Actively Waiting

As of today we are officially on the active waiting list with the adoption agency! We are at #49 but as far as we know 8 of those couples will be coming off the list soon. That doesn't mean we will be picked 49th because we really could be picked at any time. So now we "actively wait". Not sure how to do that. Such an oxymoron that is! I am finally starting to feel excited and like it is okay now to start to hope and dream and plan a little more. We have even started to discuss names and, even though I don't want to set up a whole nursery yet, I know I will be picking little things up here and there when I see good sales. It's a little different not knowing how long we are going to have to wait but I guess there is no harm in actually doing some prep right?! In the meantime "actively waiting" to me means praying and living and hoping and praying some more!


I am going to be a mommy! And my Chad is going to be the most amazing daddy that ever was!

Just Say "Thanks"

In my devotions this morning I was reading a little devotional on giving thanks. On how having someone say a meaningful "thank you" can help to brighten your day and make you feel appreciated. The devotional mentioned some verses in the Bible where it says to "give thanks" and how God loves to be thanked too and how He finds pleasure in our expressions of thanks and that it is in God's will that we thank Him. "In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1st Thessalonians 5:18. Of course it is easier at some times than at others to give thanks but we are told to give thanks in everything! That is much easier said than done but I think that as we learn to do it we will see that it encourages our hearts and reminds us always that God's timing and will are perfect.
I had two rather significant (to me anyways) things happen today that made it easy to say thanks. Oh, 3 actually. It was so beautiful when we went for a walk this morning. No need for a toque or gloves! I think spring may finally be here! The next thing that happened was finding out that I can get the supplements the naturopath wants us to take for much cheaper than we have gotten them. They aren't exactly the same but they are close enough and do the same things and I don't have to drive as far and they are cheaper. That was a huge thanks! The other one was hearing back from a lady at the adoption agency. I had sent her our profile/letter and asked her to read it and then let us know if it was alright and if we needed to add or subtract or change anything. She emailed me back this morning and this was her response, "I think your profile is just great as it is. Don't change a thing!". How encouraging to hear and exciting because we can now have it printed and then send it off! 
I loved how when I was thanking God for these things my heart was even more encouraged and it just really made God's love for me so much more real when I acknowledged His blessings and just said thanks.
Now I have to practice giving thanks in everything!
So remember that God loves to be thanked, He takes pleasure in it. Your own heart will be encouraged and God's love will be even more real to you.

Cold Today

It is cold and snowy with a wind this morning. I was going to take the puppy for a walk like I usually do but we had him shaved yesterday so he is already cold and I really didn't feel like walking in the wind. 
-20ish with the wind chill this morning. Oh how I long for spring and warmer weather and buds on the trees and flowers pushing their way up through the soil and being able to go for a walk with just a sweater instead of my winter jacket. But then I remind myself that I do live in northern Alberta. We could be getting snow off and on until May. So instead of just complaining I will be thankful that I have a warm home and comfy clothes and food to put in my tummy.


We should be on the "active list" with the adoption agency some time next week! That is exciting for us! We know that once we are on the list there is nothing else we can do except wait but at least we will know that really at any time the phone could ring and we could have wonderful news and our arms and hearts will finally be filled. In some ways it all still fills surreal and well, just, I don't know. It doesn't feel real to me in many ways and I think it's partially because so much of the contact I have had with the agency has been on the phone or through email. Almost feels like there is something else we should be doing but we are almost finished everything that was required of us. We are officially "Approved". We were even sent a certificate that says we are. So I guess we are doing things properly. Such a lesson in trust and faith and hope. After 3 years of trying to have a baby and being disappointed every month it is tough for me to get my hopes again. I think I keep waiting for everything to fall out from under us and yet I truly believe and feel in my heart that this is what God wants us to do and that He has a little one chosen just for us who needs us and who we need. So I continue to trust and to have faith and yes, even to hope.

Strict Regime

Today is the first day of a strict regime of supplements and diet and lots of exercise thrown in to help expedite things. Chad and I went to a fantastic naturopath on Friday. When I had called a month or so ago they said we couldn't get in until August but they would also put us on their waiting list although the likelihood of getting two back to back cancellations so we could go at the same time was slim to none. Last Wednesday I got a call from their office saying they'd had two cancellations for Friday morning and did we want them? Did we?! SO very thankful we got in. Chad actually wasn't too bad but there are definitely things that need to be taken care of. Me on the other hand, well, not so good, and if I'd had to wait until August I have no idea how sick I may have been. Nothing life threatening by any means but just lots in my blood that shouldn't be there and that is just making me feel ill as well as a liver that is stressed. So now we are both taking special supplements and really having to clamp down on what we eat. A very strict diet. It's not going to be easy but I know we will both feel so much better! For me I will probably feel worse before I feel better so this week could be interesting. I am willing to go through it though! We will be seeing the naturopath again in August and I am already excited to see the improvements!


On the adoption front.....our social worker is supposed to be coming over tonight to have us sign off on the last draft of our homestudy! Then it is sent to the agency where the director has to sign off on it and then we need to get our profile done. So close!

Whew!

First of all I must thank all of you who have been thinking of us and praying for us. I am a little overwhelmed by all the support so THANK YOU!


Our first visit with the social worker went so well! She is really nice. We were worried that she might not like dogs but she is a dog-lover, worried she might not have a sense of humor but she certainly does, worried that we just might not get along but we all did. Why do we worry?! Okay, I will admit that I am more the worrier than Chad is. I also tend to internalize all my worries and stress which isn't a good thing. Anyways, back to the visit. She was here for about an hour and a half and we just had an open and honest conversation with her and answered her questions. We had heard stories of how invasive the first visit can be and how no stone is left unturned and we were a little nervous about the unknown but it really was just fine. There were no questions that we were uncomfortable about answering, we didn't feel like we were being judged, none of that. So thank you for praying! We still need to see her a couple of more times but the tough visit is over.


Getting closer.....

Call #1 Finally Came!

Yesterday we received one of the phone calls that we have been waiting for. It was a call from a social worker to set up a time for our first home visit! It is the first of 2 or 3 visits and will be about 2 hours long. We set up a time for this coming Monday at 6:30pm. Not having been through this before we aren't completely sure what to expect but we have been told that you basically have no privacy left by the end of it all. Oh joy! It is amazing what you have to go through in order to become a parent through adoption. I sometimes think that other people who have babies should have to go through the same thing! It sure makes you think and discuss issues that most people don't before they start a family.


We have been told to not worry about cleaning our house from top to bottom. Those of you who know me will know that is a difficult thing for me as normally I would spend all day Monday cleaning! We were told that social workers would rather not see that the house has been cleaned from top to bottom just because they are coming over because then it isn't a true representation of what the house usually looks like. So I think on Saturday or Sunday I will do just my usual housework and then maybe Monday afternoon I will go wander around a bookstore for a while or something to get my mind off it all.


Your prayers in all of this will be so appreciated! I know it will go well but knowing there are many praying for us will help so much! It is exciting because it is a huge step in getting us closer to being on the waiting list. 

Funny Guy

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. It started with me trying to decide if I wanted to send a resume in for a full time job. I wrestled with it for quite some time and talked with Chad about it and wrestled some more. So many pros and cons. I finally decided that it didn't hurt to  send it in and then just see what happened, see what God might have in store. So I did and by last night I had my answer. There was a certain company policy that got in the way all having to do with family members working together. So the answer was no and I was actually disappointed and wondered why it had all happened because I knew there was a really good chance I would get the job and I was actually starting to feel excited about it. I knew the answer right away of course and it was this.....


In sending in my resume I was giving control over to God. There were so many arguments I had for either side of sending it or not sending it. Just sending it in and leaving it in God's hands was really hard for me because I knew that if I got the job there would be many things changing around here and I didn't really like the thought of that. I am not a controlling person but I like to have a plan and to know what's going on and what the next step is going to be and what is expected of me and have a really hard time making big decisions without really knowing what the outcome and consequences will be. And so that is why I wrestled for a little while and why it was hard for me to just send it off and leave it. 


I think it was a test. 


In all that is going on with our adopting there is definitely not much control on our side and that is hard for me too. I am learning though to just take it all one step at a time and to trust that God is taking care of it and that His timing is perfect and that He will lead and guide and that really all things work together when He is in control. So I have been trying and learning and after all of this happened with the job I really felt like I had been tested and I can only hope that I passed.


I told Chad that I felt like I had been tested, that God was testing me to see if I would give up control. Chad just chuckled and said "Funny Guy". 


Yep.

Wait by Russel Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...

and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate 

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign. 

Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, 

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate 

as my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. 

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. 

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; 

you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me 

when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love

when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT."

Creating a Profile

We are now in the phase of the adoption process that involves us having to make a profile of ourselves. It is called a "Dear Birthparent Letter" and includes a letter or short summary of our growing up years and how we met and what our lives are like now and how involved we are with family and it also includes pictures. I have done a rough copy of my part of it and the main part and Chad has his part to do still. It's not easy. What do you say to a girl who could potentially be choosing you to be the parents of the child she is carrying? My heart breaks when I think of the grief she will have to go through in order for us to become parents. In this letter we aren't supposed to sound desperate or squeaky clean or so perfect we are boring. I found some examples online and used one as a general guideline. I was surprised at some things that I put in the letter. Is she going to care that I fed chickadees out of my hand? What she will think when she knows I was homeschooled? Did she go to camp when she was younger and have a counsellor like me?


We were told at the seminar we went to that they are never able to predict what makes a birthmom choose the couple she chooses. They said it could be something as simple as the fact that Chad and I both wear glasses or something as significant as the fact that we are both very close to our families and spend alot of time with them and so the baby will be surrounded by love on all sides. And so I just let me fingers and my heart do the talking. Keep it short but informative, realistic but fun, hopeful and not desperate. We were told to not even infer that we want to be chosen and I honestly could never do that. I could never put something in the letter that says 'pick me! pick me!'. Just knowing that this girl is going to experience pain and grief like she may never have before and hopefully never will again. I want to be chosen not because we asked her to choose but because when she sees our photos and reads our stories in her heart of hearts she just knows we are the ones. Perhaps in the knowing she will be able to find some comfort. Just knowing that her baby will be safe and loved and given the best life we can possibly provide. Just knowing that we have a faith in God and that we will be praying for her. Just knowing that the baby will be loved and spoiled by so many people. Just knowing.


And so we will continue working on our profile. Trusting that God will guide our thoughts and even our choosing of the photos that we include. Trusting that what we put in there will be exactly what the birthmom is looking and that we will all just know it's right and that it was meant to be.

Find You Waiting

I've heard the angels, and I've seen the devil
Fought with a lion, sent through the fire
I've been in the valley when it was dry
Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher, and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold on to
I am Yours, and Lord, You are mine.

Through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just wanna feel Your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find You waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow
And still raise her hands in the midst of it all
And, Lord, I'm reminded of when I was weary
You carried me, yes, You carried me

Through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just wanna feel Your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find You waiting there

And in the midst of a struggle
There is one thing I know
You'll never leave me, You'll never let go

I've heard the angels, and I've seen the devil
Fought with a lion, sent straight through that fire

Through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just wanna feel Your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find You waiting
Lord, I find you waiting there for me.


Decemberadio




I hear this song on the radio quite often and each time it just makes me so thankful for all that God has done and the fact that He is always there waiting for me, in the good times and in the bad. What a good, faithful God He is!

Psalm 30

I was in the kitchen making breakfast this morning and realized at one point that I had a song going through my head. It is an old song, one that I haven't heard or sung in a very long time. It is also a passage from Psalm 30.


Thou hast turned my mourning into dancing for me;
  Thou hast put off my sackcloth;
Thou hast turned my mourning into dancing for me,
  And girded me with gladness;
To the end my glory may sing praise unto Thee,
  And not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto Thee forever.


A very nice way to start my day and such an excellent reminder of all that God has done and all I have to be thankful for. My prayer is that others will see the dancing, the gladness, hear the singing, see the thankfulness and will wonder what my story is. 

Next Project

Inventory is over! It all went well and I am so hoping that we won't have to do it again this year. So now it's on to the next project...

Cleansing. I started a cleanse today. It is a 7 day cleanse.  I have not been feeling 100% and know from some of my symptoms that it is time to do a cleanse. I also haven't really done anything like that since doing a fertility treatment last summer or having my surgery in November so I thought it would be a good idea to clean all the residue from the chemicals out of my system. I have done cleanses before but this one will be different because Chad is doing it with me! He will be one day behind as I started mine today and we just went and bought his kit today so he will start tomorrow. So it will be an interesting week. Hopefully our side effects won't be too bad and we will still be able to function or it could be a really long week! The first few days will be the hardest because usually you feel worse before you feel better but by the end of the week we should be feeling all cleaned up inside and ready for spring. And I am definitely looking forward to that!