Thursday, April 14, 2011

Learning

Today is a cold snowy wintry day! Yes, it the 14th of April and we are having a snowstorm that is leaving quite a bit of snow in it's wake, on top of the snow that still hasn't disappeared. A good day to stay inside, do some laundry, do some housework and finally blog!


A couple of weeks ago we went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. It was so very good! I loved it! He is amazing live and I felt like I was living my late teens-early twenties all over again. As great as it was to hear all my favorite SCC songs and to join in and to be led in worship by him there were a couple of things that stood out to me that didn't have anything to do with music. Their family has been through alot with the accidental death of their daughter a few years ago and I was so touched by what God has done and is doing through them and in them as a result. His sons were there and they have a band of their own which opened up for Steven plus they were his band for his concert. I will post a video at the end of this of one of his new songs which they performed. It felt like an anthem, like a declaration that he and his family were making. Very powerful.


Steven told a story that struck a cord in me and it was exactly what God knew I needed to hear and I wanted to share it as I am sure it will resonate with many people and perhaps help someone else who needs to hear it...


One of Steven's little girls needed to take some medication in pill form. She had a very hard time swallowing pills and she struggled and choked and coughed and cried and tried and tried and tried. At one point she looked at him and said "Do you love me Daddy?". He said that in that instant he saw himself reflected in her eyes and in her question. How often, when we are in the depths of despair or hurting or struggling do we ask that question ourselves. "Do you love my Daddy? Do you love me God? If You do than why are You making me go through this?". He said that this time he also saw it from a different point of view....the father's. As his little girl's daddy he saw and understood how God must feel when we are in those times of struggle and we wonder if He has forgotten. Steven wanted to help his daughter, to take the hurt away, to take away the struggle and the pain and the confusion but he knew that she needed to persevere, that she needed to overcome, that she needed to go through it so she would be stronger in the end. It broke his heart to watch her but he knew that if he just made it all better she would never learn, never grow, never be stronger. 


That story hit me right where God knew it would. How often in the last few years, and especially the last few months, have I felt the same way and essentially asked the same question as Steven's little girl? I never considered it from God's point of view though. It was just feeling like it was something I had to go through just because. Never once did it dawn on me that it hurts God to see me hurting like this and that maybe He wants to make it all better but He knows that infertility/pregnancy/miscarriage is something I need to go through to make me stronger, to make me grow, to stretch me and create in me the character that needs to be there. It was actually a freeing moment for me. Of course I cried! But it felt like I finally understood something I hadn't totally understood before and it actually hurt me to think of God hurting for me. To think that He loves me so much that He just wants to take away the hurt and frustration but His love is even stronger yet and He knows I need to go through it. It makes it easier in a way. I almost feel like I can call upon Him in a different way than before just knowing that He hasn't forgotten and that He wants to see me through this and wants me to get to the other side.


Geoff Moore was also there. He and Steven have been the best of friends for over 25 years and so of course he went through their whole tragedy with them and talked about how much he has learned from just watching them and standing with them. He had a description for what they went through that has stuck with  me and changed my thinking a little. He described it as a "hard blessing". Wow. To be able to look back and call something as devastating as losing a child a hard blessing to me speaks so loudly of God's mercy and grace and goodness and love. Such a loaded phrase. Instead of calling it a tragedy or trauma or devastation and calling it a hard blessing, makes you look at things a little differently and really see how God works and moves and how we can't make it without Him. So instead of complaining and bemoaning my situation may I see it as a hard blessing. So very hard to go through but with abundant blessings in the midst of it as I lean on the Lord and experience His amazing love and faithfulness.


I learned more in that 3 hours than I have for a while and I am so thankful that we went to that concert. 


So when you are feeling as if God has forgotten and wondering if your heavenly father loves you, please remember that it hurts Him so much to see you hurting but He knows it is in your best interest to persevere. Hold to His unchanging hand and rejoice that you don't have to go through life alone. His hard blessings can change your life and create in you character that is more and more like Jesus.





Thursday, April 7, 2011

Update

I have quite a bit that I want to blog about, thoughts flying around in my mind that I want to get down, but for now I am going to settle with just giving you all an update on our adoption status. Hopefully soon I will have the time to actually sit and blog!


I emailed the agency this week and found out that we are now #30 on the list! Almost out of the 30s! There are 3 couples ahead of us who have been matched with birthmoms so we should be moving up a few more spots soon. There are also a couple of birthmoms who haven't seen any profiles yet. Our profile did go out once in March which is encouraging because it should start going out more and more now.


Perhaps we will have good news this year!