When I lived in BC I used to go for walks "out back" on the acreage we lived on to this beautiful mountain meadow. It would just be me and our Golden Lab and Jesus. I would pray out loud, more like talk as it always felt like Jesus was just walking by my side. Sometimes I might sing or just be silent and listen. I loved those times of solitude and it never failed that I would come back feeling refreshed and fed and watered. Then I moved to the big city. I knew that if I talked out loud to God as I walked down the streets people would think I was nuts and I certainly wasn't going to find a beautiful mountain meadow. I remember talking to my Mom about it one day and she told me to remember that the meadow isn't just a physical place, it is also inside me. That place where I meet and commune with God and where I will find peace and joy and that I can go there at any time. No, it may not be the same but God is the same. I have thought about that so many times over the years and I was thinking about it again this morning. I feel in some ways like God is bringing me back to that meadow. There is a reason why I had that physical meadow for so many years and I know it's because God knows that's what I needed. I am a person who craves solitude and who lives and performs best if I can have time to myself. Which obviously doesn't happen all that often now and so I enjoy it when and as I can. We were so involved with church and the life and schedule that went along with it the last few years that I never really had the solitude and I know it hindered me and hindered my walk. It's almost as if God is bringing me back to who He created me to be and reminding me that it's okay to need solitude, to meet with Him in the secret place, to live my life quietly and not feel like if I am not doing doing doing and super involved then I am somehow less or failing or not as much of a Christian. I am learning that the most important thing in my life right now is living by example for Emma's sake. If I am not being true to the person God created me to be how am I to teach her, instruct her, be an example to her? I want her to know God. I want her to run hard after Him and to feel free to sing and pray and dance as her heart leads her but if I am not doing the same then how will she learn? When I was little I used to lay in bed and sing and pray until my parents had to tell me to be quiet and go to sleep. I want Emma to feel free to do the same. I want God to be so real to her that He is another member of the family and not just some being that people talk about it. I love how when it's time to eat she reaches for our hands and says "pay" and how when I pray with her at night she says a resounding "aman" when I am done and how when I tell her in sign language that Jesus loves her she tries to sign "Jesus". Oh that her heart would be free to become the woman God is already calling and creating her to be. I am learning through being a Momma and I love that. I love how God creates us one way for a reason and I love being brought back to it and being reminded of it and being assured that because He created and is creating and changing it is a good thing.
There is a verse that is thrown around alot in the Christian world. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." It is so often used as a verse to claim what we want and desire. That if we just delight in God He will give us what we want. How many times when I was single did I hear and think that if I just delighted in God He would bring my husband and how many times was I disappointed? I have often taught young women that as we delight in the Lord our desires begin to line up with His will for our lives. I heard it explained so much better recently though and it has really stuck with me. To paraphrase the verse "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give/instill/create the desires of your heart." Meaning that as we delight in Him, spend time with Him, surrender to Him, our desires don't just begin to line up with His will for our lives but our desires are actually ones that He has created and placed in our hearts, effectively becoming what He desires for us. I know many of you may have already figured that out but I think God reveals things to us as we need to know them and this was something that I needed to hear when I did and to understand to the depth that I did. It isn't just that if I delight in God He will give me what I want or that what I want lines up with His will. It's that as I delight in Him He changes my desires so that they become what He wants. He creates the desires and places them in my heart. In a way it gave me a lot of peace and helped me to kind of let go in some ways. It's nice to know that all I have to do is delight in Him, spend time with Him and He will take care of the rest, including my desires.
I am looking forward to 2014. Looking back on this last year I can't say that it was full of anything exciting or awful or that I am happy or sad to see it end. There were lots of good things, some bad things, happy, sad, exciting, routine. We enjoyed a good year with Emma and watching her grow and change and develop. We both found some answers to some health issues we are having which is always good. I guess I just feel indifferent about this past year. It was just a year. I am curious to see what 2014 has for us though. I have a quiet anticipation and excitement in my heart. I feel like God has something in store for us and be it little or be it big I don't want to miss it. I want to continue on delighting and reading and praying and living and allowing God to work and move so that as He does I can be a living witness and example, even if it's just to my little girl..
May God continue the work He has started. May I over and over again find that meadow, that place of communing with God in quiet as my heart needs.
May 2014 be delight FULL.
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