She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life...

The above words were taken from something that was shared by a friend of ours at his mother-in-law's funeral service. It was a service that I would have loved to have been at but I wasn't able to make it home (BC) to attend. I am very thankful for technology as I was able to watch a video of the funeral. Ruth was an amazing woman and had the ultimate gift of hospitality. Brian (her son-in-law) was talking about how it says in the Bible that we are to be living epistles and how Ruth didn't have a sermon or a teaching but she had her life. And what an epistle it was! The legacy she has left behind is incredible and she touched more lives than almost anyone else I know. Her passing put me in a reflective frame of mind for a couple of weeks, brought back so many memories and just kind of made me take a look at things in a way that I haven't for a while. What did I come up with in those times of reflection? Well, there were tears of course, thankfulness for having been one of the many hearts and lives she touched, memories of good times and bad, a feeling of gratefulness for having been raised the way I was and being allowed the privilege of knowing people like her because of that. There was also a lot of pondering and questioning. Pondering the things I learned growing up and questioning some things that my heart has been struggling with. Did I come up with answers? No, not really, but I may never have the answers, which makes following after Jesus the mysterious adventure that it is.


I am going to share some of my ponderings with you in the hopes that perhaps it will make you think as well and take a look at your life and heart and those around you. And if it doesn't that's fine too.


I have had so many verses going through my head...


Micah 6:8 - He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.


Psalm 84:11 - For the Lord God is a sun and shield, He gives grace and glory. No good thing does He withhold from them that walk uprightly.


1st Thessalonians 5:22 - But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good; abstain from every form of evil.


1st Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals".


My questions have arisen from thinking about these verses and from different quotes that come to mind such as "Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out" and one I read recently in a book and it was along the lines of how you should surround yourself with people that you want to be like, ie: spiritual mentor type people. So all of this has raised questions for me. What does it mean to do justly and love mercy? To walk humbly and uprightly? What does it mean to be like Jesus? When I really think about it all more though the real question for me isn't 'What does it mean?' but 'What does it look like?'. What does walking in humility and uprightness look like? What does it really look like to be like Jesus? What, in this day and age we live in, is considered evil and what is good and why has it changed? What is considered bad company and why does it seem like 'good morals' are so hard to find?


Growing up we had many things said about us as a family, one of which came up over and over again. We were told we were too legalistic. Now I admit that in some ways perhaps we were and my viewpoint on some issues has changed as I have gotten older but what I am seeing more and more is that even if you just have good strong morals these days you are considered to be legalistic. We are told to be tolerant, to be open first and ask questions later, to join in and do what we need to do to make unbelievers feel comfortable. So here's another question - where do we draw the line? When does making someone feel "comfortable" become us condoning what they do? When does us being tolerant of bad morals and decisions turn into us being seen as no different than anyone else? Romans 12:2 comes to mind - "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." It makes my heart sad to see how so many of us have and are conforming and giving in a little at a time and thinking that it's okay. For me this is where the quote about surrounding yourself with people you want to be like comes in.


I have thought about that, am I surrounding myself with people that I want to be like? The answer at this point in my life, sadly, is no. I do have a few people like my Mom and Gramma and my brother but that is really about it. There have been people in the past. There have been people that have touched my life in profound ways, who have shown me God and so many times it wasn't through sermons or teachings but just by living their lives as unto the Lord and being those living epistles. There have been others who God spoke through whether in sermon or song or prayer or just sharing their hearts. I'm not saying that there isn't anyone around me who doesn't long to live for Christ and to follow after Him because I know many people who have good hearts and intentions and want to do what is right and good. I think in some ways I was spoiled growing up. I had the privilege of being in meetings where the presence of God was so strong all you could do was weep and pray and worship. I am hard pressed now to find a place where that happens. Hard pressed to find a place where the Holy Spirit is allowed to move and work and where total control is given over to God. I get frustrated at times and then keep myself in check and remind myself that what I experienced in the past is passed. But is it? Does not God remain the same day after day? Isn't it us who change over time? Is it wrong of me to long for His presence again? To see lives changed not as we are 'open' and 'tolerant' but as we refuse to give in and conform to what is expected of us? I think there is a fine line between being legalistic and walking uprightly. If you take walking uprightly too far you fall into legalism and then it all becomes rules and no love. If you try to walk uprightly you may be ridiculed for it, called legalistic even, or a party pooper or a stick in the mud or what have you. 


I could go on and on about all of this. It is something that I wrestle with even as Chad and I lead the youth in our home. How my heart longs for them to know the height and depth of God's love but also to truly feel His presence, to understand what it means to be led by the Spirit, something that I have tasted but haven't fully grasped. To know that there is so much more.


I have been blessed. So very blessed. I grew up surrounded by people that, even if at times they were led astray by emotions or just being human, so longed after the heart of God that it changed my life. I long to be back there at times and yet I know that I didn't leave God there. He is here with me now. He lives in me and His Spirit cries out within me for hearts that refuse to be conformed to this world, who refuse to compromise, who long to be transformed and renewed. I feel at times like I am stifled. Like I can't be who God has called me to be. Like I can't share all that I have learned and know and had revealed. I know though that some of that stifling comes from myself. From the fear of once again being called legalistic or intolerant or self-righteous. Oh that I may have the grace to speak in love when the Spirit prompts and to leave the results in the Lord's hands.


Wow, a lot has come out of my few weeks of pondering! I have realized how far I have conformed in some ways and how much I have given up and how I am not even close to being perfect and so far from being like Jesus. I have seen how my heart truly longs for more than I am receiving and longs for it because I know there is more. I have tasted it, felt it, breathed it, been blessed with the privilege of partaking and receiving. 


I long to be one of those people that when I pass away it is also said of me "She didn't have a sermon. She didn't have a teaching. She had her life.".

Chuckles and Tears

I think God was chuckling at me today and most likely shaking His head a little. It was a hard day for me as once again another month has come and gone without us conceiving. I took it a little hard this time and at one point was having thoughts like "I have heard stories of people having bad days and being laid on someone's heart and then getting a visit from said someone that just brightens their day and encourages them. How come things like that never happen to me?". I think that's where the chuckling started as God basically said to me "Are you listening to what you're saying?"


You see, I am a very private person, always have been. There are few people who truly know the depths of my heart or that I am comfortable enough with to pour out my struggles and such and so often when I am going through things no one in my life knows, usually with the exception of my husband and my Mom. My husband because he sees me all the time and knows me so well. My Mom because, well, she is my Mom and even if I don't see her all the time she seems to know. I am, in some ways, a typical middle child. I am the peace keeper, I take care of others, I don't like to be a burden, etc. So I keep things to myself and I work them out with God and have a good cry and get on with my day. There are times though, like today, where I have thoughts like I did. Today was the first time though that I really listened to myself and realized how ridiculous it all was. Why you may ask? Let me explain...


Having someone turn up at my door while I am having a bad day is the worst thing that could happen! Unless it was my Mom or a few other select people I would automatically switch into the "everything is okay" mode and put my feelings and struggles on hold and listen and be there for the other person. If the phone rang I would check the caller ID and only answer if it was certain people and ignore it if it was others. I would feel imposed upon, like my personal space and time was being intruded upon. While other people need someone to turn up and offer words of encouragement I need to be alone so I can cry and pray and get back on track.


What struck me today is how well God knows me. He made me the way I am and He knows that sending someone to my door at a moment like that would make things worse. He knows I just need to cry and spend time with Him and get my thoughts back in order and my determination back where it needs to be. He knows that someone turning up or calling would stress me out more and make me feel like my privacy was being intruded upon. He knows that I will be okay. God created me this way for a reason and I am so thankful He knows how to handle me!


God also knows how much I covet all of your prayers and that to me praying is the best thing you can do. We've heard so much advice and had so much said to us and people have tried to make us feel better but when it comes right down to it the most important thing is prayer and so I want to say thank you to those of you who pray! I am more encouraged by someone lifting us before the Lord than by most words that could be said to us.


Yes, God chuckled at me today, I just know He did, as He showed me again in His own way and yet in a way that He knew would speak to me, that He does know what is best!

What? No TV?!

It's been almost 4 weeks now. Chad and I decided that we were going to stop watching tv and just see how it goes. Almost 4 weeks and only about 4 hours of watching tv. 3 of those hours being Amazing Race because I wanted to know who won and 1 hour of news. That's all. It was kind of strange at first especially for me because with being home all day I had just kind of gotten used to having it on as a source of background noise and in some respects company. We haven't missed it though and the few times we did turn it on it almost felt intrusive! The commercials were so annoying and it just seemed larger than life after not having it on for a while. We have found as well that we have more time for things. Whereas we used to say we 'just didn't have time' we now do! It is amazing when you think that you don't want watch that much tv to realize just how much you really did and how it is such a waste of time. I'm not saying we will never watch it again (we have still been recording our favourite shows in case we want to sit and watch them one day) but we have been enjoying the peace and quiet. We listen to music or just don't have anything on at all. We read or work on puzzles or just get things done that we have been putting off. I even find it more relaxing to just not have it on. I don't think I truly realized how much I missed quiet until we did this. It's been good for us! Give it a try sometime!

Adoption Update

First of all an apology to those of you have been waiting for an update! It has been a long time since I have blogged. Not for lack of things to say as I have so much on my heart and mind right now. I haven't really had the time to sit and process through all of it enough to get it down here though so for today I will just give you an update on our status with the adoption and hopefully soon I will have time to sit and write about what's been on my heart.


The last update I had was as of last Monday, the 5th. We were then #17 on the list. Our profile had been out once in Calgary and was out in Edmonton as well. So not much movement but at least we moved up instead of staying in the same spot and it's good to know our profile has been going out.


Keep us in your prayers! I will admit that we both have been feeling a little impatient. Although we know it will all happen in God's way and God's time, and we wouldn't want it any other way, it is still really hard to wait with all the longing that is in our hearts. It will be 5 years in January since we started on this journey of trying to add to our family and 2 years in March since we went on the adoption waiting list. Oh to hold our little one and to finally be able to share the love that is in our hearts to give!