Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A Year in Review and Looking Ahead

Where did 2016 go?! Looking back it feels like it went by so quickly and yet I am sure I had days when it felt like it was a long year.

We spent quite a bit of time out at the lake with my parents both in the winter and in the summer. It is such a treat to be able to go there. So relaxing and quiet and beautiful. Emma feels almost as at home there as she does in our own home and she is always so sad to leave. Such an adventure it is to stay out there and see wildlife and play in the lake and go for walks in the woods and do some fishing and boating and really just whatever we decide to do in the moment. I am so thankful for that place of refuge and for my parents' open arms.

I did gardens again this year but it just wasn't a great year for growing. So very wet sometimes that my plants wouldn't dry out and so dry sometimes that there just wasn't enough water. Still we had a fairly good harvest and Emma loved going out before supper to pick veggies to eat. Our one mighty little apple tree did have a bumper crop this year and we have so much applesauce, apple butter, apple crisp, apple pies. Yum!




Emma turned 4 in June and now she is in the second half of that year already! So many changes for her. She definitely is not a toddler any longer although there are moments when Chad and I need to remind ourselves and each other that she is still only 4 because most of the time she seems so much older. She is reading now, short words of course and she has to sound them all out, but she is doing amazingly well with it and she loves it! We will be losing her to books soon I am sure. She loves to create whether it is pictures or stories or songs. She enjoys colouring once in a while but it seems to bore her because she has to 'stay in the lines'. She would so much rather create something from her vivid imagination and then sit and explain to you what she did and how she did it. Her stories are something else! She can go on and on and on and we are looking forward to the day when she can write so that she can record them all. She is musical, loved doing gymnastics this fall, has a great sense of humor, spreads joy wherever she goes, is as stubborn as ever and striving to be more independent while still clinging to Mommy's hand. We love her so and it is such a blessing and joy to watch her grow and bloom.




Chad kept busy at work as always. It's been a stressful couple of years for him with no hopes of it slowing down. While we are so thankful for the job security that he has it is tough sometimes to see the toll it is taking on him. We will be starting 2017 with trying to get him healthy and strong and more able to deal with the stress. We painted Emma's bedroom and closet in the fall and also redid all the trim which kept Chad busy for a number of weeks as he only had an hour or so a day to work on it all. He spends as much time as he can with Emma and it makes my heart smile to see how they love each other and how devoted he is to her. The man she ends up marrying is going to have an awful lot to live up to! His girls are so blessed to love him and be loved by him!




Not much has happened in regards to the adoption. We are still on the waiting list and have been for over 3 years now. Apparently the average wait is now up to 3-4 years so hopefully it will happen soon. I have moments of wondering if we should even still be on the list as I watch Emma grow and yet my heart knows that our family isn't finished yet and so I continue to wait and pray and at times shed a few tears. This Christmas was a hard one for me as I had so hoped your baby would be here. I was hanging the stockings up one day and the tears began to fall. I had so hoped to be hanging 4 instead of 3. Emma asks multiple times a week when I think the baby might come and she told me one day that she misses the baby and just wishes she could hold it. It is hard on our hearts to wait and yet the joy when the time comes will outshine it all and we will see God's hand in it yet again.

As for me, well, there has been quite a bit going on. I found out recently, after some testing, that I have some genetic mutations that explain pretty much every physical struggle I have had all my life. It may even explain our inability to get pregnant. I will admit that when I first started finding out about it all I went into a bit of a tailspin for a couple of days. I had one weekend where I was very discouraged and emotional until Chad and I had a talk about it and I said the words I needed to say which were that I was so sorry that it might be me and that I was so sorry that I had never been able to give him a baby. Being the man my husband is he answered pretty much exactly as I knew he would and told me he had never thought of it like that, that if it hadn't been for our infertility we would not have Emma and that I didn't need to apologize. Our family is as it should be. Some of the implications can be serious in that I am at a higher risk for some things like certain types of cancer, Alzheimers and Parkinsons but the part that was the hardest to deal with was the thought that I could be infertile because of some of this. The genetic mutations I have are not serious in and of themselves. They mostly just explain a number of previously unexplainable things and what it all really boils down to is that my body does not detoxify properly and so I end up feeling sick and in me it manifests as depression, mood swings, weight gain, being achy all over etc. I am very sensitive to chemicals and my body can't get rid of the effects of them on my system so they build up in my body. It is the same with a number of foods and supplements. I end up feeling like I am being poisoned which in effect I am. It has been so good to finally have answers and to have a way to deal with it all (mostly certain supplements to help the detoxification, staying away from certain foods, using safe cleaning and personal products etc) and to know that it isn't all in my head or that I am just being paranoid. It really boils down to I just need to take care of myself in a more specific way and if/when people question my diet or lifestyle choices to not let it get to me but to know I am doing the right thing so that my quality of life can be better and Emma can have a happier and healthier Momma and Chad can have a healthier and happier wife. Which brings me to the next big thing going on for me.....

I have used essential oils for a number of years for different things like colds/flu, tummy issues, sleep issues, etc. and this past summer I signed up with Young Living Essential Oils initially just to use the oils myself but once I started using them I loved them and I am now pursuing a business through Young Living as a distributor and team leader. With the sensitivities I have to chemicals Young Living has been an answer to prayer for me. There are so many products out there that I cannot use and the ones I can are pricey. With Young Living I now have access to amazing products that are organic and chemical free and because the essential oils are so pure I can make my own laundry detergent, hand soap, skin care etc and know that it isn't going to harm me or make me feel sick. Even Emma is to the point that if she has a tummy ache or owie she comes to me and asks for oils to make it feel better. How I love being able to take care of my family with products that will only bring them health and not harm them! I recently did a 'business bootcamp' where for 6 weeks we were trained in getting started in the business and on personal development. Chad is working on a website for me. I already have a number of people on my team and a couple of them are also interested in pursuing the business. I love that I can work at it as I have time and without it taking away from family time. And I am learning so much! We will see where it all goes for me. Being able to help people care for themselves and their families in a healthy and safe way excites me! When my website is ready to launch I will post the link here. For now you can go to www.youngliving.com or my Facebook page
https://www.facebook.com/JulieSakalukYL/


I think I am ready for 2017. How can one ever be ready though for what they don't know is ahead? How thankful I am for a God who knows and cares and that because I know Him I don't need to worry about what tomorrow or the next year holds. I am excited to see what He has in store for us as a family and for me as an individual!




A very Happy New Year to all of you! May the year ahead hold joy and peace and love and a certainty that the One who holds all of your tomorrows also holds you in the palm of His hand and loves you with an everlasting love. God bless.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Encouraging

This month's update is a little more encouraging than the last few have been. 😊 We have moved up to number 11 on the list! The agency had a busy summer as they placed two sibling groups with a total of 6 kids. They are also working with a few birthmoms right now. Our profile hasn't been out recently but that's okay. At least we moved up!

I was out for a walk the other night and was thinking about the seasons changing and was wondering whether or not this new season will include growth in our family. Only God knows. While we continue to wait we will be busy. Emma started music class last week and starting this year she has homework and it is much more involved. She is also starting gymnastics next week plus homeschool preschool. We are both really looking forward to all of that and it will be wonderful to watch her grow and learn and have fun and make friends.

The weather has certainly changed. Fall is my favourite season and I am hoping for a nice long fall, and perhaps opening my home and heart to a new little one.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Adoption Update as Promised

In my last post I talked about how things have been really slow in the adoption world whether due to birthmoms keeping their babies or to termination. I hope and pray it is the former. That slowness is reflected in the update I received from the agency today. We are currently at #14 (we haven't moved in a couple of months at least) with one couple on hold ahead of us and one couple matched. Our profile has not been viewed since February. The average wait is now 3 years and we will be at our 3 year mark this fall.

If I think about it for too long I get fairly discouraged and so I try not to think about it. I am thankful for busyness. Right now I am up to my elbows in apples from our tree, making apple butter, applesauce, apple crisp, apple pies and dried apples. This weekend Emma and I are heading to the lake for a week. I am starting to figure out curriculum and a schedule for school for Emma. Her music lessons and gymnastics start in September. I have a garden that will need to be harvested. It is good to be busy.

I told Emma her adoption story again today because she chose a book about adoption for her naptime story. When I told her how much Mommy and Daddy love her she said "Even more than salt water taffy?" 😊 She knows that is my favourite candy.

Your prayers and support are appreciated as we continue to wait. This is yet another time in my life when I wish I knew what God's plan is. I know it is better than anything I could have planned and that He knows what He is doing and so really there is nothing we can do but wait and trust. I remind myself often that even though things look discouraging we could still get "the call" at any moment.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

10 Years

"Now you're here and everything's changing. Suddenly life means so much. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and find out this promise is true. I will never have to go back to the day before you."

Those are lyrics from a song that is from our wedding day. July 22nd was our 10th anniversary! 10 years! Gone in the blink of an eye and yet sometimes it feels longer. I think that's because when we finally came into each other's lives we felt like we had just always known each other. As if "we" had just always been. When I look back at photos and see the joy in our faces and the love in our eyes I remember the "firsts" and the sweetness of it all.

10 years and I am still in awe of the man God gave to me. Or perhaps I should say that I am in awe of how God answered my every hope and dream and yet even more abundantly. I was recently asked what makes our marriage so strong and I will admit that at first I had no idea what to say. What did come to mind though were two words. Grace and respect. I am thankful to say, and I pray it is always so, that our marriage has never really hit a rough patch. We have been through a lot in the 10 years but rather than our marriage taking a hit I think it has made it stronger. We have needed each other and supported each other through some emotionally and physically hard times and we are blessed to be a team. I think so much of that is because of the grace we extend each other and the respect we have for each other as partners and people. Neither one of us is perfect and we drive each other crazy at times. There are things we could each point out about the other person that we don't like or that irritates us or that we think needs to change but rather than dwelling on and harping on those things we have chosen to accept each other as we are, to extend grace rather than nitpick, to love rather than tear down. To recognize that neither one of us is perfect and that we both make mistakes. When we do make those mistakes they are talked about and discussed and we share our hearts but we don't dwell, we don't drag up past infractions. I respect my husband so much for the man of integrity that he is. I trust his judgment. I rely on his common sense and wisdom. I turn to him when I need council. He in turn does the same with me. We are best friends, a team. We most certainly don't have it all figured out and we never will but I so love the feeling of security that comes with knowing that we have each other's backs and that we won't uncover each other's faults or imperfections around others. That the relationship we have built means something and that we are faithful to each other.

I haven't loved every moment of the 10 years we have been married but I am thankful for each one. Thankful for the memories made and the lessons learned and the love shared and the strength we have been to each other. I am truly blessed to call Chad my husband, to be his wife.  I will cherish the last 10 years and look forward to so very many more!





Adoption Update:
I don't have much of an update on the adoption front. Chad told me recently about a news story where adoption was being talked about and how adoption rates are down and the average wait is now 3 years. The director from our agency was actually interviewed and she said there has been a huge downturn in adoptions. The hope of course is that more birth moms are choosing to keep their baby but it also means that more lives are likely being terminated. The news of the downturn is reflected in our waiting as when I last checked in there really hadn't been movement on the waiting list and our spot hadn't changed at all and our profile hadn't been out since February. We are almost at our 3 year wait. Some days, the ones where Emma talks about "the baby" as if the baby is coming tomorrow, are tough. There is nothing we can do though except to keep waiting. I will be checking in with the agency this coming week for another update as I do the first week of every month. I will post again once I heard from them.



Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Moments in Time

In some ways it feels like we didn't even have winter this year. It was so very mild and not lots of snow. That means we have had a beautifully early spring but it also means we are in for a very dry summer. Time is flying by and I can't believe we are in the second half of April already!

There are times though when it doesn't seem like time is flying by and those are the moments when it hits me again how long we have been waiting this time for "the" phone call. Moments when I would just like to sit and have a good cry about it all because sometimes the waiting just hurts so much. For the most part life is filled with joy and love and little girl giggles and adventures and listening to an incredibly active imagination at play. But there are moments in time when I just want to sit and hold a baby again and experience all those firsts again. I am part of a moms group that meets every week and I have really been enjoying it. The girls in my group are all so great and I have made some sweet friendships and I appreciate them and am thankful I joined. There are moments there though too where it is just so hard. I am surrounded by beautiful women who have had or are having babies. There are announcements being made all the time and baby bumps all over the place. I am so happy for them and love seeing the toothless baby smiles but there are moments when it is almost more than I can take. Where it is another reminder that I am just waiting and there is nothing I can do about it.

This morning at the moms group there was a speaker who was sharing on grief. Most of it was centred around losing a loved one but of course things came up like broken marriages, loss of jobs, loss of health etc. I have know for a long time that I have and probably always will grieve my lack of fertility, the loss of a dream I had all my life of bearing lots of children. At times I even feel like less of a woman somehow because I haven't been able to conceive. Sometimes it hurts so much and yet I don't talk about it because there really aren't people in my life who would understand and because I don't easily share my heart with people. Don't want to bother others with my burdens but also don't want them to feel awkward in a situation that they don't understand. What happens then of course is I bottle it up and try to pretend it's not there. So today I decided to blog about it. I haven't written for so long and part of that is my way of bottling up. I don't want to just write shallow, flippant posts but it's also draining and hard for me to write what's really going on in my heart. It takes a lot out of me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not living in depression or any such thing. My life is so full right now. I have a beautiful little girl who is turning 4 in June (already!) who loves to give spontaneous hugs and kisses and sing me songs that she made up and help me with whatever I'm doing and who is learning what it means to be able to pray whenever and wherever she is. She is light and joy and she makes us laugh and I am so incredibly proud of the little person she is. I have a husband who is truly my constant. When it feels like things are falling apart or when I feel anxious about life he is there and he is constant and he loves me. I have a dog who is loyal and loving. I have a beautiful home and big yard and space for gardens. I am so incredibly, beautifully blessed! That is what gets me through those moments of sadness and grief. Counting my blessings and seeing what God has done and hoping and trusting in what He is going to do. It doesn't mean I don't still cry at times and in all honesty I just feel like I probably always will. Like it is my own silent grief that will always be there. I am coming to terms with that and learning to just live and let God be God and trust that He truly has my best interests in mind. You know, my life hasn't gone at all the way I always hoped and dreamed. For that I am thankful. I can look back and see how God has worked and moved and led and guided and protected and because of His faithfulness I can still trust. Some days it is so very hard to do so but still I cling to that unchanging hand and trust that He is always there.

When you think of me please pray for me. For us. I told Emma her adoption story again recently and explained to her again that we are waiting for a baby to come and live with us. She asked me the other day when the baby is coming. In her own little way she is also waiting. She will tell me how she is going to help me and she will talk about being a sister. She is going to be such a wonderful big sister. We all hope the phone call comes soon but until that call comes your prayers are coveted and appreciated. We have been on and are on quite a journey.

As of the first of April we were number 16 on the waiting list with 2 couples on hold ahead of us. Our  profile was out once in March with a birth family but it sounded as though birth mom was deciding to keep the baby.

So we wait. We wait and we live and we love and we hope and when those moments of sadness or hurt come I let myself feel it and then I look up again, count my multitude of blessings and carry on. Life is too short to live in despair!

Here are a couple pictures of the joy of our lives. By far our biggest blessing! She is such a remarkable gift to us and to all who know her. How truly blessed we are!




"Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Teach me Lord to wait."




Monday, January 4, 2016

Quick Update

As promised here is a quick update from the adoption agency that I received today.

We are currently number 19 on the waiting list with 2 couples on hold ahead of us. Yay for being out of the 20s finally! Our profile hasn't been shown since September which is a little discouraging but now that we are in the teens the chances of it being shown go up quite a bit.

Hopefully it will be be soon...

Friday, January 1, 2016

A New Year Begins

Have I really not written anything since July?! There have been so many times that I thought about sitting down to write, so many things on my heart to write about, so much going on in my head but I just never did it. I thought that with it being the new year though I would sit down and write, give a little update, post a few pictures and hopefully get back into writing mode again. It's good for me to write rather than keep things all bottled up and I need to get back to it.

2015. It was an interesting year for me. It was a year full of much stress, which is evidenced by the grey hairs I seem to have to accumulated throughout the year. I won't go into the details of said stress because it would take much too much time and perhaps bore you! Suffice it to say that I have been learning so much about myself and my health and where I am with God and what I need to work on and what I need to accept and what I need to let go of. There was lots of good along with the stress as well like time spent out at the lake and Emma's birthday and a little family vacation we took this fall. Lots of love and laughter. 

I am looking forward to 2016. I don't have any resolutions because truthfully I know I won't keep them! Instead I am looking forward with hope and anticipation of what God has in store. I am so thankful that He knows what the new year holds because that means I don't have to worry about it. I can take things one day at a time. The days are flying by so swiftly and I need to slow down and appreciate them because before I know it Emma will be grown and gone. One of the many things I have thought about so much in the last few months is just how precious my time with her is. All too soon these days will be over and I so don't want to look back on them with regret for not having spent time with her or enjoying the time I do have with her enough. So I will leave the details of 2016 in the Lord's hands and just enjoy my little family and all of our many blessings.

Emma has grown and changed so much in this last year. We started doing homeschool preschool in the fall and she absolutely loves it! She can write her own name (and signed many Christmas cards this year!) and is starting to want to know how to spell other words. I have the feeling she will be reading early.



She is very much a kid now with no baby left in her except for when she is sick and needs her Mommy. She is quite the conversationalist and she loves music and singing and making up her own songs and stories. She is still taking music lessons and next week she starts ballet as well. She also loves trains and fast cars. She enjoys drawing and is getting to be quite good. She drew a picture of Minnie Mouse the other day.


 She loves wearing dresses and twirling around and hearing her Daddy tell her how beautiful she is.


She has been doing a great job lately of dressing herself and it's always fun to see what outfit she comes up with!


She is still always our little helper in everything we do. She has such a natural nurturing spirit, loves to take care of people and help whenever she can. Something I so want to encourage in her. She is as stubborn as ever but as sweet as ever too. Our amazing gift from above. We love her more than words could ever express and I am still often in awe that God entrusted her to me. I pray often that God would help me be the Momma she needs me to be. I fail so many times but God is faithful and I am learning to go to Him more and more for strength and wisdom.

My parents moved out to their lake house this fall. They put so many hours into building a home that is so peaceful and restful. A refuge from the city. We were able to spend a couple of nights with them this week and I didn't want to leave the peace and solitude. It's been an adjustment having them be a couple of hours away but it is so good to see them loving it out there and to see the peace that fills their hearts and is evident in their countenances. They need to be out there and I so understand that. It is a huge blessing for us to have a place to go to get away from the city and enjoy some down time. 


There isn't really much news to share on the adoption front. Last time I checked in we were number 20 on the list with some couples on hold ahead of us. I will admit I was truly hoping our baby would come home in 2015. In retrospect though I can see God's hand and timing in it all. He knows what we can handle and when and He knew last year was not the right time. I am feeling more ready and prepared and eager now and am hoping it isn't too much longer. Emma knows we are waiting and she talks often about "when the baby comes". It will be an exciting time to be sure. I will be getting another update next week as to where we are on the waiting list and I will post again to let you all know.

As you look ahead to the new year that lies before you I hope you have an anticipation for what God has in store. A trust that He is holding you and guiding you and will be with you no matter what comes your way. May 2016 be filled with joy and growth and hope.