I think God was chuckling at me today and most likely shaking His head a little. It was a hard day for me as once again another month has come and gone without us conceiving. I took it a little hard this time and at one point was having thoughts like "I have heard stories of people having bad days and being laid on someone's heart and then getting a visit from said someone that just brightens their day and encourages them. How come things like that never happen to me?". I think that's where the chuckling started as God basically said to me "Are you listening to what you're saying?"
You see, I am a very private person, always have been. There are few people who truly know the depths of my heart or that I am comfortable enough with to pour out my struggles and such and so often when I am going through things no one in my life knows, usually with the exception of my husband and my Mom. My husband because he sees me all the time and knows me so well. My Mom because, well, she is my Mom and even if I don't see her all the time she seems to know. I am, in some ways, a typical middle child. I am the peace keeper, I take care of others, I don't like to be a burden, etc. So I keep things to myself and I work them out with God and have a good cry and get on with my day. There are times though, like today, where I have thoughts like I did. Today was the first time though that I really listened to myself and realized how ridiculous it all was. Why you may ask? Let me explain...
Having someone turn up at my door while I am having a bad day is the worst thing that could happen! Unless it was my Mom or a few other select people I would automatically switch into the "everything is okay" mode and put my feelings and struggles on hold and listen and be there for the other person. If the phone rang I would check the caller ID and only answer if it was certain people and ignore it if it was others. I would feel imposed upon, like my personal space and time was being intruded upon. While other people need someone to turn up and offer words of encouragement I need to be alone so I can cry and pray and get back on track.
What struck me today is how well God knows me. He made me the way I am and He knows that sending someone to my door at a moment like that would make things worse. He knows I just need to cry and spend time with Him and get my thoughts back in order and my determination back where it needs to be. He knows that someone turning up or calling would stress me out more and make me feel like my privacy was being intruded upon. He knows that I will be okay. God created me this way for a reason and I am so thankful He knows how to handle me!
God also knows how much I covet all of your prayers and that to me praying is the best thing you can do. We've heard so much advice and had so much said to us and people have tried to make us feel better but when it comes right down to it the most important thing is prayer and so I want to say thank you to those of you who pray! I am more encouraged by someone lifting us before the Lord than by most words that could be said to us.
Yes, God chuckled at me today, I just know He did, as He showed me again in His own way and yet in a way that He knew would speak to me, that He does know what is best!
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