Saturday, January 30, 2010
It Is Now Official
Today we sent our application for adoption to the agency in Calgary. It took a little longer to get it all done than we had originally hoped for because of having to get doctor's notes and criminal checks and such. I called the agency on Friday and found out that because of the situation with the orphans from Haiti one part of the application is going to take a little longer than usual but that's okay. All part of the plan and God's timing I am sure. One good thing is that the number of people on the waiting list isn't as high as I thought it would be. It feels good to have the application sent away and it definitely feels more official now. Our journey with this really started 3 years ago when we first started trying to conceive and agreed that if it didn't work we would adopt. Then a few months ago we agreed it was time to really start seriously looking into it and I got in touch with the agency in November and a couple weeks ago we went to the seminar. So while it all started some time ago it definitely feels more official and real now.
Mailing the application in really takes all control out of our hands and there are a number of different emotions going on like excitement and trepidation and anticipation and anxiety. Feels so strange in a way that we are on our way to being parents! I am going to be a mommy one day and will have a little one who runs to see daddy come through the door after a hard day at work. Finlay already does that but I am pretty sure it just isn't the same. :) We have been on such a rollercoaster of emotions the last 3 years while trying to conceive and I know that the ride is just going to continue on for a little while. You know what though? I am SO thankful that we have a Safety Belt to keep us safe and keep us from flying out of the rollercoaster. So thankful that God doesn't give us more than we can handle with His strength and comfort and wisdom. I know there are still going to be many tears shed and much laughter, much sorrow and much joy. I recently read an article on adoption that the agency sent to us and cried while reading some of it and especially while reading the last paragraph which closes the article....
"Don't be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve, to say what you think, to pipe in, to spill your guts, to shout out in anger or cry out in joy. Through this whole process, you are going to be the most vulnerable person on earth or at least you are going to feel that. And it makes no sense to conceal it. You'll cry like a river and in the end I think you'll find that river is truly the river of life."
Those of you who know me know that I wear my heart on my sleeve anyways and already this adoption process has brought tears. It's good though. I would so much rather be honest with my feelings and let myself feel every emotion than to close it all out and have it all come up at some inopportune moment. I want to feel and experience this adoption plan in my heart of hearts and know that we are doing the right thing because I know that will filter down into my relationship with our baby and we will all be the better for it.
Now if you will excuse me I have some river leaking it's way out again. Must find a tissue.
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2 comments:
Dearest Chickadee, I watch your story unfold, not the beginning but the middle I think, you have been preparing this nest for a very long time, even before Chad...but waiting for him to appear was as hard as this must be...waiting for your chick. I see this blog as a guide to otheres who have emotions, fears, and a great love for the Lord which will get them thru the ups and downs of Adoption...some lucky little chick will be chosen for you....I wait with you and thankyou for sharing, someday your little one will read this and understand how much they were loved even before they arrived in your arms....Love Auntie Vonnie
Julie,
I am so blessed to have you go through all the adoption processes before me. Now, when things get confusing or uncertain I can call you and get the love and support I need. God will get me through anything but sometimes the voice of a loved one calms an entire stormy sea.
Murray and I decided to become foster parents when the house is finished being built and hopefully adopt some older children that are having a difficult time being adopted. Murray and I have prayed about it many times and have both received the same answer; we will know our children (at any age)when we see them. They may have suffered abuses and traumas but through God's love and own own they will find they're way to the light.
Even now just writing this I feel like crying. Not out of sorrow but gratefulness that one day I will fufill my calling as a Mother. One day my house will have a child's laughter.One day, I will truly understand why God decided to make me strong enough to handle my miscarriages,and strong enough to weep at my inability to bare children, and definately strong enough to heal the guilt I felt being unable to give Murray a child of his own. He planned all of my sorrow to give me strength. Now I just have to wait for the joy that it will bring.
Sometimes I feel like Job. My losses have been great in my life. Even you don't know the extent of harm that has been done to me but there was a reason for it all. This my faith tells me is the truth.This is what I pray about most often: Thank-you God for my sorrow, thank-you for my pain and let my always be able to empathize with those that are hurting today that I may be of service to them and that they no longer feel alone. May You shine through me to reach others.
I also wear my heart on my sleeve, but how does one share their heart if it is hidden away? How do you know your own heart if you aren't leaving it wide open to look at?
I am joyful for you and this new experience you're having! I want to hug you and jump up and down in excitement. You both, will be amazing parents. Any child would be blessed to have you. I will pray for you both.
Love You Sweetie! Kristi
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