I am a dreamer. Not the kind that daydreams all day, or the kind that has deep spiritual dreams all the time or even the kind that comes up with these crazy but wonderful ideas. I just dream. A lot. In colour and detail and sometimes it feels like I dream all night long although I am sure that isn't true. Quite often I remember my dreams and can figure out what I have been watching or reading or thinking about and see how it all comes together in a jumble in my dreams. There are times though when I have dreams that really stick with me and make me think and there have been times when I have had dreams that had huge impact and were definitely more than just dreams. It's been a while since I have had one of those. In the last few weeks though I have had two of the dreams that stuck with me and made me think and wonder where they came from and what was going in on my heart and life. It's not usually a good idea to interpret your own dreams and I don't think I have done that. I have just kind of searched my heart and now understand where they came from.
The first dream happened as many of them do...it was in the middle of a jumble of things happening and this one incident stood out and then faded again to a jumble. The part that stood out was there were a number of people sitting in a room together and we were having like a church small group. I don't know who everyone was that was there but I do know that my parents were there and maybe my younger brother and a pastor that I know. The pastor started speaking, about what I don't remember, when my parents interrupted him. They asked him why he wouldn't go any deeper. Why he would only talk about surface things and not dig deeper and challenge people. Almost as if he was scared to do so and they wanted to know why and they were frustrated at the lack of teaching. At one point my Mom basically told me that she was disappointed that this is what I was doing now for church. Ouch. I woke up later and really thought about it for a few days. It struck a chord and it took some time but I finally realized one day that it wasn't necessarily my parents that were the important part or the ones who were disappointed. It was the values and beliefs they instilled in me that were speaking and it is me who is disappointed. Sometimes it feels as though the depth and the heighth and the width of God and His love and character and mystery that I have known has become something shallow. Not that it is something shallow to me but that the place where I now fellowship and the things I hear and witness and see and have said to me lack life and depth and strength and concentrate on keeping people happy and safe and feeling like it is okay to not be okay instead of challenging them and digging deeper. That might sound like a harsh judgement and at times I wonder if it is just me and if I am just too cynical or critical and am missing out on what everyone else seems to be getting out of it. For me it comes down to this...I miss being in a place where I can actually feel God. I miss being led by the Spirit and having those around me doing the same. I get so frustrated with man being in charge. Where the praise and worship is rehearsed down to when there will be prayer and what the prayer is going to be about. When the services in churches are planned down to the minute. I get frustrated when there is just no room for God to truly move. I know that lives are still touched and changed but I have to wonder at times how lasting it is and how true and how much is understood and if it sticks. I guess I am doing some venting here and know that at times I have to watch my attitude as I am scared to come across as being self-righteous or thinking I know it all. I certainly don't. But this one thing I do know... I have tasted and seen and experienced God in a way that I will never forget and long for more of. There is so much more to God!
My other dream actually woke me up one morning with my heart pounding. I was in a little 4 person plane. There was myself, a pilot (not sure who he was) and there was a female in the back. We were ascending and all of a sudden we were in some thick, heavy, wet clouds. I could literally feel it. Almost as if the body of the plane wasn't sealed or didn't have a roof. Just as we got into those clouds and that incredible humidity the engine of the plane spluttered and died and we began to go down. I said "Oh Jesus" and woke up. My heart was pounding and I could feel the fear and the next thing I heard was Emma talking in her crib. Now I know people might say it was just one of those dreams that you have when your body is trying to wake up and I kind of thought that too except for how I was feeling and the fact that it was Emma who woke me up. To me it was such a tangible expression of what has happened in my life in the last little while. I struggled so much with not being a Mom. Sometimes feeling so lost and and hurt and like I had a cloud hanging over me. Clouds full of tears. Then God blessed me with Emma and she woke up within me places that I had closed off. Places that were shutting down. Now I have this absolutely beautiful, sweet, precious little girl who makes me laugh and has opened my heart up to a love that I so longed to feel. She woke that up in me. God has used her to bring healing and to fill my life with so much joy. I love being a Mom. I love that God chose me for Emma. What a wonderful thing! A privilege that I don't take lightly. God used Emma to save me and I am so blown away that He chose me to teach her about Him!
I hear my little sweetpea now. Awake after her morning nap. Must go get her and give her a hug!
