Moving Up

It has been a long time since I posted! I had an update from the agency yesterday so thought I would pass the update on for those of you who may be wondering how things are going.

We are currently #51 on the list with 7 couples ahead of us on hold (either because they have been matched or because they have found out they are pregnant and are waiting to be sure the pregnancy is viable) one of which is in their 10 day waiting time. So if all of those couples come off the list we very quickly are bumped up into the 40s which would be great! It seems as though we have been moving up the list in leaps and bounds and the agency has done many adoptions this year already. That in itself is encouraging and I am choosing to dwell on that rather than the fact that we aren't even at the same spot on the list that we were at when we first went on it for Emma. God's timing is perfect!

I find myself more and more these days longing to hold my baby and at times feel a little impatient. I am so thankful for our Emma who fills my days and my heart and who is just so full of joy and so expressive and loving. She likes to pat me on the back at the most spontaneous of times like when I am standing next to the grocery cart while she is sitting in it. She will just start patting me with a smile on her face and I give her a hug and it is just the most precious little moment that we have. I have started telling her a little more often that she is adopted and how beautiful adoption is and how she is such a special gift to Mommy and Daddy and how God chose her just for us. We don't want it to be a big surprise to her one day and want it to just be a fact, a beautiful fact.

We started sign language classes a couple of weeks ago and are having fun with it! They are classes for parents who want to teach their children how to sign. We have been doing sign with Emma since she was very young and she already knows so very many signs and she picks up on them so quickly now! We just need more training ourselves so we can teach her. It will be wonderful for those times when we need to communicate across a crowded room or across a playground or just when we want to sign. I have always loved sign language and thought it was such a fascinating language. Apparently it is amazing for brain development in children as well.

I think winter might finally be over and I have to say I am so deeply thankful for that! It was a really long cold winter and we were all getting cabin fever and just needing to be outside. I am looking forward to eating meals outside on the deck and going for walks and green grass and flowers and starting a veggie garden for the first time and going to the zoo and having picnics and watching Emma discover her world even more. She stopped to watch a little bug yesterday and it is just too cute to watch her bend way over and just stand there watching and wondering. I keep reminding myself in those moments to not rush her but to just let her discover and enjoy. It's going to be a great summer!

Here are some photos of life with Emma...

Daddy and Emma have a Saturday morning tradition of oatmeal, cuddles and cartoons :)

We finally made a play area for Emma. It's not very big but has toys and crafts and books and music and she loves playing up there.

She loves to "help" me bake

So happy to be able to play outside! Yesterday I was blowing bubbles for her as she walked around with her hands out saying "catch them!". I am pretty sure the majority of our days this summer will be spent outside and I am looking forward to that!

Home Again

Our vacation has come and gone :( It was so incredibly good to get away and it was the most relaxing vacation Chad and I have ever taken. Usually when we travel we do lots of walking and hiking and sightseeing and we see lots but we are so tired. This time we did lots of nothing and it was wonderful. With Emma still needing afternoon naps we would go out in the mornings but then head back to the condo and just relax for the afternoon and there were even days that we just stayed at the condo. The weather was beautiful. There were some cloudy/rainy days but the other days were perfect temperature wise and the sun was shining. Kauai is so lush and green. It was so nice to spend time with my parents and good for Emma to have some quality time with them (need to plan something with her other grandparents now!) and she loved swimming and the ocean and birds and going for walks and seeing lots of chickens and a gecko and flying on "hairplanes" as she calls them. She did so well with her first time flying and really with the whole trip. It was so fun to show her the ocean and just to see her reactions to all of the new and different things she hasn't seen before.
We definitely are so glad that we went and it was really hard to come home. It would have been so good to stay longer! We came home at the right time though as it has finally warmed up here and is starting to feel like spring. Of course we could still get a big spring snowstorm but I think the worst of the cold is behind us and we can now look forward to spring and warmer weather!
On the adoption front - I checked in for an update before we left on our vacation and was told that we were 56th on the list with 5 couples on hold ahead of us so if they come off the list we are actually number 51. We have moved up so much since we first went on the list but we still have a long ways to go before our profile is shown more often. I have been feeling a little impatient lately, partly because I know so many people who are either expecting or who have recently added to their family, and am hoping that with the nicer weather and being busy with playing outside and just spending time with Emma that the time will go quickly.
Here are some photos from our vacation...

         

Much Needed Time Away

As I was getting ready for the day this morning I was thinking about how, even though it is only February, this year has already been so incredibly long! It seems like so much has happened and most of it hasn't been happy...

My Mom got very sick just before the new year while my parents were away on holidays and while she recovered from that she then came down with a really bad cold. For someone who rarely gets sick it was a tough stretch for her. Then we found out that Emma's birthmom had come down with a severe case of H1N1 and it affected her heart. There was some concern that she may have to have open heart surgery but they were able to treat her with IV antibiotics for many weeks and I am not even sure if she has been released yet. Shortly after hearing about her we found out that my brother and his whole family were also hit with H1N1 and while he and the kids recovered my sister-in-law (who is expecting) also had a severe case of it and they ended up moving in with her parents for many weeks because she was too sick to take care of herself let alone their 5 children. Next, Chad's Baba Sakaluk passed away. Baba had lived a good long life and in the last few years she no longer recognized family or knew who anyone was but that doesn't mean that saying goodbye was easy. It was nice to see all of the family but I think we are all looking forward to the family wedding this summer rather than being together at a funeral. Not so long after that a man that we knew through church and also as patients at his chiropractic practice passed away suddenly. He was a strong, healthy 40 year old who took care of himself and we were all in shock when we heard he'd had a massive heart attack. He left behind a young wife and 2 little ones, the youngest of which was only 1 week old when his Daddy passed away. What a heart-breaking time! While I didn't really have questions as to why God would take him at such a young age, because I know each of our days are numbered and God alone knows the number of our days, I did struggle with his family so suddenly being left without him and all that that really means. Thankfully his wife has a strong faith in the Lord and she is being carried through this by the prayers of so many people. Then in the last couple of weeks Chad's Dad got very sick and ended up in the hospital. It took the doctors quite a few days to figure out what was going on for sure but they did eventually and were able to start treatments so now he is on the road to recovery. This last week Emma has been quite sick and I have been worried about her. She has only been sick about 3 times but every time it seems to go to her chest. I am thankful that this time I was prepared with homeopathic medicine and essential oils and she is feeling so much better today.

See what I mean by it already being a long year? That's alot to happen in the last not even two months! The light at the end of the tunnel? We are going on a nice long vacation! We are leaving on Monday. Flying to Kauai! My parents are already there. We have been talking to Emma about it and how she gets to go on a plane and we are excited to show her the ocean and sand and just to be somewhere warm. Our winter has been really cold, colder than normal, too cold to spend time outside playing. It will be so very good to just walk out the door and play in grass and sand and enjoy the sun. Chad needs this trip. He has been stressed and tired and he just needs some time away. We are definitely looking forward to it!

I truly hope the rest of our year is filled with much health and happiness and good tidings!

Here is a little video for you of our Emma...

Adoption Update

I emailed the agency a couple of days ago to get an update on our status. I left it for two months this time instead of one hoping there might be more encouraging news. There was! We are now at number 60 but there are 8 couples ahead of us who are on hold so if none of them come back on the list we are really at number 52. Also, our profile went out in November! The birthmom chose another family but it was encouraging to hear that it had gone out. I will admit that my heart stopped for a split second with the reminder of how quickly things can happen and that we could get the call literally any day. Exciting and terrifying! I am so thankful that God is in charge of this and that His timing is always perfect. I so long for Emma to have a sibling and have been praying that God would prepare her heart for a little brother or sister.

In the meantime, while we wait, our days and hearts are filled with this little curly haired munchkin :)

Delight Full

I think God is pretty awesome. I love how He shows us things and reveals Himself and shows us our hearts but also how He is the one who created us and made us a certain way for a reason and how He keeps bringing us back to that if we let Him. I have been doing much soul searching and praying and reading in the last little while and, while I thought I was going to be heading in one direction with something I thought I had to deal with, God seems to be leading me in another. It is amazing to me how when you actually take the time to spend with God and have an open heart He begins to move and work and open your eyes. It makes my heart smile, even if the moving and working can at times be tough. Here is a taste of what I have been thinking about...

When I lived in BC I used to go for walks "out back" on the acreage we lived on to this beautiful mountain meadow. It would just be me and our Golden Lab and Jesus. I would pray out loud, more like talk as it always felt like Jesus was just walking by my side. Sometimes I might sing or just be silent and listen. I loved those times of solitude and it never failed that I would come back feeling refreshed and fed and watered. Then I moved to the big city. I knew that if I talked out loud to God as I walked down the streets people would think I was nuts and I certainly wasn't going to find a beautiful mountain meadow. I remember talking to my Mom about it one day and she told me to remember that the meadow isn't just a physical place, it is also inside me. That place where I meet and commune with God and where I will find peace and joy and that I can go there at any time. No, it may not be the same but God is the same. I have thought about that so many times over the years and I was thinking about it again this morning. I feel in some ways like God is bringing me back to that meadow. There is a reason why I had that physical meadow for so many years and I know it's because God knows that's what I needed. I am a person who craves solitude and who lives and performs best if I can have time to myself. Which obviously doesn't happen all that often now and so I enjoy it when and as I can. We were so involved with church and the life and schedule that went along with it the last few years that I never really had the solitude and I know it hindered me and hindered my walk. It's almost as if God is bringing me back to who He created me to be and reminding me that it's okay to need solitude, to meet with Him in the secret place, to live my life quietly and not feel like if I am not doing doing doing and super involved then I am somehow less or failing or not as much of a Christian. I am learning that the most important thing in my life right now is living by example for Emma's sake. If I am not being true to the person God created me to be how am I to teach her, instruct her, be an example to her? I want her to know God. I want her to run hard after Him and to feel free to sing and pray and dance as her heart leads her but if I am not doing the same then how will she learn? When I was little I used to lay in bed and sing and pray until my parents had to tell me to be quiet and go to sleep. I want Emma to feel free to do the same. I want God to be so real to her that He is another member of the family and not just some being that people talk about it. I love how when it's time to eat she reaches for our hands and says "pay" and how when I pray with her at night she says a resounding "aman" when I am done and how when I tell her in sign language that Jesus loves her she tries to sign "Jesus". Oh that her heart would be free to become the woman God is already calling and creating her to be. I am learning through being a Momma and I love that. I love how God creates us one way for a reason and I love being brought back to it and being reminded of it and being assured that because He created and is creating and changing it is a good thing.

There is a verse that is thrown around alot in the Christian world. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." It is so often used as a verse to claim what we want and desire. That if we just delight in God He will give us what we want. How many times when I was single did I hear and think that if I just delighted in God He would bring my husband and how many times was I disappointed? I have often taught young women that as we delight in the Lord our desires begin to line up with His will for our lives. I heard it explained so much better recently though and it has really stuck with me. To paraphrase the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give/instill/create the desires of your heart." Meaning that as we delight in Him, spend time with Him, surrender to Him, our desires don't just begin to line up with His will for our lives but our desires are actually ones that He has created and placed in our hearts, effectively becoming what He desires for us. I know many of you may have already figured that out but I think God reveals things to us as we need to know them and this was something that I needed to hear when I did and to understand to the depth that I did. It isn't just that if I delight in God He will give me what I want or that what I want lines up with His will. It's that as I delight in Him He changes my desires so that they become what He wants. He creates the desires and places them in my heart. In a way it gave me a lot of peace and helped me to kind of let go in some ways. It's nice to know that all I have to do is delight in Him, spend time with Him and He will take care of the rest, including my desires.

I am looking forward to 2014. Looking back on this last year I can't say that it was full of anything exciting or awful or that I am happy or sad to see it end. There were lots of good things, some bad things, happy, sad, exciting, routine. We enjoyed a good year with Emma and watching her grow and change and develop. We both found some answers to some health issues we are having which is always good. I guess I just feel indifferent about this past year. It was just a year. I am curious to see what 2014 has for us though. I have a quiet anticipation and excitement in my heart. I feel like God has something in store for us and be it little or be it big I don't want to miss it. I want to continue on delighting and reading and praying and living and allowing God to work and move so that as He does I can be a living witness and example, even if it's just to my little girl..

May God continue the work He has started. May I over and over again find that meadow, that place of communing with God in quiet as my heart needs.

May 2014 be delight FULL.

One and a Half!

I realized tonight that while I had posted some photos and such for Emma's 18 month birthday I forgot that some of you don't have Facebook and so wouldn't see them. Thought I would do a quick blog and include a few photos.

It is so hard to believe that Emma is 18 months old already! The time has gone by so quickly and we have been enjoying every stage. She is talking so much more now and copying us so much more (not always a good thing!) and trying to be independent but at times is scared of that independence. We are slowly introducing the potty and will be getting more serious about it after the holidays. She loves to sit on it and we must do a good "yay" and clap our hands when she is done. :) It does my heart good to see how strong and healthy she is and it encourages me to keep up with the good healthy food and to make sure she gets the naps and sleep she so needs.

I love that I can see so much of Chad and I in Emma. You know, the majority of the time I forget that she is adopted. It is like God was so in control and had everything so planned that it feels like she actually came from us. She is stubborn like we are (which makes for some good head to heads!) and she loves to help (like her two middle children parents just automatically do) and I can see her mirroring me at times (scary!) and I just see how God created her just for us. I am so blessed to know her and to watch her little personality develop and flourish and bloom. She is a very funny little girl and I love to get her laughing until she can't breathe, which is when she then says "all done"!

Here are some photos of our Emma who is much less a baby and much more a little girl every day. She is starting to love to dress up and have her hair done and wear dresses and after I get her ready for the day she loves to run out to her Dada and show him her hair and have him tell her how beautiful she is. She truly is. Inside and out and it is the inside especially that I am loving more and more. I am truly realizing every day how big a job being a Momma is as I influence and love and train up this little girl to one day be a woman of God who loves and helps and shows kindness to others.

Helping Momma with the housework. One of her favourite words is "help"!

 Helping again. This time helping make breakfast on a Sunday morning.

 Being goofy!

 Pretty in pink!

She loves to wear headbands or hats. Never used to but does now.

Her hair is getting so long!

 Hanging out with Momma in the kitchen drinking a smoothie. We do this quite often.

 Funny faces!

 Dress up time!

 Love those pigtails!

 This photo melts my heart. Emma absolutely adores her Dada. I love to hear her call him or say Dada. It almost sounds like she is British when she says it and her little voice is so cute. I love watching them together and am so thankful that she will always have a Daddy to turn to who is strong and confident and yet so gentle and loving. The boys in her future will have a lot to live up to!

What's In a Name?

I have been thinking a little bit lately about how the day we brought Emma home didn't go exactly as I had planned. Before we even knew she was going to be a girl, before we knew she was coming, right back when we decided to try starting a family I had a scenario that would play out in my mind.

I always knew that if I had a little girl her middle name would be Marlane. Partly because it is my middle name but mostly because it is the first name of the most precious woman in my life. I had a little speech all planned that I was going to make to build up to what her middle name was. What happened the day she came home? Well, my parents were waiting for us (with pizza because we hadn't really eaten all day!) and so we all came in the house and I took Emma out of her carseat and handed her to my Mom and simply said "Her name is Emma Marlane". Of course there were tears and all of that but I have regretted not being able to give my little speech. I had thought of writing it all in a nice card and sending it to my Mom but I decided this morning that I would blog about it so that everyone can know just why Emma's middle name is Marlane.

My speech would have gone something like this - "Her first name is Emma. I have always loved that name, it is my great-grandma's name and also the birthmom's middle name. For her middle name we named her after a woman of much strength, grace and beauty who loves and gives of herself willingly and selflessly and whom I am profoundly grateful to call my Mom. Marlane, a perfect middle name for a gift from God."

Since I am writing all of this though and can express myself so much more freely through the written word I want to expand on all of that and today I want to celebrate my Mom. Not for any special reason except that she is my Mom.

Many of you reading this know my Mom's story. For those of you who don't I would encourage you to sit down with her one day and over a big bowl of popcorn and a cup of chamomile tea listen to her story and to her heart. It is a story of broken lives and hearts, a story of mistakes and second chances, a story of persevering and holding fast and learning to lean on the Everlasting arms, a story of not having roots or a heritage and finally discovering all of those. My Mom is very humble and I know as she reads this she will be thinking of her faults and this and that which she doesn't like about herself and all of those things that so many of us think about ourselves because all we see is what is inside and the things that need to change and the things we don't like. I'm not going to say she is perfect because I know she isn't. However, it is knowing that and watching her rise above what life throws her way in spite of all of that and learning from her mistakes and seeing her learn and grow and change that makes me love her even more. I am so incredibly blessed to be very close to my Mom and so desire in my heart to have the same relationship with Emma. It is also my desire to see Emma be close to my Mom as I was so close to my Gramma Petty.

My Mom has endured much hurt and misunderstanding and ridicule and, though she never speaks of it, I know her heart hurts often and yet she continues on. Today I want to thank her. Thank her for teaching me what it is to love, to stand by your children and let them make mistakes and being there for them when they need you and realize they messed up. For always, always, always being there for me and understanding my heart many times before I even have to say a word. For praying for me and supporting me and putting up with me. For praying for Chad before she even knew him and now loving him as a son. For praying for Emma and loving Emma and for the fact that as Emma gets older if she has questions that I don't know how to answer about her birthmom I know she will have someone to go to who understands a little better than I do. For not being perfect and letting me see that. For homeschooling me and teaching me about Jesus. For being the best Mom I could ever need or want and for always being my friend while being my Mom first. Even at 40 years old there are still so many times when I just need my Mom. I see my Mom more and more when I look in the mirror. I have always been such a combination of my parents in both looks and personality. The older I get though the more I see my Mom and hear my Mom. I am okay with that.

And so, all of that being said, Emma Marlane is named after a woman that I cherish and am proud of and love so very much. A woman full of grace and love. A woman whom I hope Emma looks up to and learns from and is able to spend much time with. We all have a lot to learn from my Mom. There is a depth to her and her heart that few people have the privilege of seeing or haven't taken the time to learn from. I would encourage you to do both. I was once told something about myself that I think I need to pass on to my Mom.

"There is a lot of gold in there. You need to let it out."

Love you Mom. So very proud to be your daughter.

Kicking it Cold Turkey

This has been a big week in the life of a little girl! It started on Monday when I talked to her about how it was going to be her last day having a bottle and that the next day she was going to start drinking her milk out of a big girl cup. She hasn't been having lots of bottles a day but she was having them at significant times, before naps and bedtimes. It was how she would relax. I talked with her a few times on the Monday and every time she would look a little uncertain when I told her it was her last day with bottles but then she would get excited when I would tell her she would be drinking her milk out of a big girl cup.

On Tuesday we washed her bottles and then we packed them up into a plastic bag. While we were doing that I was telling her again why we were doing it but this time she shook her head "no" the whole time. It was so cute but it almost broke my heart. Her depth of understanding astounds me. Not just with this but with so much that we talk about with her. She really listens and responds and more than once she has astonished us with what she has done or how she has reacted. After we packed the bottles up we took them out to the garage and say bye-bye to them and put them in the garbage can. We have been very careful to not mention the word "bottle" around her since then.

Overall she has done amazingly well! A number of times she has gone to sleep with no fuss whatsoever. There have been a few times where there have been some tears and she has signed "milk" and asked for it. I tend to just ignore that and get her attention off of it somehow. She is still drinking milk when she gets up, although her interest in milk seems to be waning which I am totally fine with.

I am so incredibly proud of Emma! It has been a tough week with a huge change but she is still her smiling sweet self. Perhaps a little more clingy and her "lovies" (a stuffed giraffe and a stuffed elephant) have definitely become more of a take everywhere kind of thing but that is so okay. She has handled this so well and I just keep telling her how proud I am of her. The first night I talked and cuddled her through the little bit before bed and just kept telling her how much I love her and how proud I am of her and she kept giving me little hugs and kisses and at one point signed "I love you" to me. Precious moments for sure. Of course I have also been in tears as I watch her grow up much too quickly and burst with pride in the little girl that she is!

Next step, the soother. She only has it when she sleeps and I am not in a rush to get rid of it as she needs to fully get used to not having a bottle. All in good time.

Here is our precious, brave, beautiful little girl...

Giving Thanks

This past weekend was our Canadian Thanksgiving. We had lots of family time, lots of food, so many things to be thankful for. I thought I would take the time to sit and blog about a few of the things I am most thankful for.

I am thankful for my Chad. My best friend, confidante, hero, supporter. He tells me all the time that I am weird but he loves me anyways. :) He loves me for who I am and in spite of who I am. I never cease to be amazed at how God so perfectly matched us and knew just what and who we would need. How He answered my every prayer and hope and dream above and beyond what I ever could have imagined. It is so beautiful and brings such a feeling of security to know that us being together is good, a God-ordained and orchestrated thing. I love being loved by Chad and loving him in return and am so incredibly blessed because of it.

I am thankful for my Emma. She is the very tangible evidence of the reason why I had such a desire from a very young age to adopt. God was preparing my heart from the time I was a young girl to welcome and love my Emma. I am quite certain she is a gift directly from God's heart to ours.

I am thankful for my home, for having more than enough, for my Finlay, for waking up each day knowing that God is in the day and no matter what happens He is with me. I am thankful for health and for knowing that the older I am getting the healthier I am actually getting as I learn new things and find doctors who truly care and as I take care of myself. I am thankful for seasons changing and old things dying away so that new can come again. I am thankful for my in-laws and how they so willingly welcomed me into the family and how they have also welcomed Emma and how we know they are there for us whenever we need them and in whatever way they can help.

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for parents who have stuck it out even when at times I am certain one or both of them wanted to pack it in. I am thankful that they have always been there for me. I am thankful that they aren't perfect but are willing to let me see that and to help me learn from their mistakes. I am thankful for the legacy of faith and family that is being passed down from generation to generation in the families of those of us who believe and hold fast to the truth and to all God has done and all that God is. I am thankful that in this day and age of so many families being torn apart and not speaking to each other that yesterday my whole family gathered together to share a meal and laughter and love and to just enjoy being a family.

My sister-in-law said something yesterday as we were going around the table saying what we are thankful for that was one simple word but spoke volumes. She was thankful for salvation. Oh yes! Without that I know for sure we wouldn't have been gathered together yesterday. We wouldn't know the joy and love that comes from being part of a family that will stick together. More than that though we wouldn't know what it is like to walk this earth never alone. To know that no matter what our future holds we are safe in His hands. To know that when our time on earth is done we will see the Lord face to face and finally, finally be able to truly worship and adore Him in a way that our heart's don't totally understand but long for.

This Thanksgiving more than anything I am just thankful. Pure and simple. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Adoption Profile

I thought I would do something a little different this time around. I thought that I would share our adoption profile with you. When you go on the waiting list you are required to create an adoption profile or birthparent letter as it is otherwise known. It is kind of like a photo album or scrapbook for the birthmom to look at. It should have lots of photos and info about you and your family but a large part of it is a letter to the birthmom introducing yourselves and talking about your dreams for your family. It is a hard thing to do as you don't want to come across as asking her for her baby or making her feel pressured. It was tough to write as I tried putting myself in her shoes. Never could I ask someone to give me their baby and so instead I talked about how much we respected her decision to adopt and that we would be praying for her. I ended up kind of making the whole thing one long letter. I was able to use our last profile and just add in information on Emma and update some photos and do some tweaking here and there.

How this all works is the birthmom is counselled and in a way comes up with a list of what she is looking for in the family that she would like to be matched with. The agency then looks through the list of people waiting and chooses the ones that most closely match that list. They start with the top 10 then the top 20 and so on until they find 6 or so that are similar to the birthmom's list and then they give her those 6 profiles to look through and choose a family from. If none of those work they keep working their way down the list. That is why we never have any idea how long we will be waiting. 

I am attempting to upload a PDF link for you to look at as I can't seem to get it to work any other way. If this doesn't work I apologize and I will continue to try until something does! It may seem like something personal to be sharing but I wanted to share it with the couples who were our references as well as those of you who have wondered exactly how the process works. At least I'm not sharing our home study with you. THAT would be too much information!

For those of you who do want to read through the adoption profile just click on the link below. That should take you to another webpage where you can click "download" and then "download anyway". Don't worry, it's all safe! I tried it myself and it downloaded the PDF. 

Birthparent Letter

Seasons

I love fall. I love the leaves turning color and the crisp air and sweaters and tea and just everything about it. I could never live in a country that doesn't have seasons. Yes, there are many days during the winter here in Northern Alberta where I could do without the cold and snow but I also know that I would miss it. I love anticipating the changing of the seasons and wondering what each new season will hold and seeing the birds come and go and the flowers grow and bloom only to tuck away again for the winter. I love new life in spring and lush green in summer. I love waking up to a snow covered wonderland when it is so quiet you can almost hear the snow falling. I love that in our lives there are seasons and change and that God is with us through each season and preparing us for each change.

I feel like we are entering a new season in our family. We are waiting for our next child, learning to be parents and watching in amazement as Emma grows from a baby to a toddler, knowing that in just a few years we will getting ready to start school with her (I am excited about that!) and making decisions as to which homeschool association to register with and which books to use. She and I are getting ready to settle into a routine this fall filled with music lessons and swimming lessons and hopefully some story times at the library. Not to mention just every day life stuff as she is my little shadow and helper and loves to learn what Momma is doing and why and how she can help. She is talking more with both voice and sign and I am quickly losing sight of the baby in her but loving this stage of her life.

We are also entering a new and different season as we are no longer attending the church we went to for almost 3 years. We are not currently attending anywhere and I am not sure when or where we will be, at least for a while. I find myself in a season that I haven't been in for a while. A season of being quiet and wanting it to be that way and waiting and listening. After 3 years of giving and feeding others without really being fed in return I find myself craving quiet and wanting to read more and listen to worship music. I find myself feeling better about my relatonship with God than I have for a while and feeling more at peace. It's a good place to be and yet one that I know many people would disagree with and I have already had the "forsake not the assembling of yourselves" verse quoted to me. I think sometimes people can take that verse and use it to judge others or try to guilt others or try encourage others in a direction that maybe isn't needed right now. Does that verse always mean "church" or can it mean having good fellowship with one other person and talking about God and encouraging each other? Can it be sitting as a family and reading Bible stories or having a conversation on the phone with someone you have never even met yet and discovering you have a similar desire in how you want to worship and learn about God? Anyone can go to church but does that mean they are "assembling"? I could go to church but be stagnant in my walk with God and never really give of myself and no one would never know. I crave fellowship. I crave sitting and having a good conversation about who God is and what He has done and what we have learned and are learning and challenging each other and encouraging each other. That is the assembling that I long for and am hoping to find. We will probably at some point end up back at a church but we don't want it to be because that's what everyone expects or thinks we should do and we don't want it to be because of the programs the church does or doesn't have or the social groups that the church does or doesn't have. We want it to be because we know that's where God wants us and needs us.

I have had some old songs come to mind recently. I find that the newer praise and worship songs sing so much about what God can do for us instead of what we need to do or the reverence that is due Him. I have been enjoying the songs that have been coming back into my heart and thought I would share two of them. The first one has had me in tears a little bit as I think about what it really means and how I long for what the words say...

"Awaken my heart to love and adore you Oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to bow down before you oh my Lord
Awaken my heart to know Your love and to love You in return
Freely flowing from an awakened heart."

And this one...

"Let all those that seek Thee rejoice and be glad in Thee, in Thee oh Lord
And let such as love Thy salvation say continually, continually.
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be maginified
Let God be magnified, let God be magnified, let God be magnified!"

I don't know that this next season of our life holds. All I know is that I have a feeling of anticipation for what God is going to do and I am so thankful that He is with us all the way and that as we hold fast He leads and guides and renews and brings life and sets us free. May our hearts be open for what this next season holds and may we never forget who the Creator of those seasons is.

Ready. Set. Wait!

As of today we are officially on the active waiting list! We are starting out at #69 this time but there are 9 couples on hold ahead of us as a number of them have found out they are expecting, some have been matched, etc. So in a way we are more like #63ish. Feels good to have gotten to this point and now we just have to wait. It kind of feels surreal to be starting all over again and we so hope that Emma and the new addition won't be many years apart. We know though that God's plan is best and as He has done before He will do again in blessing us with the baby He knows needs to be with us and who we need.

I started having thoughts today like how do you prepare a toddler for a new baby when you have no idea when that baby will be coming? I guess we will just do what we can and pray that God prepares Emma's heart to share her Daddy and Momma and Finlay and everything else. She is a very kind-hearted little girl who loves to share and make sure everyone is included so we will just have to hope it stays that way and extends to her new sibling when the time comes. That God would begin to fill her heart with love for this new little one.

I have such mixed feelings with going back on the list. I am excited and so ready to welcome another baby but I still struggle at times with our "unexplained infertility" as it is hard for me to understand why I would be given such a desire at such a young age to be a mommy only to have what comes so naturally to so many women taken away from me and in essence have a long-loved and anticipated dream die. There are still tears shed at times and I know that it isn't something that will ever go away. That longing to know what it's like to carry a baby and meet someone who is a result of Chad's and my love for each other. To never know what a mixture of Chad and I would look like or the personality they would have and to not be able to present my husband with his bio child breaks my heart and I have to not think about it or I just cry. I had something come to mind the other day though that helped a little and I know it was God reminding me to strengthen me. Many years ago there was a prophecy given over me that I have seen fulfilled in various ways over the years. The part of the prophecy that I remember is where it was said that the little children would be brought to me and I would have the bread to feed them. I have seen that in the work I have done with youth at camp and with youth group and especially with my girls' group in 'feeding' them the bread of Life, but I wonder how much of that was God in a way preparing me to be an adoptive mom. He is bringing these little children into my life to feed, both physically and spiritually. There is a reason why He is filling our home with little ones who need a home. It doesn't necessarily make the hurt or longing less but it does make me more eager to meet my new baby and to hear their story and to see God once again make something beautiful in His time.

Will you pray for us as we wait? Pray that God would have His will and way and that as we wait we would fall in love with our new baby. Pray that God would prepare all of us and that when the time comes our new little one would fit in as though they have always been here. Pray as God leads.
Thank you.

Actively waiting...