Fill Me With Hope

I don't think is a coincidence that I decided to start out this year reading through a devotional titled "Fill Me With Hope". God knew I was going to need it to start the year with.


It has been a rollercoaster ride around here for the last couple of weeks. Chad and I had some wonderful news that we were just starting to share with everyone. We told our immediate families and were planning on letting everyone else know this week. We were pregnant! Finally! After 4 years of hoping and praying and trying we were going to have a baby! Then on Saturday I started cramping and bleeding and by Monday morning knew that I had miscarried. I was not quite 6 weeks along. Oh the emotions! The ups and downs in 2 weeks that we have experienced. It is an understatement to say that it hasn't been easy and would be a lie if I said that I am okay. For the most part I am. There are many things to be thankful for in all of this. I realize though that it's okay to let myself cry and grieve and miss my baby and acknowledge that there is a part of me that feels empty. Chad has also been struggling and we had a good talk the other night and agreed that we need to take the time to grieve but then we need to have hope again. We don't want to dwell on the sadness and disappointment of it all. This is what we want to concentrate on instead.....


We got pregnant! After so long and really feeling like maybe it couldn't happen and never would, it did! We will absolutely try again. Part of me is scared to try I will admit. I don't want to go through this again. I also realize though that I am not God and so I am not in control of what happens. It is my job to keep myself healthy and strong and to trust and have hope! 


All through this trial and sorrow there have been things to be thankful for: thankful that I wasn't farther along when it happened, thankful that my parents haven't left for vacation yet and that Chad wasn't away on a business trip, thankful that my place of employment is willing to let me work from home this week, thankful for my sis-in-law who has offered words of advice and encouragement, thankful for friends and family who are praying for us and supporting us, thankful for the way Chad and I have grown even closer together, thankful for a husband who knows to just let me cry and who hugs me and just wants to be with me, thankful for a puppy who keeps me company and is ultra sensitive to my moods and emotions, thankful for the sun that was finally shining yesterday.


I can tend to let depression get hold of me at times. It is something that I have never fully given into but that I know I struggle with and I have made a determination in my heart to not let that happen. My God is too big and too strong and too mighty to do that. No, I don't understand why it had to happen and yes, it hurts alot, but God has a plan and to that I hold and trust and have to believe. And so I think upon those things that are good and pure and true and lovely and full of hope. 


I would ask for your prayers as tomorrow we go for an ultrasound to confirm everything and to make sure that my body is cleansing itself. Pray for us as we pick up the pieces and carry on with life having loved and lost but being so thankful for the time we did have. It was a great two weeks and we are holding to the hope that God will allow it to happen again and will see it through to the end.


My prayer continually right now is that God will Fill Me With Hope.

And so another year begins.....

I made a determination in my heart last night. We were on our way home after spending a fun evening at my parents' place with my whole family and I had a little time to think on the 30 minute drive home. I started thinking about this past year and then about the year to come. I thought about how, if I let myself, I could be pretty depressed about this past year and the fact that I am still not a mom. The one thing that I so badly hoped would happen in 2010 didn't come to pass. But then I thought, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to focus on the negative. So I made a determination in my heart to think of all the blessings that happened in this last year.....


-A new member of the family was born, wonderful little Rhyan. So hard to believe she is almost a year old already! With Rhyan's birth the count in nieces and nephews is up to 14!
-Becoming involved with an exciting new church plant. Finding a church family where we don't just feel like we belong but where we are needed and encouraged to use the gifts God has given us and in that being challenged and growing and just wanting to learn more,.
-Time out at the lake with family, even though almost every time we went to the lake there ended up being a storm! My parents may want to rethink their invitation to go out whenever we want!
-A good friend, who is beautiful and inspiring, finally finding the love of her life after waiting for much longer than I had to. What a delight to see the joy, love and peace in her countenance, as well as the rock on her finger!
-Seeing 2 nieces and 1 nephew hit 'double digit' birthdays this year and one niece enter the teen years. What a blessing to have another year with all of them!
-God providing a new job for me that pays better, has great hours and consists of the kind of work I enjoy doing. And of course He provided it just when I needed it!
-Chad getting a well deserved raise!
-My Gramma finally having cataract surgery and, while she still can't read, her eyesight has improved. She is going to be 91 in 9 days!
-My parents moving into a new place that suits them and that I realized in a strange way feels like home. I know it is because they are there and they are the heart of their home but it's still strange to have a brand new place that I have never lived in feel in a way like home. So happy for them!


I am sure there is so much more that I am not thinking of right now. So many things to be thankful for and so many blessings to be counted. Of course I am beyond thankful for my own little family. For our puppy who some moments causes me great frustration but the majority of the time just fills our home with life and laughter and brings the stress down in our lives. For my amazing husband.....I was thinking this morning what a remarkable thing it is to have such security and confidence in knowing he loves me, he likes me, he wants to be with me, and he will care for me always. He is without a doubt one of the most amazing blessings in my life.


The most humbling, encouraging and joyous blessing in my life though? Knowing and being known by a God who sent His only Son to die for me. Knowing that His grace is sufficient. Knowing that even though I may ask the 'how' and 'why' of things it really doesn't matter because He has the answers and in that I can (should) trust. Knowing that He knows the deepest parts of my heart and loves me still and that because of that love He doesn't let me stay depressed or sad but at the most out of the blue moments He sends something or someone into my path to remind me again that He loves me, He understands, and He hasn't forgotten.


2010 was a good year all in all. There were tears and laughter, joys and sorrows, frustrations and victories. I am expecting the same of 2011. Perhaps there will be joyous news, perhaps there will just be more waiting. But one thing I know, no matter the year, the month or the day, my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is ever faithful and true. And so I look forward to this next year, to growing and being challenged and seeing God in the joys as well as the sorrows. I look forward to more time with family and friends, to seeing others start out on their own new journeys, like my beautiful niece Kayla who is graduating this year! I look forward to living in the promises of God that He will never leave me or forsake me. I look forward to the laughter as well as the tears because I realize what a huge blessing it is just to BE. To be living this life God has blessed me with, to be who He has and is making me to be, to be loved and to love in return.


Happy New Year to all of you! May the next year be filled with growth, with a new awareness of your many blessings and perhaps even an awareness of the many different ways you can be a blessing to others. 


God bless you in 2011!