She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life...

The above words were taken from something that was shared by a friend of ours at his mother-in-law's funeral service. It was a service that I would have loved to have been at but I wasn't able to make it home (BC) to attend. I am very thankful for technology as I was able to watch a video of the funeral. Ruth was an amazing woman and had the ultimate gift of hospitality. Brian (her son-in-law) was talking about how it says in the Bible that we are to be living epistles and how Ruth didn't have a sermon or a teaching but she had her life. And what an epistle it was! The legacy she has left behind is incredible and she touched more lives than almost anyone else I know. Her passing put me in a reflective frame of mind for a couple of weeks, brought back so many memories and just kind of made me take a look at things in a way that I haven't for a while. What did I come up with in those times of reflection? Well, there were tears of course, thankfulness for having been one of the many hearts and lives she touched, memories of good times and bad, a feeling of gratefulness for having been raised the way I was and being allowed the privilege of knowing people like her because of that. There was also a lot of pondering and questioning. Pondering the things I learned growing up and questioning some things that my heart has been struggling with. Did I come up with answers? No, not really, but I may never have the answers, which makes following after Jesus the mysterious adventure that it is.


I am going to share some of my ponderings with you in the hopes that perhaps it will make you think as well and take a look at your life and heart and those around you. And if it doesn't that's fine too.


I have had so many verses going through my head...


Micah 6:8 - He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.


Psalm 84:11 - For the Lord God is a sun and shield, He gives grace and glory. No good thing does He withhold from them that walk uprightly.


1st Thessalonians 5:22 - But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.


1st Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals".


My questions have arisen from thinking about these verses and from different quotes that come to mind such as "Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out" and one I read recently in a book and it was along the lines of how you should surround yourself with people that you want to be like, ie: spiritual mentor type people. So all of this has raised questions for me. What does it mean to do justly and love mercy? To walk humbly and uprightly? What does it mean to be like Jesus? When I really think about it all more though the real question for me isn't 'What does it mean?' but 'What does it look like?'. What does walking in humility and uprightness look like? What does it really look like to be like Jesus? What, in this day and age we live in, is considered evil and what is good and why has it changed? What is considered bad company and why does it seem like 'good morals' are so hard to find?


Growing up we had many things said about us as a family, one of which came up over and over again. We were told we were too legalistic. Now I admit that in some ways perhaps we were and my viewpoint on some issues has changed as I have gotten older but what I am seeing more and more is that even if you just have good strong morals these days you are considered to be legalistic. We are told to be tolerant, to be open first and ask questions later, to join in and do what we need to do to make unbelievers feel comfortable. So here's another question - where do we draw the line? When does making someone feel "comfortable" become us condoning what they do? When does us being tolerant of bad morals and decisions turn into us being seen as no different than anyone else? Romans 12:2 comes to mind - "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." It makes my heart sad to see how so many of us have and are conforming and giving in a little at a time and thinking that it's okay. For me this is where the quote about surrounding yourself with people you want to be like comes in.


I have thought about that, am I surrounding myself with people that I want to be like? The answer at this point in my life, sadly, is no. I do have a few people like my Mom and Gramma and my brother but that is really about it. There have been people in the past. There have been people that have touched my life in profound ways, who have shown me God and so many times it wasn't through sermons or teachings but just by living their lives as unto the Lord and being those living epistles. There have been others who God spoke through whether in sermon or song or prayer or just sharing their hearts. I'm not saying that there isn't anyone around me who doesn't long to live for Christ and to follow after Him because I know many people who have good hearts and intentions and want to do what is right and good. I think in some ways I was spoiled growing up. I had the privilege of being in meetings where the presence of God was so strong all you could do was weep and pray and worship. I am hard pressed now to find a place where that happens. Hard pressed to find a place where the Holy Spirit is allowed to move and work and where total control is given over to God. I get frustrated at times and then keep myself in check and remind myself that what I experienced in the past is passed. But is it? Does not God remain the same day after day? Isn't it us who change over time? Is it wrong of me to long for His presence again? To see lives changed not as we are 'open' and 'tolerant' but as we refuse to give in and conform to what is expected of us? I think there is a fine line between being legalistic and walking uprightly. If you take walking uprightly too far you fall into legalism and then it all becomes rules and no love. If you try to walk uprightly you may be ridiculed for it, called legalistic even, or a party pooper or a stick in the mud or what have you. 


I could go on and on about all of this. It is something that I wrestle with even as Chad and I lead the youth in our home. How my heart longs for them to know the height and depth of God's love but also to truly feel His presence, to understand what it means to be led by the Spirit, something that I have tasted but haven't fully grasped. To know that there is so much more.


I have been blessed. So very blessed. I grew up surrounded by people that, even if at times they were led astray by emotions or just being human, so longed after the heart of God that it changed my life. I long to be back there at times and yet I know that I didn't leave God there. He is here with me now. He lives in me and His Spirit cries out within me for hearts that refuse to be conformed to this world, who refuse to compromise, who long to be transformed and renewed. I feel at times like I am stifled. Like I can't be who God has called me to be. Like I can't share all that I have learned and know and had revealed. I know though that some of that stifling comes from myself. From the fear of once again being called legalistic or intolerant or self-righteous. Oh that I may have the grace to speak in love when the Spirit prompts and to leave the results in the Lord's hands.


Wow, a lot has come out of my few weeks of pondering! I have realized how far I have conformed in some ways and how much I have given up and how I am not even close to being perfect and so far from being like Jesus. I have seen how my heart truly longs for more than I am receiving and longs for it because I know there is more. I have tasted it, felt it, breathed it, been blessed with the privilege of partaking and receiving. 


I long to be one of those people that when I pass away it is also said of me "She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life.".

Chuckles and Tears

I think God was chuckling at me today and most likely shaking His head a little. It was a hard day for me as once again another month has come and gone without us conceiving. I took it a little hard this time and at one point was having thoughts like "I have heard stories of people having bad days and being laid on someone's heart and then getting a visit from said someone that just brightens their day and encourages them. How come things like that never happen to me?". I think that's where the chuckling started as God basically said to me "Are you listening to what you're saying?"


You see, I am a very private person, always have been. There are few people who truly know the depths of my heart or that I am comfortable enough with to pour out my struggles and such and so often when I am going through things no one in my life knows, usually with the exception of my husband and my Mom. My husband because he sees me all the time and knows me so well. My Mom because, well, she is my Mom and even if I don't see her all the time she seems to know. I am, in some ways, a typical middle child. I am the peace keeper, I take care of others, I don't like to be a burden, etc. So I keep things to myself and I work them out with God and have a good cry and get on with my day. There are times though, like today, where I have thoughts like I did. Today was the first time though that I really listened to myself and realized how ridiculous it all was. Why you may ask? Let me explain...


Having someone turn up at my door while I am having a bad day is the worst thing that could happen! Unless it was my Mom or a few other select people I would automatically switch into the "everything is okay" mode and put my feelings and struggles on hold and listen and be there for the other person. If the phone rang I would check the caller ID and only answer if it was certain people and ignore it if it was others. I would feel imposed upon, like my personal space and time was being intruded upon. While other people need someone to turn up and offer words of encouragement I need to be alone so I can cry and pray and get back on track.


What struck me today is how well God knows me. He made me the way I am and He knows that sending someone to my door at a moment like that would make things worse. He knows I just need to cry and spend time with Him and get my thoughts back in order and my determination back where it needs to be. He knows that someone turning up or calling would stress me out more and make me feel like my privacy was being intruded upon. He knows that I will be okay. God created me this way for a reason and I am so thankful He knows how to handle me!


God also knows how much I covet all of your prayers and that to me praying is the best thing you can do. We've heard so much advice and had so much said to us and people have tried to make us feel better but when it comes right down to it the most important thing is prayer and so I want to say thank you to those of you who pray! I am more encouraged by someone lifting us before the Lord than by most words that could be said to us.


Yes, God chuckled at me today, I just know He did, as He showed me again in His own way and yet in a way that He knew would speak to me, that He does know what is best!

What? No TV?!

It's been almost 4 weeks now. Chad and I decided that we were going to stop watching tv and just see how it goes. Almost 4 weeks and only about 4 hours of watching tv. 3 of those hours being Amazing Race because I wanted to know who won and 1 hour of news. That's all. It was kind of strange at first especially for me because with being home all day I had just kind of gotten used to having it on as a source of background noise and in some respects company. We haven't missed it though and the few times we did turn it on it almost felt intrusive! The commercials were so annoying and it just seemed larger than life after not having it on for a while. We have found as well that we have more time for things. Whereas we used to say we 'just didn't have time' we now do! It is amazing when you think that you don't want watch that much tv to realize just how much you really did and how it is such a waste of time. I'm not saying we will never watch it again (we have still been recording our favourite shows in case we want to sit and watch them one day) but we have been enjoying the peace and quiet. We listen to music or just don't have anything on at all. We read or work on puzzles or just get things done that we have been putting off. I even find it more relaxing to just not have it on. I don't think I truly realized how much I missed quiet until we did this. It's been good for us! Give it a try sometime!

Adoption Update

First of all an apology to those of you have been waiting for an update! It has been a long time since I have blogged. Not for lack of things to say as I have so much on my heart and mind right now. I haven't really had the time to sit and process through all of it enough to get it down here though so for today I will just give you an update on our status with the adoption and hopefully soon I will have time to sit and write about what's been on my heart.


The last update I had was as of last Monday, the 5th. We were then #17 on the list. Our profile had been out once in Calgary and was out in Edmonton as well. So not much movement but at least we moved up instead of staying in the same spot and it's good to know our profile has been going out.


Keep us in your prayers! I will admit that we both have been feeling a little impatient. Although we know it will all happen in God's way and God's time, and we wouldn't want it any other way, it is still really hard to wait with all the longing that is in our hearts. It will be 5 years in January since we started on this journey of trying to add to our family and 2 years in March since we went on the adoption waiting list. Oh to hold our little one and to finally be able to share the love that is in our hearts to give!

Change

I didn't realize it has been more than a month since I last posted! The time has gone by so quickly! It is hard to believe that summer is over although I am not really complaining because autumn is my favourite season. I am so hoping we have a nice long one this year but have been hearing that our winter is going to be longer and colder with more snow this year. Ah well, we have a nice warm home. Hopefully winter goes as quickly as summer did!


There have been some fairly big changes in my life and routine since I last posted. I have started seeing a doctor who is going to help me feel well again as I have been having a number of health issues. She seems to think that if we can get my body healthy again I may even be able to get pregnant and carry to term! Even if that doesn't happen though it will be wonderful to have energy again and just feel alive and ready to welcome a baby into our home, however that may happen. It's going to take some self-discipline, persistence and patience but I am determined to follow through with everything and take care of myself. Which brings me to the other news which is that I gave my notice at work yesterday. I will be done there on October 7th. Not an easy decision for me to make but one that I feel needed to be made. One of the things that I need as I get better is less stress and I also need more rest. It's hard to get those when I am working and then on my days off going to see this doctor. I have not been able to handle stress lately at all and I just really feel like I need to do what needs to be done, even if it means making tough decisions. My Chad gave me his blessing and is only worried about me being bored. :) I assured him I won't be as I already have projects swirling around in my head that I am going to do this year.


We were number 20 on the waiting list last time I checked and our profile had been out 3 times. I was told that now that we have crested 20 our profile should be seeing alot more action. Still waiting for that phone to ring...


My Gramma is in the hospital right now after having broken her wrist and hip. It is pretty much touch and go as she takes one step forward and two steps back. We are concerned about pneumonia setting in as she already has emphysema and of course isn't mobile at all right now. We know she was disappointed when she woke up after surgery and was still here on earth. She is so tired and so longs to be home. It is tough because of course we want what is best for her, even though we aren't sure what that is, and know that saying goodbye will be one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. It is hard to see her suffer and not be able to do anything about it. My parents have been with her every day since she went in the hospital almost 2 weeks ago. We know that God is control and knows what He's doing but in can be tough when you so wish there was something you could do.


Youth starts up again tomorrow night. We are going to have a FULL house tomorrow! We have so many kids now that we are actually starting up a second home group which is exciting! Tomorrow night though everyone will be here for our first youth of the year. It will be different this year as new leaders are added and we try to work independently and yet still together. It will be interesting to see what God has in store.


And so another fall season begins and changes come and we wait and see what God is going to do and how He is going to use us and what will be required of us. This year is going to hold much change and I am so thankful that we serve a God who never changes but is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Promises

I think God is trying to drill something into my head and heart. I had a song going through my head, just a couple of lines, and it wouldn't stop and was really starting to annoy me! I finally stopped one day and thought about the lines and what was really going through my head over and over again. This was it..."God says yes to His promises, take Him at His word". Of course then I felt really silly and wondered why it took me so long to clue in! I have been struggling the last while with all of this waiting and hoping and wondering as I watch a number of friends and some family adding to their families as pregnancies are announced and babies are born. I have to not let myself dwell on it at all or I will just sit and cry and get depressed and wonder if God has forgotten about us. When I realized the words that had been going through my head over and over again I had to kind of laugh but also thank God for the reminder.
Today I went and saw my Gramma and, as I do when I go see her, I was reading her a devotonal for the day and what was it on? Yep! God's promises! One of the verses was 2nd Corinthians 1:20 - "For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes..." The devotional talked just a little bit about God keeping His promises in His good time.
I wonder if God is trying to remind me somehow that He keeps His promises?!
All of my life all I have ever wanted is to be a wife and mom. I am blessed to be the wife of an amazing man of character and strength and am so thankful that we are here for each other as we long to add to our family. Your prayers right now would be hugely appreciated as the waiting and longing and even the hurting grow stronger. We know God has a plan. It's just really tough to see other people's dreams and hopes of adding to their family come true as we enter our fifth year of waiting. Pray for me especially? Pray that I don't let myself fall into depression but live life to the fullest right now. I struggle sometimes with wondering what I am doing with my life and even in some ways feeling useless as I wait to hold our baby in my arms. I am sure God has things He wants me to do as I wait and so join me in praying as I try and find out what that is and seek His direction. Perhaps I am just to stay quiet before the Lord and wait, perhaps I should be out and about and keeping super busy with...something...I just don't know right now. Any and all prayer for both of us would be so appreciated. We can't wait to share our answers to prayer and excellent news with all of you and thank you so much for travelling through this with us.
I did get an update from the agency at the beginning of this month. We are #21 on the waiting list now. At least we are moving up! That is encouraging! Once we are in the top 20 our profile will hopefully be going out more and being considered. 
We look forward to God's promises being fulfilled in His way and in His time. 
But oh may it be soon!

Blessings upon Blessings!

"Count your blessings name them one by one..."


I did that the other day. Counted my blessings. Chad and I went on a much needed and anticipated vacation and we had blessings from beginning to end. Count with me!...


1) We were able to get the same days off work.
2) We were able to book the flights we wanted.
3) We booked Finlay at the kennel and he had wonderful care. He is a favorite there so that helps!
4) We stayed at the hotel we wanted to stay at. Originally we were only able to book a room with two queens but were put on a list for a king bed suite and ended up getting that. Just what we wanted and it had an amazing view!
5) Our flight was on time and there were no problems whatsoever.
6) We rented a car through Budget and got an almost brand new car that was loaded with leather, air, back up camera, sunroof, you name it and it pretty much had it.
7) We got to our room that first day and there was a beautiful flower arrangement waiting for us that one of our youth families had sent up.
8) The weather was amazing! It was the nicest weather they'd had this summer so far. It didn't rain at all and we only had to wear our jackets once.
9) We celebrated our 5th anniversary by having a wonderful dinner out only to return to our hotel room to find a rose petal turndown with the robes on the bed, rose petals leading to the bed, wonderful herbal tea and the lights turned down.....
10) The next night there were chocolate covered strawberries...
11) The next night there was raspberry sorbet (wow was it good!)...
12) The next night it was another rose petal turndown. All arranged by the same family who sent us the flowers! We were so overwhelmed by it all! I cried of course. Felt so humbled and so incredibly blessed that they would do something like that for us.
13) We saw beautiful sights.
14) We spent some time in the forest and by water and scrambling on rocks and it did this BC girl's heart good! I felt so much more me than I have for a long time.
15) We just had such a good time together. It was wonderful to be together with no outside stresses and just concentrate on each other.
16) I had been squirreling away cash with almost every paycheque and we were able to pay for almost every meal, some entertainment, Finlay's kenneling and groceries when we got back with that cash. Felt so good to not put it all on a credit card!
17) The kennel where Finlay stayed made a mistake when they charged us and didn't charge us enough. I went in the next day to pay the rest and the owner was so surprised that I did that. She said no one ever tells her when she doesn't charge enough and she wouldn't let me pay the rest! I guess honesty pays off. :)


I am sure there are many more blessings that I missed but those are definitely the ones that stand out. We wish we could have stayed longer and it was tough to come back and get right back into the same old routine and not see each other all the time but it's our life and we are thankful for it. 


It was a vacation that touched my heart in many ways and one I won't forget. In our hearts we are so hoping and even anticipating that it will be our last big vacation as just the two of us. We are hopeful that the next time we will have a baby with us. Scary to put ourselves out there and hope that much but oh we are hoping!


Here are a few pictures from our vacation...


The view from our room. We were able to watch the sunset from there!

Us :) I think this was my favorite day of the whole trip. 

Sitting on some rocks by a little waterfall. It felt so good!

This n' That

It has been a long time since I wrote something on here! Life has been so busy that there hasn't been time to just slow down, take a deep breath and think and enjoy life. Our busyness seems to be over for a little while now and we are ready to enjoy our summer and hopefully not let it slip by without us noticing.
We had a youth campover in our backyard to end the youth group season. About half of the kids came, we had a lot of fun and they behaved themselves! I was sad to see the season end and yet we all need a break from each other and I know Chad and I need some time together to regroup and refresh before we start up again in the fall. We are already planning curriculum and such for the fall and looking forward to what God has in store.
An update on the adoption...we are now at #25 on the waiting list. We are slowly but surely moving up. How we hope something happens this fall! I will admit that some days the waiting is incredibly hard and it is easy to get down about it all and wonder if it will ever happen but for the most part time has been flying by and we are still hoping. Although I did tell Chad yesterday that if nothing has happened by next spring we will just have to steal a baby! Not seriously of course but still...
Today my Mom and I went out for our annual birthday lunch. For those of you who don't know I was born on my Mom's birthday. We try and go for lunch every year and go shopping or something. Today it was pedicures and lunch. I love my Mom. I love that we share this special day and that she made a point starting at a young age for me to make it even more special because we share it. I have never really dreaded any of my birthdays and I think it's because I always have the special time with her to look forward to. There is a part of me that is having a hard time with this birthday just because I am that much closer to the next decade and because we are on a waiting list but I am choosing not to dwell on that side of it. It is good to be alive and to be loved!
We are going away in a couple of weeks and oh how we are looking forward to it! We are going to Victoria for our 5th anniversary. Yes, it has been 5 years already! We will be staying at the same hotel and we have lots of nothing planned! We are going to relax and reconnect and just enjoy being together and away from the stress and busyness of life here. It is so needed and we are so blessed to be able to go. It means leaving Finlay in a kennel but I keep telling myself that he will be okay.
For those of you haven't heard I am going to be an auntie again! Mark and Beth are expecting their 5th! I am excited to meet this new little Petty. Their kids are all so diverse in personality and I can't wait to see how and where this new little one is going to fit in. They are amazing parents and their kids are all such blessings.
My neice Kayla graduated this year. How is that for making a person feel old?! I so clearly remember the day she was born and all the time she spent at our house and all of the special times we had together. She has grown into a beautiful young woman and I pray that the Lord leads her and guides her and that she grows closer to Him every day with an awareness that He needs to be her all.
I think that's it for now. A rather scattered blog but there is so much to say when nothing has been said for so long. I am sure I could just keep chatting but will stop here for now. I will try and be better about keeping everyone updated this summer. With us being at #25 on the waiting list there will hopefully be more encouraging updates every month.

My Story

Last night I shared the story of my life with our youth group. Okay, not absolutely everything in my life cause that would have taken way too long, but I did hit the most important parts, some of which are not easy to talk about, but it was something I knew I needed to do and something that I felt honored to do. My prayer leading up to last night was that the kids who needed to hear my story would be here. Some of our weeks are really hit and miss as far as who is here but last night everyone was here. Trust God to have a sense of humor! Speaking in front of a group is not something I am really comfortable with but these are 'my kids' which made it easier. It was a good night. There were many tears shed, most of which were mine but there were others as well and I saw God answering another prayer in that I wanted to bring Him glory and help the kids understand that God never promised us we wouldn't go through tough things but He did promise us that when we go through tough times He will walk through them with us. I have most definitely learned that and I am so thankful for it!


It was a good experience for me but I will admit that I am glad it's over! I could sense though that as I spoke it broke some walls that may have been there between the kids and I as they realized that I have been through hurts and trials and so I do understand where some of them are coming from. Being so raw and real in front of them was something that I think needed to happen. I have the feeling though that now that I have shared it with them I may be called upon in other circumstances to tell it again. I am okay with that. It is a story of trauma and hurt but more than that it is a story of God's amazing faithfulness and love and healing. I serve an amazing God and know I couldn't do live without Him!


Here is a song I shared with the kids at the end of it all that kind of sums everything up perfectly.

Update and Stuff

The day that I tend to dread is almost over. I love acknowledging my Mom and the amazing woman and mother that she is but this day is an in the face reminder every year that our family hasn't grown yet. I had a cry and talk with God last night while I was in the bathtub. Seems like my washroom is most definitely my prayer closet! I complained some and just asked Him to help me be strong and to trust and have hope and all of that. As I was finishing praying I had some verses come to mind.....


"You will keep him in perfect PEACE whose mind is stayed on You."


"For the Lord God is a sun and shield, He gives grace and glory, no GOOD THING will He withhold from them that walk uprightly."


"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future."


The things I was praying for and asking Him about He reminded me through scripture are mine and they are what He wants for me too. Of course I have to do my part and trust and walk uprightly and keep my heart and mind stayed on the Lord and being true to Him. I am certainly learning alot through all of this! 


Chad knew today was going to be hard for me and he did the best thing he could have done this morning, asked me how I was and then hugged me as I cried a few tears. I am so incredibly blessed by that man!


I do have an update! I heard from the agency last week and we are now at #27 with 3 birthmoms who hadn't yet seen profiles. Encouraging! We moved up 3 spots in a month and should move up again right away.


Maybe next year I will be excited for this day...

Learning

Today is a cold snowy wintry day! Yes, it the 14th of April and we are having a snowstorm that is leaving quite a bit of snow in it's wake, on top of the snow that still hasn't disappeared. A good day to stay inside, do some laundry, do some housework and finally blog!


A couple of weeks ago we went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. It was so very good! I loved it! He is amazing live and I felt like I was living my late teens-early twenties all over again. As great as it was to hear all my favorite SCC songs and to join in and to be led in worship by him there were a couple of things that stood out to me that didn't have anything to do with music. Their family has been through alot with the accidental death of their daughter a few years ago and I was so touched by what God has done and is doing through them and in them as a result. His sons were there and they have a band of their own which opened up for Steven plus they were his band for his concert. I will post a video at the end of this of one of his new songs which they performed. It felt like an anthem, like a declaration that he and his family were making. Very powerful.


Steven told a story that struck a cord in me and it was exactly what God knew I needed to hear and I wanted to share it as I am sure it will resonate with many people and perhaps help someone else who needs to hear it...


One of Steven's little girls needed to take some medication in pill form. She had a very hard time swallowing pills and she struggled and choked and coughed and cried and tried and tried and tried. At one point she looked at him and said "Do you love me Daddy?". He said that in that instant he saw himself reflected in her eyes and in her question. How often, when we are in the depths of despair or hurting or struggling do we ask that question ourselves. "Do you love my Daddy? Do you love me God? If You do than why are You making me go through this?". He said that this time he also saw it from a different point of view....the father's. As his little girl's daddy he saw and understood how God must feel when we are in those times of struggle and we wonder if He has forgotten. Steven wanted to help his daughter, to take the hurt away, to take away the struggle and the pain and the confusion but he knew that she needed to persevere, that she needed to overcome, that she needed to go through it so she would be stronger in the end. It broke his heart to watch her but he knew that if he just made it all better she would never learn, never grow, never be stronger. 


That story hit me right where God knew it would. How often in the last few years, and especially the last few months, have I felt the same way and essentially asked the same question as Steven's little girl? I never considered it from God's point of view though. It was just feeling like it was something I had to go through just because. Never once did it dawn on me that it hurts God to see me hurting like this and that maybe He wants to make it all better but He knows that infertility/pregnancy/miscarriage is something I need to go through to make me stronger, to make me grow, to stretch me and create in me the character that needs to be there. It was actually a freeing moment for me. Of course I cried! But it felt like I finally understood something I hadn't totally understood before and it actually hurt me to think of God hurting for me. To think that He loves me so much that He just wants to take away the hurt and frustration but His love is even stronger yet and He knows I need to go through it. It makes it easier in a way. I almost feel like I can call upon Him in a different way than before just knowing that He hasn't forgotten and that He wants to see me through this and wants me to get to the other side.


Geoff Moore was also there. He and Steven have been the best of friends for over 25 years and so of course he went through their whole tragedy with them and talked about how much he has learned from just watching them and standing with them. He had a description for what they went through that has stuck with  me and changed my thinking a little. He described it as a "hard blessing". Wow. To be able to look back and call something as devastating as losing a child a hard blessing to me speaks so loudly of God's mercy and grace and goodness and love. Such a loaded phrase. Instead of calling it a tragedy or trauma or devastation and calling it a hard blessing, makes you look at things a little differently and really see how God works and moves and how we can't make it without Him. So instead of complaining and bemoaning my situation may I see it as a hard blessing. So very hard to go through but with abundant blessings in the midst of it as I lean on the Lord and experience His amazing love and faithfulness.


I learned more in that 3 hours than I have for a while and I am so thankful that we went to that concert. 


So when you are feeling as if God has forgotten and wondering if your heavenly father loves you, please remember that it hurts Him so much to see you hurting but He knows it is in your best interest to persevere. Hold to His unchanging hand and rejoice that you don't have to go through life alone. His hard blessings can change your life and create in you character that is more and more like Jesus.

Update

I have quite a bit that I want to blog about, thoughts flying around in my mind that I want to get down, but for now I am going to settle with just giving you all an update on our adoption status. Hopefully soon I will have the time to actually sit and blog!


I emailed the agency this week and found out that we are now #30 on the list! Almost out of the 30s! There are 3 couples ahead of us who have been matched with birthmoms so we should be moving up a few more spots soon. There are also a couple of birthmoms who haven't seen any profiles yet. Our profile did go out once in March which is encouraging because it should start going out more and more now.


Perhaps we will have good news this year!

Piano Therapy

I played the piano this afternoon for the first time in quite a while. I love playing my piano (even though it badly needs to be tuned!) but there are times when it is much harder for me than others. My Mom knows better than anyone that playing my piano is like a kind of therapy for me. When I am going through a tough time it helps to get lost in playing praise and worship songs. There are times though when what I am going through makes it much too hard for me play because the hurt is just too deep or the tears are too near the surface. Today I just had the sudden urge to play and so I did and I so enjoyed it.


I am not the kind of player who can play in front of others and definitely not in church. I think at times that the gift I have of being able to play was given to me as a blessing for my Mom. She used to go lay down in her bedroom and I would play for an hour or so while she rested. It took me a while to realize that's what she did but once I did it made me feel good to play for her. I think of her every time I play and I miss playing for her. Chad hasn't heard me play many times but the last time he did he and Finlay just sat on the loveseat and let the music relax them. So I guess my gift can be used to bless him too.


I used to sit, when no one was home, and just play whatever my fingers felt like playing. There was nothing quite like sitting at the piano in the living room in our house in the country, with sun streaming in the windows and the birds singing outside, and knowing that the only One hearing me was God and it was at times like that when everything that was in my heart came out through my fingers. It wasn't something I could write down and it never sounded the same but it was like a way of praising God that just flowed from my heart. As I said, a type of therapy for me.


Today I played from some of my old songbooks. The ones with the good old praise and worship songs. You know, I really do like so many of the new songs that have come out and there are some writers who are so anointed, but there is just something about those old songs. Part of it is memories and sentiments but so much of it is their simplicity and yet their depth of feeling and meaning. I wish at times that we would sing some of the old songs. Here are a couple that touched me today...


I just want to praise You
Lift my hands and say "I love You"
You are everything to me
And I exalt Your holy name
I exalt Your holy name
I exalt Your holy name on high.


And....


One thing is needful, oh my Father
One thing is needful, oh my Lord
That I sit at Your feet and pour out my love
This thing is needful, oh my Lord.


There are so many more, so many that say it so simply and yet are so true. 


I am thankful for my piano, thankful for the lessons my parents let me take, thankful that it is a gift I can use to bless the people I love and so thankful that God speaks to me and brings healing and life and joy when I sit and play and listen.

Update

Just a quick little update to let you all know that in the last month we have moved up two spots on the waiting list! Slow but sure. So we are now at #32. Of course we could still get a call at any time but it is still encouraging to know that we have moved even a little bit.

Faithful

I have never tried posting a song before and so I hope this works! I bought a Steven Curtis Chapman CD today and heard this song for the first time. I cried all the way through it but at the same time felt like I wanted to be back in my meadow in BC spinning in a circle with my arms open wide singing this song. Yeah, it gave me that feeling, with tears streaming down my face. It speaks my heart and knowing that it comes from the heart of a man who lost a daugher in a tragic accident makes it even more meaningful.

Turn your volume up and feel the power and the assurance in knowing that no matter what God is faithful and that is an anthem that needs to be sung again and again!

Fill Me With Hope

I don't think is a coincidence that I decided to start out this year reading through a devotional titled "Fill Me With Hope". God knew I was going to need it to start the year with.


It has been a rollercoaster ride around here for the last couple of weeks. Chad and I had some wonderful news that we were just starting to share with everyone. We told our immediate families and were planning on letting everyone else know this week. We were pregnant! Finally! After 4 years of hoping and praying and trying we were going to have a baby! Then on Saturday I started cramping and bleeding and by Monday morning knew that I had miscarried. I was not quite 6 weeks along. Oh the emotions! The ups and downs in 2 weeks that we have experienced. It is an understatement to say that it hasn't been easy and would be a lie if I said that I am okay. For the most part I am. There are many things to be thankful for in all of this. I realize though that it's okay to let myself cry and grieve and miss my baby and acknowledge that there is a part of me that feels empty. Chad has also been struggling and we had a good talk the other night and agreed that we need to take the time to grieve but then we need to have hope again. We don't want to dwell on the sadness and disappointment of it all. This is what we want to concentrate on instead.....


We got pregnant! After so long and really feeling like maybe it couldn't happen and never would, it did! We will absolutely try again. Part of me is scared to try I will admit. I don't want to go through this again. I also realize though that I am not God and so I am not in control of what happens. It is my job to keep myself healthy and strong and to trust and have hope! 


All through this trial and sorrow there have been things to be thankful for: thankful that I wasn't farther along when it happened, thankful that my parents haven't left for vacation yet and that Chad wasn't away on a business trip, thankful that my place of employment is willing to let me work from home this week, thankful for my sis-in-law who has offered words of advice and encouragement, thankful for friends and family who are praying for us and supporting us, thankful for the way Chad and I have grown even closer together, thankful for a husband who knows to just let me cry and who hugs me and just wants to be with me, thankful for a puppy who keeps me company and is ultra sensitive to my moods and emotions, thankful for the sun that was finally shining yesterday.


I can tend to let depression get hold of me at times. It is something that I have never fully given into but that I know I struggle with and I have made a determination in my heart to not let that happen. My God is too big and too strong and too mighty to do that. No, I don't understand why it had to happen and yes, it hurts alot, but God has a plan and to that I hold and trust and have to believe. And so I think upon those things that are good and pure and true and lovely and full of hope. 


I would ask for your prayers as tomorrow we go for an ultrasound to confirm everything and to make sure that my body is cleansing itself. Pray for us as we pick up the pieces and carry on with life having loved and lost but being so thankful for the time we did have. It was a great two weeks and we are holding to the hope that God will allow it to happen again and will see it through to the end.


My prayer continually right now is that God will Fill Me With Hope.

And so another year begins.....

I made a determination in my heart last night. We were on our way home after spending a fun evening at my parents' place with my whole family and I had a little time to think on the 30 minute drive home. I started thinking about this past year and then about the year to come. I thought about how, if I let myself, I could be pretty depressed about this past year and the fact that I am still not a mom. The one thing that I so badly hoped would happen in 2010 didn't come to pass. But then I thought, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to focus on the negative. So I made a determination in my heart to think of all the blessings that happened in this last year.....


-A new member of the family was born, wonderful little Rhyan. So hard to believe she is almost a year old already! With Rhyan's birth the count in nieces and nephews is up to 14!
-Becoming involved with an exciting new church plant. Finding a church family where we don't just feel like we belong but where we are needed and encouraged to use the gifts God has given us and in that being challenged and growing and just wanting to learn more,.
-Time out at the lake with family, even though almost every time we went to the lake there ended up being a storm! My parents may want to rethink their invitation to go out whenever we want!
-A good friend, who is beautiful and inspiring, finally finding the love of her life after waiting for much longer than I had to. What a delight to see the joy, love and peace in her countenance, as well as the rock on her finger!
-Seeing 2 nieces and 1 nephew hit 'double digit' birthdays this year and one niece enter the teen years. What a blessing to have another year with all of them!
-God providing a new job for me that pays better, has great hours and consists of the kind of work I enjoy doing. And of course He provided it just when I needed it!
-Chad getting a well deserved raise!
-My Gramma finally having cataract surgery and, while she still can't read, her eyesight has improved. She is going to be 91 in 9 days!
-My parents moving into a new place that suits them and that I realized in a strange way feels like home. I know it is because they are there and they are the heart of their home but it's still strange to have a brand new place that I have never lived in feel in a way like home. So happy for them!


I am sure there is so much more that I am not thinking of right now. So many things to be thankful for and so many blessings to be counted. Of course I am beyond thankful for my own little family. For our puppy who some moments causes me great frustration but the majority of the time just fills our home with life and laughter and brings the stress down in our lives. For my amazing husband.....I was thinking this morning what a remarkable thing it is to have such security and confidence in knowing he loves me, he likes me, he wants to be with me, and he will care for me always. He is without a doubt one of the most amazing blessings in my life.


The most humbling, encouraging and joyous blessing in my life though? Knowing and being known by a God who sent His only Son to die for me. Knowing that His grace is sufficient. Knowing that even though I may ask the 'how' and 'why' of things it really doesn't matter because He has the answers and in that I can (should) trust. Knowing that He knows the deepest parts of my heart and loves me still and that because of that love He doesn't let me stay depressed or sad but at the most out of the blue moments He sends something or someone into my path to remind me again that He loves me, He understands, and He hasn't forgotten.


2010 was a good year all in all. There were tears and laughter, joys and sorrows, frustrations and victories. I am expecting the same of 2011. Perhaps there will be joyous news, perhaps there will just be more waiting. But one thing I know, no matter the year, the month or the day, my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is ever faithful and true. And so I look forward to this next year, to growing and being challenged and seeing God in the joys as well as the sorrows. I look forward to more time with family and friends, to seeing others start out on their own new journeys, like my beautiful niece Kayla who is graduating this year! I look forward to living in the promises of God that He will never leave me or forsake me. I look forward to the laughter as well as the tears because I realize what a huge blessing it is just to BE. To be living this life God has blessed me with, to be who He has and is making me to be, to be loved and to love in return.


Happy New Year to all of you! May the next year be filled with growth, with a new awareness of your many blessings and perhaps even an awareness of the many different ways you can be a blessing to others. 


God bless you in 2011!