Well, okay, it was more like a tiny little baby step of faith, but I did it! I finally bought something for our baby. Up until this point I haven't really bought anything. We did buy a playard pretty much right away but it is still in a box in the garage. For some reason I have had a really hard time buying anything. I have wanted to but I would start looking and feel overwhelmed. It is such a strange feeling to be buying clothes or anything for a little person that I don't even know when they will be joining our family and of course almost everything is gender specific which doesn't help any.
Today though I decided that I needed to buy something and so I came home with a little package of 3 body suits and a little package of 8 washcloths. No, not much, but even buying that was tough for me. I was actually teary eyed looking at everything and couldn't think too hard about why I was actually doing it. You know, think about the fact that I am actually really going to be a mommy. I think there is a part of me that is holding back because of the fear of something going wrong and us not getting a baby after all. After 3 years of being disappointed every month it's tough sometimes to not just expect the same thing.
I think I need to give myself permission to be excited! To anticipate and hope and dream and start a little nest for the new little chickadee that will be joining our family. Today was a good start.
Auntie V, it wasn't diapers and it wasn't much, but I did it!
And they are so cute!
Good news and bad news.
Bad news first...well, maybe not bad but a little disappointing. We haven't moved up on the list at all since last time I checked. We were hoping we had at least moved a few places but nothing this time.
The good news is that they are already showing our profile! There is one birthmom who is trying to make her decision right now and has our profile as well as a few other profiles that she is looking at. It was a surprise to us and the reality of it all kind of sunk in. We could literally get a call any day and all of a sudden be parents! The other reality that hit me was that the birthmom is a real person with a real decision to make, a hard, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision. I have gotten emotional about it a few times and can't think about it too much or I just cry. My heart goes out to her, whoever she is.
If you think of us, and her, please pray. We know that the chances of her choosing us are just as big as the chances of her not choosing us and I would never pray that God make her choose us. I have just been praying that she will have complete peace about whomever she chooses. That God would lead her heart to the people He has chosen to be this baby's parents. We don't want to be chosen if it isn't what God wants and we know that He has a plan for this baby and that is the most important thing. It is exciting to think we may get a call but only if it is in God's plan and timing. So we will just keep waiting and praying and believing and living and trust that if this baby is to be ours God will guide this young woman to us and if we are still to wait then He will guide her heart towards another couple.
Still, yay that they are showing our profile and yay that it really truly is going to happen one day! I can't even think about finally holding my baby without just crying and know that it will be a joyful yet heart-breaking time.
So thankful I can trust that God has it all under control.
