good for us! Give it a try sometime!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Adoption Update
First of all an apology to those of you have been waiting for an update! It has been a long time since I have blogged. Not for lack of things to say as I have so much on my heart and mind right now. I haven't really had the time to sit and process through all of it enough to get it down here though so for today I will just give you an update on our status with the adoption and hopefully soon I will have time to sit and write about what's been on my heart.
The last update I had was as of last Monday, the 5th. We were then #17 on the list. Our profile had been out once in Calgary and was out in Edmonton as well. So not much movement but at least we moved up instead of staying in the same spot and it's good to know our profile has been going out.
Keep us in your prayers! I will admit that we both have been feeling a little impatient. Although we know it will all happen in God's way and God's time, and we wouldn't want it any other way, it is still really hard to wait with all the longing that is in our hearts. It will be 5 years in January since we started on this journey of trying to add to our family and 2 years in March since we went on the adoption waiting list. Oh to hold our little one and to finally be able to share the love that is in our hearts to give!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Change
I didn't realize it has been more than a month since I last posted! The time has gone by so quickly! It is hard to believe that summer is over although I am not really complaining because autumn is my favourite season. I am so hoping we have a nice long one this year but have been hearing that our winter is going to be longer and colder with more snow this year. Ah well, we have a nice warm home. Hopefully winter goes as quickly as summer did!
There have been some fairly big changes in my life and routine since I last posted. I have started seeing a doctor who is going to help me feel well again as I have been having a number of health issues. She seems to think that if we can get my body healthy again I may even be able to get pregnant and carry to term! Even if that doesn't happen though it will be wonderful to have energy again and just feel alive and ready to welcome a baby into our home, however that may happen. It's going to take some self-discipline, persistence and patience but I am determined to follow through with everything and take care of myself. Which brings me to the other news which is that I gave my notice at work yesterday. I will be done there on October 7th. Not an easy decision for me to make but one that I feel needed to be made. One of the things that I need as I get better is less stress and I also need more rest. It's hard to get those when I am working and then on my days off going to see this doctor. I have not been able to handle stress lately at all and I just really feel like I need to do what needs to be done, even if it means making tough decisions. My Chad gave me his blessing and is only worried about me being bored. :) I assured him I won't be as I already have projects swirling around in my head that I am going to do this year.
We were number 20 on the waiting list last time I checked and our profile had been out 3 times. I was told that now that we have crested 20 our profile should be seeing alot more action. Still waiting for that phone to ring...
My Gramma is in the hospital right now after having broken her wrist and hip. It is pretty much touch and go as she takes one step forward and two steps back. We are concerned about pneumonia setting in as she already has emphysema and of course isn't mobile at all right now. We know she was disappointed when she woke up after surgery and was still here on earth. She is so tired and so longs to be home. It is tough because of course we want what is best for her, even though we aren't sure what that is, and know that saying goodbye will be one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. It is hard to see her suffer and not be able to do anything about it. My parents have been with her every day since she went in the hospital almost 2 weeks ago. We know that God is control and knows what He's doing but in can be tough when you so wish there was something you could do.
Youth starts up again tomorrow night. We are going to have a FULL house tomorrow! We have so many kids now that we are actually starting up a second home group which is exciting! Tomorrow night though everyone will be here for our first youth of the year. It will be different this year as new leaders are added and we try to work independently and yet still together. It will be interesting to see what God has in store.
And so another fall season begins and changes come and we wait and see what God is going to do and how He is going to use us and what will be required of us. This year is going to hold much change and I am so thankful that we serve a God who never changes but is the same yesterday and today and forever.
There have been some fairly big changes in my life and routine since I last posted. I have started seeing a doctor who is going to help me feel well again as I have been having a number of health issues. She seems to think that if we can get my body healthy again I may even be able to get pregnant and carry to term! Even if that doesn't happen though it will be wonderful to have energy again and just feel alive and ready to welcome a baby into our home, however that may happen. It's going to take some self-discipline, persistence and patience but I am determined to follow through with everything and take care of myself. Which brings me to the other news which is that I gave my notice at work yesterday. I will be done there on October 7th. Not an easy decision for me to make but one that I feel needed to be made. One of the things that I need as I get better is less stress and I also need more rest. It's hard to get those when I am working and then on my days off going to see this doctor. I have not been able to handle stress lately at all and I just really feel like I need to do what needs to be done, even if it means making tough decisions. My Chad gave me his blessing and is only worried about me being bored. :) I assured him I won't be as I already have projects swirling around in my head that I am going to do this year.
We were number 20 on the waiting list last time I checked and our profile had been out 3 times. I was told that now that we have crested 20 our profile should be seeing alot more action. Still waiting for that phone to ring...
My Gramma is in the hospital right now after having broken her wrist and hip. It is pretty much touch and go as she takes one step forward and two steps back. We are concerned about pneumonia setting in as she already has emphysema and of course isn't mobile at all right now. We know she was disappointed when she woke up after surgery and was still here on earth. She is so tired and so longs to be home. It is tough because of course we want what is best for her, even though we aren't sure what that is, and know that saying goodbye will be one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. It is hard to see her suffer and not be able to do anything about it. My parents have been with her every day since she went in the hospital almost 2 weeks ago. We know that God is control and knows what He's doing but in can be tough when you so wish there was something you could do.
Youth starts up again tomorrow night. We are going to have a FULL house tomorrow! We have so many kids now that we are actually starting up a second home group which is exciting! Tomorrow night though everyone will be here for our first youth of the year. It will be different this year as new leaders are added and we try to work independently and yet still together. It will be interesting to see what God has in store.
And so another fall season begins and changes come and we wait and see what God is going to do and how He is going to use us and what will be required of us. This year is going to hold much change and I am so thankful that we serve a God who never changes but is the same yesterday and today and forever.
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