Seasons

I love fall. I love the leaves turning color and the crisp air and sweaters and tea and just everything about it. I could never live in a country that doesn't have seasons. Yes, there are many days during the winter here in Northern Alberta where I could do without the cold and snow but I also know that I would miss it. I love anticipating the changing of the seasons and wondering what each new season will hold and seeing the birds come and go and the flowers grow and bloom only to tuck away again for the winter. I love new life in spring and lush green in summer. I love waking up to a snow covered wonderland when it is so quiet you can almost hear the snow falling. I love that in our lives there are seasons and change and that God is with us through each season and preparing us for each change.

I feel like we are entering a new season in our family. We are waiting for our next child, learning to be parents and watching in amazement as Emma grows from a baby to a toddler, knowing that in just a few years we will getting ready to start school with her (I am excited about that!) and making decisions as to which homeschool association to register with and which books to use. She and I are getting ready to settle into a routine this fall filled with music lessons and swimming lessons and hopefully some story times at the library. Not to mention just every day life stuff as she is my little shadow and helper and loves to learn what Momma is doing and why and how she can help. She is talking more with both voice and sign and I am quickly losing sight of the baby in her but loving this stage of her life.

We are also entering a new and different season as we are no longer attending the church we went to for almost 3 years. We are not currently attending anywhere and I am not sure when or where we will be, at least for a while. I find myself in a season that I haven't been in for a while. A season of being quiet and wanting it to be that way and waiting and listening. After 3 years of giving and feeding others without really being fed in return I find myself craving quiet and wanting to read more and listen to worship music. I find myself feeling better about my relatonship with God than I have for a while and feeling more at peace. It's a good place to be and yet one that I know many people would disagree with and I have already had the "forsake not the assembling of yourselves" verse quoted to me. I think sometimes people can take that verse and use it to judge others or try to guilt others or try encourage others in a direction that maybe isn't needed right now. Does that verse always mean "church" or can it mean having good fellowship with one other person and talking about God and encouraging each other? Can it be sitting as a family and reading Bible stories or having a conversation on the phone with someone you have never even met yet and discovering you have a similar desire in how you want to worship and learn about God? Anyone can go to church but does that mean they are "assembling"? I could go to church but be stagnant in my walk with God and never really give of myself and no one would never know. I crave fellowship. I crave sitting and having a good conversation about who God is and what He has done and what we have learned and are learning and challenging each other and encouraging each other. That is the assembling that I long for and am hoping to find. We will probably at some point end up back at a church but we don't want it to be because that's what everyone expects or thinks we should do and we don't want it to be because of the programs the church does or doesn't have or the social groups that the church does or doesn't have. We want it to be because we know that's where God wants us and needs us.

I have had some old songs come to mind recently. I find that the newer praise and worship songs sing so much about what God can do for us instead of what we need to do or the reverence that is due Him. I have been enjoying the songs that have been coming back into my heart and thought I would share two of them. The first one has had me in tears a little bit as I think about what it really means and how I long for what the words say...

"Awaken my heart to love and adore you Oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to bow down before you oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to know Your love and to love You in return
Freely flowing from an awakened heart."

And this one...

"Let all those that seek Thee rejoice and be glad in Thee, in Thee oh Lord
And let such as love Thy salvation say continually, continually.
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be maginified
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be magnified!"

I don't know that this next season of our life holds. All I know is that I have a feeling of anticipation for what God is going to do and I am so thankful that He is with us all the way and that as we hold fast He leads and guides and renews and brings life and sets us free. May our hearts be open for what this next season holds and may we never forget who the Creator of those seasons is.

Ready. Set. Wait!

As of today we are officially on the active waiting list! We are starting out at #69 this time but there are 9 couples on hold ahead of us as a number of them have found out they are expecting, some have been matched, etc. So in a way we are more like #63ish. Feels good to have gotten to this point and now we just have to wait. It kind of feels surreal to be starting all over again and we so hope that Emma and the new addition won't be many years apart. We know though that God's plan is best and as He has done before He will do again in blessing us with the baby He knows needs to be with us and who we need.

I started having thoughts today like how do you prepare a toddler for a new baby when you have no idea when that baby will be coming? I guess we will just do what we can and pray that God prepares Emma's heart to share her Daddy and Momma and Finlay and everything else. She is a very kind-hearted little girl who loves to share and make sure everyone is included so we will just have to hope it stays that way and extends to her new sibling when the time comes. That God would begin to fill her heart with love for this new little one.

I have such mixed feelings with going back on the list. I am excited and so ready to welcome another baby but I still struggle at times with our "unexplained infertility" as it is hard for me to understand why I would be given such a desire at such a young age to be a mommy only to have what comes so naturally to so many women taken away from me and in essence have a long-loved and anticipated dream die. There are still tears shed at times and I know that it isn't something that will ever go away. That longing to know what it's like to carry a baby and meet someone who is a result of Chad's and my love for each other. To never know what a mixture of Chad and I would look like or the personality they would have and to not be able to present my husband with his bio child breaks my heart and I have to not think about it or I just cry. I had something come to mind the other day though that helped a little and I know it was God reminding me to strengthen me. Many years ago there was a prophecy given over me that I have seen fulfilled in various ways over the years. The part of the prophecy that I remember is where it was said that the little children would be brought to me and I would have the bread to feed them. I have seen that in the work I have done with youth at camp and with youth group and especially with my girls' group in 'feeding' them the bread of Life, but I wonder how much of that was God in a way preparing me to be an adoptive mom. He is bringing these little children into my life to feed, both physically and spiritually. There is a reason why He is filling our home with little ones who need a home. It doesn't necessarily make the hurt or longing less but it does make me more eager to meet my new baby and to hear their story and to see God once again make something beautiful in His time.

Will you pray for us as we wait? Pray that God would have His will and way and that as we wait we would fall in love with our new baby. Pray that God would prepare all of us and that when the time comes our new little one would fit in as though they have always been here. Pray as God leads.
Thank you.

Actively waiting...

Almost There

Today we had our repeat/update home study with Sheila, the same social worker who facilitated Emma's adoption. It was nice to see her again and for her to be able to see Emma and see how well she is doing and get all caught up on everything. We are now one step closer to being on the active waiting list. Sheila is taking two well-deserved weeks of vacation and once she is back she will do up the paperwork and then we should be on the list. The list is longer this time than it was when we went on it to wait for Emma but as we have seen God's timing is perfect and our wait will be exactly as long as He knows is best. I know it will be easier to wait this time with Emma keeping us so busy and our lives and hours being filled up with her.

Just before Sheila got here today I was sitting on the floor playing with Emma when I took a deep breath and said "I can't believe we are doing this again". It really hit home today in a way that it hasn't yet. I have gotten emotional about it for the first time today. I am excited and anxious and curious and hopeful and just wanting to know who this next amazing little person is that God is going to bring into our family. What a day that will be! I am so looking forward to being a Momma two times over and to seeing Emma take on the role of big sister. Excited for what God has in store for our family!

Emma is doing things in leaps and bounds these days. Her sign language vocabulary is growing and she is beginning to talk as well. I love walking into her bedroom and seeing her face light up with a smile as she reaches for me and says "Up!". She gets us laughing so often and loves to give hugs and kisses. She keeps me running all day long but it is so worth it!

Just because she is pretty much the sweetest and cutest little thing ever here is a photo of the big sister to be...

Don't Blink!

One year! A whole year has gone by already and our precious little Emma is one year old today! I cannot believe how quickly it has gone by! Seems like just yesterday we were taking the first steps towards adoption and now here we are with a little girl who is very quickly going from baby to toddler.

We had a busy weekend! Family photoshoot on Saturday with Grace Atkinson and then on Sunday we had a birthday party where Emma was once again spoiled and loved. I don't have lots to say beyond just being more and more thankful every day for our little bit of sunshine and very much looking forward to what the years ahead hold. She is a joy, pure and simple.

Here are photos for those of you who aren't on Facebook. I won't post all of them because there are way too many but I wanted to share our Emma and her first birthday with you. We had fun making decorations and Chad especially did an amazing job on the sign!

Let's Start at the Very Beginning - A Very Good Place to Start

Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Hopeful. Curious. Wondering. Trusting.

Yesterday Emma and I ran a very special errand. We went to the post office and mailed in our application for adoption to ABC! What a strange feeling that was! To be holding one amazing answer to prayer and to be submitting another request at the same time. We most likely won't be on the waiting list until fall as we have to jump through all the same hoops before that can happen but at least the ball is rolling and we have taken the first step. I would think the waiting would be easier this time with Emma filling our hearts and lives but I know I will still be praying lots and wondering and hoping and trusting, always trusting. We have seen that God definitely knows what He is doing in all of this and I am excited to see and to meet the next part of His plan. Although I will admit that our little Emma is such a special little girl I wonder how our next child and adoptive situation could ever match up.

I have been thinking about adoption alot lately and have realized how much my viewpoint has changed. I always thought it would be great to adopt, have wanted to adopt since I was very young. I liked the thought of giving an 'unwanted' child a good home and giving them the love they deserved. What I never could have anticipated is what I would receive through it all. I actually find myself almost feeling sorry people who have not experienced this beautiful gift. What a wonderful feeling to realize that you have been specifically chosen to raise a child who otherwise may not have had a loved filled life. To love with a love that grows day by day until you feel like your heart could burst. To know that God created that little one just for your family and that He had to orchestrate and weave every situation just so to make sure that baby ended up in your arms and heart. I honestly tend to forget most of the time that I didn't carry Emma and didn't give birth to her. She is so much a part of me and I of her that it is as if I did carry her and knew her all those months before she came into the world. I love watching her and discovering the little person she is. There is no saying "she gets that from her daddy" or "she must take after your side" because to us she is just uniquely Emma. Yes there are similarities as there will be from being raised by us and being in this environment but I love that Emma is just Emma. A beautiful little girl filled with so much love who loves to share and giggle and get into trouble and climb and dance and make others laugh.

I am looking forward to our next unique little one. Looking forward to seeing who God is going to bless us with this time and how and when. As I sit and write this my arms ache to hold that baby and to introduce them to their amazing big sister.

Would you join with us again as we wait and pray?

Hope Springs Eternal

I am so thankful that I don't need to understand God and what He does in order to trust that He knows what He is doing. I am so thankful that in His way and in His time He makes all things beautiful. I am so thankful that He knows the journey each of us is going to take and that He has promised to be with us every step of the way. I am so thankful that even when we don't understand and when we grieve and shed tears that God is still sovereign. It doesn't mean I don't at times ask questions though. Like today...

Last night a precious little girl went home to be with Jesus after literally fighting for her life since before she was even born. Little Hope was born with half of a heart and last night, after a long battle, many surgeries and basically living in a hospital, her exhausted body went to sleep, she is now with Jesus and her heart is whole. I never had the privilege of meeting this sweet girl but followed her story through her Mom's blog. An open and honest blog of what it was like to travel this road, the good, the bad and the ugly. Hope lived until she was 13 months old and many hearts and lives were touched by this little girl and the amazing testimony and witness that her parents and extended family are. As I hold my own sweet baby close I can't help but ache and cry for Hope's parents and the loss they must be feeling. Yes, the last year has been harder than they were probably expecting but to have your precious baby taken from you must be so devastating. How thankful I am that they serve the Lord and that with His strength they will be able to deal with this next part of the journey.

This weekend we also heard that my friend Lara's husband Bruce, who was in the hospital a couple of months ago fighting for his life, this Sunday walked into church healthier than many 20 year olds! The miracles God has wrought in his physical body are absolutely stunning and the testimony has reached the world over to touch people and change lives.

This is where my questions come in...why did God choose to take Hope but heal Bruce? Why must one family grieve while the other rejoices? They both had thousands of people praying for them, interceding on their behalf.

I don't have answers, but you know what? I am okay with that. I learned a long time ago to put my trust in God. To not try and figure out what and why He does things the way He does. To not question or seek with my feeble earth-bound mind for answers that I may never understand anyways. There is a reason for all of this and we may never get to find out what that is but the truth of the matter is - God knows what He is doing. He knows the answers to all of the questions and why things have to happen the way they do. I am so thankful that I don't have to figure it out because I would exhaust myself trying to do so and I would be frustrated beyond words.

This I do know...God did heal Hope. He healed her in the way that He saw fit, the way that He knows will have more of an impact on people, the way that He knew was best for Hope and for her family. Hope has a whole heart now. A whole beautiful heart that is beating for joy to be in the presence of Jesus. She doesn't have any more tubes or wires or needles or medications. She is no longer in pain or sad or uncomfortable. She is whole, perfect, blameless, beautiful, healed.

One day I hope that Bruce and Hope are able to meet and swap stories. To share with each other all that God did through their stories, which to us seem to be so opposite but in God's eyes are exactly how He knew they would turn out.

As we rejoice with Bruce and Lara in the amazing, miraculous things that God has done and is doing through their story let us also remember to pray for Hope's parents Shawn and Amy and her big sister Sadie. They are starting out on a new journey now, with a part of them missing. May God be their strength and their comfort and may they one day be able to rejoice again and may God turn their mourning into dancing.

I am so thankful that hope springs eternal...


If any of you would like to know more of Hope's story here is the link to Amy's blog:

www.mendingheartsandbendingknees.blogspot.com

Celebration and Thanksgiving

What a busy weekend! We started it out by giving Chad his gifts for his 40th birthday and eating cinnamon buns which he very much likes. Then it was on to the big party for the day! We were having a whole bunch of people over to celebrate Emma finally being a Sakaluk. Our house was full of people who have loved and supported us and welcomed Emma with open hearts and loving arms. We had lots of food and two cakes, one for Emma and one for Chad, and presents and lots of visiting. Emma was exhausted but she handled it so well! She seems to be trying to catch up on some sleep this morning which is good! The next day we went for brunch with a few friends and our parents for Chad's birthday. Too much food again! Finally we came home and crashed for a while. It was a weekend full of celebration that also put me in a reflective mood as I thought about all I have to be thankful for. 

One of the things I find myself extremely thankful for right now is my brothers. I find myself so hoping that Emma is blessed to have a brother. Growing up I had so many people who didn't have older brothers tell me how lucky I was to have a big brother. I always just agreed with them. :) I am pretty sure I have the most amazing big brother there is! I have always felt so safe and secure and loved when he is around. Like he has my back and I could go to him for anything. I am so proud of the man that he is and all that he has accomplished in his career and with his family. What I am most proud of though is his heart. He has a heart of gold. A loving, tender heart. Strong and silent, a gentle giant. He is a man of integrity and character who loves his family fiercely and who would do anything for them. It is one thing for me to say that I could trust him with my life, quite another thing to say that I could trust him with Emma's. I could, absolutely. I am sad that Emma will never know the joy and love and security of having an amazing big brother like mine but so thankful that she gets to call my big brother Uncle and know what it is to be loved and protected by him. I love you Lindon, more than words could ever say.

I have also been blessed with a baby brother. One that I protected and took care of while we were growing up but who I now feel protected and cared for by. Another man of integrity and character who loves his family fiercely. Another man whom I would trust with Emma's life. Another brother whom I love more than words could ever say. Perhaps God will one day bless Emma with a baby brother and she will be able to experience the joy and love that exists in that relationship. That is my hope right now.  I am truly a blessed little and big sister and will always be so proud of my brothers and the men they have become. 

I think about having a boy and how incredibly blessed that little boy would be. In this day and age there are so many little boys who don't have a positive male influence in their lives at all. In our family there is no shortage of strong, positive, loving male influences and that is such a blessing! I can see the heritage and legacy of those influences in my husband and in my brothers and I pray that one day that can be carried on in our family. Of course if God decides to bless us with another little girl I absolutely won't complain and will welcome her with joy and awe. I am just kinda hoping for snakes and snails and puppy dog tails!

For those of you who weren't at the party this weekend I thought I would include something that I wrote and read on behalf of Chad and myself, as well as some photos of the day. What a wonderful day it was. A day to celebrate the two most special and amazing people in my life. A day to celebrate answers to pray and God's goodness. There was a butterfly theme for the party which had huge signifance for me and this will explain why...

"First of all we want to thank you all for coming. So many of you have walked with us on this journey, praying for us and supporting us and it means so much that you would come here today to celebrate. As we gear up to once again do what is necessary to get on the waiting list and actively wait we trust that we can count on your continued support.

You may have noticed that there is a butterfly theme going on. There is a twofold reason for that. Firstly it is such a good representation of our journey to get here today. Just as a caterpillar has to yield and wait, not knowing what the future has in store, to one day emerge as a beautiful butterfly, so we had to yield and wait and wait and wait, and cocoon ourselves within the promise of God that He would one day add to our family, not knowing that what would emerge as we yielded and waited and left it in His hands would be something and someone more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. The other reason is Emma herself. Just as a caterpillar leaves behind the old life and emerges with a new more beautiful one Emma has been blessed to be able to leave behind a future that may not have been so beautiful or free to live what we hope and pray is a life filled with abundant love, security and happiness. We know that there will be a time or times when she has questions and that the older she gets the more she will understand and the deeper the questions will be. We pray that when those times come we will have the words to say that will bring her peace and give her answers and remind her again of all that God has done and how very much she is loved not just by us but by all who know her and have welcomed her with loving hearts. Of course it goes without saying that to us Emma is the most beautiful and precious gift that ever was and we will forever be so thankful to God for all He has done. 

One of our main reasons for having this party today, besides celebrating that Emma is finally a Sakaluk, is that while some churches practice baby baptism and some churches practice child dedications we personally feel that neither is necessary and that because our situation was different and special we would do something different and special. We still want to acknowledge before our family and friends all that God has done and the precious gift that Emma is. We have asked my brother Mark if he would pray over Emma. Chad and I both have so much admiration and respect for Mark and Beth as a couple and for the way they are raising their children. They are such a true and genuine example of what it means to love and respect each other and to keep Christ as the centre of your marriage and of your family. They have walked with us on this journey from beginning to end, being there for us and crying with us and praying for us in the tough times and rejoicing with us and still praying for us in the good times. It is so important to us that Emma be prayed for by someone who doesn’t just talk the talk but who walks it out and lives it. Someone that we know is going to have an amazing and steady influence on her life. Although I know from growing up with him that Mark isn’t perfect he has proven himself time and again to be a man of God and a man of integrity. How special for Emma to have her Uncle Mark pray for her."

                                   

9 Months Already!

I thought I would do a blog all about Emma. :) Just an update on her and how she is doing and the milestones she has had and of course include some photos.
Emma turned 9 months old on the 10th of this month. I took her in to be weighed and measured and she has more than tripled her birthweight and grown almost 9 inches! She weighed 19lbs 1oz and was 27.25" tall. She is such a healthy little girl! We did have over a week where she was very sick with a flu/cold and she lost weight and had pretty much everything except a fever. It was a long week and we were worried about her but she has bounced back and gained back all her weight and then some! She has two teeth now and I think perhaps her gums are beginning to bother her again. She is now waving goodbye and learning high fives and trying to crawl. The attempts at crawling are fun to watch. She gets rather frustrated and finally gives up and rolls all over the place. Last night Chad was trying to help her practice crawling and she was getting frustrated so he stood her up and took her hands and she took off walking. Definitely prefers that mode of transportation! She doesn't have the balance yet to walk on her own or I know she would be off and running. She especially enjoys having us help her chase our dog Finlay! For now most of the time she is content to roll from place to place and play with her toys.
Emma loves books and being read to and she "reads" to herself. She loves music as well and can be in the middle of anything else when she hears music and stops what she is doing to find out where it is coming from. I have registered her in a program called Rhythm Rhyme and Storytime and am looking forward to taking her. It is a hands-on hour and a half of music, stories, dancing and crafts and the parents stay and do it all with the kids. It is for kids ages 0-5. It will be good to get her out and interacting with other little ones and good for Mommy to interact with other big ones!
Emma's hair is turning curly! It is still very dark and the longer it gets the wavier it gets. When it is wet it is all curls. Too cute! She is a good eater and we have been experimenting with lots of different foods. It seems as though she has a sweet tooth and she very much enjoys fruits and yam. I think mango is definitely a favourite of hers!
We are staying with my parents right now as renovations are taking place in our house. It has been a good time for Emma to bond with them and have some quality time. She is a little clingier right now as her world has turned upside down for a week but she is handling it quite well and is still full of smiles and sunshine. She is truly a happy little girl who makes everyone smile. So often when we are out shopping so many people (lots of grandma and grandpa types!) stop and talk to her and she just smiles and makes their day. She brings so much joy and light into every room and heart and is a blessing beyond compare.
Here are some photos of our lovely girl...

Reading and relaxing

Mmmm blueberries!

Hanging out at Gramma and Grampa's house

9 months old!

Such a big girl!

                                    

Trying to eat Finlay's dinner :)

         

Hi everyone! Look at my curly hair!

Finally!!!

I am so very excited and thankful and relieved to tell everyone that Emma is finally and officially a Sakaluk!!! We received the adoption order in the mail this past week. There is a small technicality that has to be fixed as they spelled my middle name wrong but it just means another piece of paper and that we can't apply for her birth certificate until it has been amended. Otherwise she is legally ours!

When I got into our vehicle after picking the adoption order up I sat and cried. Then I called Chad. Then I cried some more and even as I am writing this I am crying a little. It's amazing how some pieces of paper can change your world. Of course she was ours before this too but now it is done, settled, legal, no one can take her from me. How many times in the last almost nine months have I had thoughts go through my head of what my defense would be if someone tried to take her from me? What I would say in front of a judge....who has been changing her diapers, feeding her, clothing her, staying up nights with her when she couldn't breathe because she was so sick, loving her, teaching her, cuddling her, singing to her, praying over her, who has truly been her mother? What a relief to know she is truly and forever ours. Well, until some icky boy comes and sweeps her off her feet! But even then she will still be ours.

God is so good and He has blessed us so much. I think though that He can stop teaching me what it means to wait! I have waited for so many things in my life and think the lesson is well learned! Of course I know in saying that there will be more lessons. It's okay though, everything that I have waited for has turned out to be even more beautiful and amazing and perfect than I could ever imagine!

Dreams

I am a dreamer. Not the kind that daydreams all day, or the kind that has deep spiritual dreams all the time or even the kind that comes up with these crazy but wonderful ideas. I just dream. A lot. In colour and detail and sometimes it feels like I dream all night long although I am sure that isn't true. Quite often I remember my dreams and can figure out what I have been watching or reading or thinking about and see how it all comes together in a jumble in my dreams. There are times though when I have dreams that really stick with me and make me think and there have been times when I have had dreams that had huge impact and were definitely more than just dreams. It's been a while since I have had one of those. In the last few weeks though I have had two of the dreams that stuck with me and made me think and wonder where they came from and what was going in on my heart and life. It's not usually a good idea to interpret your own dreams and I don't think I have done that. I have just kind of searched my heart and now understand where they came from.

The first dream happened as many of them do...it was in the middle of a jumble of things happening and this one incident stood out and then faded again to a jumble. The part that stood out was there were a number of people sitting in a room together and we were having like a church small group. I don't know who everyone was that was there but I do know that my parents were there and maybe my younger brother and a pastor that I know. The pastor started speaking, about what I don't remember, when my parents interrupted him. They asked him why he wouldn't go any deeper. Why he would only talk about surface things and not dig deeper and challenge people. Almost as if he was scared to do so and they wanted to know why and they were frustrated at the lack of teaching. At one point my Mom basically told me that she was disappointed that this is what I was doing now for church. Ouch. I woke up later and really thought about it for a few days. It struck a chord and it took some time but I finally realized one day that it wasn't necessarily my parents that were the important part or the ones who were disappointed. It was the values and beliefs they instilled in me that were speaking and it is me who is disappointed. Sometimes it feels as though the depth and the heighth and the width of God and His love and character and mystery that I have known has become something shallow. Not that it is something shallow to me but that the place where I now fellowship and the things I hear and witness and see and have said to me lack life and depth and strength and concentrate on keeping people happy and safe and feeling like it is okay to not be okay instead of challenging them and digging deeper. That might sound like a harsh judgement and at times I wonder if it is just me and if I am just too cynical or critical and am missing out on what everyone else seems to be getting out of it. For me it comes down to this...I miss being in a place where I can actually feel God. I miss being led by the Spirit and having those around me doing the same. I get so frustrated with man being in charge. Where the praise and worship is rehearsed down to when there will be prayer and what the prayer is going to be about. When the services in churches are planned down to the minute. I get frustrated when there is just no room for God to truly move. I know that  lives are still touched and changed but I have to wonder at times how lasting it is and how true and how much is understood and if it sticks. I guess I am doing some venting here and know that at times I have to watch my attitude as I am scared to come across as being self-righteous or thinking I know it all. I certainly don't. But this one thing I do know... I have tasted and seen and experienced God in a way that I will never forget and long for more of. There is so much more to God!

My other dream actually woke me up one morning with my heart pounding. I was in a little 4 person plane. There was myself, a pilot (not sure who he was) and there was a female in the back. We were ascending and all of a sudden we were in some thick, heavy, wet clouds. I could literally feel it. Almost as if the body of the plane wasn't sealed or didn't have a roof. Just as we got into those clouds and that incredible humidity the engine of the plane spluttered and died and we began to go down. I said "Oh Jesus" and woke up. My heart was pounding and I could feel the fear and the next thing I heard was Emma talking in her crib. Now I know people might say it was just one of those dreams that you have when your body is trying to wake up and I kind of thought that too except for how I was feeling and the fact that it was Emma who woke me up. To me it was such a tangible expression of what has happened in my life in the last little while. I struggled so much with not being a Mom. Sometimes feeling so lost and and hurt and like I had a cloud hanging over me. Clouds full of tears. Then God blessed me with Emma and she woke up within me places that I had closed off. Places that were shutting down. Now I have this absolutely beautiful, sweet, precious little girl who makes me laugh and has opened my heart up to a love that I so longed to feel. She woke that up in me. God has used her to bring healing and to fill my life with so much joy. I love being a Mom. I love that God chose me for Emma. What a wonderful thing! A privilege that I don't take lightly. God used Emma to save me and I am so blown away that He chose me to teach her about Him!

I hear my little sweetpea now. Awake after her morning nap. Must go get her and give her a hug!

Meeting Again for the Very First Time

Last week Chad, Emma and I met with the birthgrandparents and birthbrothers. It was a nice little visit and good to spend a bit of time with them. It was interesting to meet the boys and see who Emma looks like and learn a little bit about them. The little two year helped me see what Emma will look like in two years. Such precious boys. Definitely a resemblance between them all.

Today though was a very special visit. Emma and I had a time set up to meet with birthmom K. I was so looking forward to it but praying lots as well and trusting that God was going with us. Even moreso though I was praying for K. I knew it would be tough for her to see Emma again and greatly respected her for wanting to see Emma again even though it may hurt her heart. It was so very good to see K.  She looks amazing! So healthy and happy and peaceful. There is life and light in her eyes. She has a plan and a goal that she is working towards. Becoming a practical nurse so she can eventually work in a detox type centre. She has worked so hard to get her life back on track and is now making wise choices and is feeling good about the plans she has. She loves where she is living and plans to stay there. It did my heart good to see her doing well and with plans that make her heart happy. I am so proud of her and the steps she has taken and the things she is working through and dealing with. I know the struggle will always potentially be there but she is determined and trying her best and I know God will continue to be her strength.

Emma did so well. She cuddled with K for a while and eventually warmed up enough to smile and talk a little and have her picture taken. I was able to ask K some questions about what her likes and interests and hobbies are so I know what Emma may want to be involved in. Emma looks like her in a way but in other ways she is very much her own little self too. I was so glad that she didn't play shy and K was able to spend some time with her.

K is my hero in many ways. I respect and admire her like I respect and admire no one else. Yes, there have been bad decisions in the past but she is working through all of that and given up so much to get on the right track. I pray that God blesses her and continues to give her the strength and determination to stay on track and live the life she has always wanted to live. May her life be full of love and hope and peace and may the healing that has begun continue.

Seeing K today, looking so much healthier and happier and even more beautiful than when we first met her, was like meeting her all over again for the very first time. A precious young woman who has blessed us with more love and joy than we could ever express.

Cakes and Creativity

This past weekend I had a moment where I was once again so thankful that I was homeschooled. My niece's bridal shower was on the weekend (when did she grow up?!) and I made a cake for the shower. I have always loved making cakes and baking and being a little creative with it. I had a discussion with a couple of the ladies there as they asked me how I made the cake and they commented on my creativity. I was actually asked if I was lefthanded and there was surprise when I said no. As if only lefthanded people can be creative. I told the ladies that I get it from my Mom. She is just creative in a different way with her amazing seamstress skills. I thought about it quite a bit after that though and really truly believe that being homeschooled is part of it as well. My Mom saw where my interests were and encouraged me in them. I became the resident cake maker for birthdays and other occassions and my family put up with my experimenting with different baking recipes. I am not sure how much I would have done had I been in a school where I was just lumped in with the other kids. These days I know schools have different things such as cooking and cosmetology and that sort of thing but way back when it wasn't so. I just felt so thankful that I had been blessed to be homeschooled where my talents and interests were encouraged and at times were actually a part of my schooling. I loved my home economics course! I so look forward to seeing what Emma's talents and interests are as she grows and develops and to encouraging them in her and including them in with her schooling.
I also saw something on the weekend that I have known for a long time but was once again confirmed. My Mom and I are so much alike! Just seeing the way we put our gifts together and the ideas that we had. It's funny because at times something will come up and I will say to Chad "I am so much like my Mom" and he will rather sarcastically say "Really? I hadn't noticed". I do have alot of my Dad in me as well and remember times growing up where they would be discussing something and not quite seeing each other's point of view and because I understood where they were both coming from I was able to kind of help things along. I am pretty proud of the fact that I am like my Mom. What better person to be like? I also find that the older I get the more I physically see myself in her. Which is fine with me because Mom is a beautiful, vibrant, healthy woman. I am definitely my Mom's daughter and I am okay with that!

Here is a photo of the cake I did on the weekend. Thanks to my Mom for encouraging my talents and interests!