A Leap of Faith

Well, okay, it was more like a tiny little baby step of faith, but I did it! I finally bought something for our baby. Up until this point I haven't really bought anything. We did buy a playard pretty much right away but it is still in a box in the garage. For some reason I have had a really hard time buying anything. I have wanted to but I would start looking and feel overwhelmed. It is such a strange feeling to be buying clothes or anything for a little person that I don't even know when they will be joining our family and of course almost everything is gender specific which doesn't help any. 


Today though I decided that I needed to buy something and so I came home with a little package of 3 body suits and a little package of 8 washcloths. No, not much, but even buying that was tough for me. I was actually teary eyed looking at everything and couldn't think too hard about why I was actually doing it. You know, think about the fact that I am actually really going to be a mommy. I think there is a part of me that is holding back because of the fear of something going wrong and us not getting a baby after all. After 3 years of being disappointed every month it's tough sometimes to not just expect the same thing. 


I think I need to give myself permission to be excited! To anticipate and hope and dream and start a little nest for the new little chickadee that will be joining our family. Today was a good start.


Auntie V, it wasn't diapers and it wasn't much, but I did it!


And they are so cute!

Adoption Update

Good news and bad news.
Bad news first...well, maybe not bad but a little disappointing. We haven't moved up on the list at all since last time I checked. We were hoping we had at least moved a few places but nothing this time.
The good news is that they are already showing our profile! There is one birthmom who is trying to make her decision right now and has our profile as well as a few other profiles that she is looking at. It was a surprise to us and the reality of it all kind of sunk in. We could literally get a call any day and all of a sudden be parents! The other reality that hit me was that the birthmom is a real person with a real decision to make, a hard, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision. I have gotten emotional about it a few times and can't think about it too much or I just cry. My heart goes out to her, whoever she is.
If you think of us, and her, please pray. We know that the chances of her choosing us are just as big as the chances of her not choosing us and I would never pray that God make her choose us. I have just been praying that she will have complete peace about whomever she chooses. That God would lead her heart to the people He has chosen to be this baby's parents. We don't want to be chosen if it isn't what God wants and we know that He has a plan for this baby and that is the most important thing. It is exciting to think we may get a call but only if it is in God's plan and timing. So we will just keep waiting and praying and believing and living and trust that if this baby is to be ours God will guide this young woman to us and if we are still to wait then He will guide her heart towards another couple.
Still, yay that they are showing our profile and yay that it really truly is going to happen one day! I can't even think about finally holding my baby without just crying and know that it will be a joyful yet heart-breaking time.
So thankful I can trust that God has it all under control.

Cast Away!

"Casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you."  1st Peter 5:7


That is the verse that came to me yesterday. There is so much going on for us right now. Still waiting for our baby, becoming involved in a church plant and knowing that there are going to be many growing pains along this new road we are on, trying to figure out what to do about my job as there are changes happening, hoping our sick little puppy is getting better and won't need further testing. 


In the last couple of days I have been feeling a little overwhelmed and just like I wish life would slow down a little bit. We have had such a busy summer which in some ways is a blessing as it makes waiting for our baby a little easier and also because we really haven't had summer weather so it's not like we had lots of our plans ruined because of that. But we are tired too. This week has been a bit slower, at least for me, which has been so very nice. The only thing is, if I am busy I don't think as much! When I start to slow down I start to think too much and to get anxious and to worry and take on more than I ever need to. So yesterday when that verse came to mind it hit a chord with me but then I forgot about it. Until this morning when I was praying about everything and it came to mind again. Like God is trying to get it through my thick head that all I need to do is cast my cares, my worries, my anxieties on Him and remember that He not only cares for me but He cares for our baby and our puppy and He cares about all the other things that are going on too and He has never left my side. If anything I have forgotten at times that He is there and that I don't need to carry everything all the time.


As a middle child I think I sometimes just too naturally take things on because I am the peacekeeper, the nurturer, the one what works behind the scenes to make sure everything runs smoothly and gets done. It's hard for me to remember sometimes that when it comes to my life God is working behind the scenes, He is wanting to nurture me and make sure everything runs smoothly. I need to cast my cares on Him and trust that He will take care of me and all the little details in my life.


So, if you are feeling a little down, stressed, worried, anxious, do as I have been trying to do today and will continue to try to do, cast all your cares on Him for He truly cares for you! He doesn't care just sometimes about some things.  He cares ALL the time about EVERY little thing and if we could just learn to cast instead of hold onto the burdens our hearts would be so much lighter and we would be so much more of a witness and source of encouragement to others.


So do it! Cast your cares! Be anxious for nothing! Remember that His yoke is easy and His burden is light! Keep in mind that His eye is even on the sparrow! And please remind me to do the same when I let myself once more get bogged down with the cares and burdens of my days.

“Thorns and Thrones” 

I’d rather gather roses without thorns, Lord,

A bright and fragrant, beautiful bouquet

To decorate my world with pretty pleasures-

The brambles and the briers, I’ll throw away.

But you say I must pluck the thorns as well, Lord,

Though they’ll pierce my heart and sting my soul;

You say that pain’s a part of peace, you tell me

That breaking is a part of being whole.

You say that if I truly want to know you,

I must count everything but Christ a loss;

You ask me to exchange my will for yours, Lord,

To trade contentment’s kingdom for a cross.

And so I come before you, weak but willing;

I seek to walk your path, and not my own;

I choose to share the crown of thorns you wore, Lord,

Until I kneel before your royal throne.

B.J. Hoff

Happy Anniversary Honey

Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary. How the time has flown by! At times it feels like we just had our most perfect day last year and at other times it feels as though we have been together forever. Of course I get all sentimental when our anniversary rolls around and once again I begin to think about how good God is and how His timing is perfect. Chad came into my life at just the right time. I wasn't expecting him, wasn't even really looking for him, was just having fun and enjoying my life at the time. But God knew that my life could be even better and that it was time to fulfill my every hope and prayer and dream and so He brought the most amazing man into my life. 


How many years did I pray? How many tears did I cry? How often did I wonder if God had forgotten all about me? How hard was it at times to keep hope alive and joy in my heart and trust that God had my life and hopes and dreams in His hand and only wanted the best for me? 


All of those tears and questions and doubts and fears? They were gone the day that I realized Chad was my forever love, my soul mate, my best friend, my hero, my solid rock and soft place to fall. I distinctly remember the day that I realized I loved him and had never felt anything like that before. There were no fireworks, no squeals of delight, no sighing, just a peace I have never felt before and a knowing. Just a knowing. Chad was right. Right for me, right with me, right to be with for the rest of my life, right to share my every hope and dream and fear with. 


Chad, you are my forever love. You are the only person in this whole world whom I feel completely comfortable with and know that no matter what you love me for who I am and even in spite of who I am at times. You encourage me to be who I am even when you know it is a struggle at times for me. You stand with me and stand up for me and take care of me. I am so incredibly proud of the man that you are. A man of integrity and character. A man with a gentle heart that loves so easily but also has discernment and can read people so well. I have learned so much from you in the time we have been together. You provide so well for our little family and work so hard and do such an amazing job of taking care of us.


I always knew that God would answer my prayers one day. What I didn't anticipate was that He would bless me with a man who exceeded my every hope and dream and expectation. I remember you asking me, before we were even dating, if I believed in soul mates and how a little while later you told me that you were hoping I was yours. How blessed we are to have been brought together by a God who wants only the best for us and who knew that we would need each other in this life. In the 4 years we have been together we have had to deal with some things most couples will never have to deal with and I want to say thank you. Thank you for never blaming me or making me feel guilty for not being able to bless you with a biological child. Thank you for having such a heart that is so willing to adopt and to love that child as our own. Thank you for letting me cry when I needed to, for putting up with the rollercoaster ride of hormones and emotions and for reminding me that everything is going to be okay, no matter what. Thank you for letting me know that even if we were never to become parents I am all you need. How my heart clings to that.


I love you, so very much, and will be eternally grateful that I waited for you, kept myself for you, prayed for you and let myself love you. If I had to wait for you all over again I would do it because God has shown me that His way truly is perfect and if we wait on Him and let Him have control He truly does make everything beautiful in His time.


I am yours always honey and am so thankful that you are mine.


Now I need to go wipe away these silly tears...

Adoption Update

I emailed the agency today for an update on our status. Penny emailed me back right away and let me know that we have moved from spot 42 to spot 38 on the list! Not a huge jump in the last couple of months but we are out of the 40s so that is encouraging! She told me that the spring has been really slow for them at the agency and they didn't even show any profiles last month. They are currently working with 4 birthmoms who are in the process of deciding whether or not adoption is the choice they will make. They will be showing those birthmoms some profiles in a month or so. 


Not lots of news but at least we are slowly but surely getting closer to expanding our family. I find myself asking people more questions now and gleaning info about diapers and baby wraps and my Auntie gave me a really cool book all about making your own baby food as well as a fuzzy baby blankie. So it is all coming together and I am more open to gathering info and necessities. I know we should start doing so soon but I have a hard time doing it thus far. Maybe it is time though, time to let hope and anticipation really start to grow and bear fruit.


I will get in touch with the agency again in September and maybe by then we will even be in the low 30s!

Happy Birthday! To Me!

I have always loved my birthday. Yes, there have been the few odd ones that I dreaded because of my circumstances or just my self-pitying attitude. For the most part though I have always looked forward to my birthday. It is a day of being spoiled (and who doesn't love that?!), a day of being reminded that I am loved and thought of and appreciated, a day when I give myself permission to not do anything! No housework, no cooking, no laundry, just having a day for myself. 


My birthday is even more special though because I share the day with my Mom! That's right, I was born on her birthday. We always have lunch together and exchange gifts and out of the many years that I have been on this earth I can only think of a few times that we haven't been able to spend our actual birthday together. We both try and make sure that we are available for this day. Mom and I have always been close and I think being born on her birthday is part of that reason. I look forward to spending many many more birthday lunches with my beautiful, loving Mom.


Instead of being down because I am on the downhill slide to 40, I am looking forward to what the future holds! So here's to my birthday! And to a year full of promise and hope!

Daddy

Just typing the title for this blog brought tears to my eyes. I am my Daddy's little girl. Not in the sense that he spoiled me rotten or gave me anything I wanted or let me get away with anything but in the sense that there is a bond between us that nothing can take away. I was having a hard time deciding what to put in this post and then yesterday all of these memories came flooding back. Memories of just how much he loves me and of how I have depended on his quiet strength and love all of my life.....


There were those times when he would chase me around the house trying to catch me so he could give me a good tickle or pull a loose tooth. There was the time when I was little and fell off my bike and he and a friend stopped right in the middle of the street and prayed for me as blood was flowing from my injuries. The time when I was an early teen and someone made a comment about my weight that really hurt and my Dad was the one who came and found me and told me that I was beautiful and to not let what someone said make me doubt that. The time, on the worst day of my life, when just hearing his voice brought more peace to my heart. The time when the most stressful part of my life and the trial was finally over and he gave me a hug that I will never forget. The time when we were roommates for 6 months in an apartment in the city and grew closer in our friendship (how I enjoyed that!). The time when he came home one night and I met him at the door with an engagement ring on my finger and once again received a hug I will never forget with a whisper in my ear of "This is a tough one" knowing it meant that he loved me so very much and was having a hard time letting go. The time when I walked around the corner in my wedding dress and he saw me in it for the first time and we both just stopped and got tears in our eyes. The time when just before we walked down the aisle he touched my hand and asked me if I was ready. The time when he prayed a blessing over Chad and me on the day we were married.


There are so many more memories but one thing I realized was that in every big moment of my life my Dad has been there. Maybe not always physically as his work took him away from home quite a bit while I was growing up, but if he couldn't be there physically I still knew that he was there for me and loved me and would take care of me and protect me to the best of his ability. Many people who meet my Dad for the first time can feel a little intimidated as he is one of those men who is the strong silent type and doesn't say alot. Those who have gotten to know him well though know that he has a tender heart, a great sense of humor, that he sees the best in everyone, that when he loves you he will stand with you and be loyal.


I have learned so much from my Dad. I have learned that when things get tough you still keep going and fight through it. I have learned what a strong work ethic truly is and how it comes into play not just in actual work but in pushing through in other areas as well and wanting to do your best. I have learned how much fun it is to go out as a family and gather firewood, or x-country ski when there is a full moon, or go snowmobiling, or just sit and watch a good movie. I have learned so much spiritually as well as he has the gift of teaching and while it has been a long time since he has had the opportunity to teach when I was growing up he taught me alot and was always there to answer questions and help me figure out the answers. I have learned alot from my Dad but there is one thing that stands out to me. I have learned what it truly means to be a Daddy's little girl and to feel safe and loved. It doesn't matter that I am married now and have my own home. I still need my Daddy. I still need those hugs and smiles and just to know that he is there with advice and ideas and a lifetime of experience to draw from.


Thank you Dad. For loving me, for taking care of me, for praying for me and with me, for hugging me, for instilling in me a sense of ownership and pride not just in the work I do but in how I live my life, for being a pillar of strength for me so many times over my life when I needed you to be. Thank you for loving me enough to let me go and become the wife that I am. Thank you for providing for me in so many ways. I so hope that one day I have a daughter so that she and Chad can share what you and I share, a blessing, not to be taken for granted. I love you so much Dad. You have a place in my heart that is more tender than others and I will always and forever be your little girl.


Happy Father's Day.

Hope

When we lived in BC we were so very blessed to live on a beautiful acreage at the foot of the mountains. On the acreage was an old homestead, and when I say old I mean old. The cabins were all falling in on themselves and we knew that the road to get to them had most likely been a wagon road at one time. In fact, we learned after we had moved to the acreage that my Grandma on my Mom's side used to go to the main house in that homestead when she was a little girl (Grandma would have been well into her 90s now) and learn how to do needlework. What a place of history and nostalgia! One spring a friend of mine was walking around the homestead and came upon some beautiful flowers. She picked them and showed me where she had found them and every spring from then until we moved I would wait and hope that the flowers would come again. We knew that the flowers were not wild BC flowers but rather would have been planted by someone else who hoped to see them every spring and here they still were, years and years after the inhabitants had left, fighting through the knee high grass and weeds to emerge every spring. We did transplant some of them at one point to Mom's garden but when we left BC we forgot to bring any with us. So last fall I went on a hunt and finally found a greenhouse in BC that sold the bulbs. They are hard to come by in Canada. They are a type of daffodil, a narcissus. Last fall I planted them and hoped and hoped and hoped that they would grow as they are by far my most favorite flower ever. As you can see in the above photo they came up! I have only had two blooms so far this year but I know that next year there will be even more! They are such a delicate, beautiful flower and they have such a beautiful fragrance, like nothing you have smelled before. To me they are a sign of hope. Through the harsh winters they are in the cold dark earth just waiting to pop their heads through the ground so that they can grow and bloom in the sun once again. Hope is such an important part of my life and I am so thankful for this reminder of persevering and the beauty that can come from waiting and biding our time so that when the time is right and the sun comes out we can bloom in beauty and grace.

HOPE

Hope means to keep living

amid desperation,

and to keep humming in darkness.

Hoping is knowing that there is love,

it is trust in tomorrow

it is falling asleep

and waking again

when the sun rises.

In the midst of a gale at sea,

it is to discover land.

In the eye of another

it is to see that he understands you.

As long as there is still hope

there will also be prayer.

And God will be holding you 

in His hands.

Henri Nouwen

Waiting List Update

Yesterday marked 2 months of being on the active waiting list with the adoption agency. I got in touch with them just to see if there has been any movement on our profile at all. One of the ladies there emailed me back and let me know that we have moved from #49 to #42. Our profile hasn't been shown at all yet and they have one birthmom right now who hasn't seen any profiles as of yet. It is encouraging that we have moved up the list, discouraging that our profile hasn't been out yet, but we know it all takes time and that God's timing is perfect in it all. I will wait another couple of months and check in with them again. 


How thankful I am that it is summer and we will be busy enjoying the beautiful weather and going to the lake and working in the yard. I think it will be a little easier to wait than it would be if we were stuck inside all winter with not much to do besides thinking of the fact that we are waiting. It is so different than waiting for your baby to come when you are pregnant because at least then you have a deadline to look towards and plan for and get excited about. With adopting there is no deadline, no idea how long the wait will be. Yes we can plan and start getting things ready but we don't want to do too much and then just have everything sitting there waiting. So we will take it a little bit at a time and hope and pray that the time goes quickly!

BRIGHTEN THE CORNER WHERE YOU ARE

We cannot all be famous
or be listed in "Who's Who",
But every person, great or small,
has important work to do.
For seldom do we realize,
the importance of small deeds.
Or to what degree of greatness,
unnoticed kindness leads.

For it's not the big celebrity
in a world of fame and praise,
But it's doing unpretentiously,
in undistinguished way.
The work that God assigned to us,
unimportant as it seems,
That makes our task outstanding,
and brings reality to dreams.

So do not sit and idly wish
for wider, new dimensions,
Where you can put in practice
your many good intentions.
But at the spot God placed you,
begin at once to do,
Little things to brighten up
the lives surrounding you.


If everybody brightened up
the spot where they're standing,
By being more considerate
and a little less demanding,
This dark old world would very soon
eclipse the evening star.
If everybody brightened up
the corner where they are!

Author: Helen Steiner Rice

For You Mom

With Mother’s Day approaching I have been thinking about my Mom and decided that I wanted to write a blog in dedication to her. I have often thought that my Mom needs to write a book, an autobiography. She has such a story to tell of the life she has lived and the experiences she has had and the lessons she has learned. Maybe she will do that one day but for right now I am going to attempt to blog a dedication of love and thankfulness for her and all of the sacrifices she has made and is making for those she loves...

Of all the memories from my childhood the one thing that stands out is being surrounded by the love of a Mom who sacrificed so much for all of us every day of her life. She sacrificed what so many girls at her age were experiencing, making plans and dreaming dreams, and she had to grow up so quickly. She was a pioneer in homeschooling and sacrificed her time and energy in keeping us at home and giving us an excellent education and teaching us so much more than just what was in the books. She also taught us how to respect others, relate with people of all ages, have a good work ethic, be self-disciplined, trust in God, be positive in stressful situations and so much more. There were struggles and tears and fights but she wanted what was best for us and so she persevered and I am sure that she learned and grew through it all as well. I know I will be eternally grateful that I was homeschooled. 

She sacrificed when we had to move from her hometown to the Elk Valley leaving her family and closest friends behind. She sacrificed when my Dad had to travel so much and be on call leaving her to raise us kids on her own much of the time. She sacrificed when she took the trip back to her hometown so very many times to take care of her mother who was slowing becoming more frail, even though there was other family there that could have been taking care of her. She sacrificed when once again she had to pick up stakes and move, this time away from her mountain haven to a bustling prairie city. She sacrifices now as she takes care of her mother-in-law who is becoming more frail and dependent every day.

I have learned so much from my Mom over the years and she is truly my greatest example of what a wife and mother should be. I know she isn’t perfect and I know that she struggles and has her faults and cries her tears and gets angry and has her doubts but that just makes her even more of an example to me because in it all she perseveres, she hopes, she trusts, she loves, she chooses life and laughter. 

She loves her family fiercely, hurts when we hurt, cries when we cry, rejoices when we rejoice, hopes when we hope. She is always there for us even when it means sacrificing yet again and maybe having to go beyond herself. She sticks by Dad through thick and thin and while I know there have been struggles there at times as well she is so devoted to him, loves him so much and is committed to loving him until death do they part.

When you look up the meaning of Mom in the dictionary all you get is “a female parent”. I think a new definition needs to be written and if I were to write it my definition for my Mom would be “gracious, self-sacrificing, loving, supportive, encouraging, strong, trustworthy, gentle, quirky, fun-loving, intelligent, example, dependable, joyful, a Godly woman of character and strength.”

You are all that and so much more to me Mom. You are an example of trusting when it’s hard to trust, loving when it’s hard to love, rejoicing when it’s hard to rejoice, hoping when it’s hard to hope, believing when it’s hard to believe, and encouraging when you are the one who needs to be encouraged. Thank you for being first and foremost my Mom and then my friend. How reassuring it is to know that as old as I get you will always be my Mommy, the one I can turn to when I have an owie. 


Thank you for being my example, for teaching me how to hope and count my blessings and trust that God has all things in control and His timing is perfect. During this period of my life when I am waiting to become a mommy myself I am so thankful to have you and can only hope to be as good a Mom as you have been and are.

On Mother’s Day and every day may you know that you are loved, you are cherished, you are needed, your sacrifices have not gone unnoticed and you have made such a difference in the lives of those who know you.

I love you Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

Love, your Jewel