Meeting Again for the Very First Time

Last week Chad, Emma and I met with the birthgrandparents and birthbrothers. It was a nice little visit and good to spend a bit of time with them. It was interesting to meet the boys and see who Emma looks like and learn a little bit about them. The little two year helped me see what Emma will look like in two years. Such precious boys. Definitely a resemblance between them all.

Today though was a very special visit. Emma and I had a time set up to meet with birthmom K. I was so looking forward to it but praying lots as well and trusting that God was going with us. Even moreso though I was praying for K. I knew it would be tough for her to see Emma again and greatly respected her for wanting to see Emma again even though it may hurt her heart. It was so very good to see K.  She looks amazing! So healthy and happy and peaceful. There is life and light in her eyes. She has a plan and a goal that she is working towards. Becoming a practical nurse so she can eventually work in a detox type centre. She has worked so hard to get her life back on track and is now making wise choices and is feeling good about the plans she has. She loves where she is living and plans to stay there. It did my heart good to see her doing well and with plans that make her heart happy. I am so proud of her and the steps she has taken and the things she is working through and dealing with. I know the struggle will always potentially be there but she is determined and trying her best and I know God will continue to be her strength.

Emma did so well. She cuddled with K for a while and eventually warmed up enough to smile and talk a little and have her picture taken. I was able to ask K some questions about what her likes and interests and hobbies are so I know what Emma may want to be involved in. Emma looks like her in a way but in other ways she is very much her own little self too. I was so glad that she didn't play shy and K was able to spend some time with her.

K is my hero in many ways. I respect and admire her like I respect and admire no one else. Yes, there have been bad decisions in the past but she is working through all of that and given up so much to get on the right track. I pray that God blesses her and continues to give her the strength and determination to stay on track and live the life she has always wanted to live. May her life be full of love and hope and peace and may the healing that has begun continue.

Seeing K today, looking so much healthier and happier and even more beautiful than when we first met her, was like meeting her all over again for the very first time. A precious young woman who has blessed us with more love and joy than we could ever express.

Cakes and Creativity

This past weekend I had a moment where I was once again so thankful that I was homeschooled. My niece's bridal shower was on the weekend (when did she grow up?!) and I made a cake for the shower. I have always loved making cakes and baking and being a little creative with it. I had a discussion with a couple of the ladies there as they asked me how I made the cake and they commented on my creativity. I was actually asked if I was lefthanded and there was surprise when I said no. As if only lefthanded people can be creative. I told the ladies that I get it from my Mom. She is just creative in a different way with her amazing seamstress skills. I thought about it quite a bit after that though and really truly believe that being homeschooled is part of it as well. My Mom saw where my interests were and encouraged me in them. I became the resident cake maker for birthdays and other occassions and my family put up with my experimenting with different baking recipes. I am not sure how much I would have done had I been in a school where I was just lumped in with the other kids. These days I know schools have different things such as cooking and cosmetology and that sort of thing but way back when it wasn't so. I just felt so thankful that I had been blessed to be homeschooled where my talents and interests were encouraged and at times were actually a part of my schooling. I loved my home economics course! I so look forward to seeing what Emma's talents and interests are as she grows and develops and to encouraging them in her and including them in with her schooling.
I also saw something on the weekend that I have known for a long time but was once again confirmed. My Mom and I are so much alike! Just seeing the way we put our gifts together and the ideas that we had. It's funny because at times something will come up and I will say to Chad "I am so much like my Mom" and he will rather sarcastically say "Really? I hadn't noticed". I do have alot of my Dad in me as well and remember times growing up where they would be discussing something and not quite seeing each other's point of view and because I understood where they were both coming from I was able to kind of help things along. I am pretty proud of the fact that I am like my Mom. What better person to be like? I also find that the older I get the more I physically see myself in her. Which is fine with me because Mom is a beautiful, vibrant, healthy woman. I am definitely my Mom's daughter and I am okay with that!

Here is a photo of the cake I did on the weekend. Thanks to my Mom for encouraging my talents and interests!

Delay

Yesterday we received a call that there is a delay in our adoption finalization. We were to the point where the first filing in court was done, then all the paperwork was sent back. We had our criminal record checks done in March/April of this year as it was our two year mark of being on the waiting list and they needed to be renewed but apparently the courts want us to do them again as it has been 6 months. We have had Emma for more than 4 of those months so you would think that they would know that we haven't exactly been robbing banks or harming childern or anything! I was pretty frustrated but know that we just need to keep jumping through hoops and see it through to the end. The other thing is that we are not sure if the records office is receiving applications this week as the office is moving and will in fact be closed next week. The way it is looking everything may not be finalized now until December! I must say though how thankful I was that our social worker wasn't calling to say that someone was fighting to take Emma back! Delays I can handle.
Other than that life is going along at a fast pace. We have been really busy, too busy. We are seeing things through until the break over the December holidays and then are going to reevaluate everything we are involved in and which ones to step down from. I can see the negative effects of our busyness on Emma some days and really don't like that. Plus Chad and I have both been feeling run down. I am looking forward to going into hibernation with my little girl this winter and soaking in all her milestones and "first times" and just enjoying the beautiful little person she is.
Smiles, trying to roll over, getting ready to start on solid foods, favourite position is standing, trying to giggle, playing with her toys, intentionally just wanting to cuddle and so much more...all the things we are enjoying with our little sweetpea right now. It's fun!
Here are some recent photos for those of you who aren't on Facebook...

Emma Update

I realize it has been a long time since I have posted on here. Life has certainly gotten busier! I thought I should give everyone an update though on how things are going. I just read through my last post and cried more tears as I relived the emotions and goodness of God. Hard to believe that more than two months have come and gone!
First of all an update on the status of the adoption. We have done pretty much everything we need to do on our part except pay our last installment. The paperwork has been filled out and signed and now we are waiting on a lawyer to get a certain paper (I can't remember what it is called) that is needed as the birthdad has not signed the papers to release Emma. He has agreed to the adoption but not signed the papers. He is considered unfit to be a parent and so it is just a matter of the lawyer getting that legally stated on a piece of paper so that our papers can all be submitted. With summer holidays and appointments having to be made with judges and such it is looking like the adoption won't be offical until around the end of October. I would so love it if everything was signed and sealed by Thanksgiving! (The middle of October for my American friends:)) What a wonderful thing to be thankful for! We will be so relieved when everything is said and done. We know she won't be taken back but how amazing it will be to have her officially be a Sakaluk!
Life with Emma is everything I have longed for and so much more. She is such a good little girl who is very content and happy and healthy. A true snuggler which I love! She is smiling lots and finding her voice and wanting to stand when we hold her and just growing so quickly! She had her two month checkup this week and she is perfectly healthy! She is now 22" long and 11lbs! Her hair is coming in so dark and looks like it will be thick and I am looking forward to braids and curls and barrettes and ponytails! She has captured the hearts of everyone in our families and has been able to spend quite a bit of time with grandparents and some of her aunts, uncles and cousins this summer. She already loves to be read to and has quite the conversations with anyone who will sit and talk with her.
I have felt overwhelmed on many days. Not with how life is now so much as with the unspeakable blessing it is to be Emma's mommy. I have felt overwhelmed so many times that God chose me to raise this beautiful little girl and how I long for her to grow to know how much God loves her and how much He has already been at work in her life. As much as I want her to be happy and healthy and to follow her dreams and all of that I so much more want for her to know and love the One who has not only taken care of her thus far but who knit her together and created her to be exactly who she is. I sat one day and spent time praying over her and the word "joy" kept coming to me. Not so much to pray that Emma would have joy but that she does have joy and that joy is going to bubble up out of her and touch so many people and change so many lives. I could see her in a couple years running around and smiling and spreading joy everywhere she went and touching every life she came in contact with. May it be true. May God be so present and so real that His joy just bubbles up out of her and she shares it with all she comes in contact with. God truly has His hand on her and I pray for so much wisdom in raising her, that the same Lord who has entrusted her to me will enable me to raise her to be the amazing young woman that I know He is going to call her to be. She is a treasure, a gift, a responsibility, a blessing that I can not believe God has entrusted me with. I will and do love her with as much love as my heart can hold. We are truly a blessed family!

Emma Marlane - A Most Precious Gift

The Call. I lost track of how many scenarios played out in my head of where we might be when the call came, what we might be doing, if it was a good time for us or not or if we would be in the middle of something. When the call came though we were simply dishing up our dinner. The phone rang, I saw who was calling on the caller ID and all of a sudden I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer or not, I just knew, and in that instant of knowing every emotion you can think of flashed through me and in me. By the time the phone call was over the overriding feeling was one of shock. We waited for such a long time and at times it felt like it would never happen but then all of sudden there it was, everything our hearts had been hoping and praying for. Thus began a whirlwind of a week! Let me share with you the story of out little Emma Marlane and how full our hearts are of God's goodness, perfect timing and answers to prayer...

Tuesday, June 5th. The day we got the call. We were told that we had been chosen and that the baby was due on June 27th. The plan was that we were going to set up a time to meet with the birth family and get to know each other and see how everyone felt about the situation and go from there. (Before I go any further I want to tell you all that I am going to do my utmost to not uncover the birthmom (hereafter referred to simply as K) in any way, shape or form. She is a precious girl who needs lots of love and prayer.) We then received a call a couple of days later saying that the meeting was going to take place on Monday, June 11th in the evening and the birthgrandparents (B & J) would be there as well. So we had the weekend to prepare at least a little bit! Up to this point we had nothing except for a few sleepers and a play yard! We were feeling a little panicky and extremely overhwhelmed. I know without a doubt that God was chuckling at us! Chad and I are very similar and we like to have all of our ducks in a row and be prepared! We did a bit of shopping and lots of talking as we wondered about the birthfamily and the baby and what was going to happen and how we just felt like it was right. There were some circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and such that we needed to discuss but I know that for both of us we just knew this was right. On Saturday morning Chad told me that he thought we needed to go out and buy a car seat, just in case. Sears was having a sale too and so we went shopping again. The rest of that weekend was packed as we attended a party for one of our youth, went to church and were part of a photo shoot with our youth group. We had agreed to not tell anyone, except our parents, that we had been chosen until we had a chance to meet with the birthfamily. It was so hard not to say anything to our youth who have prayed for so long and been waiting with us!

On Sunday just before 9:30pm we received another call that truly changed our whole world...K was in labour! 2 weeks early! We might be able to bring our baby home the next night! There most definitely was no sleep for me that night! We called our parents again and then all of our siblings to let them know what was going on. That was fun! :) Chad went to work the next day instead of sitting around and just waiting and I did some running around trying to find more necessities and taking Finlay to the dog kennel. We were supposed to be at the hospital by 3 and of course just before Chad left work things kind of exploded there. Funny how that happens. He was a little later than planned getting home but we still made it to the hospital on time. Before I tell you about meeting everyone for the first time let me share a few things with you...

When Sheila, our social worker, called she told us that this birthfamily had requested to see profiles of Christian couples. That meant so much to me! A part of me had so been hoping we wouldn't be chosen because we have a dog or wear glasses or like to travel. I wanted it to be deeper than that and when Sheila told me I was so deeply grateful and it just resonated deep within me. Chad and I have both always known, although we never discussed it with each other, that our adopted baby was going to be a girl. Don't ask how we knew but we both did, and not just in the past couple of weeks but for as long as we have been on the waiting list and actually for me it has been for as long as we have been married I knew our first would be a girl. So of course I wasn't surprised when Sheila called on Monday morning to say the baby was a girl. She also told me that we didn't have to feel like we were going into an interview. Once you have been chosen the birthfamily has access to your in depth home study which means they know more about you than pretty much anyone else in your life. She told me they had read through it all and were in love with us and wanted to meet us. Another huge blessing! She also told me numerous times that because of some of the circumstances surrounding the whole situation there is no way the baby would be taken back. Wow! I had so been dreading the 10 day period where the birthmom can change her mind. Blessing upon blessing!

Monday, June 11th. We got to the hospital right on time and waited for a bit with Sheila downstairs and then she took us up to meet the birthfamily and the baby. We had no idea what to expect and yet I can honestly say that I had such a peace through this whole thing. Kind of like being in the eye of the storm when all around you is crazy but you are at peace. As soon as we walked in the room we all started visiting and joking around and laughing and there was almost a recognition of spirits I guess you could say. Birthgrandpa (B) and birthmom (K) had both been adopted themselves and almost right away B told us that he really wanted us to know that to them this wasn't "giving up a baby" it was presenting us with a gift. What an amazing gift! B had been holding the baby but he gave her to K and asked K to hand her to me which she did. The baby was beautiful! Absolutely perfect! Truly a gift from heaven above. Chad held her after a while and when he had her B asked Sheila to leave the room and he then did something I had so been hoping would happen but hadn't voiced. He asked if he could pray with us. He laid hands on Chad and the baby, I was holding onto Chad with one hand and K's hand in the other and B prayed a blessing over us and gave us his blessing. As soon as he was done I told him that I had so badly been hoping that would happen and he just laughed and gave me a hug. We talked about how we are all part of God's family, all adopted and just what a gift that is. It was like we were family in a strange kind of way. We ended up staying at the hospital for 4 hours. K decided to go home that night which meant we could bring baby home that night. We had to wait for the lawyer to come and for K and baby to be discharged and all of that. We spent quite a bit of time all of us in the hospital room together but we also let B and K have lots of time with the baby. I did have chance to ask K a couple of questions and found out that she knew as soon as she found out she was pregnant that she would be choosing adoption and when I asked her why us she said that a big reason was because I am going to be a stay at home mom and that meant so much to her as her Mom did the same with her. K was truly a sweetheart. I could have just sat and talked with her and hugged her and prayed for her.

Chad and I had a name picked out before we went to the hospital but I have always loved the name Emma. We kind of stayed away from it because it is always so high on the popular names list and we didn't want to use it because of that. A part of me though still would have loved to use it. When we got to the hospital and saw the paperwork that K had filled out she had put the baby's name down as Emma and it turns out it is also K's middle name! It was my great-grandma's name as well. So Chad and I talked about it and agreed to keep it. It is like it was always meant for her. Her middle name is, of course, my Mom's name and it is also my middle name. Quite often when an adoptive family changes the baby's name they will keep the name the birthmom chose as a middle name and when we told them we were keeping Emma as her first name they were so very happy and it made me even happier that we decided to keep it. Emma means "whole, complete" and it is so fitting as she has made our family whole.

The time came for B and K to leave the hospital and we again gave them some time with Emma. When they left we all hugged each other and K and I cried together and my heart broke for her as I watched her have to turn her back on this perfect little gift from above. What strength it took to do that! What love for her little girl! We left the hospital shortly thereafter and have been home with our precious Emma for a week now.

Until today I haven't really had time to sit and think and process and feel everything that has happened. It was such a whirlwind of events and there were people coming and going and we were taking her places to introduce her to people and I got quite sick and on and on and on. Today is our first full day home by ourselves and I have noticed a contentment in my heart that has been missing for so very long. I am a mom. I have a beautiful little girl who looks at me with her big brown eyes full of adoration and trust and I just want to be the best mom a little girl ever had. I think about my Gramma and how much she would have loved Emma and vice versa and how thrilled Gramma would be that Emma is named after Gramma's mother. I think of the miscarriage I had last year and how if that had never happened I would never have known Emma. Yes, I still wish I could have known that little baby but I know that baby is with Jesus and Gramma. I think about all of the tears and waiting and longing and praying and how they all just melted away when I held her in my arms. I think about how God's timing is perfect and I am blown away by His entrusting me with this little life. It feels in some ways like Emma has been here for so much longer than just a week and as I pondered that today I realized that it is because she has been in our hearts for such a long time. We never knew her but we loved her and were just waiting for the day when God brought her into our lives. I think about my husband and what an amazing Daddy he already is and how much his little girl loves him already and all of the special times they are going to have together and the relationship they are going to have. I think of dresses and curls and painted nails and teas and parties and cuddles and kisses and muddy handprints and giggles and poopy diapers and joy and tears and love and I am overhwhelmed. God is so good. So very many prayers were answered the day we got the call. So many lives changed forever. I already don't know what life would be like without my beautiful daughter and it is the desire of my heart to raise her to know and love and serve the One who orchestrated all of this. I also so hope that she and I have the same kind of relationship I have with my Mom. Emma is truly a gift to us all.

Please keep K in your prayers as she moves on to the next stage in her life and deals with the grief and separation this has brought. The family has left all of the contact decisions up to us and we hope and pray that sometime in the near future we can all get together and share God's goodness. They were so right when they said they were giving us a gift. How profoundly beautiful. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude and love to the God we all serve.

I am going to go cuddle with my beautiful Emma now and tell her just how amazing she is. Truly a most precious gift sent from above.

Update

     Just a quick little update to let you know that I heard from the agency and we are currently number 11 on the list! Moved up again! Our profile was sent out to a birthmom who has not yet made a decision and is still looking at profiles. She is due in July. Please keep her in your prayers as she makes what must be such a difficult decision. My heart goes out to these birthmoms who have to make what is perhaps the hardest most heartbreaking decision they will ever have to make. 

Holding Fast

"What happens to us is not nearly as important as what is happening in us."

     That was the first sentence I read in my little devotional book this morning and in a way I think I groaned inside as the devotion this morning was on contentment. When you are in a place of discontent in any way the last thing you want to read or hear about is how important it is to be content in whatever your circumstances may be! Of course for me right now it all has to do with longing for a baby. I was praying this morning and realized just how much of my life I have spent waiting and sometimes I feel like it was time wasted. When I really think about it though I realize how much God has done in me during that time of waiting, when I have let Him. I can fight it and spend time in self-pity but when I let God do what He wants to do in my heart the waiting is easier. Another quote from my devotions this morning...

"If Paul had to learn to be content (Philippians 4:12), it is not instinctive. He learned it by being harrowed and hard pressed, imprisoned and persecuted; for it is there you discover how real the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ is. Our reference point cannot be our circumstances. Our reference point must be Christ. Paul was able to live in any circumstance, because Christ was His strength."

     There is a part of a verse that has become my favorite in the last little while. It is simply this "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10. When I am feeling down, in tears over waiting, longing to be a mom and in some ways grieving what hasn't happened and what I feel like I have lost, I repeat this verse out loud and it helps. Reminds me that I can have joy in the midst of trial and it isn't just joy but it is joy from the Lord and it is a strength that will carry me through.


     I am turning 39 in July and I know that is part of me having a tough time right now. Feeling like I am getting to be too old for God to add to my family and like half of my life is over already. I don't "feel" 39, whatever that feels like, but it is a constant reminder of how much my life is not in my control and how I really have to trust that God knows what He's doing because some days in my heart I feel like it's too late. I read a book recently though that really spoke to me. It was a fictional account of Abraham and Sarah and the promise from God that they would become parents to a son and how they waited and waited and waited. I was so struck by Abraham's faith. He has been an example to me for years and one of my favorite portions of scripture is in Romans 4 where Abraham's faith was talked about..."yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waiver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform." Romans 4:20-21 


     I find myself being more like Sarah so often. Doubting and laughing and wondering how God could possibly fulfill His promises when nothing has happened yet. I long to be more like Abraham. Not only did he hold fast to the promises of God but while he was waiting he gave glory to God! There was something that stood out to me as I read this book that I had never thought of before or heard preached about. I guess I never paid attention to the fact that Abraham and Sarah's names were changed before they had Isaac, from Abram and Sarai. It was almost as if God had to do a great work in them first, take them through desserts and such, work in their hearts and lives, bring them to a place where He could change them to be who they needed to be before He fulfilled His promise. Then He changed their names. Filled them with more of God. Fulfilled His promise. Made me think more about my own heart and life and what God may be trying to do.


     As I prayed and cried this morning words to a song came to mind and I am including it here for you to listen to. I especially love the bridge in the song. May I continually lift my eyes to the One who orchestrates, leads, guides, heals, corrects, strengthens and fulfills promises and may I learn what it is to be content and to have Christ as my reference point and not my circumstance. This I know, if I hold fast to the Lord, His joy will be my strength.

Adoption Update

We met with our social worker Sheila yesterday and we were so glad we did! I could have just sent in our paperwork and done an interview update over the phone but we met with her in person instead. It was so good to actually sit and be able to talk with her and ask her questions, but one of the things I appreciated most was that instead of asking how we were doing she told us how we are doing! What a change! She described it exactly, she understood and she was just so encouraging about it all. We have only moved up one spot since last time so we are now at number 12. The good thing is that she said with where we are on the list now pretty much every time there is a caucasian baby in need of a home our profile will be going out. That was encouraging to hear. She also said that updating/redoing our profile was "good luck". I guess we will see about that but it did feel good to redo it and give her brand new ones.


When she did the "instant placement" last week the birthmom she was working with initially got in touch with her on the Tuesday to say that she was due soon and needed to make some decisions so wanted to meet with Sheila. Then on Thursday she called Sheila to say that she had gone into labour and really needed to make a decision. So Sheila drove up there that day to show her some profiles. The birthmom chose a couple right away, Sheila called them at 4:30, they were at the hospital by 9:30, the baby was born at 11:30 and the adoptive parents took her home the next day. That's how quickly and out of the blue it can happen! We were so happy for the adoptive parents especially when we heard they had been number 1 on the waiting list for a while. Just knowing they were number 1 made us realize just how long they must have been waiting and we were so happy for them. Sheila did take our profile to show this birthmom, as well as some other profiles, and once the girl had made her decision Sheila asked for feedback on all of the profiles. It is something she typically does. The girl told Sheila that there was nothing wrong with any of the profiles but the one she chose had an extended family almost identical to her own and that was what had stood out to her.


Sheila did encourage us alot and just kept saying that it will happen and how much easier it will be for us in some ways because I am already at home and so there won't be as big of an adjustment when a baby comes as there is for some couples who both work. I am sure she makes all waiting couples feel this way but we left feeling like she is pulling for us and she will be so thrilled when it all works out. 


It was definitely a much needed visit for me. I needed to have that contact with an actual person instead of just emails. I needed to hear all the things she had to say and to realize that while we wait there is so much going on that we don't see or hear about. I left feeling encouraged and strengthened and excited and even more hopeful. Ever since I was a young girl I have wanted to adopt and yesterday that longing was allowed to show itself again and it just reminded me how much I do long to adopt and how it just feels like it is something we are supposed to do. Not something we are "settling for" because we haven't been able to have a baby but something that we were meant to do. Something that God ordained a long time ago and feeling that way just reinforces that I know and believe that His way and timing are perfect. The adoptive parents that I mentioned above told Sheila that all of the years of waiting just melted away when they held their new little girl and they knew immediately that she had always been meant for them. I know it will be the same for us.


A friend of mine is expecting her first baby really any time now. She has been praying her heart out for us and has been determined that we will have a baby before she does. She is still holding to that and has told me to brace myself as their baby will be here soon. Whether or not that actually happens it is just so good to know that we have people like her who are supporting us and praying for us. 


I am feeling a little better about it all right now. There is a little more excitement and I am starting to feel like maybe we should start looking at doing up a nursery and buying supplies. I won't rush into all that but I will keep my eyes open and just keep trusting and hoping.

Quick Update

I was hoping to have an update on our adoption for you today. We were supposed to be meeting with a lady from the agency just to update our profile and give her some more money and find out our status. I received a call this morning that went like this..."Hi Julie, this is Lauren from Adoption By Choice. I know you were supposed to be meeting with Sheila today but (and at this point my heart stopped) she isn't able to make it today as she is facilitating a placement and won't make it back in time." I so thought she was going to tell me that we didn't need to meet as we had been matched! Such a jumble of emotions I went through in those few seconds! So we are now going to try and meet with Sheila next week and after that I should have an update for you.
I realized something this morning when I got that call though. I realized just how desperately I want and long for this to happen and how much I stuff it all inside because if I don't it will rule my life and emotions. I have found in the last week or so that every time the phone rings I am almost holding my breath until I know who is calling. Very strange as I haven't been like that in the last two years but it has just started lately. It might be because we were going to be meeting with Sheila, I don't know. I do know though that even in our meeting today being cancelled God has a plan and He is using every little thing that happens to put that plan into place.
Today is Chad's birthday and I have baked him a rich chocolatey cake and have ribs on for dinner. Going to celebrate and keep trusting and hoping!

A Precious Treasure

My Gramma was a simple woman. She didn't have a need for material possessions and in the last 10 or so years of her life when we would ask her what she wanted for her birthday her response would be that she didn't want something she couldn't eat or wear. In other words, whatever we gave her had to be useful and not just take up space and be pointless clutter. When she passed away there were very few material possessions for my parents to go through. She had the minimum of what she needed as far as furniture and clothing and in the last number of years she actually started giving things back to the people who had given them to her. Almost like she was preparing for when she wasn't here anymore. And she just really didn't have any need for it. She lived simply and knew that her treasure was in heaven and not on earth. There was something though that she never gave up. Her Bibles. When I would go over there I would read to her from a Bible that had her and Grampa's names on the inscribed on the front. I just assumed that Bible was the one she had used for years. Until she passed away. My Mom gave me a Bible that she remembered Gramma using in the mornings for her personal devotions. I remember the devotional book she went through year after year but I didn't remember which Bible she used. How deeply grateful I am that my Mom gave this Bible to me.
I am one who underlines and writes things in my Bible all the time and know that if someone were to read through it they would be able to kind of figure out what I was struggling with or what God was showing me or the promises I was claiming.I have been reading through Gramma's Bible and she had underlined verses and written things down as well. A lot of what she wrote was just a year written next to a verse she had underlined. Some of them I was able to figure out what was happening in her life at the time, others I don't know. When I first started going through it I started with Job and Psalms and it was as if she had underlined and highlighted things just for me. Almost like a roadmap. I know she didn't purposefully sit down with me in mind and do that and that she was going through her own struggles when she underlined but God used it to speak to my heart. It has been such a good time of seeing who Gramma was in her private times with God and to see how she claimed His promises and clung to hope that is only found in Him. One of the things that has stuck out to me is how she at times would underline just a part of a verse or highlight a whole verse and then underline just certain words. It has made them come alive a little more for me and made me want to pay even more attention to the details in what I read. Here is an example. I will write the whole of the verse as we know it and then write just what she had underlined..."And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." Gramma's underlining simply says..."Seek, find, search, all your heart." It just breaks it down so well and tells you so simply what you must do...seek, find, search, all your heart. Again I see her simplicity in how she looked at things. There is a command in there, verbs, a direct explanation of what to do. Simple. To the point. I love it! 
Then there is Psalm 23 which we all know so well. Here is what Gramma underlined..."The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down; He leadeth me. He restoreth. He leadeth. For thou art with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table. Anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I love the section where she just has underlined...He leadeth me. He restoreth. He leadeth. Such a simple explanation of what He does.
It has been a balm for my heart in some ways to read through Gramma's Bible. I think I have teared up almost every time I have read it as I remember her. This morning I remembered listening to her pray and how humble she was. Never demanding. Just in humility bringing her requests before her Father.
I am thankful for this Bible but I am even more thankful for how God is speaking to my heart through the things Gramma has underlined. So many of the same verses are underlined and highlighted in my own Bible and I love how God's promises are for everyone! How He speaks to each of us where we are at and how, when we seek Him, we see Him more clearly and just want more of Him.
A precious treasure, that's what Gramma's Bible is to me, but I know it wouldn't be the same if it was just some novel or cookbook. This book was a source of life and strength and hope and peace and joy to her because the Lord she loved so much spoke to her through it. I feel blessed and privileged to see into her heart a little bit more and am so thankful that even in this she is still being an example. 

A Beautiful Day for Photos!

This week marks the two year anniversary of us being on the active waiting list for adoption. It is hard to believe that two years have gone by! In some ways it has flown by and in others it has been such a long wait. Of course we hoped to not see the two year mark, hoped we would have a baby before then, but apparently God has other plans. With it now being two years we had to redo our Intervention Records Check as well as our Criminal Records Check. We also decided that I would update our profile and have new copies made up.  So all afternoon today I worked on updating everything and we will send it to be printed this week. We need 6 copies done, I believe, and we want it to look professional, as our first one does.


Yesterday, in preparation for the updates I was doing today, we went to a park and took some photos. It was such a beautiful day! We had alot of fun and just enjoyed the sunshine and spending some special time together. I thought I would post a few of those photos here for those of you who don't have Facebook. Look at how dark my hair is! Yes, that is my natural color!

My Gramma

Last week my sweet Gramma went home to be with her Lord. She was mercifully taken in her sleep and in no pain. While the loss is heartbreaking and I am going to miss her so much it is good to know that she is with her Lord and Saviour where she longed to be. 
My brother Mark officiated the funeral service and he did such a wonderful job. Gramma would have been so proud of him. When we went to the cemetery for the burial there was a small herd of deer wandering through and just as almost everyone except for a few of us walked away from the burial plot the sun broke through and shone on her coffin. It was such a God thing and so evident that He was a part of it all.
I am posting here Gramma's obituary as well as something that I wrote and shared at the funeral service. There really are no words though to say how much I will miss her.

During the early morning hours of Wednesday, February 15, 2012 Mabel Petty passed away peacefully at the Westview Hospital in Stony Plain, AB at the age of 92. Mabel was born to John and Emma McCutcheon in Ardath, SK. She was a loving mother, grandmother and great grandmother. She was predeceased by her husband Bill in January 1976 and her son Ken in July 1996. She is survived by her son Jim and his wife Marilyn, Don and his wife Ester, Calvin and his partner Linda, and Lindon and his wife Marlane. She has 12 grandchildren and 20 great grandchildren. Mabel grew up on a farm near Ardath, SK and after marrying Bill in 1941, they moved to a farm near Conquest, SK. There she raised 5 boys and was very much a helping hand in the farming operation. In 1964 Bill and Mabel along with 3 of the boys moved to Cranbrook, BC. While living in Cranbrook, Mabel helped run the family business, Petty’s Supermarket. After the passing of Bill, she spent her time helping at the Alliance Church and meeting with her very good friends. She loved playing word games and Scrabble was her favourite. In 2004 Mabel moved to the Edmonton area where she lived until her passing. The family is grateful for the care she received while at the nursing home and in the hospital. In lieu of flowers, memorial donations, if desired maybe made in Mabel’s name to the Gideon Bible Society and the MS Society.

Gramma

How do you describe a woman who in her own quiet way touched so very many lives? There are the typical words we could use such as daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. Or words to describe her personality such as loving, giving, thrifty, funny, stubborn, supportive, proud, beautiful and so many more and all so true. If you were to ask me though who Gramma was I would say she was faithful, a prayer warrior, a woman of God, my inspiration, my example, my friend. More than anything else in this life she loved her Lord and Saviour, depended on Him and was faithful to Him, and in that she was such a profound example to me of learning to trust in Jesus no matter what trials and hurts came her way. The road she walked wasn’t an easy one as she so often, it seemed, had to say goodbye to the ones she loved and as osteoporosis, emphysema and blindness stole her independence and crippled her body, but she knew to hold fast to that hand that would get her through. In the last 7 and a half years, as she went from being an independent woman to one who was dependent on a machine to help her breathe, there were days and moments when she struggled and felt useless and like a burden and just wanted to go home, but she still held fast to the Lord and trusted that she was here for a reason. She prayed, oh she prayed, she prayed for each of us all the time and there was nothing she wanted more than to see her family come to know the saving grace of the God she served. How her heart ached for that circle to be unbroken.

When I think of Gramma there are so many memories that come to mind - the time she and my other Grandma stayed with my brothers and me while my parents were away and they decided to make us pancakes only to realize after the batter was made that they had used my Mom’s plaster mix. Our whole family living with her in her little home while our house was finished being built and sharing a bedroom with her at that time. How excited even our dog Trooper would get when we asked him if he wanted to go to Gramma’s house. Going to her house on Monday nights to watch Little House on the Prairie or watching Wheel of Fortune and Gramma solving the puzzles before the contestants really even had a chance to ask for a letter . Oatmeal cookies, potato deluxe, cheese crackers and all the other food that I try to make now that just doesn’t turn out quite the same and I am almost convinced she left out a secret ingredient when she passed on the recipes. Seeing the pride in her eyes whenever she had her boys surrounding her. All those times when I stayed with her and getting up in the morning to see her doing her daily devotions and spending time with God and then as her eyesight grew worse reading those devotions for her and praying with her. How for as long as I can remember and as long as she could see she would stand at her window to wave goodbye as we left for home. I have so many memories, ones that fill my heart to overflowing and leave me so thankful that I knew her the way I did and that she didn’t just share her life with me she shared her heart.

I have discovered over the last few years especially just how alike Gramma and I were and how much she has passed down to me - her love of reading and walking and Scrabble and crossword puzzles and cinnamon raisin bread (toasted of course!). Then there are those similarities that Dad and I both share with her -  stubbornness and a pride that keeps us from asking others for help (partly because we don’t want to burden anyone else with our problems), as well as a love for desserts and ice cream. In fact one of the last things Dad, Gramma and I did together was have ice cream, with Gramma savouring every last spoonful of her favourite, plain vanilla. But what I love and cling to most is the legacy of faith she passed down. When I would tell her what an example she was to me she would remind me in her own way that she was just a sinner saved by grace and that God was the one I needed to look to. True, and yet it was just that attitude that showed me even more who God was to her. I will always be thankful that we shared our faith and were able to pray together and love the Lord together and to know, when trials came my way, that Gramma was there praying for me and supporting me.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents. I watched as you gave of your time, love and finances selflessly and willingly so that Gramma would be comfortable the last 7 and a half years and know she was loved and cared for. Thank you for taking on that responsibility and essentially putting your own lives on hold. I know you felt that it wasn’t just what you had to do but that you wanted to do it to give back some of what she had given you and that you did it without a thought and with so much love in your hearts for her. Gramma said to me so many times that she didn’t know what she would have done without you and how thankful she was. You poured your lives into her especially in the last 5 or so months without a thought to your own cares or concerns and I know she appreciated that more than she would have ever been able to express. Thank you for being an example of what selfless giving and caring is. I pray that the Lord blesses you abundantly and that He fills the emptiness Gramma’s passing has left in your hearts with much peace and joy and the assurance that you have done well.

As I write this I can’t help but think how difficult it is to explain to someone how a woman like my Gramma impacted my life, how much I loved her and how desperately I will miss her. Gramma was truly a special woman, one who touched more hearts than any of us will probably ever know. I will always be so thankful for the amazing blessing and privilege of being not just her granddaughter but also her friend and sister in Christ. I am going to miss her and our times together but I am so thankful and filled with peace just knowing that she is free from pain, she can breathe and see, she is where her heart longed to be for so many years and I am sure that when she entered God’s presence she heard those words we all hope to hear “Well done thou good and faithful servant”. 

Gramma is home, she is with her Lord, her journey on this earth is done and we are all the better for having known and loved her and having been loved by her.

And so now it is my turn to stand and wave goodbye.

79% and 14!

It has been a good week! There has been good news all around and I am feeling encouraged and ready to just keep pushing on.
I had my reassessment done at the clinic I have been going to and there has been a 79% improvement in my health! That is huge! I can feel it and let me tell you that it feels great to have energy again and to be able to handle situations without having a mini breakdown. God is good! I am so thankful for the clinic and everyone there and thankful for how God has used it all to strengthen my body and mind. The other good news is that because I have progressed so well the doctor thinks that she can now begin to concentrate more on the infertility issue! She wanted to get me healthy first and see how well I responded to everything and now that I am pretty much back to "normal" she is ready to treat the infertility more specifically. So perhaps we will end up being able to have a baby yet, but even if we don't it is just so wonderful to feel like myself again and to know that no matter how a baby joins our family I will have the strength and energy to be the mom I want to be.
The other good news is that we are now number 14 on the waiting list! That is including matches or holds that are ahead of us so if any of those fall through we could move back down one or two spots but still! This time last month we were at number 18! That is a huge jump!
It's the first time in a while that I have felt encouraged about all the 'baby stuff'. I am feeling a little more optimistic that something may actually happen this year and actually feeling a little excited now.
Keep praying though! 
One of the girls in our home group is expecting a baby in May and she keeps telling me that she is positive I will either have a baby in my arms or belly by the time she has her little girl because she wants us to do the baby thing together. Her optimism is actually a blessing to me as she refuses to think it won't happen this year. We are blessed to be surrounded by people who are optimistic and supportive and praying for us!

I Still Believe

It has been 5 years this month since Chad and I started trying to add to our family. It was tough to see this last year come and go and still have nothing happen. Of course we are hoping and praying that this year holds beautiful news and that our arms and heart will be filled! I struggled a little bit this month and was tempted to start asking the 'why?' questions. Every time that happens though I think about a quote I once heard about us not having the right to ask why every time sorrow comes our way unless we also ask why for every joy that comes our way. What makes us think and feel as though we do or don't 'deserve' something? Why do we think we 'deserve' good things but not bad? If everything were giggles and sunshine all of the time we would never grow or learn or be able to empathize with others.


God is so very good at giving me reminders and showing me things and I am so thankful that I am aware enough to catch them. I am sure there are many that go by without me seeing them but it seems as though lately there has been so much come my way that just helps me know God is there and knows exactly what is going on. In all of this waiting for a baby the question that comes up over and over again is 'when'? When will it happen? I had a great reminder on the weekend of God's perfect timing...


My Gramma ended up in the hospital in September and never did move back to her apartment as she isn't well enough to be independent anymore. She was in the hospital for quite some time and then in a temporary nursing home. My parents have been driving into the city to be with her. Every day for 4 months one or the other or both of them were driving into the city to see her. That means a 40 minute trip one way, every day, for 4 months. We have been blessed with an amazing winter and they didn't have to put up with winter driving, which was a huge blessing! This past Friday Gramma was finally moved to her brand new nursing home that is only 15 minutes from my parents' house and what happened on Saturday? It snowed and the temperatures plummeted and winter is now most definitely here! Some people may say it is just a coincidence but when it comes to God and His timing there is no such thing as coincidence! It was such a great reminder to me that God really does know what He is doing and even though it seems as though He is slow or that He has forgotten we need to remember that He knows exactly what is going on. He is orchestrating everything behind the scenes and we just need to continue to trust.


So as I wait (and some days the waiting is so hard it hurts) I will try to remember that God truly does know what He is doing and that He hasn't forgotten and that His timing is perfect. 


And as I wait I will choose to still believe...

Thought for the Day

Finlay and I just got back from taking our daily walk. I so enjoy our walks and spend time thinking or praying or listening to music or all of the above at once. This was my thought for today - but first let me give you some details - 
For those of you not in Edmonton I will let you know that our winter has been very strange. We have had very little snow, most of which has melted, we have had many days where the temperature has been above freezing and we have even had rain. Usually we have a lot more snow than we do now and it is much colder. I am not complaining mind you, it is much easier to get through a winter like this (although I know at any time we could get a huge dump of snow and be very cold). It makes it so nice for going for walks except for one thing, ICE. With our little bit of snow melting and then rain and then freezing again it makes for some rather treacherous ice patches on sidewalks and paths. As I was walking along today these thoughts came to mind...
I was thinking about how so often we go through life without a care in the world but with our eyes still taking in our periphery, watching for dangers or things out of place (like keeping an eye on Finlay to make sure he doesn't eat something he shouldn't) when up ahead we see an icy patch. I don't have a very good history with ice. I have fallen and hurt myself and so probably look a little funny when I am walking on it as I so don't want to fall again. When we get to those icy patches on the road what do we do? Do we approach with caution and carefully walk our way through, paying attention and so getting to the other side safely? Or do we throw caution to the wind and rush ahead and perhaps fall flat? Do we say a little prayer that we get to the other side safely or do we think we can just do it on our own? I know there are gaps in this little analogy because there are so many different ways of approaching the ice but the point is - are we really paying attention to the road we are on? When and if we do stumble and fall do we pick ourselves up and use a little more caution the next time or do we forget about the lessons learned and forge on again or do we even lay there and blame the ice for making us fall?
I am so thankful that as I walk this road God has me on that He is walking with me. I am so thankful that when I get to those icy patches I can ask Him to get me through safely and I know He will answer. There may be times when I stumble and fall but through all of that God is still there and, as long as I am looking to Him, He doesn't let me stay fallen but He lifts me up and encourages me to keep on.
I had a Bible verse/song come to mind as I was thinking about this that I haven't sung in years and I will end my little 'thought for the day' with it.

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord; 

and he delighteth in his way.

Though he stumble though he fall he will not be cast down 

for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand.

With His hand, with His hand, for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand.

Though he stumble though he fall he will not be cast down 

for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand."

Psalm 37:23-24